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Old 06-10-2019, 06:30 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,516 posts, read 5,040,174 times
Reputation: 13915

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Quote:
Originally Posted by marehoodlum View Post
I'm sorry, but how did she attend school without the occasional physical/vaccination stuff? It was illegal here....
SHe didn't say she never took her to a dr, she said she never asked her dr about potential developmental/emotional issues.
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Old 06-11-2019, 12:30 AM
 
Location: Round Rock, Texas
10,727 posts, read 10,120,297 times
Reputation: 14204
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
Lots of us raised kids who were "different." Not all of them ended up playing video games in the back bedroom in their thirties.

Your daughter, like most kids, needs some encouragement and guidance to find her own path.

Keeping a good thought for you both.
There are lots of people who are just like the opís daughter.

Iím still perplexed how people come to the conclusion that something has to be wrong with her developmentally.

Come on people.

Theres jokes about people living in their moms basement and never coming out. Only itís not funny.

Online makes it very easy to shut out the world. And then there are some kids who are just underachievers. Or lack ambition. Very often they lack social skills when it comes to real people. None of which makes them have any impairment. If they havenít gotten any prodding to be independent from a young age you canít just expect them to become that way at 18 or 20 or whatever.

Not holding a job, not being interested in relationships and doing marginally in school doesnít make her mentally impaired. And for the record my husband and I are gamers and weíre in our 40s.

I wouldnít be surprised op if your daughter has a very active life, you just donít realize it because itís online.
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Old 06-11-2019, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Maine's garden spot
3,156 posts, read 5,672,544 times
Reputation: 3265
Quote:
Originally Posted by joee5 View Post
OP waited till now, at daughters age of 35, to reach out for advice?
This is something OP shoulda done 20 years ago or so.
I smell troll....
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Old 06-11-2019, 08:27 AM
 
Location: USA
195 posts, read 61,859 times
Reputation: 782
Sorry, OP, that you're going through all this, but your concerns are about 34 years too late.
So here we are today.
Eval for daughter. Now.
You are not going to live forever; she needs to figure out what to do, where to go, etc., long before you're gone.
It just blows my mind when I hear of situations like these.
If this is a mental health issue, there are countless resources available. Pick up the phone, go to the doctor, ask for help.
If it is self-imposed, these are the words of my uncle: The most painful parts of parenting, I believe, are watching your children go through pain, and the most painful part of parenting is knowing that they brought on the majority of the pain themselves.
OP, put on your oxygen mask before assisting others. Get the help & support you need as well.
Good luck.
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Old 06-11-2019, 08:38 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,392 posts, read 14,230,723 times
Reputation: 22894
Quote:
Originally Posted by AustinB View Post
I smell troll....
I doubt it. Everyone is piling on OP for not 'doing something' earlier. Unfortunately that's not always possible.
My daughter suffers some of the same issues as OP's daughter. She was diagnosed with some mental health disorders when she was around 17 yrs old. She did well in school, participated in extra curricular activities, had a few friends but struggled with many social situations. I think maybe the difference between my situation and the OP's is that my daughter's therapist told me that because of my daughter's issues that she would be slower than her peers to 'launch' and that there was a possibility she would never be entirely independent. This was not apparent when she was younger, she simply appeared to be a normal, but very shy child.
I celebrate her successes and use the setbacks as opportunities to try to help her grow. Sometimes it feels like for every step forward there are two steps back, and it takes a lot of patience at times.
I hope the OP has a good support system and that she can find the help she and her daughter need to work on getting eventual independence. It's not as easy as some of you make it out to be.

RE: just go to the doctor- unless OP has pretty good financial resources it's not that easy. Daughter most likely has no insurance at her age, if she has no verifiable source of income a lot of 'free' clinics won't even see her. If she needs a specialist it's even more difficult. Speaking as someone who has seen her daughter spend hours upon hours trying to get an appointment with a specialist who donates one day a month to the one clinic in the area who would see her when she had no job.
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Old 06-11-2019, 10:31 AM
 
9,454 posts, read 13,357,591 times
Reputation: 5599
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
My daughter is slightly younger than OP's, I don't recall autism being much of a 'thing' back then, at least as far as being something that was diagnosed AND talked about often. It probably wasn't on the radar for a lot of parents to ask their pediatricians about.
My cousin is 35 and has autism. I don't know if my aunt asked about it or if the doctor told her she had it, but regardless autism was definitely a thing then.
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Old 06-11-2019, 10:46 AM
 
1,951 posts, read 830,551 times
Reputation: 4887
This has worked for countless generations... "Get a job and get it together or get out." This worked with me in my early 20's.

Although it's fiction there was a recent episode on the cable TV series CHI, where the mother of a slacker adult son moves to a new apartment and refuses to give the son a key. He spends a few weeks crashing with relatives, but finally gets it together because he has to.

There was a news story recently about a Westchester, NY couple who went to court to legally evict their son in his 40's. He was working and had a new truck but didn't want to give up having free rent. The Marshalls evicted him. Instead of being grateful for his 40+ year free ride at his parents' expense he was bitter that they were evicting him.

A friend of mine in college was bipolar. We both commuted to school and lived with a single mother. His mother and I were friends and she often reached out to me for assurances that her son was OK. I finally told her after a couple of years that her son was the way he was and was likely to stay that way. That weekend she killed herself. I'll never forget the last conversation I had with her son. He told me two mind blowing things had happened. One was his mother killed herself. The other was that he decided to change his college major form English Lit to Music.

The OP is looking for excuses for her daughter's early retirement, and years of coddling her daughter and treating her like a child, but is unlikely to find any answers unless she is willing to act.
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Old 06-11-2019, 11:14 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,392 posts, read 14,230,723 times
Reputation: 22894
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
My cousin is 35 and has autism. I don't know if my aunt asked about it or if the doctor told her she had it, but regardless autism was definitely a thing then.
I didn't say it didn't exist, just that it wasn't commonly recognized, especially by parents. Back then most parents would not have known to ask about it.
Thirty five years ago there wasn't the internet presence like there is today, and it wasn't much discussed in parenting magazines, which is how many of us kept up with current parenting topics.
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Old 06-11-2019, 12:04 PM
 
Location: Holly Springs, NC
1,259 posts, read 702,856 times
Reputation: 1768
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
SHe didn't say she never took her to a dr, she said she never asked her dr about potential developmental/emotional issues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Msgenerse View Post
No, I get that I should have but I never did.
Literally said "I never did"
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Old 06-11-2019, 12:45 PM
 
16,801 posts, read 14,449,165 times
Reputation: 37859
OP, you must be wealthy. I don't know too many people who could support a 30-year-old adult--who needs food, transportation, car insurance, health insurance, medical/dental, extra utilities, clothing, cellphone, etc--day in and day out who brings zero income into the household.

That must cost you $1K a month or more.
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