U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-25-2019, 08:40 PM
 
4,739 posts, read 4,019,318 times
Reputation: 9910

Advertisements

I think he needs a medical checkup & some visits to a therapist. A 12 or maybe 14 year old not bathing without prodding is normal.

A 19 year old not showering is not normal at all.

He could take his saved up cash & move out to a rental. Sitting around frittering it away will end up with you more frustrated & him without means to rent a room.

At 19 why aren't the choices-- you either get a job or go to college or some training for future employment? If you're not paying rent, you should be cleaning & lawn mowing etc up a storm.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-26-2019, 08:33 AM
 
3,903 posts, read 2,743,924 times
Reputation: 7181
He's acting like a toddler. Ugh. I'd start treating him like one. I would put a lock on his bedroom door. In the morning, every morning, get him up and out and he can go back in after his shower. Trash has to come out daily. I always had a rule, still do, no food trash anywhere in the house except the kitchen because of ants.

And if he didn't work at a job, I'd tell him he had to work at home. Yard work, laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking. His choice. Sitting in the bedroom all day? Not good for him at all.

I knew a mom who made her unrully 19 year old leave the house in the morning and he wasn't allowed home until night. He eventually got a job and moved out.

Make it no fun at home. I remember taking my oldest to look at an affordable apartment, that got her motivated to get out of the house, best thing I ever did for her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2019, 09:00 AM
 
2,657 posts, read 1,547,724 times
Reputation: 3202
Hunger is a pretty powerful motivator if you want to go the tough love route. If you donít I would get him in to a therapist to see whatís going on. Maybe heís depressed. You need an action plan and if he does his part he stays, if not he goes.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2019, 09:03 AM
 
Location: Over yonder a piece
3,910 posts, read 4,645,590 times
Reputation: 6247
1) Charge rent
2) Set up ground rules
- daily shower/grooming is required
- food/dishes are brought to kitchen every evening
- get a job (even part-time is better than nothing)
3) If he will not (or refuses to) abide by those three VERY SIMPLE rules, he has to move out immediately

I also think that therapy to get to the root of the issue is important, as well as seeing a dentist if he's not brushing his teeth.

I also agree with another poster who said that letting him fail may be the only thing to knock some sense into him. One blown tire (AND making him pay for the subsequent repairs to the car) and he'll likely take care of the car.

I appreciate that you love him, but by not enforcing any rules or expectations you are really hindering him from becoming an adult.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2019, 10:04 AM
 
3,294 posts, read 1,559,725 times
Reputation: 3602
Best to let him be. He may be your son,but not your child.

19 yrs old enough to drink,make a baby,get married,go to war,vote,go to the other side of the world and you can't stop him.

Just hope that you gave him enough life lessons to know right from wrong. The best you can hope for is that you can still be part of his life.

And the criticism, at his age he don't want to hear it. Don't want to be bossed around. Let him do him.

What you folks can do as parents, is to make an appointment/date with him so you all can have a big conversation. As adults! Discuss responsibilities of an adult,how to save,clean after oneself,manage life,all that a proper adult should know. If he listens or not is up do him.

Also remind him that he will eventually not live at home anymore,probably get married,and start a life of his own. Hanging out with the dudes is not forever.

He will continue to grow and develop, just give it some time. Let him breathe!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2019, 10:34 AM
 
378 posts, read 85,464 times
Reputation: 742
You are a little bit too late on training your son about responsibility. You baby him way too long. I was born in a third world country like my dad. My dad taught me responsibility when I was 5 years old. At 5 years old, I was baby sitting my 3-year-old brother by myself (my dad had to go work our land for food and my mom was dead). At 6, I started to learn how to cook food. By 12 years old, I can cook for the whole family, which I did often on weekends.



My dad use to tell me, I know you hate doing these things but one day, you'll understand and you will thank me. I hated it when I was a child but looking back, my dad was right. Of course, he was right, he left his parents when he was 16 years old and went on his own into the world. I left my parents at 18 years old and never looked back.



