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Old 06-24-2019, 01:17 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
316 posts, read 132,694 times
Reputation: 1448

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
I very much agree with the premise of your post overall, but I have two adoptive siblings and one of them has always been the best behaved and easiest to get along with of anyone in my immediate family. (The other sibling had more of the issues you describe and I wish my parents had been more prepared for that, as they could have been a lot more proactive about providing extra support.)

Really, I think anyone having a biological child or adopting a child needs to be realistic about all the things that can go wrong, and decide ahead of time whether they could step up to deal with these things, and if the answer is no, maybe becoming a parent is not in the cards. There's no guarantee of getting a mentally and physically healthy, agreeable child no matter how you go about it.
Exactly, and I should have added that not every child will exhibit the issues or give off the same behavioural cues.

I was the best behaved adopted child in my family. Part of that was my personality, I tend to be pretty reserved and don't like to create too much drama so compared to my adoptive sister and brother who tended to be difficult (my sister has several learning disabilities and my brother has anger and authority problems) I was the ideal child. Later on I learned that in addition to it simply being my personality I have a tendency to overtly adapt to my surroundings leading me to take on or attempt to copy people I'm around to better blend in. This cause me issues as I would take on different adaptive roles to meet different people's perceptions of me, essentially taking on various different personalities of myself.

Eventually I broke down and suffered immense setbacks that was too much for my family to take and now we have a broken relationship from me no longer "acting" like the good girl they thought they knew and was my own person. So sure I was a better behaved child and easier to deal with, but my personal issues were much deeper buried and never got addressed because I was "easy" compared to other adoptive kids.

My example is sorta extreme and has a lot of other stuff relating to my adoptive family and our relationship built in. But my point is that even well behaved and seemingly healthy adopted children might still be unhealed and need help in some areas as they could still suffer once they reach adulthood or major events in their lives. Dating and marriage, having children of their own, attempting to live on their own, and the biggest event of reconnecting with their birth parents are all events that seem to trigger some adopted individuals who thought they were all good; but trauma and locked up unchecked emotions can be unleashed at any time in larger moments in one's life. Your siblings might be different in how they behave but they absolutely have the same vulnerability and chances of having problems, you just don't see it in the same way.
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Old 06-25-2019, 02:29 AM
 
774 posts, read 590,917 times
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She needs therapy. It sounds like she's dealing with some sort of emotional distress that's starting to boil over. It could just be teenage hormones, or friends that are a bad influence. But it sounds like there's something much worse going on.

Maybe she's afraid that you don't really accept her and love her as if she was your biological child? Maybe she has PTSD from some prior experience that recently came back to haunt her? Maybe it's like the previous poster said; that she's tried so hard to live up to the image she thinks you expect from her that she just exploded. I don't know what the problem is, but I do think it sounds like she's in a lot of emotional pain. I strongly recommend that you find a therapist for her, so they can help her deal with her problems and help her release some of that anger or fear or whatever is causing her to react like this.

P.S. I don't think it was a good idea to give in to the car because she was making you late for work. That is just rewarding her for being manipulative. That behavior should have been punished, not rewarded.

But I also don't agree with the idea of "tough love". I think that would just make your situation worse. There's some kind of turmoil going on inside her that's causing her to react like that. Tough love will only increase the turmoil, like putting fuel on a fire.



Don't pamper her and give in to her demands, but don't get real tough on her either. Don't make any extreme changes to your parenting methods of house rules. Let her get counseling, and hopefully SHE will be the one that changes and mellows out.



I know this is tough. Parenting is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world! But finding the right therapist for her would make your job much easier. It would give her somebody she can confide in, and vent to, and the therapist can help her learn how to deal with her emotions in a more constructive manner.
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