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Old 04-23-2008, 09:21 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
17,218 posts, read 20,234,231 times
Reputation: 26299

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You love and respect your husband, but do you get the same in return? He, as a more mature person, should have realized that this day could come. He was perfectly content to enjoy the benefits of a relationship with a much younger women, but now that you ask this of him, he balks.
Most spouses will want to put the other's happiness before their own if possible. He may win the battle, but lose the war.
If you can have a rational discussion on the subject, suggest he get a few sessions with a psychologist to talk through his fears. It may get him to realize that another child may be his chance to purge the failures in his other children...give him a do-over.
You do have a dilema.. if you leave him there are no guarantees that you will meet another man, or ever have a baby anyway. Furthermore, there is the possibility that he is, somehow, truly defective and is correct not to have more children.

 
Old 04-23-2008, 09:31 PM
 
Location: Chicago
36,617 posts, read 57,924,947 times
Reputation: 25632
If I had adult children already and retirement to look forward to and my wife told me I needed to "see a psychologist to purge my fears" it would be all I could do to bite my tongue to not kick her the hell out of the house. Should he have known this day was coming? Maybe. That doesn't mean he owes her a child in contravention of their prior agreement or that "fear" is motivating his decision. And for Chrissake, a "do-over" is about the stupidest reason I can think of to have a child short of "they're like living teddy bears!" or some such thing.
 
Old 04-23-2008, 10:57 PM
 
5,987 posts, read 5,108,577 times
Reputation: 9301
See a psychologist? WTF for? Just because he doesn't want to be a new parent again, he needs to have his head examined? Oh brother.

Anybody ever stop to consider now that his days of parenting are behind him, he simply does not want to do it again... especially when he's so much closer to retirement now than when he had his kids?

The guy simply doesn't want to do it again. Period. There is nothing wrong with his decision.
 
Old 04-23-2008, 11:20 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,593 posts, read 22,663,256 times
Reputation: 6090
Why is what he wants more important then what you want?

When you marry, you of course make every effort to know each other but people don't write their personalities in stone on their marriage date. People evolve and change. I would think given your age at the time of marriage, he should have been aware that you may grow and change.

His past experiences while horrible and difficult for him to deal with, have nothing to do with what may or may not happen if he has a child with you.

For me personally, having a child was MORE important then keeping her Father in my life. He gave me an ultimatum, he wanted me to have an abortion or he was going to leave me, I showed him the door. I have never regretted that. My daughter is the center of my world.
 
Old 04-24-2008, 03:35 AM
 
Location: Earth
24,638 posts, read 14,913,844 times
Reputation: 11108
But another child doesn't have to be the center of his world.
This is the one issue that's a deal breaker.
Perhaps it's time to move on.

I'm with the "why should he go to therapy" group. He knows his mind and has made his decision.
I sure wouldn't want to be in a relationship with some people who deny the husband the right to his opinions/decision.

You can never change anyone but yourself.
 
Old 04-24-2008, 04:55 PM
 
10,116 posts, read 14,438,136 times
Reputation: 10257
I think it's patronizing to think that, when the older man marries the younger woman, that he should assume he's "more mature" and that she doesn't know her own mind and so forth. I mean, mid-20s isn't exactly a high school junior.
True, she changed her mind. That doesn't make him a "defective," or any such. Also, yes, his experience with his kids had a lot of heartache in it, maybe more than the average, but that doesn't mean that's why he doesn't want kids. It'd be odd if a man in his stage of life/finances/etc. DID want more kids.
For what it's worth, in my not-very-frequent dating life, I have never met a man who already had kids (of any age) who wanted more. If at all, they seemed to view having ONE new kid the price of a marriage with a fertile-aged woman. Not to say they don't love their existing kids, but they sure don't seem eager to do it again. And that's not a sign of fear, or damage or any such. They don't wanna. They just don't wanna.
When I told my doctor at age 30 that I wanted a tubal because I knew I didn't want kids and would be uncomfortable with an abortion, he asked "Are you a lesbian?" Hey, do the math- if I were, why would I need a tubal?
I know that many men don't get vasectomies because, as one said, "No one is messing around there." My former fiance, a Marine officer, had one without kids in his first marriage, and he said he heard many men express fears of sexual failure, damage, etc., as reasons why they didn't get one or feared having gotten one. If a man doesn't want kids, and doesn't get a vasectomy, he runs the risk of a good woman thinking he'll change his mind, and the risk of accidental pregnancy, or a not-so-good woman "oopsing him." Yes, it happens.
If someone doesn't wanna, they just don't wanna. If they marry and one changes his/her mind, it's a tragic flaw in their marriage.
I do think women have parenthood more at the center of their adult identities, far more so than men, at least. It's very different. I also note that women seem to focus on "baby," not the 18+ years of parenthood, and men seem more abstract, "Kids," or "family," and are often taken aback by the baby reality. I've met a lot of husbands out looking around during a first pregnancy and with young kids. I don't find them of interest, partly because they are obviously so self-unaware that they didn't see how they'd feel as parents, and of course, because they are being cheesy pigs.
 
