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Old 05-28-2019, 07:49 PM
 
9,960 posts, read 6,261,341 times
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He's an addict, you need to get him into rehab.
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Old 05-28-2019, 07:52 PM
 
6,233 posts, read 3,521,306 times
Reputation: 21716
You gave an ultimatum. If you don't follow through your word means nothing to him.

My in-laws went through this with their two youngest. They erroneously thought that enough love and care would heal their sons. But "home treatment" doesn't work. Their niece, a social worker, tried to guide them through the process of how to deal with this but they were resistant to taking advice.

One boy is dead from Hepatitus C. It was a hideous death. The other lives in a single room and collects a disability check now that his parents are gone. He is severely mental ill and grossly obese, virtually a social outcast. The "boys" were allowed to go through the entire inheritance for all seven brothers. The farm and the land it sat on is gone.

As long as a drug user has someone to take care of them they will continue to use. It will be a great grief and expense to whomever loves them and has false hope.

I know there's a fear that if you send him out something bad will happen to him but something bad is already happening to him and you are playing a part in it.

Sometimes, very rarely, the situation reverses itself without help but when it's your child I don't think it's worth risking letting it go. There are no guarantees with anything you do but it gives a lot of peace of mind knowing you've done what you can.

Check online for your local Alanon groups. These people have been where you are and have a wealth of information which will help you find your way. Best of luck to you finding the path. You are not alone.
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Old 05-28-2019, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Midwest
4,210 posts, read 7,109,796 times
Reputation: 7032
Quote:
Originally Posted by celticseas View Post
I don't know if anyone has had an experience with this. My wife and I have a 20yr old son. He is not currently in college or working but in high school. He seems to have "fallen off the rails" around 2015 when he was dismissed from school for suicidal comments. The principal didn't allow him to attend school but he still could attend the high school exams just study from home. He later got failed his exams and got nearly 0%. He is currently repeating his end of year exams.



We were struggling with him a bit but things were okay until my wife in January discovered that her friends DSLR camera was missing. She's in Africa until this August and gave it to her. The revelation from him was devastating to us. He said he pawned it off at shop for Ä90. We found out as well that a few things like hard drives, old laptops, the piano keyboard were missing. He said that he did it for beer money as well as weed, nicotine patches, codeine cough syrup etc.. We told him if he sold one more thing, we'd kick him out and told him to enroll in a drug rehabilitation programme. I also put a lock on my bedroom door.



I thought that was the end of the stuff being sold until my wife yesterday told me that a few of her items were missing when looking through the store. It seems he has moved from stealing electronics to small, inconspicuous things like her shoes, and some of her books.



Would this be the final straw for you?
Yes. Time for a boot up his arse and a "one way" sign pointing out the front door. He is heading for a very unpleasant life.
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Old 05-28-2019, 10:05 PM
 
Location: Midwest
4,210 posts, read 7,109,796 times
Reputation: 7032
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
You gave an ultimatum. If you don't follow through your word means nothing to him.

My in-laws went through this with their two youngest. They erroneously thought that enough love and care would heal their sons. But "home treatment" doesn't work. Their niece, a social worker, tried to guide them through the process of how to deal with this but they were resistant to taking advice.

One boy is dead from Hepatitus C. It was a hideous death. The other lives in a single room and collects a disability check now that his parents are gone. He is severely mental ill and grossly obese, virtually a social outcast. The "boys" were allowed to go through the entire inheritance for all seven brothers. The farm and the land it sat on is gone.

As long as a drug user has someone to take care of them they will continue to use. It will be a great grief and expense to whomever loves them and has false hope.

I know there's a fear that if you send him out something bad will happen to him but something bad is already happening to him and you are playing a part in it.

Sometimes, very rarely, the situation reverses itself without help but when it's your child I don't think it's worth risking letting it go. There are no guarantees with anything you do but it gives a lot of peace of mind knowing you've done what you can.

Check online for your local Alanon groups. These people have been where you are and have a wealth of information which will help you find your way. Best of luck to you finding the path. You are not alone.
Fine post, Lodestar. The parents are enabling at this point. As you say, get thee to AlAnon and take what you like and leave the rest.
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Old 05-29-2019, 06:09 AM
 
638 posts, read 2,023,317 times
Reputation: 802
Course-correction needed to begin at least 15 years ago, when he was still developing. You missed all the signs that he needed help in those formative years and now he is a 20-year old adult with an established personality and behavioral issues. Parental involvement will not work at this point.

The die is cast.

Any changes will have to come from within himself, and that is an unlikelihood because there are too many others like him - friends and associates - that will reinforce his destructive behavior. If you pull him away and live somewhere new, he'll seek that type out again.

Please seek clinical help for you and your spouse to come to grips with this unfortunate reality.
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Old 05-29-2019, 07:01 AM
 
Location: Beautiful Rhode Island
6,790 posts, read 11,052,809 times
Reputation: 6746
You might look into "tough love parenting". It's a system you can follow in these types of situations.

https://www.verywellfamily.com/tough...-teens-2610430
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Old 05-29-2019, 07:50 AM
 
4,641 posts, read 3,962,883 times
Reputation: 9712
Quote:
Originally Posted by elan View Post
He's an addict, you need to get him into rehab.

This.

It sounds like he has serious issues beginning with suicidial threats that point to being an addict.

Plus he needs a job & completion of his education. He must have zero self worth. Could he also have a learning disability contributing to his lack of success in school?
But if he lives in your house, you have to have some household citizenship rules - like stealing is a no go. I have no time for thieves. However, he did admit stealing so perhaps there is hope for him. Get him into rehab & therapy to see if he can't turn his life around.

You are in an unenviable spot.
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Old 05-29-2019, 09:16 AM
 
9,872 posts, read 3,926,184 times
Reputation: 24919
Some of the responses in this thread are absolutely heartbreaking.

IMHO, with a parent/child (even adult children) there is virtually no "final straw" in a relationship, although I can think of a few demonic horrific things an adult could do that might make me walk away from an adult child. Pawning my replaceable items to feed a drug habit after a long history of depression doesn't rank up there, at all.

What very tenuous relationships some responders have with their offspring! How would a child growing up feel, to know how quickly the parent will disown the child? Sheesh.

He's been depressed since High School, and the school's solution is to kick him out? Really?

Was anything done to help him with his depression?

This young man is a cry for help. Don't walk away from him now. If you kick him out, he won't likely survive the next 5 years. And I mean that sincerely.

Last edited by ClaraC; 05-29-2019 at 10:08 AM..
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Old 05-29-2019, 09:23 AM
 
71 posts, read 18,912 times
Reputation: 179
What he did was despicable, but do not give up on him yet. He is only 20. But you need to grow a pair and set some boundaries - finish high school (or get GED), get a job, pay a token amount of rent, and have some goals. And no more stealing or drug use. If he does, call the police.
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Old 05-29-2019, 11:52 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles
4,031 posts, read 888,666 times
Reputation: 3494
Quote:
Originally Posted by LordSquidworth View Post
I'd take him down to the basement and beat some sense in him...

Just my opinion.

But I'd have beat some sense into him far earlier than the point you're at.

Throw him out. He's a worthless thief.
Thatís your solution? Beat him?

He seems like a troubled young man, he needs help not violence.
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