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Old 06-23-2019, 01:07 PM
 
1,195 posts, read 800,223 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jj224 View Post
wherever and whenever I intervene Mom tends to disrupt it, been discussed multiple times and on occasion she will allow my to set the tone, the way I do with the girls. We disagree. I'm much more praise when good and pray when bad, but Mom naturally runs interference and he knows it so our relationship is not "You have to listen to me" more talk to me buddy dont lie to your parents.

He lies to get out of trouble, curses with his friends, half asses cleaning, etc.

He is also the only person in the house that will ask if you need help with anything. There is still good in him.
If your spouse and you don't become a united front along with the father, he is only going to get worse.

One he should no longer be allowed to hang with the older boy, obviously a bad influence.

Two, he needs chores so he can save money to help pay for the damages he has done.

Three get him involved in structured activities such has sports, clubs, Church youth programs, or something where he can have fun and form healthy friendships.

Four, do some fun activities with each other as a family .
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Old 06-23-2019, 06:24 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
9,130 posts, read 2,996,123 times
Reputation: 13774
Quote:
Originally Posted by bbtondo View Post
A nut doesn't fall far from the tree. This is a tough situation that you're in as a step parent with no voice. I wish you luck.

Shocking. Most boys don't act like this until they're about 14.
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Old 06-24-2019, 02:00 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,933 posts, read 2,274,474 times
Reputation: 16596
Quote:
Originally Posted by jj224 View Post
doesn't understand why their are different rules for different people.
Here is a possibility:

Quote:
As the Step-parent punishment isn't really my job.
I'm not saying I know what to do about it but it's not hard to understand his confusion. He assumes he's in charge because obviously; you aren't. You & your wife need to be on the same page, ASAP. A united front. He's literally begging for it.
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Old 06-24-2019, 08:58 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,561 posts, read 70,482,002 times
Reputation: 76542
Quote:
Originally Posted by jj224 View Post
wherever and whenever I intervene Mom tends to disrupt it, been discussed multiple times and on occasion she will allow my to set the tone, the way I do with the girls. We disagree. I'm much more praise when good and pray when bad, but Mom naturally runs interference and he knows it so our relationship is not "You have to listen to me" more talk to me buddy dont lie to your parents.

He lies to get out of trouble, curses with his friends, half asses cleaning, etc.

He is also the only person in the house that will ask if you need help with anything. There is still good in him.
The kid is doomed, unless your wife gets on the same page as you. She married you; you'd think your approach to parenting would have been one of the factors she took into consideration, when she decided whether to tie the knot or not, but no; too often when a single parent marries, it doesn't work that way, and that fact doesn't do the kids involved any favors.

However, I still think there are deeper issues with this kid that need to be addressed and resolved. Is anyone keeping track of what's going on in the counseling/therapy sessions? If no progress is being made, it's time to find a new counselor. Maybe the kid is beyond counseling, and simply makes up stories for the counselor.

Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 06-24-2019 at 09:08 AM..
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Old 06-24-2019, 09:03 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,561 posts, read 70,482,002 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
Here is a possibility:


I'm not saying I know what to do about it but it's not hard to understand his confusion. He assumes he's in charge because obviously; you aren't. You & your wife need to be on the same page, ASAP. A united front. He's literally begging for it.
Yes. There is no rule that says step-parents can't be disciplinarians, like normal parents (hello?), unless your wife won't allow it, OP. You could regard this run-in with the law as a crisis point, and tell your wife something needs to change in the way the kid is being managed at home, or things will only get worse. Maybe she'll see the wisdom in that, and will open up to a fresh discussion about your role. Remind her, that adolescence is right around the corner for this kid, and it won't be pretty if serious steps aren't taken now, right now.

You two could also consider some kind of parenting counseling sessions, or a marriage counselor who covers parenting issues, or something. You two really need to figure out a solution, because the status quo obviously isn't working.


