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Old 06-23-2019, 05:38 PM
 
6,186 posts, read 2,852,918 times
Reputation: 15665

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So far:
Nagging: isn't working.
Threatening: isn't working.

Ohh...and HE isn't working.

He is your family.

I'd probably take a picture of him each day..put it on the Refridge...and put up a pic of him when he was hygiene conscious. With a caption of something clever. Sometimes a picture speaks all the words.

And I'm glad you love him.
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Old 06-23-2019, 05:53 PM
 
Location: Dark Side of the Moon
150 posts, read 29,625 times
Reputation: 410
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tf12345 View Post
My 19 yr old son will not bathe or brush his teeth without constant nagging. He keeps old food and half empty pop cans in his room. Last year we got ants because of it. He has been driving around on tires that are almost flat for weeks because he wont go get air in them. I originally thought he might be depressed but he goes out with friends regularly and has many future events he is excited about. Additionally he states he is not depressed but says my nagging is depressing him. Finally in the 13 months since he graduated high school he has only worked 6 months. My husband (his dad) got him a good job with his company, but within 2 months he was intentionally doing a bad job to get fired. Well now he is fired and is making no effort to look for a job. He was able to save a couple thousand in the 3 months he worked and it looks like he plans to live off his savings before worrying about work. This is creating huge problems in our family. Any advice?
That's a tough situation. I had to deal with something similar, heart breaking, so I feel your pain. I have posted about it. I have a suggestion:

Do you pay his car insurance, phone, etc? If so, you have lots of leverage and never need to nag. You can offer him choices, and if he doesn't comply, then his choice is to lose those amenities.

Does he pay rent? If not, I am a believer in tough love when you know there's no mental or physical issue impairing the adult child who fails to launch.

Best of luck.
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Old 06-23-2019, 06:21 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
9,130 posts, read 2,996,123 times
Reputation: 13774
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tf12345 View Post
My 19 yr old son will not bathe or brush his teeth without constant nagging. He keeps old food and half empty pop cans in his room. Last year we got ants because of it. He has been driving around on tires that are almost flat for weeks because he wont go get air in them. I originally thought he might be depressed but he goes out with friends regularly and has many future events he is excited about. Additionally he states he is not depressed but says my nagging is depressing him. Finally in the 13 months since he graduated high school he has only worked 6 months. My husband (his dad) got him a good job with his company, but within 2 months he was intentionally doing a bad job to get fired. Well now he is fired and is making no effort to look for a job. He was able to save a couple thousand in the 3 months he worked and it looks like he plans to live off his savings before worrying about work. This is creating huge problems in our family. Any advice?

He sounds like a good candidate to become a career bachelor. Poor woman, who found herself stuck with him. Men are not supposed to live in such a slothful way, until they become old.
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Old 06-23-2019, 06:42 PM
 
11,262 posts, read 8,417,691 times
Reputation: 20430
Close the door to his room and ignore it. Shovel it out periodically.

Hope he meets someone he cares about impressing.
Insist on personal hygiene. That's the battle I'd pick. "Get your swim trunks on son. I'm gonna scrub you down out back with the hose."
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Old 06-23-2019, 07:05 PM
 
642 posts, read 174,036 times
Reputation: 1563
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tf12345 View Post
I have not noticed the furniture smelling. My son sometimes smells, his hair looks greasy and because he wont shave, his facial hair looks pretty bad. l literally nag him nonstop to make sure he takes a shower every few days, but since he plays basketball and previously did manual labor bathing twice a week is not enough.

Hopefully you or your husband have a good sense of humor: start making fun of his hygiene- teenagers could be sensitive to not be a butt of all jokes..
You already know that nagging does not work- try to make fun of him.
Buy face masks or even a gas mask, etc
We had one of the teachers in school with the perfect attendance and discipline: she had a very sharp tongue and with her one- liners could make all class burst into laughter over something a student did or did not do.
Everybody was walking on their toes and we were on our best behavior with her.


