Frustrating Situation

[regarese]

Nope you're not being mean. LOL. Maybe you and she just need a mom/daughter date where you're not talking about the wedding or the move and you're just connecting like you normally do when you're not dealing with all that other stuff. She's probably just feeling a bit overwhelmed and a lot of 15 year olds aren't particularly skilled in dealing with that AND having to be considerate of somebody else's feelings at the same time...that would require recognizing other people have feelings (my little sister was 15 a few years ago ). Your busy with your stuff, she's got her stuff happening, and since you say you guys are close, she may just be missing her mom a bit-even if you are living in the same house . Hang in there!!

[mari4him]

Little bit of an update....

On Tuesday my daughter and I went to her counseling session. The plan was that she had some things to discuss with me regarding the move and wanted to wait to the session to do so, I respected her wish and let it be until then.

Well when we got there the counselor asked how everything was going and well I began explaining to the counselor the moodiness, the anger outbursts, attitude, etc. that had been taking place over the previous 2 weeks. The counselor then turned to my daughter and asked her what was going on.

Well... my daughter just kept saying she didn't want to move. That was the extent of what she wanted to wait to the session to tell me. (which I already knew and she had mentioned several times before but guess she must have felt that saying it all in front of the counselor would help).

Not going to go into all the details but basically for about 1/2 the session we were both in there together discussing aspects of the move, things I had offered to do to try to make it easier, etc. etc. The counselor basically told my daughter she was very fortunate to have me as a mom because I was basically bending over backwards to try to make this as easy as possible for her understanding how difficult it is and that many parents won't and don't do that.

So after about 1/2 hour the counselor asked me to step out so she could speak with my daughter alone and I did. About 20 minutes later I was called back in and the counselor basically said that my daughter was very happy I was getting married, that she really liked my fiance a lot and so none of this was the issue. The only thing is she doesn't want to leave her friends and despite all I'm doing she somehow doesn't feel I understand how hard it is. The counselor tried to help see that I do understand and it is why I am being patient with her and why I am trying to make accomodations to try to make it easier.

During the last 2 weeks there were a couple things I went out and did on my own because of her attitude, one was looking at wedding stuff and the other was going to get my nails done (something she and I always do together) but since her attitude was so bad, I didn't take her because I see that as a privlege not a right or responsibility I have. Apparently these things bothered her some because she mentioned it to the counselor and when I told the counselor why I did it, the counselor told my daughter, see what you are missing out on because you are choosing to focus on the negative rather than trying to come to terms with it and enjoy all the positive's in your life. Apparently this registered with my daughter somewhat.

Long story short, after the session it was like I had my daughter back. She was laughing again and being sweet and funny. Much different than the previous 2 weeks. She even served me dinner that night lol. Well today she even went with me when I went to try on wedding dresses.

On the way back we were talking about a couple things and she told me she was going to go see her dad this weekend because she kinda got herself stuck into doing it and won't be able to meet my fiance's sisters who are visiting from out of town. She said that when she was mad at me last week she called her dad about going there this weekend and plans were now made. She then said, "I guess I need to learn to think things through a bit more before I act when I'm angry because I really wouldn't mind going with you this weekend to meet them". I said yeah, it would help not to act out when you are angry, but its okay, you'll get the chance to meet them (hopefully can arrange something for when she gets back from her dad's on sunday).

After that though, she went on to tell me she was really happy she went with me to try on the dresses and stuff and that it made her feel a little better because she really is excited about the marriage and really likes my fiance and how happy we all are together. She said I'm still sad about moving so need you to be patient with me, but I do feel a little better.

After that it was like suddenly something hit her and she was like "ohhhhhh I'm your maid of honor, I'm supposed to take care of your bridal shower but wait I don't have any money" LOL. She got real creative then and said she was going to get together with some friends from school and friends from church and see if with the church's help she could host a little bridal shower for me and she'd even cook the food to serve (pasta). Then she said, "ohhh you are not supposed to know about it though" laughed and then told me "okay mommy, when it happens you just act surprised".

I just smiled and said okay. I feel she will be just fine once it all happens, it's just like was said here, as it draws closer she has moments when she is a bit more antsy about it. Anyway, thought I'd update you all.

[regarese]

That's great to hear!! I'm very happy for you both!

[sean98125]

You have a 15 year old daughter that is moody and who hates you and thinks that you are ruining her life? I've never heard of such a thing. Most teenaged girls that I've ever met are remarkably happy and like nothing better than to spend time with their moms.

Yeah, it's going to suck. You're going to butt heads over this. Don't forget that this is the age that your daughter is supposed to be getting emotionally ready to leave the nest. She's supposed to be finding reasons to separate from her childhood home and step out on her own. It's natural and normal.

