Frustrating Situation (step-siblings, party, custody, ideas)

[mari4him]

Okay... so I'm getting married June 14th this year. My fiance and I live 2.5 hours away from each other and of course this means relocation on one of our parts. When first talking marriage it was open as to who would be moving. We both have kids and so thinking of them was a concern of ours. Eventually it was decided I would relocate. My kids 19 and 15 were both totally on board with it.

I'm going to focus on my 15 year old daughter because she's the one I'm having issues with right now. When the discussion came up, all the different options were presented. One day my daughter came out of the blue saying she wanted to move. Wanting to be sure of her decision, I asked her reasons. She stated it was an opportunity to re-invent herself, start over fresh. She talked about all the drama at school she was sick of and I made a point to say in high school there's always drama, where we moved would probably not promise much different, it would boil down to how she dealt with it.

Several weeks later, being totally convinced this is what she wanted to do, the decision was made. We would be moving. Now 4 months later and just 2 months away from the date, she is moody, angry and generally a pain in the butt saying she doesn't want to leave her friends. Mind you, same friends she had no problem leaving before. She says she had no problem moving before, even to the point of wanting to withdraw from school, move and be homeschooled even at the risk of losing the school year in desire to move right then and there. Of course I said no, that would be irresponsible. Turns out that when she was saying all this she was talking to a boy where we would be moving to and since found out the boy is relocating up North with his family. Basically, they won't be together afterall. So now she has started this not wanting to move thing. I suspect there is probably a boy she is talking to here now.

She's got this underlying anger all the time now and is very moody with me. Has even said she hates me and I am ruining her life with this move, only caring about myself and not her (often tied into not getting her way about something unrelated to the move). Something that is totally not true and even though she was part of the decision all along. There was a choice at the beginning, probably a mistake on my part. Funny she says I don't care when truth is I probably cared too much about how she'd feel, thus taking her feelings into consideration at the time of making the decision.

She adores my fiance and his kids. We go there some weekends and she has fun (as much as can be expected being she doesn't have her own set of friends yet). She's playful and joking and all that. My gut actually tells me to hold on to those moments knowing she'll be okay once we actually move. However, it does not make these remaining months here any easier to bear with her attitude. I think some comes from a few friends telling her "oh you don't have to move, just stay here with me, my mom will let you live with us"... like that is even an option. It's like a rollercoster ride right now. Very high ups and very low downs.

I basically told her the decision has been made for month's now. She was part of that decision at the very beginning and was on board. Just because she's changed her mind, due to that boy and her no longer talking, doesn't mean everyone else has to change their mind or plans now as well. Again, I understand its difficult, and I made sure she knew I understood that and would help however I could to make it easier, the point is she wanted to do this. If she hadn't, the plans may have been different, but now they are what they are and it wouldn't be fair to everyone else. BTW, my 19 year old son, although leaving his new g/f here making it a long distance relationship of weekends only, is looking forward to the move.

When the staying with a friend came up, I simply told her it was not an option. If she wanted options she had one of two, moving with me or going to live with her father (though that is not my preference, I made it clear I want her with me). Bottom line, she's 15 though... a minor, those would be the only two options. I did emphasize understanding the difficulty of moving, leaving friends but reminded her that between myspace, text messages, cell phones, she could stay in touch and even offered to drive here now and then to allow her a day with friends or arrange to pick up a friend to stay the weekend with us. I have no problem occassionally making the 5 hr round trip drive if it'll make it easier, at least at first until she gets her own set of friends where we are moving to.

Again, she loves my fiance and is happy we're getting married. That is not an issue or factor. She just suddenly doesn't want to move, and like I said, I suspect a boy she may be talking to here now, though she denies that. She even still tells my son's g/f that part of her wants to move and part of her doesn't. So it's not even a full blown out not wanting to.

Any suggestions how I can make this an easier transition at this point. Anyone been there? Any advice on what I could say to her or how to best deal with this. This is really frustrating because all was fine up to about a month or so ago.

Mari

[regarese]

How old are your fiance's kids? Your daughter's age? I'm 32, totally understand the move, but honestly the first thing I thought of was, "That stinks that she has to start a new high school with only a few years left-I would hate to do that." If her step-siblings are around her age, maybe something can be done so that she can spend some time hanging out with them and their friends over the summer before the new school year starts? Or are there any camps or programs in the area that you can enroll her in over the summer so she gets to meet some people she might be going to school with?

[mari4him]

Originally Posted by regarese

How old are your fiance's kids? Your daughter's age? I'm 32, totally understand the move, but honestly the first thing I thought of was, "That stinks that she has to start a new high school with only a few years left-I would hate to do that." If her step-siblings are around her age, maybe something can be done so that she can spend some time hanging out with them and their friends over the summer before the new school year starts? Or are there any camps or programs in the area that you can enroll her in over the summer so she gets to meet some people she might be going to school with?

