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Old 06-10-2019, 12:53 PM
 
37,852 posts, read 14,739,896 times
Reputation: 24161

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Whatever her problem is, the solution needs to start with the OP changing the password to the WiFi and insisting she find a way to support herself.

If she needs help figuring that out, Vocational Rehabilitation Services might help.

But the OP needs to quit paying for her middle-aged daughter's cell phone, her internet connection, etc. and start expecting her to get with the program.
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Old 06-10-2019, 01:30 PM
 
6,352 posts, read 2,280,949 times
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My son is 32 with Asperger's. I knew SOMETHING was wrong, when he was young, but my knowledge of autism was "rain man" autism. I was going on the assumption that he had ADHD, and we went to doctors, counselors, etc. NO ONE suggested autism to me until my son was 15, when one of his teachers told me that he and some of the other teachers thought he had Asperger's.
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Old 06-10-2019, 01:32 PM
 
Location: DFW
436 posts, read 124,072 times
Reputation: 725
Except for a few, you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.
Shoulda/woulda/coulda has no place here. Have you all been perfect parents and never made one mistake or error in judgment?
Does no one have a child with any sort of physical or mental impairment? Yes, it does happen. People are born who wired differently.
Do you have any idea how painful it is to have child who is improperly wired? Pain is not even a strong enough word. There, in fact, is not a word to explain what a mom feels when a child is clearly "different" than what society expects. And for you guys to then condemn the mom who is clearly in pain, despicable!

OP- my oldest is similar, though (thank God) able to hold down a job and does not live with me. However, she calls me almost every day screaming cussing and breaking things because she is frustrated with work...and traffic....and the grocery store....and life. Yes, I think both are on the autism spectrum, and they are secondarily depressed because they know they are different but they desperately want to have friends, etc. My daughter's psychiatrist said "if your kid was drowning in the middle of the ocean and all she had keeping her alive was a log to hold onto, would you take away the log?!?!" This, in response to me saying I would take away video games. Those games may be the one and only link she has to people, friendships, and the world.
I found the best help was remaining calm and believing in her. Compliments on what she is doing right. Meet her where she IS, not where you WANT HER TO BE. Love her.

Don't listen to others who clearly have not endured the confusion, desperation, and pain.
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Old 06-10-2019, 01:40 PM
 
1,937 posts, read 826,716 times
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OP, your child has figured out how to be retired at 35. Many would envy her. It's not as uncommon as you would think. But what will she do when you are gone?
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Old 06-10-2019, 02:04 PM
 
6,352 posts, read 2,280,949 times
Reputation: 14606
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
Except for a few, you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.
Shoulda/woulda/coulda has no place here. Have you all been perfect parents and never made one mistake or error in judgment?
Does no one have a child with any sort of physical or mental impairment? Yes, it does happen. People are born who wired differently.
Do you have any idea how painful it is to have child who is improperly wired? Pain is not even a strong enough word. There, in fact, is not a word to explain what a mom feels when a child is clearly "different" than what society expects. And for you guys to then condemn the mom who is clearly in pain, despicable!

OP- my oldest is similar, though (thank God) able to hold down a job and does not live with me. However, she calls me almost every day screaming cussing and breaking things because she is frustrated with work...and traffic....and the grocery store....and life. Yes, I think both are on the autism spectrum, and they are secondarily depressed because they know they are different but they desperately want to have friends, etc. My daughter's psychiatrist said "if your kid was drowning in the middle of the ocean and all she had keeping her alive was a log to hold onto, would you take away the log?!?!" This, in response to me saying I would take away video games. Those games may be the one and only link she has to people, friendships, and the world.
I found the best help was remaining calm and believing in her. Compliments on what she is doing right. Meet her where she IS, not where you WANT HER TO BE. Love her.

Don't listen to others who clearly have not endured the confusion, desperation, and pain.

For the record, I wasn't trying to shame the mother. I was trying to say back THEN it was harder to get a correct diagnosis, and we had a lot of trial and error. I can see how an autism diagnosis was hard to get to back in the 80's.
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Old 06-10-2019, 02:32 PM
 
25 posts, read 5,395 times
Reputation: 90
Red face I can commiserate...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Msgenerse View Post
My daughter is 35, ...She spends most of her time browsing online, playing video games or just messing around in her room.
First, I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I have been there, but not for as long as you (hugs.)

I strongly urge you to seek professional counseling for both yourself and your daughter, if you can. In addition, I would have her see a medical professional to determine if she has any special needs that can be met through diet, therapy, and/or medication.

A therapist helped tremendously, though my parents' words really moved me to action. I will share my story, in hopes it will help, at least to let you know you're not alone.