[gentlearts]

You are the parent. You have made your children a part of the decision making process and the decision has been made after thoughtful consideration about the best course for your family.
A 15 year old girl is, by definition, a quixotic creature. When you and your fiance steer a clear and firm course for the family she will fall in line. It will be a big adjustment for you as well with two small children to care for. Your children will probably have some issues with the extra time you need to give the younger children.
I suppose you could continue to be at the whim of a 15 year old's mood of the week, but this isn't really a life plan, is it?

[cmacf1]

I'm so happy to read that things are better with your daughter. As someone who moved once when I was 14 across the country then again when I was 15 back to another town two hours from where we used to live, I can say it wasn't easy. I went to different schools in 8th, 9th and 10th grades. However, I did get to like everyplace I lived and I did make friends. One of things my parents did for me that somehow helped me was when we moved the first time, they hired a pilot and a small plane and the three of us went up in the plane and flew all around our new home and the town and surrounding area. It was SOOOO much fun. Then when we moved again, they did the same thing. Kind of a different sort of thing to do, but it really helped me figure out where I was and how beautiful each new place was. I'm sure it was expensive, but I really appreciated that they did that.

Best of luck with the move and best wishes for a wonderful marriage

[Sundance]

I'm excited for you - your daughter will be fine - you're a great mother.

[mari4him]

Originally Posted by sean98125

You have a 15 year old daughter that is moody and who hates you and thinks that you are ruining her life? I've never heard of such a thing. Most teenaged girls that I've ever met are remarkably happy and like nothing better than to spend time with their moms.

Yeah, it's going to suck. You're going to butt heads over this. Don't forget that this is the age that your daughter is supposed to be getting emotionally ready to leave the nest. She's supposed to be finding reasons to separate from her childhood home and step out on her own. It's natural and normal.

I understand what you're saying. Yeah I know my daughter, like most teenagers would rather be out and about with her friends before mom, very normal for her age. But even with all that we've always had a very good relationship and talk about everything. She is the kind that sends her friends to me for advice or asks me about what advice she should give a friend, so thats why it was also difficult to deal with this displayed anger and hurtful words.

Originally Posted by gentlearts

You are the parent. You have made your children a part of the decision making process and the decision has been made after thoughtful consideration about the best course for your family.
A 15 year old girl is, by definition, a quixotic creature. When you and your fiance steer a clear and firm course for the family she will fall in line. It will be a big adjustment for you as well with two small children to care for. Your children will probably have some issues with the extra time you need to give the younger children.
I suppose you could continue to be at the whim of a 15 year old's mood of the week, but this isn't really a life plan, is it?

Thank you and that is what I kept focusing on. She was made part of the decision from the very beginning and for months was perfectly happy with it to the point of wanting to speed the process up. So changing gears on a whim was just not only not going to happen but no practical or fair to the rest of us.

The adjustment has pretty much been going good so far. Haven't heard any complaints or seen tinges of jealousies or anything thus far but I am actually very aware that it may happen and have discussed with my fiance that I need to make sure that I keep little things for her and I to do together, apart from the other's and the little one's. I try to have time for her and try not to let the girls interrupt if she and I are talking or something by saying to them, okay give me a few minutes I am busy right now. So far hasn't been an issue, least not to my knowledge. Thanks for mentioning that though because it is something I have to be careful on and not slack of on it too. It is a big adjustment and we have basically 2-3 groups of kids needs that we have going on and have to be in tune with. Teens - same age group but occasional different needs - 2 teenage boys, 1 teenage girl and then the 2 little ones.

And nope that would not be life's plan. God help us we'd go insane if living of the whims of our kids all the time. lol.

Originally Posted by cmacf1

I'm so happy to read that things are better with your daughter. As someone who moved once when I was 14 across the country then again when I was 15 back to another town two hours from where we used to live, I can say it wasn't easy. I went to different schools in 8th, 9th and 10th grades. However, I did get to like everyplace I lived and I did make friends. One of things my parents did for me that somehow helped me was when we moved the first time, they hired a pilot and a small plane and the three of us went up in the plane and flew all around our new home and the town and surrounding area. It was SOOOO much fun. Then when we moved again, they did the same thing. Kind of a different sort of thing to do, but it really helped me figure out where I was and how beautiful each new place was. I'm sure it was expensive, but I really appreciated that they did that.

Best of luck with the move and best wishes for a wonderful marriage

Wow that does sound like a lot of fun and probably was very expensive. With my kids what I did is basically drive them around and show them places of interest. Like for my son its where are the movie theaters, arcade, park, etc. For my daughter it's where is the mall, the beach, and her favorite stores.

Thanks for sharing your story and for the best wishes.

Originally Posted by Sundance

I'm excited for you - your daughter will be fine - you're a great mother.

Thank you. I'm excited too. It's been getting a bit nutty lately planning everything and it being just ohhh what did my fiance say yesterday, about 55 days away now...