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Old 06-23-2019, 10:39 PM
 
2,838 posts, read 4,156,321 times
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I remember my parents telling me (I was probably in 8th or 9th grade) that when I got out of college I was welcome to stay with them for 3 months. At the end of that time I should have enough money saved to have an apartment, utility down payment, be able to pay for car insurance, etc.

I don't know what would have happened if I didn't but I started a full time job 2 weeks after graduating and have worked and paid my own way since.

Every day that you allow your son to sleep in and hang about with no job and no responsibilities you are prolonging his misery. He needs to take care of himself to have good mental health and to feel good about himself.

You must set down rules now. He must work and pay rent and board (if he eats there). He must take care of YOUR house - no dishes/food/trash in his room. He will shower and brush his teeth everyday. YOUR HOUSE - YOUR RULES.
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Old 06-24-2019, 08:16 AM
 
2,688 posts, read 1,621,604 times
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I agree with the others... If you don't force your son to start taking care of himself, he never will.


When I graduated high school, I went on to college. Did the 4 year thing, found a job in Dallas and moved back in with my folks. At the time, I was commuting from my parent's home about 25 miles away from where I worked. They charged me rent for the 6 months I was living there, then I bought a condo downtown closer to work and moved out.


About the only time I've never had to pay my own way was when my then fiancee and I moved to TX and we lived with my parents for 3 months while we were house shopping... They didn't charge me rent that time, I think my mother was thrilled to have my now wife around!


As a counterpoint to the above, I was friends with a guy in childhood/teen years. His parents enabled him his entire life, including through college. His mother would make trips down to UT Austin to help him with papers, homework, etc, for his classes.


He did graduate, though I suspect his mother did a very large percentage of the actual work required. Never got a job, he lives with his parents for awhile, they get sick of his behavior and kick him out, then they pay for an apartment for him. After awhile they get tired of how much he's spending and tired of paying his rent, so they bring him back home.



That lasts about 3-6 months until they can't stand each other anymore and then they rent another apartment for him so they can have their house back. He's in his 40's now and he'll be mooching off his parents for life. Had they been forceful with him during high school and college and forced him to be self reliant, he wouldn't be in the same situation now over 20 years later.
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Old 06-24-2019, 03:42 PM
 
Location: Washington state
5,432 posts, read 2,759,563 times
Reputation: 16335
I forgot to say that at 19, you can legally evict your son, too. That might wake him a little.
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Old 06-24-2019, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,207 posts, read 8,513,923 times
Reputation: 35600
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nik4me View Post
Hopefully you or your husband have a good sense of humor: start making fun of his hygiene- teenagers could be sensitive to not be a butt of all jokes..
You already know that nagging does not work- try to make fun of him.
Buy face masks or even a gas mask, etc
We had one of the teachers in school with the perfect attendance and discipline: she had a very sharp tongue and with her one- liners could make all class burst into laughter over something a student did or did not do.
Everybody was walking on their toes and we were on our best behavior with her.
I'm afraid the teacher's tricks worked because it was in front of a classroom of peers and unfortunately that's not the case since only another brother is around who probably eats up his brother rebelling with no consequences.

OP - do you want a repeat with your other son? Then set down some rules now. Get that "couple of thousand" dollars to go down as quickly as possible - stop buying him ANYTHING. You know he should be paying YOU, right? Don't supply him any groceries of any kind and he can spend his own dime for EVERY meal out. And when the money is gone don't be tempted - because you know you will be.
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Old 06-24-2019, 04:46 PM
 
38,124 posts, read 14,894,548 times
Reputation: 24544
The more you push, the more he resists. It's a tug of war. Time to drop your end of the rope.

If he has saved several thousand dollars, now is the ideal time for him to move out.

Discuss it with your husband so you are both on the same page, though it sounds as if your husband is already there.

Tell him you understand completely how discouraging it must be to be an adult and yet have your parents constantly nagging and complaining.

Tell him that he wins, he can be the adult he yearns to be and has until this Friday to find some place where he is free to be that adult.

Announce you will be doing a major cleaning of the house this weekend. He and his belongings need to be gone, because on Friday the locks will be changed.

Without a job, it may be difficult to rent an apartment, but perhaps one of his friends will want to split a place. Ads online for people looking for roommates. Or local youth hostel or weekly hotel rental or ???

Whatever, that is not your problem. That is his. He's an adult now.

Good luck.
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Old 06-24-2019, 04:56 PM
 
38,124 posts, read 14,894,548 times
Reputation: 24544
I would urge you not to discuss this with him any further. Though, if you wanted to, you could get him a box of Glad ForceFlex garbage bags, the 30 gallon size work well, so that he can start packing.

He may think you are bluffing. In which case, when he heads out for Friday night with his friends, pack those bags up and leave them by the curb.

I'm serious about having the locks changed.
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Old 06-24-2019, 05:16 PM
 
10 posts, read 4,898 times
Reputation: 20
My husband and I have decided that we are going to provide a contract to him that requires bathing and working. If he fails to do that, he will have 30 days to leave.
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Old 06-24-2019, 05:27 PM
 
3,542 posts, read 1,355,757 times
Reputation: 6942
what if he fails to "do" that, or fails to "sign" that?

for example: he signs but only actually does half in 30 days?
is that better than it has been? well, then, consider another 30.
a "contract" involves negotiation. a "directive" does not.
(of course, this is not a Mafia movie about An Offer...)
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Old 06-24-2019, 06:01 PM
 
10,901 posts, read 6,096,974 times
Reputation: 5869
Easy solution. Start charging him rent. $500 a month in your hand every first of the month without fail. He'll go through that little nest egg in a few months and will be forced to find a job or find someplace else to live for that amount of money.

The rule in my house growing up was as long as you were in school you didn't have to pay rent. All five of us kids grew up to be self-supporting in our early 20s because we learned how to do it.

Your son is not a kid anymore, he's a young adult. You do him no favors by allowing him to take advantage of you like this. How is he ever going to learn how to fend for himself if you refuse to teach him?
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Old 06-24-2019, 08:15 PM
 
Location: Watervliet, NY
4,245 posts, read 1,567,742 times
Reputation: 7796
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tf12345 View Post
He is my son and I love him. I am trying to figure out how to motivate him to start acting like an adult.
Little late for that now. You should've been motivating him his entire life.
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