I'm glad my dad trained me young. Parents in America baby their kids way too much. I look at my nieces and nephews now and they are spoiled rotten and don't know how to do anything but play with their smartphone. They cry and complain when they have to clean up their own mess. Forget about cleaning someone else's mess. If it was left up to them to cook, they would starved to death because it's too difficult to warm tv dinners in a microwave.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2019, 10:51 AM
 
Location: planet earth
4,813 posts, read 1,832,844 times
Reputation: 10700
Quote:
Originally Posted by mikefong123 View Post
You are a little bit too late on training your son about responsibility. You baby him way too long. I was born in a third world country like my dad. My dad taught me responsibility when I was 5 years old. At 5 years old, I was baby sitting my 3-year-old brother by myself (my dad had to go work our land for food and my mom was dead). At 6, I started to learn how to cook food. By 12 years old, I can cook for the whole family, which I did often on weekends.



My dad use to tell me, I know you hate doing these things but one day, you'll understand and you will thank me. I hated it when I was a child but looking back, my dad was right. Of course, he was right, he left his parents when he was 16 years old and went on his own into the world. I left my parents at 18 years old and never looked back.



I'm glad my dad trained me young. Parents in America baby their kids way too much. I look at my nieces and nephews now and they are spoiled rotten and don't know how to do anything but play with their smartphone. They cry and complain when they have to clean up their own mess. Forget about cleaning someone else's mess. If it was left up to them to cook, they would starved to death because it's too difficult to warm tv dinners in a microwave.
I love this. Thank you for sharing! I don't care what people say about "child labor," children are very capable. I didn't have anywhere near the responsibilities you had, but did start working at age 11! Twelve hour days (in the summer, cutting apricots).

Babying kids is what is causing so much entitlement - and people who don't know how to do anything!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2019, 11:13 AM
Status: "Be yourself. What's the alternative?" (set 17 days ago)
 
8,678 posts, read 10,833,943 times
Reputation: 12722
Men don't like to admit they're depressed. They might not even consciously know they are.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2019, 12:17 PM
 
4,126 posts, read 3,779,379 times
Reputation: 11323
If you don't do something about this, he will go on like this indefinitely. My older brother didn't move out until his early 30s, because my parents wouldn't kick him out or ask him to pay rent. When they FINALLY asked him to pay rent, he asked if that meant that he could bring a girl home (I'm sure he was already getting high in the house, and I know he was keeping porn in the house - hahah, such innocent days). When my parents told him that he could not bring a girl in to stay over, he decided that if he was going to have to pay rent, he might as well be able to have sex in his room, so he moved out. After thirteen years of living as an adult man, dependent upon his parents. Once he moved out, he finally finished his degree, got a decent job, got married, got a home, had several kids. Moving out of my parents' home was the best thing that ever happened to him. Honestly, the best thing for your son would be for him to move out. Now.

Probably the only thing that he would be able to do, is to rent a room in a shared house or shared apartment. If you "help" him to move out, by paying the first month's rent and deposit, and letting him take his bedroom furniture with him, then his problems become his own. After he's out, make it crystal clear to him that he is NEVER moving back in, but that he's always welcome to come home for Sunday dinner. And then call and text him often. Be only loving and emotionally (but not financially) supportive, and let him figure it out on his own. His housemates will tell him to shower and use deodorant or move out, and will kick him out if he doesn't pay rent, so he'll have to work.

The fact is, he is a horrible housemate for you, you don't want him there, you don't need him there (do you?), and it isn't doing him any good to be there. You and your husband need to agree on this. Once you do, just tell him flat out that he's not welcome at home anymore, that you will help him get into a shared house or shared apartment, and make it happen very, very fast - no three month warning.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-26-2019, 01:14 PM
 
6,188 posts, read 2,856,740 times
Reputation: 15670
Quote:
Originally Posted by kapikap View Post
Best to let him be. He may be your son,but not your child.

19 yrs old enough to drink,make a baby,get married,go to war,vote,go to the other side of the world and you can't stop him.

Just hope that you gave him enough life lessons to know right from wrong. The best you can hope for is that you can still be part of his life.

And the criticism, at his age he don't want to hear it. Don't want to be bossed around. Let him do him.

What you folks can do as parents, is to make an appointment/date with him so you all can have a big conversation. As adults! Discuss responsibilities of an adult,how to save,clean after oneself,manage life,all that a proper adult should know. If he listens or not is up do him.

Also remind him that he will eventually not live at home anymore,probably get married,and start a life of his own. Hanging out with the dudes is not forever.

He will continue to grow and develop, just give it some time. Let him breathe!
While he's breathing, the parents are holding their nose

I enjoyed your adult view. Appreciated it actually.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top