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Old 06-25-2019, 06:35 AM
 
808 posts, read 430,359 times
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Has your son ever seriously participated in anything that would have exercised and strengthened his personal sense of will, determination, perseverance, or goals/direction in life? Did he play a sport for a number of years and excel at this? Did he study and make good grades? Did he stick with some interest/skill and become good at it? Was he in the least required to keep his room clean and organized growing up?

Sports, skills/pursuits, and academics can teach these foundational life skills to kids growing up and then they take it with them leaving the nest. They learn how to overcome inertia, delay gratification, and persevere to keep life going with forward momentum and achievement.

Has he had ample past opportunities to develop these traits and skills within himself? If not, then he needs to learn these foundational skills before he finds himself in a cycle and rut of underachievement that is virtually impossible to get out of later in life. The problem is that he is not a little kid anymore that you can force into going to soccer or guitar practice when he does not feel like going. Sounds like the army could do him some good at this point. It's tough. He's an adult now and the motivation and forward movement has to come from him.
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Old 06-25-2019, 06:40 AM
 
Location: Prepperland
13,732 posts, read 9,841,195 times
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In the pre-socialist days, most folks endowed their children with family property and vocation, preserving wealth across generations. Children were apprenticed into their family's business at a young age, and were ready to "take over" when still young adults. Of course, if they had no inclination to follow in the family tradition, their place was given to the next in line, and they were sent on their merry way, free to pursue happiness - but at their own expense.
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Old 06-25-2019, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,848 posts, read 14,356,798 times
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To the OP: you motivate your son by giving him ultimatums. He has to either begin paying rent and practicing cleanliness and doing his own laundry, or he has 30 days to move out. He will find a job. But he might test you before he either shapes up or moves.

The not showering seems to me to be a power play with his dad. If dad was especially controlling in the past, or cleanliness is especially bothersome to him, son is deriving something from his actions.

Right now your son needs to know you will not tolerate his behavior in your home. Both of you together need to make this plain to him, and not back down, and remember, your younger son is watching you and learning. What do you think he is learning?
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Old 06-25-2019, 03:19 PM
 
38,124 posts, read 14,894,548 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tf12345 View Post
My husband and I have decided that we are going to provide a contract to him that requires bathing and working. If he fails to do that, he will have 30 days to leave.
Good for you guys.

However, I would suggest that bathing and paying rent should start this Friday.
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Old 06-25-2019, 03:27 PM
 
9,519 posts, read 13,439,344 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tf12345 View Post
He is my son and I love him. I am trying to figure out how to motivate him to start acting like an adult.
Kick him out. He needs tough love. Allowing him to continue to live there is enabling his behavior.
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Old 06-25-2019, 04:44 PM
 
6,188 posts, read 2,856,740 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
To the OP: you motivate your son by giving him ultimatums. He has to either begin paying rent and practicing cleanliness and doing his own laundry, or he has 30 days to move out. He will find a job. But he might test you before he either shapes up or moves.

The not showering seems to me to be a power play with his dad. If dad was especially controlling in the past, or cleanliness is especially bothersome to him, son is deriving something from his actions.

Right now your son needs to know you will not tolerate his behavior in your home. Both of you together need to make this plain to him, and not back down, and remember, your younger son is watching you and learning. What do you think he is learning?
Let's ponder what he is learning. Money equals power. That if he pays rent he'll have a say (voice). He'll learn that his body is open to others mandating his habits. He'll learn that complying with he who holds the gold is a life struggle.

Ultimatums backfire more often. Because the person welding the power ends up losing respect by the subject. (Young adult ).

Sit down and listen to the young person. Without judging,with a bit of human concern. Refrain from nagging. Ask him what he gains from this behavior. Maybe it's the only thing he can control. He feels empowered in some limited bizarre way perhaps?
Ask him to step in the family shoes and convey how he would handle a member who had hygiene challenges.
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Old 06-25-2019, 05:00 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,813 posts, read 1,832,844 times
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I would be very specific in the contract:

1) Bathing daily. If he refuses, are you going to allow him to be unbathed for 30 days before you boot him? It's crazy that an adult will not bathe. If he refuses to bathe, tell him he has three days to "bathe or quit."

2) Get a full-time job.

3) Pay room (and board, if you are providing food) - you can make it minimal - at least $100 per week, though.

4) Include rules of the house: curfews, drugs/alcohol/guest expectations, everything that is important to you.

5) He must clean his room thoroughly, at least weekly and do laundry and change sheets.

