U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Old 06-20-2019, 09:26 PM
2 posts, read 927 times
Reputation: 10


Hi all, 5 years ago we made the decision to adopt an 11 year old girl that we took in for foster care briefly. She was living in a home packed with foster children and sharing a bedroom with multiple children prior to us. We take excellent care of her and are very financially stable and have been able to allow her to do plenty of activities to keep her busy.

Over the years however her behaviors are worsening. She is diagnosed ODD and thrives off of angering other people in the household. We held off for several months after her 16th birthday to get her a vehicle before we ended up snapping and making the purchase due to the fact she began deliberately making us late for work in an effort for us to buy her a car.

Fast forwarding to the past few weeks.. She has been violent lately, if she gets too heated she will lash out, She has hit our 20yr old and 11 yr old sons in the face recently over very minor conflicts. She shoved my wife over backwards causing her head to hit the kitchen cabinets giving her a mild concussion. She also became so infuriated after my son moved her car out of the driveway so he could park in his garage spot that she went out and poured glue all over his vehicle. She is constantly stealing money from any person she can. I suspect she is selling off my items to people to get money as well as stealing all sorts of miscellaneous items from others bedrooms. Theft has always been an issue with her.

This afternoon my oldest made me aware that she had several friends over late last night and had taken alcohol from the kitchen. After a few recent incidents I revoked her privileges to have friends in the house after I am asleep as well as when I'm away from home due to the fact the house is constantly thrashed and items are damaged after every time. Whenever I try to punish her she claims its not her fault and that she didn't do it even if the evidence is in her face. Any time we try to discipline her in any way she will blackmail us.

Also aside from behavioral issues she has been a daily bed wetter for years and will not take the medication provided or make any movements to help mitigate her issue such as cutting off liquids close to bedtime. She has tendencies to fall asleep on random couches in the house and ends up destroying them, ( very expensive pieces of furniture I might add) Its to the point every inch of the house has an essence of urine and is driving me nuts. She leaves her urinated clothes soaking on the floor over the brand new carpet and makes no effort to clean anything. She is exceptionally lazy and will clutter the entire house in a matter of 2 hours being alone.

Final issue here before my rant concludes.. Whenever I bring up anything negative about herself she will immediately flip the conversation around with an oh yeah well you do this! Generally bringing up things she found out I did when I was a teenager.

Anyways I would really appreciate any comments or advice I could get to help rid these behaviors as she has been controlling my life. Thanks
Quick reply to this message

Old 06-20-2019, 10:38 PM
Location: Minnesota
2,069 posts, read 852,663 times
Reputation: 3662
That does sound pretty rough. Is she in counseling or seeing a psychiatrist? If not probably a good idea. Maybe also some council for you on how to handle someone who is violent towards family members. I've heard of people having such trouble with kids like that and the only thing that worked was to call police so they get in enough legal trouble for abusing family members they are forced into some kind of treatment. Especially since kid refused to participate in any treatment.

I would hope she no longer has the car. Next phone goes. You only have to provide bare minimum. Take all clothes except absolute essentials. Has to earn everything back one piece at a time with acceptable behavior. I'm sure easier said than done.

Time for some tough love.
Quick reply to this message
Old 06-20-2019, 11:44 PM
Location: State of Transition
78,526 posts, read 70,430,585 times
Reputation: 76494
Have you had her evaluated by a professional? Who diagnosed her with ODD? She's been assaulting family members, even causing a concussion, but no one called the police? It sounds like it's time for some tough love, honestly.
Quick reply to this message
Old 06-21-2019, 01:06 PM
6,062 posts, read 3,102,033 times
Reputation: 4096
Tough love. She can get locked up for domestic battery.

Or deal with it until her 18th birthday and have her evicted. Several months in advance call local sheriff for steps for eviction

Get your life back!!!
Quick reply to this message
Old 06-21-2019, 01:54 PM
6,521 posts, read 2,355,719 times
Reputation: 14992
I'll go with the tough love approach too. But it pains me a little, to give up on her at 18...although I know you're in a tough position.