Old 04-24-2008, 05:54 PM
 
3,415 posts, read 4,587,483 times
Reputation: 1345
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
I think it's patronizing to think that, when the older man marries the younger woman, that he should assume he's "more mature" and that she doesn't know her own mind and so forth. I mean, mid-20s isn't exactly a high school junior.
True, she changed her mind. That doesn't make him a "defective," or any such. Also, yes, his experience with his kids had a lot of heartache in it, maybe more than the average, but that doesn't mean that's why he doesn't want kids. It'd be odd if a man in his stage of life/finances/etc. DID want more kids.
For what it's worth, in my not-very-frequent dating life, I have never met a man who already had kids (of any age) who wanted more. If at all, they seemed to view having ONE new kid the price of a marriage with a fertile-aged woman. Not to say they don't love their existing kids, but they sure don't seem eager to do it again. And that's not a sign of fear, or damage or any such. They don't wanna. They just don't wanna.
When I told my doctor at age 30 that I wanted a tubal because I knew I didn't want kids and would be uncomfortable with an abortion, he asked "Are you a lesbian?" Hey, do the math- if I were, why would I need a tubal?
I know that many men don't get vasectomies because, as one said, "No one is messing around there." My former fiance, a Marine officer, had one without kids in his first marriage, and he said he heard many men express fears of sexual failure, damage, etc., as reasons why they didn't get one or feared having gotten one. If a man doesn't want kids, and doesn't get a vasectomy, he runs the risk of a good woman thinking he'll change his mind, and the risk of accidental pregnancy, or a not-so-good woman "oopsing him." Yes, it happens.
If someone doesn't wanna, they just don't wanna. If they marry and one changes his/her mind, it's a tragic flaw in their marriage.
I do think women have parenthood more at the center of their adult identities, far more so than men, at least. It's very different. I also note that women seem to focus on "baby," not the 18+ years of parenthood, and men seem more abstract, "Kids," or "family," and are often taken aback by the baby reality. I've met a lot of husbands out looking around during a first pregnancy and with young kids. I don't find them of interest, partly because they are obviously so self-unaware that they didn't see how they'd feel as parents, and of course, because they are being cheesy pigs.
I think we assume he'd be more mature because he's old enough to be her father and because he has adult kids of his own. If his own adult daughter came to him and said "Dad I'm never going to have kids cause I don't want them", he'd probably say "Well, your young now honey. You might change your mind". Any father would caution their child about decisions they might live to regret when they are older. So, it seems odd that he could not assume the same thing might happen to his young wife.
As for patronizing, parents are always patronizing with kids and people much younger than them. We know how much they don't know and how much they are due to learn. I notice my friends who don't have children will look at a 25 year old girl as a women and an equal. Those of us who are parents tend to look at that same girl as a kid, just trying out her wings and we are nervous for her lest she be hurt. I guess it's the maternal and paternal instinct.
 
