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Old 05-29-2019, 11:55 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
9,013 posts, read 2,939,193 times
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As our society changes for the worse, this kind of in-family theft is increasing. I have close friends who had dozens of valuable books and electronic gear stolen by a nephew, a son of an older brother, who lived out of state. The nephew was attending college here in town. They'd made the mistake of giving the combinations to their key safes on their doors to other family members. Only when one of them discovered many of his personally marked books on the shelf at a used book store, did they take a careful inventory and realize all that he had stolen. He'd even taken an audio receiver that I'd lent to one of them.

They confronted this nephew and he confessed, but then he dropped out of college and left town, to move back to his parents home. The two local brothers paid off the book store and some pawn shops and got most of their things back. They never told their older brother what his son had done and pledged us all to keep it quiet. The nephew went to work for a chain burger outfit and has now worked his way up to being a regional manager. He's married and has a couple of children and seems to be doing well, so it might not always be best to throw someone out of the family for these things.

But what often happens when the inside thefts are revealed and no longer possible, the perpetrator may branch out, steal things from outside the family and end up in prison. I can't offer any good answer to this kind of family dilemma. If young family members get criminal records, their fate may be sealed and they'll never be able to find their way back to an honest way of life. A brother of this nephew has no bad marks on his life and his two sisters have both earned PhDs and are working in professional careers. They all came from the same home, but followed different pathways. The one who stole things was the oldest, if that has any significance.
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Old 05-30-2019, 03:33 AM
 
12,568 posts, read 13,984,589 times
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Both of my parents were really horrible people to this kid. And I fled from them, and pushed them away when they attempted to interfere in my life decades later. I have zero regrets.

So, flip side....I cannot imagine why parents would not kick a lying, thieving lout like this one out of their home.

Sure, blood is thicker than water, but it's also more likely to choke you, I think.
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Old 05-30-2019, 04:25 AM
 
12,029 posts, read 9,814,334 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
And incredibly young.

For those of us with adult children, we've watched either family members, or neighbors, dear friends struggle with young adults (usually male) who have a very hard time getting their feet under them.
Where is the raises hand emoticon?! My eldest starting circling the drain at about 15. His grades tanked. He isolated. We took his suicidal "threats" Seriously. Really, I wanted to smack the people who asked me do you think he will really do it? I don't know. But I sure as **** am not waiting around helplessly to find out. And even if he doesn't "do it", he is in massive amounts of internal anguish. Aw the snowflake just needs a kick in the ass. Yah, well that would have resulted in a dead kid. MY kid. Dead. No.

I will be eternally grateful to his friends who, upon hearing of his suicidal ideation, hailed me immediately. Three years later, he is still an enormous PITA. But he does not struggle with the notion that he is a bad, unlovable, useless person. He faces that time in his life, where his mind was at, with some humor. He said the other day, you know Mom I feel pretty good. I wonder how I could have felt unloved with you here all along. He has resumed therapy under his own power, where we had made him go before. The former is better since he is actively engaged. But I believe the latter kept him alive to get there. Thank everything one can aim gratitude to that we got to him before he did more than dabble in drugs and alcohol!

Quote:
Giving up and throwing them out will not cause that to happen. 20 year olds who are capable of "getting their feet under them" have already done that.

For those whose children aren't a priority, who can't really live with much irritation and friction, I guess toss your 20 year olds out if they're not succeeding.

For the rest of us, it should be noted that despite the fact it used to be considered a promising thing to do, it isn't.
I do think there are some people around this age who are entitled jerks. But really, how do you become an entitled jerk growing up? Sorry, but parents raise entitled jerks. But that is not the normal scene. Kids don't become suicidal and addicted because they are entitled jerks.

I don't know how many people actually know anything about addiction, which this kid sounds like might be among his problems. Rats in boring cages choose drugs. Rats in happy, connected, engaging cages don't. (Holy over simplification!) Right when a person needs help learning how to build a happy, connected, engaging cage is not the time to boot them on their ass. One lesson from the rates of addiction, those happy, connected and engaging cages are not obvious or easy for many people, young OR old.