BTW, you haven't told us yet, what kind of "normal boy behavior" he "keeps getting caught" for. Really curious about your definition of "normal boy behavior". It sounds like there's a lot more to this story.
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Old 06-24-2019, 09:07 AM
 
Location: NY in body, Mayberry in spirit.
2,692 posts, read 1,769,433 times
Reputation: 6324
Quote:
Originally Posted by thecoalman View Post
Reading a book or joining the scouts(or other youth activities) is not something to be used as punishment. It's something to be encouraged.


My Brothers when they were in the 10 to 12 year old range got caught egging a house. We lived in small town and things like this were all handled locally.... in this case by my Dad to the satisfaction of the police and the homeowner. The first thing he had them do was walk to the store about mile away with a list of cleaning supplies they paid for with their own money. Couple gallons of this, couple gallons of that. If I recall 6 gallons in all so they each had three making off balance carrying them awkwardly. They had newspaper routes so this wasn't money gifted to them. The next thing he had them do was clean the exterior of the house, the whole thing... I know for fact they never egged anything again.



Sounds like a much bigger issue than egging but if it were me that is where I would be heading with this.
Damn, I like your Pops!!!
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Old 06-24-2019, 09:35 AM
 
602 posts, read 201,677 times
Reputation: 1827
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Read a book? Join Scouts?

I am a retired special education teacher, in my experience, the behavior that you listed is far, far beyond "normal" misbehavior by a 9 1/2 year old boy. Now, I have seen similar behavior in children that have severe emotional/behavioral issues.

There are so many red flags. Where was he and how long was he unsupervised that he was able to do so much damage? Obviously, it would be a different situation if was playing in his own yard and he broke into his next door neighbor's garage vs. a mile from home and no one checked on where he was or what he was doing for hours.

Where did he get the spray paint? Again a huge difference between stealing the spray paint from someplace or bringing it from home so the vandalism was premeditated or if the spray paint can was just sitting on the driveway or on the hood of a car "ready to go".

Also, was this a one time thing or just more in a long list of inappropriate behaviors. Did he "think" of those things himself or was he with a group of older boys?

IMHO, he probably needs more professional help than he is currently receiving.

Depending on his history and how the juvenile courts work in your area absolutely nothing may happen to him to quite a few restrictions and penalties. This may even effect if they accept him into his regular school next year (he may need to go to special school for children with psychiatric needs or a juvenile detention facility - but, both are pretty unlikely for a 9 1/2 year old). And, someone will need to pay for all of the damage that he caused (which could be rather costly).
I know this is from the first page and you have already responded, but read, read, read it again and have it sink in. A 9yo doing these things is not in any way ok or healthy. He clearly has some emotional needs that require, as germaine said, more professional intervention than he is receiving. I am sure he is not a bad kid, and your desire to get him involved in positive behaviors is commendable. However, that will not fix what is currently broken. He needs help.
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Old 06-24-2019, 09:44 AM
 
Location: DFW
552 posts, read 153,834 times
Reputation: 872
Quote:
Originally Posted by jj224 View Post
As the title says, my 9 1/2 year old step son just got picked up by the police for Vandalism. Has been suspended from school before and regularly sees a counselor, his parents are currently fighting for custody with a trial in July.

FACTS are:
  1. Spray painted cars on private property
  2. Broke window of garage where cars were stored, unlocked
  3. Scraped at least one vehicle with knife found on property
  4. Spraypainted curse words on driveway
  5. Broke box of light bulbs found in a vehicle

Excuses are:
  1. Didn't think they were of any value
  2. Thought is was a small junk yard

It was pretty obvious that it wasn't a junk yard and while some of the cars were older. One of them was a corvette with 33,000 miles on it.


How would other parents handle this?

MOM is currently:
  1. Pissed
  2. confused
  3. searching for rationalizations

Biological Dad is currently
  1. Probably pissed
  2. Probably confused
  3. Most likely blaming mom in someway
  4. Possibly quetioning himself

He hasn't been fully informed on all the details yet as our week on week off custody just switched so he's got almost a week before he gets a chance to really get into it.