Old 04-24-2008, 07:02 PM
 
8,187 posts, read 7,919,953 times
Reputation: 2837
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
I think it's patronizing to think that, when the older man marries the younger woman, that he should assume he's "more mature" and that she doesn't know her own mind and so forth. I mean, mid-20s isn't exactly a high school junior.
True, she changed her mind. That doesn't make him a "defective," or any such. Also, yes, his experience with his kids had a lot of heartache in it, maybe more than the average, but that doesn't mean that's why he doesn't want kids. It'd be odd if a man in his stage of life/finances/etc. DID want more kids.
For what it's worth, in my not-very-frequent dating life, I have never met a man who already had kids (of any age) who wanted more. If at all, they seemed to view having ONE new kid the price of a marriage with a fertile-aged woman. Not to say they don't love their existing kids, but they sure don't seem eager to do it again. And that's not a sign of fear, or damage or any such. They don't wanna. They just don't wanna.
When I told my doctor at age 30 that I wanted a tubal because I knew I didn't want kids and would be uncomfortable with an abortion, he asked "Are you a lesbian?" Hey, do the math- if I were, why would I need a tubal?
I know that many men don't get vasectomies because, as one said, "No one is messing around there." My former fiance, a Marine officer, had one without kids in his first marriage, and he said he heard many men express fears of sexual failure, damage, etc., as reasons why they didn't get one or feared having gotten one. If a man doesn't want kids, and doesn't get a vasectomy, he runs the risk of a good woman thinking he'll change his mind, and the risk of accidental pregnancy, or a not-so-good woman "oopsing him." Yes, it happens.
If someone doesn't wanna, they just don't wanna. If they marry and one changes his/her mind, it's a tragic flaw in their marriage.
I do think women have parenthood more at the center of their adult identities, far more so than men, at least. It's very different. I also note that women seem to focus on "baby," not the 18+ years of parenthood, and men seem more abstract, "Kids," or "family," and are often taken aback by the baby reality. I've met a lot of husbands out looking around during a first pregnancy and with young kids. I don't find them of interest, partly because they are obviously so self-unaware that they didn't see how they'd feel as parents, and of course, because they are being cheesy pigs.
I see what you are saying, I really do. However, I do believe that people change. It isn't belittling the poster, or demonizing her older husband to say that who we are at 25 may not be who we are at 35 or 45 or 55. Her husband had lived long enough to presumably look back at his own life and realize the chances of his young bride never changing her mind on something like children would be pretty slim.
Now obviously, you did and are sticking by your decision. It was a gamble the older husband took and lost and really, he should have seen coming.
 
Old 04-24-2008, 07:22 PM
 
3,728 posts, read 10,868,510 times
Reputation: 2069
Quote:
Originally Posted by pugluv View Post
My husband is 52 and I am 34, We have been married for 9 years, We dicussed this before we got married, and I thought I would be fine with this, But 9 years later, I have changed, grown up and Not sure if it is hormones or what, But the THought of Having baby, or never having a baby is driving me crazy.

My husband has 3 adult kids from Previous marriage, One duaghter that will not call or have anything to do with either parent, One son, that Took his Life 5 years ago, and other son he is close to , had cancer growing up(they did not know if he would even make it past 14), that was heartbreaking and he is an adult now with 2 kids, and is an alcoholic, which is very heartbreaking as well to my husband.
There is now a 5 year old Grandduaghter and a newborn Grandson, from his son (he is close to).
I understand My husband point, he has had a lot of heartbreak with his kids and Considering his age and the way this world is, Having a child is not what he wants.

Sometimes I think he is being very selfish, OR is it me being Selfish?

I have never felt So sad and so Wanting a baby, My heart just hurts, and I do not know what to do or how to accept how I feel now. I fell in love with a Man older than me that does not want to have kids. I not knowing, how it would effect my life, Sacrificed at young age, a future of a family and kids, the most Purest, precious Love and gift from God a person could have. I love and respect my husband with all my heart, and I know the Lord put us together but never knew, I would feel this way. I wish my husband could understand me and want this to, but as we talk about it, It is clear, he absotluly is against having a baby.

Any advice would be apprecaited.
you both should seek a counsling
I can see both sides. However, I have not the wisdom. You also both need to talk to each other. I do not think either of you are selfish. People change, and grow. Only the saying"the truth will set you free" talk to
a priest, etc., to talk out this problem.
 
Old 04-25-2008, 08:46 AM
 
10,116 posts, read 14,438,136 times
Reputation: 10257
Somehow I doubt a priest could be objective about not wanting children! In fact, I've heard from many people that most counseling isn't neutral either- trying to "fix" the person who doesn't want children.
If the couple went to counseling, the husband should be on the watch for pressure to change *his* mind, as opposed to simply examining the situation and options.
Oh, and what if he has a child just to keep her, and ends up a single parent through tragedy? What would he do? It could happen. And if he doesn't want to be a parent again, it could be terrible to think,"Oh, it'll be her kid" and anyway, she'd likely resent the hell out of him for not taking part or being distant.
No one can have a child for someone else. The posters who all think "Oh, he'll love the baby when it's here" are deluding themselves. The man knows his own mind.
By the way, I never "stuck to my guns." The thought of being a mother was so dreadful to me that it never occurred to me to change for anything or anyone. I realize my 110% conviction is not the standard feeling.
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