We hear the expression that one can and should pull themselves up by their boot straps. The majority of the time, this is just not how humanity works. Even the expression is stupid (thanks, therapist). Picture standing on your living room floor in a pair of cowboy boots. Lean over and grab the straps. Do you think you will be able to lift yourself up off the floor?
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Old 05-30-2019, 08:25 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
15,894 posts, read 12,703,320 times
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Originally Posted by Hapa1 View Post
Thatís your solution? Beat him?

He seems like a troubled young man, he needs help not violence.
Well, it seems like he has zero respect for his parents. I would have never dared selling my parents stuff - or even talk back.

Ground rules and respect should have been established when he was a kid. But apparently, they let him walk all over them, no one did anything when he got kicked out of school. No one even bothered to help him with school work. Mom is too busy traveling the world, kid gets 0% in school exam .... because no one helps him. How on earth could he get good results learning from home with no teacher and no parental support?

Those parents are either clueless, lazy, or just never home.
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Old 05-30-2019, 10:10 AM
DKM
 
Location: Thousand Oaks, CA
2,772 posts, read 977,830 times
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It is sad how many people seem to believe mental illness is the reason why drug addicts do what they do. This was their choice, to get addicted to drugs. They should bear the consequences.
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Old 05-30-2019, 10:14 AM
 
12,029 posts, read 9,814,334 times
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Originally Posted by DKM View Post
It is sad how many people seem to believe mental illness is the reason why drug addicts do what they do. This was their choice, to get addicted to drugs. They should bear the consequences.
You must not know much about addiction.
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Old 05-30-2019, 10:45 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
15,894 posts, read 12,703,320 times
Reputation: 31047
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKM View Post
It is sad how many people seem to believe mental illness is the reason why drug addicts do what they do. This was their choice, to get addicted to drugs. They should bear the consequences.
Wow, you are so clueless.
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Old 05-30-2019, 11:25 AM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,663 posts, read 8,952,951 times
Reputation: 10938
Quote:
Originally Posted by karen_in_nh_2012 View Post
An old boyfriend of mine (before he basically went insane from drugs in his teens/20s) had 3 brothers and was raised, as I was, in the Air Force (although my family was enlisted and his father was an officer). One of his brothers is now head of pediatrics at University of Michigan Hospital (or some similar title -- he's brilliant and a big shot there), another is a professor (after graduating from the Air Force Academy and then spending 20+ years as an Air Force officer like his dad), and the third is a successful businessman. But my old friend got hooked on drugs and went psychotic; he was in prison for armed robbery for 7-8 years, then released, then went back in for another couple of years. Not sure what he is doing now as I gave up on him long ago; I simply cannot be around drug addicts even if some say "it's not their fault." I mean, at some point I don't CARE whose fault it is -- I just don't want to be near them.

John warned me that he had lied, cheated, stolen, etc. in the years that he was a drug addict, and acknowledged that it would be hard for anyone (including me) to trust him. I was willing to try until he did a couple of things to me that were so incredibly -- and intentionally -- cruel that I knew this was not someone I could be close to, no matter how many times he said "I'm sorry" (which he did about a thousand times -- too little, too late).

I would NEVER want such a person in my life -- related to me or not. I frankly do not understand those who think that "being family" means you put up with the crappiest behavior you can imagine -- WAY worse than you would put up with from non-family members. It makes no sense to me.

Sharing DNA with someone -- even a kid of yours who is now an ADULT -- does NOT mean you have to put up with anything they choose to do. Nope, not having it.
I agree. No room for drug addicts in my life. Besides that, drug addiction is a CHOICE.
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Old 05-30-2019, 11:31 AM
 
12,029 posts, read 9,814,334 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NDak15 View Post
I agree. No room for drug addicts in my life. Besides that, drug addiction is a CHOICE.
The medical community has long since abandoned (rightly) the moral failing approach to addiction non-recovery. Mostly because it is wrong. Based on nothing but people's desire to criticize.
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Old 05-30-2019, 11:32 AM
 
12,029 posts, read 9,814,334 times
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Funny thing is that the #1 "gateway" substance is not the much maligned pot but perfectly legal and socially acceptable alcohol.
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