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Old 06-10-2019, 07:34 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,149 posts, read 44,502,910 times
Reputation: 90239

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Msgenerse View Post
Thanks for all of the replies. She either spends all of her time on the phone, playing video games (She is REALLY into world of warcraft) or messing around on social media. I get that I should have seeked help much earlier but that is neither here nor there. I strongly suspect she has some autism.
Repeating the same information won't help us help you. Please answer these questions:

Did you take her to regular doctor visits as a child?

How did she do in school?
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Old 06-10-2019, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
24,279 posts, read 15,689,701 times
Reputation: 35709
Quote:
Originally Posted by Msgenerse View Post
Thanks for all of the replies. She either spends all of her time on the phone, playing video games (She is REALLY into world of warcraft) or messing around on social media. I get that I should have seeked help much earlier but that is neither here nor there. I strongly suspect she has some autism.
The fact that did not seek help when she was young, is the problem. That is what we have been trying to pin down.

People become immersed in those fantasy worlds in order to escape the real world. Your daughter escapes for a reason. Does she have a mental illness? Does she have a personality disorder? Is she simply lazy? Does she have autism? The point is you should know by now.

Start by finding a therapist for yourself. You should get insight into your situation. It might be that your goals for your daughter are not realistic. Or, it might be that she is capable of much more in her life than is now apparent. But nothing will change unless you take that first step. IMO, you need to see a therapist or counselor to get insight, and to find ways of dealing with your daughter. At some point, she needs therapy too. At the very least you need a diagnosis.

Here’s the thing: you did not take action 25 years ago, and I suppose there was a reason you let things slide. You don’t have that option now, if you want things to change. Start with yourself.
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Old 06-10-2019, 10:26 AM
 
40,973 posts, read 16,239,321 times
Reputation: 26734
What should've, could've happened years ago is water under the bridge.

What I would recommend now is to get her to Vocational Rehabilitation Services. This is a federal program that exists in all states to help people figure out and get started on a vocation.

They will pay for testing to determine why she is not able to obtain/maintain employment. If she meets their criteria, a vocational rehab counselor will work with her to determine and get started on a job that is a good fit for her abilities, skills, and interests.

It's a great program. It takes a while. But a lot of people bloom when they are planted in the right garden.

Good luck!
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Old 06-10-2019, 10:27 AM
 
13,334 posts, read 21,362,328 times
Reputation: 36444
Quote:
Originally Posted by Msgenerse View Post
Thanks for all of the replies. She either spends all of her time on the phone, playing video games (She is REALLY into world of warcraft) or messing around on social media. I get that I should have seeked help much earlier but that is neither here nor there. I strongly suspect she has some autism.
My friend could have written the OP, except her daughter is about 10 years younger. I'm not sure having a diagnosis would make a big difference. It took my friend years to have her daughter declared to be on the spectrum, and despite paying for several years at a private school that specializes in autism, this young woman cannot hold a job. Services for high functioning adults are almost non-existent. Fortunately, thanks to the late father's very generous benefits package, she gets several thousand dollars a month in disability payments, and those payments cease if she makes more than $600 a month, so it's a catch-22.

Using that money, this woman will be starting her 7th yr of college in August. Meanwhile, she spends every summer day on the couch watching tv. She has no friends, and her college roommates change every semester. My friend is resigned to the idea that her daughter will probably never live independently, she instead is focusing on getting her out of the house during school breaks. This week she had her researching volunteer opportunities. You might have your daughter do the same OP.

I'm wondering who she is always talking to on the phone, since you say she has no friends?
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Old 06-10-2019, 10:32 AM
 
40,973 posts, read 16,239,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Msgenerse View Post
Thanks for all of the replies. She either spends all of her time on the phone, playing video games (She is REALLY into world of warcraft) or messing around on social media. I get that I should have seeked help much earlier but that is neither here nor there. I strongly suspect she has some autism.
She may indeed be on the autism scale. Nonetheless, she still has to find a way to support herself. Unless you are wealthy enough to provide for her forever, of course.