6) Must contribute to household chores (take garbage out, whatever else you want him to do).

7) Etc.

Let him know he is lucky to have this opportunity, and he can take it on your terms, or leave it, as in leave.
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Old 06-25-2019, 06:32 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,848 posts, read 14,356,798 times
Reputation: 30712
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Let's ponder what he is learning. Money equals power. That if he pays rent he'll have a say (voice). He'll learn that his body is open to others mandating his habits. He'll learn that complying with he who holds the gold is a life struggle.

Ultimatums backfire more often. Because the person welding the power ends up losing respect by the subject. (Young adult ).

Sit down and listen to the young person. Without judging,with a bit of human concern. Refrain from nagging. Ask him what he gains from this behavior. Maybe it's the only thing he can control. He feels empowered in some limited bizarre way perhaps?
Ask him to step in the family shoes and convey how he would handle a member who had hygiene challenges.
Oh, I disagree with almost all of this.

And while I am disagreeing, I am adding that father is being too passive. He holes up in the bedroom instead of confronting son, who frankly needs to be confronted.

OPís plan will work if they are united and if they donít back down. If one of them gets cold feet, or is not as firm as the other, the parents are looking at having a deadbeat son in their home.
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Old 06-25-2019, 06:51 PM
 
Location: Portal to the Pacific
5,134 posts, read 5,090,517 times
Reputation: 6343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Let's ponder what he is learning. Money equals power. That if he pays rent he'll have a say (voice). He'll learn that his body is open to others mandating his habits. He'll learn that complying with he who holds the gold is a life struggle.

Ultimatums backfire more often. Because the person welding the power ends up losing respect by the subject. (Young adult ).

Sit down and listen to the young person. Without judging,with a bit of human concern. Refrain from nagging. Ask him what he gains from this behavior. Maybe it's the only thing he can control. He feels empowered in some limited bizarre way perhaps?
Ask him to step in the family shoes and convey how he would handle a member who had hygiene challenges.
All but the bold wouldn't work with my slightly autistic son. He doesn't, and will not have, that level of introspection. Ever.

I don't have autism, but even I struggled in my late-teens and very early 20's because I lost the routine that k-12 education required of me. I was an excellent student and excelled in several extracurricular activities and I just about lost it after high school graduation. Took years to find self-motivation. I would say at this point I'm as productive as any other professional adult, but it still FEELS like a struggle.

My point is that maybe he's having issues setting up and maintaining routines as well as being disillusioned about what adulting really looks and feels like. Most of us are on a hamster wheel of sorts, just that the lucky of us gets to choose the wheel. Or add bells and whistles to it. But even your elite level doctors, athletes and politicians depend on routines. I argue the earlier this is understood, the better.

I think the kid, like my son, needs to develop a routine. Maybe help him figure one out. He can choose when to shower.. morning, day or night. And he should add 15 minutes picking up and 15 minutes physical exercise. That's all I would ask of him to start off with.

And yes, there ought to be either a reward or a consequence... a carrot or a stick as it's referred to.

I DO agree with the bold part. Your son ought understand how this affects you and your husband. Consider telling him that it's only fair that he does these things as you need to feel comfortable in your own home!

Good luck mom! I love my sons too, but it's not an easy ride!
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Old 06-25-2019, 08:36 PM
 
Location: State of Denial
1,910 posts, read 959,043 times
Reputation: 10176
OP, all the ultimatums in the world aren't going to do any good if you aren't prepared to go through with it.


Do you have plans in place for Day Zero? The ultimatum period ends and:


#1. He says, "Hell no, I'm not leaving and you can't make me. Are you prepared to call the police or start legal eviction proceedings or...….


#2. He cleans his room and starts bathing. You high five each other and think the problem is over. In one month, his room is a wreck again and he stops bathing. Do you start over with another ultimatum period or evict him?


#3. He moves out. You turn his room into a home office. You've changed the locks. Two months later, your doorbell rings and it's him at your door, broke, hungry, his roommate has kicked him out, he's looking at you with those puppy-dog eyes. Do you do the Prodigal Son Thing and take him back? Do you refuse to answer the door and hope he goes away? Can he guilt you into letting him come home?


#4 (and the most unlikely). He says, "You know, Mom and Dad, you were right to be concerned! I'm going to get a job and start paying rent. Oh, and I'm shoveling out my room and I hope there's lots of hot water because I'm going to be showering twice a day!" Your problems are over.


Are you ready?
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