My daughter is 15. My fiance has custody of his 3 kids. 15 year old boy and 2 little girls ages 3 & 4. She already has met a few of my soon to be step-son's friends. They are both in the same grade and would be attending the same school.

She will be trying out for cheerleading at the new school once we find out when the tryout dates are. Also, she's been into modeling and Tae Kwon Do in the past and I told her I would happily look into putting her back in those things if she wants to. There are also two daughters of a friend of my fiance, which my daughter met once already, and they are just around the same age as my daughter, think 1 a year younger and the other a year older, they both do gymnastics, this is something my daughter has had an interest in doing and I told her I'd gladly put her in that if thats what she wanted.

We also attend church regularly. My fiance and I have been searching for a church that meets our family needs and of primary concern has been a strong youth group. We have found one that we have visited several times, very similar to the one my kids and I attend here and they have an extremely high youth population. Once plugged in there as well she will have plenty of kids to get to know.

She is also a very outgoing, friendly person and makes friends very easily. Part of the reason why the wedding date was moved up from late July to mid June was because my daughter wanted to move the sooner the better and I figured school lets out May 30th so 2 weeks of summer time here to have going away stuff with her friends and then allow her at least 1 1/2 months over there to make friends through other activities prior to school beginning.

[regarese]

Ahh-she sounds like she'll be fine then. She's probably just getting antsy about it and doesn't know any better way to express that-fear of the unknown and all that. I moved back to a school district in 9th grade that I left in 4th grade and begged to live with my grandmother so that I would not have to change schools-and I KNEW the kids I'd be in school with. LOL. I know you have a lot going on with your wedding and everything, but maybe she could have some kind of going away bash with her friends that weekend school lets out-give her some closure with the move. Good luck!!

[mari4him]

Originally Posted by regarese

Ahh-she sounds like she'll be fine then. She's probably just getting antsy about it and doesn't know any better way to express that-fear of the unknown and all that. I moved back to a school district in 9th grade that I left in 4th grade and begged to live with my grandmother so that I would not have to change schools-and I KNEW the kids I'd be in school with. LOL. I know you have a lot going on with your wedding and everything, but maybe she could have some kind of going away bash with her friends that weekend school lets out-give her some closure with the move. Good luck!!

Thats what I was planning to do, the going away bash. Even did some research on idea's for it and came across one where everyone brought a sort of gag gift. Something funny that was reminiscent of a special memory between them and your child. These things would then be placed in a memory box and lots and lots of pictures would be taken to make a scrapbook of "Fun Times at (insert city, state)". I brought this up to her and she was like that's lame... So I told her okay, I thought that could be fun but fine you come up with something. To be honest with you though, any bash I make for her, being 15 and wanting food, soft drinks and music will easily be a couple of hundred dollars and right now with her attitude I'm not feeling much like doing anything. I told her as much too.

Guess I'm feeling that I have gone out of my way to not only make her part of the decision at the beginning, but then also try to make it as easy as possible, taking her to the new school already, alternating weekends between here and there to make a smoother transition, while still allowing her time here with her friends, even changing some weekend plans to accomodate a change that may arise with a friends birthday or what not. I've tried to reassure her and offered to do many things to make it easier. And all this was just fine. She wanted to move, like I said, right now wanting me to pull her out of school and everything. Then suddenly, it was like day and night. Since this change occured after she stopped talking to that boy, I did tell her that the decision's for what is best for our family as a whole could not be based on what boy she liked at the moment and where he lived. I mean, so she was okay moving so long as she liked that boy, now that is not happenng and she is possibly talking to someone here, so we should now stay, well what then if during a visit to her dad she met a boy there, should I now plan to move to that city instead, and when that end's then what? I asked her, do you realize how that sounds?

You're probably right though, as the day gets closer she is probably feeling antsy about it. I think the boy over there possibly gave her something to look forward to as she hasn't "really" had a boyfriend yet. I also think that being 15 she herself possibly doesn't know what she really wants. Proof in that she tells my son's g/f that part of her wants to move and another part of her doesn't want to move. I know it is very hard. I remember when at 13 my mother moved me from New York to Florida and I hated it. But it passed as soon as I adjusted to my new environment and made new friends.

Much like my mom knew that it was difficult for me but also knew it was the best decision for us as a family, I too know it is difficult for her but also know it will be best for all of us. This move also brings her about 1.5 hours closer to her dad making the visits to him easier too.

I am trying to not let her moodiness bring me down, because I do know it will pass. It's just hard though. She was so happy about this before and I liked that. I've always had a lot of consideration for my children and how decisions I make could effect them. So it hurts for her to be acting as I don't care about her or her life. If that were the case I would have just made the decision and never thought about making her or my son participants in it. I would have just said.. I'm getting married and we are moving. Period. But that is not how it went. So it's hard.

