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I am 30 years old and my husband is 33 we have been married for almost 10 years and have a 6 year old son. On my husbands side there are 5 kids on my side there are 6 kids. We are both from big families. When we married we said we wanted 3 kids. We went through a rough patch and decided about 2 years ago we wanted to try to have another one (at least I did). We have been trying for about 2 years with no protection and have been unsuccessful and it is tearing me apart. I finally decided to go to the Dr. to see what is going on. All my tests came back perfect so now it is his turn to get checked out, and it is like pulling teeth to get him to go. I am having a really hard time with this because I think he just doesn't want to have another child. He has high blood pressure so he has been on a medication that is known to decrease one's sexual drive. I do not know how to deal with this and it's tearing me up inside. I want my son to have a sibling and not grow up alone.
My advice?
Be grateful for the child you do have and let your fantasy go. This is not worth ruining your marriage over.
The reality is, when one partner does not want another child it is foolhardy and selfish to force them in that direction - let it go.
Objectivity? I stated my opinion, without attacking anyone.
Some things are not going to get resolved. A child is one of them. One person loses. Why stay in a marriage woth someone who has changed all the plans, without caring about the partners feelings? All the marriage counseling in the world would not resolve this. The OP should not waste time, money, or energy in a relationship with this person. Don't call a marriage therapist, call an attorney.
Sorry if the truth is offensive.
One might want a child, but want to stay married to their partner more.
The reality is, when one partner does not want another child it is foolhardy and selfish to force them in that direction - let it go.
LOVE THAT IDEA!!! NOT! So, the partner that wants a child, should just bow meekly to the dictates of the spouse who CHANGED the plan, from "we will have kids" to, "I just want one kid". That completely changes everything...without any input from the other person. Wanting another child is not just a "whim" that will go away. It is a constant emptiness, that will always be there. And it is all because of a partner who just decided that one child is enough. End of story, okay...that is what I want, so obey me and be happy. Forget it. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where people discuss things. The problem is, that this issue can be very contentious, and there really is no middle ground. So, the spouse that wants a child can either cave and meekly obey the partner that does not want a child, or the spouse can make a stand and say you have changed all the things that we originally agreed on when we started this partnership, that is not working for me, if that is what you want, that is fine, but it does not work for me. No ultimatum, because that is manipulative. Just state your feelings, and opinions, and give them time to think about it.
LOVE THAT IDEA!!! NOT! So, the partner that wants a child, should just bow meekly to the dictates of the spouse who CHANGED the plan, from "we will have kids" to, "I just want one kid". That completely changes everything...without any input from the other person. Wanting another child is not just a "whim" that will go away. It is a constant emptiness, that will always be there. And it is all because of a partner who just decided that one child is enough. End of story, okay...that is what I want, so obey me and be happy. Forget it. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where people discuss things. The problem is, that this issue can be very contentious, and there really is no middle ground. So, the spouse that wants a child can either cave and meekly obey the partner that does not want a child, or the spouse can make a stand and say you have changed all the things that we originally agreed on when we started this partnership, that is not working for me, if that is what you want, that is fine, but it does not work for me. No ultimatum, because that is manipulative. Just state your feelings, and opinions, and give them time to think about it.
Would it be more fair for the person who doesn't want another child to have one anyway?
It is painfully obvious that you are too biased to see this objectively.
Would it be more fair for the person who doesn't want another child to have one anyway?
Absolutely not, but I suspect that is why Jasper suggested divorce. If one person wants a child and another does not the only fair thing is for them to end the relationship. Because if a relationship does not include the same goals (and I mean ones that determine your life and not simplistic ones) than it cannot survive.
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It is painfully obvious that you are too biased to see this objectively.
While I do agree to some extent that Jasper is identifying very strongly with the partner who wants the child, I do think that the underlying idea, that people need to have the same plan for their lives, is a legitimate one. If something changes drastically it is not fair to either party to expect them to drastically change what they want either. Forcing someone to become or abandon their hopes of becoming a parent are just going to result in resentment and unhappiness.
Absolutely not, but I suspect that is why Jasper suggested divorce. If one person wants a child and another does not the only fair thing is for them to end the relationship. Because if a relationship does not include the same goals (and I mean ones that determine your life and not simplistic ones) than it cannot survive.
While I do agree to some extent that Jasper is identifying very strongly with the partner who wants the child, I do think that the underlying idea, that people need to have the same plan for their lives, is a legitimate one. If something changes drastically it is not fair to either party to expect them to drastically change what they want either. Forcing someone to become or abandon their hopes of becoming a parent are just going to result in resentment and unhappiness.
What stands out to me is that the poster said A)they went through a rough patch and B) she "thinks" he doesn't want another child.
So, A) things have changed since they said they wanted 3 kids, and B) she doesn't even know for sure what he's thinking.
Obviously she should talk to him about it before just filing for divorce. Jasper is assuming it is a done deal - he doesn't want another kid. the wife doesn't even know that for sure. How could we?
ETA - they already have one child, so they are already parents. No one is at risk of not being a parent here.
How is it any different if the wife was already pregnant, and the husband says, "I have changed my mind, and only want one child, go get an abortion?"
For someone who really wants another child, it is almost that exact scenario. When you want another child, that baby is almost real. You picture that baby, and the future with that little person, in your "reality" that baby is real. And then the husband just cavalierly states he is done with kids, and one is enough. It is beyond cruel.
I don't advocate "forcing" anyone into anything, especially another child. But from my point of view, the relationship is over. Nothing matters any longer, because my partner in life, the person who is supposed to be my friend just completely crushed my future with my "baby". Killed my baby. Ruined our family. I would not be able to spend another minute with that person without feeling complete contempt, hate, and resentment. The relationship that was is gone.
How is it any different if the wife was already pregnant, and the husband says, "I have changed my mind, and only want one child, go get an abortion?"
For someone who really wants another child, it is almost that exact scenario. When you want another child, that baby is almost real. You picture that baby, and the future with that little person, in your "reality" that baby is real. And then the husband just cavalierly states he is done with kids, and one is enough. It is beyond cruel.
I don't advocate "forcing" anyone into anything, especially another child. But from my point of view, the relationship is over. Nothing matters any longer, because my partner in life, the person who is supposed to be my friend just completely crushed my future with my "baby". Killed my baby. Ruined our family. I would not be able to spend another minute with that person without feeling complete contempt, hate, and resentment. The relationship that was is gone.
No offense, but if the desire to have a baby is more important to a woman than the man she married is, the marriage is doomed anyway.
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