Another option: the opposite- take him “shopping”- to a nice department store to buy a shampoo, soap, deodorant- don’t tell him before the trip- and let him select the fragrance, etc. meanwhile candidly explain how unpleasant it is to be around him and ask if any of his friends ever commented about his habits?and what about girls?
Buy a smart looking outfit- saying that it will help in his job search, etc

Go on Instagram and type teenage male hair trend, fashion, etc- find photos of the young men similar in looks to your son- pretend you stumbled on it by chance - and compliment him how great it would have look on him as well...
Anyway, keep trying!

( Greasy hair could be a part of teenage “movement” from a couple of years ago- google not washing hair- a couple of my younger relatives did not wash their hair for 2 years! Telling me that it starts greasy, but then it is fine! They both have luxurious long locks- at the time I saw them- it did look great- unwashed!!!)
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Old 06-23-2019, 07:12 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,578 posts, read 5,091,475 times
Reputation: 14060
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
Close the door to his room and ignore it. Shovel it out periodically.

Hope he meets someone he cares about impressing.
Insist on personal hygiene. That's the battle I'd pick. "Get your swim trunks on son. I'm gonna scrub you down out back with the hose."
I was thinking I'd just greet him in the driveway with a garden hose....
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Old 06-23-2019, 07:30 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
4,476 posts, read 3,314,870 times
Reputation: 13767
He's acting like a little child because you treat him like a little child. He lives rent-free in his childhood room, you're providing food and utilities, he isn't required to have a job or go to school, and you nag him about bathing. Is he 19 or 4?

Give him a move-out date and hold the line, and he should find motivation pretty quickly to get off his butt, get a job, and live more like a grown-up person, because the alternative will be homelessness.

This is, of course, taking you at your word that he's mentally and physically healthy.
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Old 06-23-2019, 07:32 PM
Status: "In the business of helping" (set 16 days ago)
 
Location: Colorado
3 posts, read 884 times
Reputation: 30
It is sometimes so hard to ask for advice then you get such negative responses. The truth of the matter is you are not helping your son by letting him continue this behavior. All of these posts are correct. There has got to be a line that gets drawn and boundaries that you will not allow to be crossed. I had an amazing relationship with my son who is now 27 but when he was about 15 he began using drugs I was not aware of the extent until later but the behaviors became clear once I found out. He had extreme anger outbursts and got physical with me at times. One day I went upstairs in his room and smelled pot so I tore his room apart until I found it then I told him to get his things and get out of my house. He left that day and went to live with his dad. During his time with his dad he became addicted to meth and alcohol ended up doing time in jail for a DUI, he then went to rehab as well as lost his license for an extended amount of time. Today he is clean and sober has children of his own and he is learning what it is to be a parent. He chose a path and had to walk it. He learned from his mistakes and I do not feel guilty anymore.
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Old 06-23-2019, 07:59 PM
 
Location: Washington state
5,432 posts, read 2,758,123 times
Reputation: 16330
He might just be resisting to the nagging. If that's not working, then I'd quit. Give him nothing to resist against.

But I agree with everyone else. He needs rules and boundaries. You've done your part. You've raised him, fed him, sheltered him, educated him, and loved him. Now he needs to do his part and that would include acting like an adult, paying some rent, his own food, and some utilities.

The other thing you could do if it's possible is rent him an apartment and pay the first 3 months on it (but make HIM sign for it). When he moves out, change the locks on the doors and let him know he isn't allowed back for at least a year.

You can either do nothing or you can do something. If you do nothing, nothing changes and you can't complain about if that's how you want to roll.

If you want something to change, then you have to do something. All that remains is what to do. It's not going to be effortless on your part and it might even be painful. But you have a choice to make. Do something and get this boy-child out into the real world or do nothing and let him live like this, with you, for the rest of his life. Your choice. There is no in-between and every time you say, "But...(I love him)", you are choosing to do nothing. Think about that.
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Old 06-23-2019, 09:22 PM
 
356 posts, read 109,012 times
Reputation: 790
Tell him that in 3 months he'll have to move out.
If he has a job by then he'll be okay, if he doesn't, he won't.

OR - if you really want to be a softee - tell him like this:
After 3 months he can continue to live with you but he'll have to be home by 11pm each night, do xyz chores around the house to earn his keep, and so on.

His choice.
He needs to grow up. Now's a good time.
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