Don't fall for it when she tries to flip things on you. When she brings things up that you did as a teenager...ignore it. Or say something like "This is the here and now. I'm the parent, you're the kid." The next time she abuses anything that belongs to someone else, you take away something of hers. Make sure she knows this will be the consequence...and then follow through.

If she's in the habit of sneaking out, change the locks on the door. Everyone gets a new key but her. She and her friends destroy stuff in the house? Take the door off the hinges in her room.

It's important that she's will aware and well informed what the consequences for her actions will be...and then enforce them.

Maybe if you start with the little things, and you're consistent...and she see's that you're serious, the bigger things will begin to fade away.

Regarding the peeing everywhere...if it were me, I'd buy her some Depends. And I'd make sure she's wearing them when she's eating dinner with everyone, or sitting in the family room with everyone, etc. You can have some kind of discreet code word or something...but make it clear if she's going to act like a baby, you have no choice but to treat her like one. OR...you make sure you WATCH her take her meds.
Quick reply to this message
Old 06-21-2019, 01:58 PM
Location: planet earth
4,812 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
What's she got on you that she can blackmail you?
Quick reply to this message
Old 06-21-2019, 02:06 PM
601 posts, read 200,314 times
Reputation: 1823
OMG people! This isn't her fault! "Tough love" can't fix neurological conditions or heal trauma!


Therapy, first and foremost, for her and for you. Seek out support, from school personnel, doctors, local/online support groups, etc. Consider in-patient treatment if needed to keep the rest of the family safe. Don't engage in a power struggle: no one will win. She needs help, and you don't have to go it alone.
Quick reply to this message
Old 06-21-2019, 02:28 PM
Location: Central, NJ
2,425 posts, read 5,043,978 times
Reputation: 3327
Take the car and move it somewhere else so she can't destroy it. She isn't someone who should be behind the wheel of a car. Alcohol should be locked up if there is any in the house, that goes for any house with a teen, but especially one that you already know will take it. No friends in the house at all. I would put locks on all the bedrooms but hers.

She definitely needs professional help, but it's your duty to keep other people safe FROM her while you seek that out. I have to say - if I were you I would worry about even being alone with her. She could make all kinds of accusations about you that get you immediately tossed from your house.
Quick reply to this message
Old 06-21-2019, 02:55 PM
Location: Pacific Northwest
316 posts, read 132,335 times
Reputation: 1448
First off you need to ensure your adoptive daughter is getting continuous and supportive therapy. It sounds like she's gone through a hard life, and as of now not a lot of stable support or understanding. The violence and attitude is a loud and frightnighing cry for help. The bed wetting and deeper behavioral problems are signs she's gone through trauma and isn't properly addressing her emotional scars whatever they may be.

I'm adopted and even with my adoptive parents having me since I was a couple weeks old I still suffer from abandonment issues and other behavioral problems due to issues relating to my life before they had influence and control over it. You should have been better prepared for accepting an older child as they almost always will have problems relating to their previous life before being removed or from living in foster care which can be a mixed case of success on the children (and it sounds her experiences were not as loving).

As you've adopted her she is your responsibility and unfortunately it sounds like your family isn't the best prepared or trained to deal with this situation. My advice is to seek advice from local and national adoption programs especially those dealing with older adoptive children. At her age and length of time in the system she'll never understand or act like a normal family member. You need to recognize that and recognize she's probably doing what she's always done or been taught in every family situation she's been in. Fight to be on top to get what you need and survive. If harsh, but no normal family is going to be able to understand or comprehend how to deal with this outlook of life.

I really can't think of any advice outside of get therapy for everyone in the family, but especially with your daughter. You need to decide if you'll accept her behavior and set her up for a life in and out of jail, possibly just repeating a cycle at this point or you can make drastic changes that won't be cheap or easy for anyone in your family and try to help her feel supportive and able to learn how to function without relying on being "tough" or out of control. It really is unfortunate on all sides and I hope you all find help very soon.
Quick reply to this message
Old 06-21-2019, 03:17 PM
Status: "Support the Mining Law of 1872" (set 5 days ago)
Location: Cody, WY
9,570 posts, read 10,909,082 times
Reputation: 19190
Talk to an attorney: you need to rid yourselves of her immediately.
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Quick Reply
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top