I've known a number of people with an autism diagnosis that are employed. Jobs that have limited social interaction seem to be a better fit.

Those without college education often do well as night stockers, inventory specialists, medical coders, ...
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Old 06-10-2019, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Rochester NY
1,487 posts, read 945,056 times
Reputation: 2370
First of all, I'd take away all the video games, phone, etc. I'm assuming you paid for all those things since she doesn't work? Then make her find a job and start paying for rent, food, and all the other stuff. If you can't even tell if she has autism or not I can't imagine she is that high on the spectrum, if at all.
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Old 06-10-2019, 11:44 AM
 
7,618 posts, read 4,234,003 times
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It seems like the OP is about thirty years late in beginning to prepare her daughter to be a productive member of society. There may be a lesson here for those who find it easier to just "let children be children."
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Old 06-10-2019, 11:50 AM
 
458 posts, read 259,111 times
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It is possible the OP meant by 'not taking to the doctor' may mean the mental kind. She may have had her child vaccinated and had physical exams done over the years but mental checks are usually not part of those exams.

OP, your daughter is 35 years old and has worked and had boyfriends. She may not have been able to keep any but still, she was able to take that leap. She may have a gaming addiction so long term work and boyfriends keep her from getting her fix. But you need a psychologist/psychiatrist to evaluate her. She will balk and say you can't make her go because she is adult but you can also say, "That's true. And because you are an adult, I can make you leave my home".

Choices have consequences. Tell her she has 2 months (or whatever) to either make an appointment with a mental health doctor or find other living arrangements. It's one or the other at this point.

Eventually down the road she will need to move out even if she seeks help but at this time, just focus on the short term.

Good luck to you.
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Old 06-10-2019, 12:20 PM
 
17,315 posts, read 15,158,592 times
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OP has withheld important information, like, does the daughter even live at home?
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Old 06-10-2019, 12:47 PM
 
Location: Round Rock, Texas
11,156 posts, read 10,718,109 times
Reputation: 15088
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veritas Vincit View Post
It sounds like there's food on the table and there's little to do for this woman other than to chill and engage in activities she enjoys i.e. being online and playing video games. None of the things described in the OP amount to symptoms of mental illness. I see a slacker here.


21st century slackers don't hang out at the local park or outside 7-11, they hang out online. They may have dozens of friends and romantic interests, they may have status and prestige, all completely invisible if you didn't know them online. If you're in your 20s or 30s, you've probably known people like that.


The only thing that makes people like that change their lives is necessity because otherwise it's a far too comfortable existence. It's by no means a fulfilling or healthy existence, but people don't always see it that way. There's people who'd hate the idea of a regular lifestyle of a 9-5 job with adult responsibilities etc. so much, they'd find living in their mom's basement with access to video games and Youtube a lot more preferable.
I, too, don't understand why people are thinking that something is physically or mentally wrong with this woman. I mean really? She's indicative of a lot of people - people who may be socially awkward/inept in real life, little to no motivation, don't have independent personalities, etc. Why does that mean that they have to be autistic or need some sort of medical intervention?

For all we know the OP's daughter may have friends and heck even a love interest, but they're online. That's a sign of being socially awkward when dealing with people. That may carry on to her dealings with the same and opposite sex. And you're right, there are those who are just content not having to deal with "adulting". They are content to just get by in life. Why would they make any steps to change when they're happy where they are at?

Solution is to gradually cut the cord. Sometimes that is what it takes. If the OP is being passive/aggressive about it, then she shouldn't be surprised.

and again, she's NOT mentally impaired or have anything wrong with her.

Online offers a sense of acceptance, an alternate reality. I, and generations before me, can't seem to understand that. Online is a blessing and an evil. For extreme introverts, it's a viable existence.
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