My oldest child (a bit younger than your daughter) ended up dropping out of college due to excessive gaming--in his junior year of chemistry (previously headed to med school). It was heart-breaking, frustrating, infuriating.

As hard as it was, after consulting with my own parents, spouse, friends, therapist, etc., I kicked him out after he returned home when he refused to go to school or work. He said if I went through with it, he would join the military--a threat (this was during active conflict in Afghanistan). After many sleepless nights, I told him that it was 'better to die with dignity than to live in shame,' actually thinking he was just bluffing (my dad's words, btw).

He went through with it; he really didn't have much of a choice, but he was 20 at the time. Anyway, he went into the Army and finished basic training--I still am shocked at that. I believe he had a death wish--or wanted to make me regret my decision.

He made it into Special Forces (like Seals), but he was injured during one of their operations, about two years into his service. Ended up with rods in one arm and a plate in his head. After months of PT, he came back home. He started gaming again. Seriously.

This went on for about a year. I couldn't really kick him out since he was partially disabled, but getting only about $200/mo disability, not enough for anyone to live on. He couldn't use his arm well enough or stand well enough to get any kind of job that didn't consist of sitting. He was about 23 or 24 by then.

I felt defeated, guilty, ashamed, imprisoned--probably what he wanted at the time.

About that time, I decided to move out of state for a job transfer; it didn't occur to me that could upset him. It did. He hated the idea of moving, so he agreed he would go back to school where we'd lived if I would help him. He had gotten the GI bill when he enlisted, so his tuition was paid. I paid his share of rent/exp, he used his disability $ for food, and he finished his degree in less than a year and went on to finish med school. He completed an internship in orthopedic surgery, working now out in Colorado. He still plays video games every minute he's not at work.

I will say that we have recovered our relationship, but it's been a long road: he texts or calls me almost daily. We've navigated some really tough conversations that were quite painful, but my pushing him ended by piquing his interest in medicine again, this time in orthopedics.

Unfortunately, not all stories like ours end well, so I strongly urge you to seek professional counseling for both yourself and your daughter, if you can. In addition, please have her see a medical professional to determine if she has any special needs that can be met.

I don't know if I'd recommend moving as a means of change for her, but it has worked for other parents with children who fail to launch.

Best of luck.
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Old 06-10-2019, 03:45 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,586 posts, read 23,117,825 times
Reputation: 48552
Quote:
Originally Posted by Msgenerse View Post
My daughter is 35, and while I always knew she was different, I tried to help her, yet she refuses to go to school or do anything with her life. I strongly suspect she has some autism. She has gotten jobs before but either gets fired or quits saying she just can't deal with working there. She has attended community College that I paid for, but quit that as well, twice.

She barely graduated high school as it is. I have tried to get her some therapy but she refuses to attend. She has had boyfriends but only for a short while, never any girlfriends. I just don't know what to do, I have tried everything, but it has been a very long and difficult time dealing with this. She spends most of her time browsing online, playing video games or just messing around in her room.

Many under-achievers suffer from an autism spectrum disorder. Not infrequently, they are also depressed and have some degree of social phobia or agoraphobia which makes working in the competitive job arena particularly taxing.



I would have her evaluated by a psychiatrist (medical doctor) who has experience with these disorders.



Wishing you both the best.
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Old 06-10-2019, 03:53 PM
 
3,864 posts, read 1,642,155 times
Reputation: 7851
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
For the record, I wasn't trying to shame the mother. I was trying to say back THEN it was harder to get a correct diagnosis, and we had a lot of trial and error. I can see how an autism diagnosis was hard to get to back in the 80's.
This is definitely true. I used to work for an agency that served people with autism and we had many applicants around the OPís daughterís age who had limited diagnosis/treatment until they were older. That isnít to say that the daughter necessarily has autism, but depending on the area and the resources available in the school district, they might not have had the knowledge to diagnose her. When I was working as a sub in around 2001, I remember seeing a few kids who had aides for Aspergerís (including girls), but I was in a very large, urban school district with a big autism program. Smaller districts still have very poor resources.
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Old 06-10-2019, 04:55 PM
 
9 posts, read 5,432 times
Reputation: 20
Thanks for all the responses. Growing up I did realize she was "different" but just viewed it as some quirks, nothing major. I did notice that all the friends she did make were guys and never really had much with girlfriends. As for school, she graduated with a 2.5 GPA and it was hard for her.
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Old 06-10-2019, 05:46 PM
 
37,852 posts, read 14,739,896 times
Reputation: 24161
Lots of us raised kids who were "different." Not all of them ended up playing video games in the back bedroom in their thirties.

Your daughter, like most kids, needs some encouragement and guidance to find her own path.

Keeping a good thought for you both.

Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 06-10-2019 at 06:00 PM..
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