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Old 06-23-2019, 01:21 PM
 
10 posts, read 4,855 times
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My 19 yr old son will not bathe or brush his teeth without constant nagging. He keeps old food and half empty pop cans in his room. Last year we got ants because of it. He has been driving around on tires that are almost flat for weeks because he wont go get air in them. I originally thought he might be depressed but he goes out with friends regularly and has many future events he is excited about. Additionally he states he is not depressed but says my nagging is depressing him. Finally in the 13 months since he graduated high school he has only worked 6 months. My husband (his dad) got him a good job with his company, but within 2 months he was intentionally doing a bad job to get fired. Well now he is fired and is making no effort to look for a job. He was able to save a couple thousand in the 3 months he worked and it looks like he plans to live off his savings before worrying about work. This is creating huge problems in our family. Any advice?
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Old 06-23-2019, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,000 posts, read 17,320,800 times
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And why are you still allowing him to live in your house?
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Old 06-23-2019, 01:46 PM
 
10 posts, read 4,855 times
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He is my son and I love him. I am trying to figure out how to motivate him to start acting like an adult.
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Old 06-23-2019, 02:02 PM
 
13,158 posts, read 20,772,581 times
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At 19, your son needs self-motivation. It doesn't sound as though he has any, so you need to provide some impetus. I have a feeling his lazy lifestyle is being subsidized by his parents. He has a car, who is paying the insurance? He neither works nor attends school, is he paying rent? Who pays for his internet, cell phone, etc? Stop letting him use his money for his entertainment, and see how quickly he realizes he needs to work.
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Old 06-23-2019, 02:02 PM
 
Location: Southern California
23,632 posts, read 8,219,173 times
Reputation: 15422
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tf12345 View Post
He is my son and I love him. I am trying to figure out how to motivate him to start acting like an adult.
My daughter just had her daughter move back in from 4 yrs of college and set down some ToughLove rules. I don't know what you've done so far but getting some talk therapy FOR YOU to lay down on your adult son...yes adult but sounds pretty disrespectful of the house rules, if there are any.
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Old 06-23-2019, 02:05 PM
 
69 posts, read 47,250 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tf12345 View Post
He is my son and I love him. I am trying to figure out how to motivate him to start acting like an adult.
Why would he be motivated to be on his own when you're enabling this behavior? He's living like a slob on your dime, and causing issues with bugs by his trashy habits. Your son needs some problems. Sounds like he's also living rent free? No job, not in school full time but he has many future events he's excited about? If this were my son, the wife and I would be sitting his butt down and drawing out specific rules for our house to include a curfew, participation in all the household chores and an exit plan. A specific date that he's moving out. If he chooses to ignore the date and finds himself without a place to live then that's his choice. You've got a little boy in a young mans body that doesn't understand you and your husband are the king and queen. He's just a minion. If you truly love him you'll stop enabling and have the hard conversation. Otherwise he's going to be shacking up with you when he's 30. You might check out a book by Henry Cloud called Boundaries.
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Old 06-23-2019, 02:22 PM
 
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I will definitely check out the book. Currently my son does pay his car insurance and cellphone bill.
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Old 06-23-2019, 02:34 PM
 
Location: Southern California
23,632 posts, read 8,219,173 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tf12345 View Post
I will definitely check out the book. Currently my son does pay his car insurance and cellphone bill.
The above poster gave a great post on what you and the boy's father needs to do, book or no book.
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Old 06-23-2019, 02:38 PM
 
248 posts, read 64,766 times
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I would make him pay rent so he is forced to work.
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Old 06-23-2019, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,140 posts, read 41,752,473 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tf12345 View Post
I will definitely check out the book. Currently my son does pay his car insurance and cellphone bill.
He has no motivation to get a job since most everything is provided for him.

So you need to take the steps to get him living an independent life.

You can't do it all at once, but you can begin to make requirements. First, he needs a job. Usually once young men begin to make money, they get used to it and want to keep making money. Sure, he has a little savings, but that will run out soon.

Make his living there contingent on his finding and keeping a job.

Then begin to phase back the things you pay for.

There are some experts who recommend that you have a contract with an expiration date for when the adult child either goes to college or gets his own place, i.e. MOVES OUT.


This is one very strict example:

http://seniorsfirstbc.ca/wp-content/...ng-at-Home.pdf

Remember that most guys that age will not take care of a house the way you would. But the fact that he is not taking care of himself is alarming. Getting a job will help with that, because he will have to be clean and presentable to go to work.

Give him a deadline to find a job, and then set a consequence if he doesn't.
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