Stepdad (Me) is currently
  1. Wondering what we should do
  2. Comparing the bad things I did as a kid that thankfully wern't caught and how they compare in age and level of badness
  3. Debating how much of an OBI-Won Konobi I want to be
  4. Is this kid Anakin or Luke?
  5. Can I even help him?


Backstory:

Mom:
  1. Adopted by Grandparents
  2. Father in prison during youth
  3. Mother in and out of her life
  4. Dropped out of high school
  5. Physically abused by Ex-Boyfriend
  6. New boyfriend 13 years older than her got her pregnant
  7. Had kid at 21
  8. 2 "happy" years
  9. Met me
  10. Left boyfriend
  11. Married me
  12. Had another kid with me 7 years later. Girl

Biological Dad:
  1. Raised by parents
  2. Graduated Highschool
  3. Graduated trade school
  4. Works blue color job full time
  5. Met mom
  6. knocked mom up
  7. loved mom but wasn't working
  8. begged mom to stay
  9. mom left
  10. Cut brakes of Mom's car to "keep her from leaving"
  11. Convicted felon, no jail time
  12. Mom still split custody
  13. married Step-mom few years later


Step-dad (me)
  1. Raised by parents and 2 older sisters
  2. Straight A student till Highschool the 3.5 GPA
  3. Marine 5 years
  4. Wife
  5. Daughter
  6. exwife
  7. Government Job
  8. 6 figure salary
  9. Clean Record
  10. Church Softball player
  11. Former Boyscout

Step-mom
  1. Seems nice
  2. no other kids
  3. kindy ratty looking
  4. cuts hair for a living
  5. Loves the boy



I just want to help and I feel like I'm the only one who sees where this is heading.
Currently me "punishment" for him this summer is:
  1. I will find a book and we will read it.
  2. Might put him in Scouts


Everything punishment else wide is up to the courts and the parents and the victims.

Looking for suggestions, ideas, camps, and books that may inspire him to behavior better.

Thanks for reading.

I don't have any real words of wisdom, but just wanted to say you're awesome. Thank you for being this boy's step dad

I think most (99%?) of people are some good and some bad. Only a small percentage are all one or the other. If you believe he has some good, highlight that....like a lot and often. Mom is probably full of anxiety and lost, so she is not available for this; dad may be thinking he needs to crack the whip, or based on your above, may think "chip off the old block" kind of thing.

You may be the only one objective enough to say " hey you're a great painter/musician/football player/etc. Let's go do THAT!"

Good vibes/prayers to you!
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Old 06-24-2019, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,017 posts, read 17,335,191 times
Reputation: 41288
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
(snip)

BTW, you haven't told us yet, what kind of "normal boy behavior" he "keeps getting caught" for. Really curious about your definition of "normal boy behavior". It sounds like there's a lot more to this story.
My first year of teaching I very briefly had a five year old student with behavioral issues in addition to moderate cognitive delays (mentally retarded). I expressed shock when the father told me that his son had killed their pet cat as well as injured other animals. The dad was shocked and surprised that I was shocked and told me "Every boy kills animals. It is normal." No, it is not normal. I don't know what happened to the child because the family suddenly moved away. I hope that he received help.
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Old 06-24-2019, 02:35 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,024 posts, read 21,728,201 times
Reputation: 22191
Quote:
Originally Posted by jj224 View Post


As the Step-parent punishment isn't really my job. I am looking more for guidance on what encouragement i can give him, hence the idea of finding a good book that we can go through together. Already read the gospels last summer, helped a little.
Is that something you all decided on? Or is that just the way you feel so you stay out of it? It sounds as if you have been married to his mom for years and IMO you should be involved in the parenting of the child.

I would make him go and apologize to each person who's property he vandalized. You'll have to make restitution, make him do chores, a lot of chores, around the house to help pay off his debt.
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