[summers19]

I think the previous poster's idea of throwing a going away party is a great idea. It provides her closure and allows her to celebrate and honor her current relationships.
She's 15. 15 year old girls are notorious for changing their minds. My parents moved when I was 14 years old. I DID NOT want to move. I loved my friends and had looked forward to starting high school with them. We moved in the summer between 8th and 9th grades and it was a mess. And we only moved 3 miles away. But we moved into a new school system and sadly, I let them pay for it my whole high school career. It sounds like your daughter has a brighter outlook on change than I did.
Whatever you do, please don't gloss over her feelings. One day she may be excited about the upcoming move, other days she may be royally pissed that you are uprooting her from her comfort zone.
Other ideas may be...to let her redesign or redecorate her new bedroom in the new house. Let her have a reasonable pet of her choice right now to make the transition easier, etc. Let her have as much control in her life as you feel comfortable giving a 15 year old girl. I feel for you and her.

[regarese]

Originally Posted by mari4him

she was like that's lame...

I told my mom that too when she told me the favor for my sweet 16 was going to be backscratchers with the date printed on them and she suggested we play musical chairs. My friends LOVED it and some still have the backscratchers. LOL. ANYTHING you suggest is going to be lame because she wants to be moody about this right now. Your ideas sound great.

[mari4him]

Originally Posted by summers19

I think the previous poster's idea of throwing a going away party is a great idea. It provides her closure and allows her to celebrate and honor her current relationships.
She's 15. 15 year old girls are notorious for changing their minds. My parents moved when I was 14 years old. I DID NOT want to move. I loved my friends and had looked forward to starting high school with them. We moved in the summer between 8th and 9th grades and it was a mess. And we only moved 3 miles away. But we moved into a new school system and sadly, I let them pay for it my whole high school career. It sounds like your daughter has a brighter outlook on change than I did.
Whatever you do, please don't gloss over her feelings. One day she may be excited about the upcoming move, other days she may be royally pissed that you are uprooting her from her comfort zone.
Other ideas may be...to let her redesign or redecorate her new bedroom in the new house. Let her have a reasonable pet of her choice right now to make the transition easier, etc. Let her have as much control in her life as you feel comfortable giving a 15 year old girl. I feel for you and her.

Thank you for your input. YES! Forgot to mention that redecorating her room is definitely one of the things she is getting. The room she will be getting is pretty much being done for her. New carpet and paint of her choice. She is also going to be getting a new bedroom set and along with that bedding etc. I have also extended an invitation to her best friend to be able to go with us during that first week when we move to help her set everything up and stuff like that.

As far as pets. Well she has a dog that has been with my mom for the last 3 years since her father and I divorced. There is the option of bringing that dog with us. Other than that we may be getting a cat.

[regarese]

Originally Posted by mari4him

Thank you for your input. YES! Forgot to mention that redecorating her room is definitely one of the things she is getting. The room she will be getting is pretty much being done for her. New carpet and paint of her choice. She is also going to be getting a new bedroom set and along with that bedding etc. I have also extended an invitation to her best friend to be able to go with us during that first week when we move to help her set everything up and stuff like that.

As far as pets. Well she has a dog that has been with my mom for the last 3 years since her father and I divorced. There is the option of bringing that dog with us. Other than that we may be getting a cat.

Ok-can you adopt me?!?! LOL.

[mari4him]

Originally Posted by regarese

Ok-can you adopt me?!?! LOL.

LOL.... Thanks... that made me smile. So I'm not the selfish mean old mom that she is portraying me out to be right now. LOL.

Deep in my heart I know I am not, and I also know she knows I am not. It's just really hurting right now. I'm 38, my kids are 19 and 15, half my life has been all about them. Me being a stay at home mom the whole time pretty much. I've always done for her. Modeling, Cheerleading, School volunteer, field trips, everything. Her friends are always saying how lucky she is to have a good relationship with her mom and she would always say, yeah I love my mommy.

Yet, here I am planning my wedding with only 2 months to do so left. Looking at the dresses and having to go pick one and get fitted like quickly. She is my Maid of Honor and I really want to share this with her and right now, even though she likes my fiance, likes that I am getting married, she is making this all a down experience as I feel I can't share it with her.

She looks bothered whenever I mention anything about it right now. This wasn't the case before. In fact, being a remarriage I wasn't even going to do anything big, hence the short planning. But mainly at her encouragement and my fiance's, because I never had the church wedding w/dresses, pictures, etc., I am doing something a bit larger scale. However, at this point, I'm about to go pick the dresses with my son's g/f and see how she feels when I don't bring her along. I know I more than likely won't do that though and am just venting right now. LOL