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Old 06-22-2019, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,005 posts, read 17,327,635 times
Reputation: 41271

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Have you had her evaluated by a professional? Who diagnosed her with ODD? She's been assaulting family members, even causing a concussion, but no one called the police? It sounds like it's time for some tough love, honestly.
IMHO, if she has gotten away with striking and injuring family members it will probably get worse.
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Old 06-22-2019, 06:51 PM
 
Location: Dark Side of the Moon
141 posts, read 29,625 times
Reputation: 405
I feel for your family right now. This is a really tough situation, and you clearly care.

Making it HER choice is your best move, and there's a way to do this. She needs to be evaluated professionally and likely on meds for psychological and/or neurological issues, or anger management therapy at the very least. THEN, if she will not submit to this, you can take away car, phone, etc., but that would be HER choice, and you can remind her of this and again offer these other options.

Best to you and your family. Challenges like this offer us opportunities to reveal who we really are.
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Old 06-22-2019, 10:16 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
4,475 posts, read 3,313,911 times
Reputation: 13767
She needs to be under the supervision of a mental health professional that specializes in attachment disorder and early trauma, possibly an in-patient program for a time. You, your spouse, and her doctors need to work out a structured behavior management plan appropriate for her needs and your household. Specific advice about how to manage and improve her situation is way beyond the purview of randos on the internet - it needs to be done with the help of experienced, skilled professionals who know your situation personally.

The sorts of antisocial behaviors she's engaging in are self-reinforcing and need to be addressed ASAP lest they escalate even further. First thing Monday morning you should be making phone calls to set up appointments. There is hope, but the longer you let the situation continue as is, the more difficult it will be to correct course.
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Old 06-23-2019, 01:02 AM
 
278 posts, read 71,486 times
Reputation: 408
Kick her out. She can go and live in the car
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Old 06-23-2019, 05:02 AM
 
346 posts, read 255,946 times
Reputation: 1081
I have a friend who adopted a daughter at 4 years old. She had many problems with this girl similar to the OP's. My friend tried everything she could to help her daughter. Her daughter is now almost thirty and still has many many issues. Both the girl's bio parents were drug addicts with mental health problems. Unfortunately genetics is genetics.

Adopting this girl basically ruined my friends life. It's sad...
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Old 06-24-2019, 10:01 AM
 
1,328 posts, read 2,697,129 times
Reputation: 1000
This appears to be Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Please get her some help, from someone who knows how to deal with it.
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Old 06-24-2019, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
2,069 posts, read 853,707 times
Reputation: 3662
Regarding the urinating issue. Probably needs to see a gynocologist or urologist. There could be many explanation s for her problem, from psychological to physical. One of my sister's had a leaky bladder and had some sort of surgery when she was in grade school. It solved the problem almost immediately.
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Old 06-24-2019, 11:41 AM
 
294 posts, read 58,932 times
Reputation: 362
With out reading the entire post I would bet you let her have a smart phone too. right? And I bet she uses it while driving the car YOU are legally responsible for right? If this is so YOU are big part of the problem and shouldnt be allowed around her.. Soon she will be pregnant and or on drugs and hopefully in jail.
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Old 06-24-2019, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
316 posts, read 132,525 times
Reputation: 1448
Quote:
Originally Posted by bbtondo View Post
I have a friend who adopted a daughter at 4 years old. She had many problems with this girl similar to the OP's. My friend tried everything she could to help her daughter. Her daughter is now almost thirty and still has many many issues. Both the girl's bio parents were drug addicts with mental health problems. Unfortunately genetics is genetics.

Adopting this girl basically ruined my friends life. It's sad...
As someone who was adopted and has suffered from attachment disorder and a variety of problems due to my situation let me advise anyone else looking at possibly adopting any child: NO ADOPTED CHILD IS EASY OR TROUBLE FREE. They all come with a variety of problems ranging from birth defects from drug/alcohol use, attachment disorders, early childhood trauma, and unknown mental/physical health conditions.

Every person considering adoption needed to inform themself about all the possible problems BEFORE adoption and train themselves in these kinds of situations because they guaranteed will show up(never trust adoption agencies or the foster systems listing of problems, their goal is to house not scare away potential parents). Maybe not right away, but almost always during adolescence and progress further without the proper management.

A adopted child isn't a toy you can pick up and play with until you break it or lose interests. And they aren't a charity case you can throw money at and they're all better.

Adopted children are broken and very much real. Some of them have gone through more than most adults and experienced hell on Earth with no love or support. Many have trust issues, most older or longer held foster children have absolutely no concept of family or love because they've never received it. Most if not all will repeat the harmful behavior (since they never learned how to manage their trauma or learn new positive behaviors) once they enter adulthood unless real steps are taken to help them learn how to live without fear and manage positive relationships and skills to live a normal life.

When you adopt a child you should know what your getting into, but several posters on here seems to think these freak outs are rare or just part of a broken kid that they were unlucky to receive. A child is a commitment and just as if it was your own biological child, YOU the parent are responsible for caring and supporting YOUR child. That means paying for therapy, that means getting support from adoptive support groups and reading on ways you can better yourself as a parent towards an vulnerable and possibly traumatized kid.

Too many people are acting that adopted children is a way to "give back" or finally be a parent in an unconventional way. People my age (millennial) are using adoption as a way to avoid pregnancy, medical bills, or simply cheap out on having a child. If you do this expect the problems the OP and others have essentially created; a child who isn't supported and acts out due to no one understanding her trauma and needs as a result of her traumatic life.

Bottom line, DON'T ADOPT unless your prepared and ready to spend every second supporting, loving, guiding, and helping a broken and traumatized child that may never be comfortable in themselves or others. Be ready to be rejected as a parent and never feeling that there is a real connection (because that could be a real possibility as some adopted kids never learn how to bond fully). If you can't dedicate yourself to the pain, hurt and misunderstandings that will come nearly daily with an adopted child you need to get yourself a puppy instead because this child will grow up and enter the world depending on the tools (or lake of) you gave them. If you fail to recognize the importance of dedication, support, and work it takes to care for an adopted child, you've took a step at failing them and placed them in greater danger than just leaving them in the system.
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Old 06-24-2019, 12:40 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
4,475 posts, read 3,313,911 times
Reputation: 13767
Quote:
Originally Posted by musicfamly5 View Post
NO ADOPTED CHILD IS EASY OR TROUBLE FREE.
I very much agree with the premise of your post overall, but I have two adoptive siblings and one of them has always been the best behaved and easiest to get along with of anyone in my immediate family. (The other sibling had more of the issues you describe and I wish my parents had been more prepared for that, as they could have been a lot more proactive about providing extra support.)

Really, I think anyone having a biological child or adopting a child needs to be realistic about all the things that can go wrong, and decide ahead of time whether they could step up to deal with these things, and if the answer is no, maybe becoming a parent is not in the cards. There's no guarantee of getting a mentally and physically healthy, agreeable child no matter how you go about it.
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