U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 04-15-2008, 12:46 PM
 
5 posts, read 35,708 times
Reputation: 14

Advertisements

My husband is 52 and I am 34, We have been married for 9 years, We dicussed this before we got married, and I thought I would be fine with this, But 9 years later, I have changed, grown up and Not sure if it is hormones or what, But the THought of Having baby, or never having a baby is driving me crazy.

My husband has 3 adult kids from Previous marriage, One duaghter that will not call or have anything to do with either parent, One son, that Took his Life 5 years ago, and other son he is close to , had cancer growing up(they did not know if he would even make it past 14), that was heartbreaking and he is an adult now with 2 kids, and is an alcoholic, which is very heartbreaking as well to my husband.
There is now a 5 year old Grandduaghter and a newborn Grandson, from his son (he is close to).
I understand My husband point, he has had a lot of heartbreak with his kids and Considering his age and the way this world is, Having a child is not what he wants.

Sometimes I think he is being very selfish, OR is it me being Selfish?

I have never felt So sad and so Wanting a baby, My heart just hurts, and I do not know what to do or how to accept how I feel now. I fell in love with a Man older than me that does not want to have kids. I not knowing, how it would effect my life, Sacrificed at young age, a future of a family and kids, the most Purest, precious Love and gift from God a person could have. I love and respect my husband with all my heart, and I know the Lord put us together but never knew, I would feel this way. I wish my husband could understand me and want this to, but as we talk about it, It is clear, he absotluly is against having a baby.

Any advice would be apprecaited.

Last edited by pugluv; 04-15-2008 at 01:06 PM..

 
Old 04-15-2008, 12:52 PM
 
4,891 posts, read 12,099,721 times
Reputation: 3618
i am sorry to hear this. i was married young and thought i wanted kids. my husband is 10 yrs older and wanted kids as soon as we were married. ikept putting it off for years. we were maried 9 years when we finally had a baby. now i want another so he has a sibling. maybe you just need some more patience and try to help him understand that you know his problems with his children, but that this could be his chance to have a relationship with his child that could turn out better than the others. also hlp him understand that he has had a chance to be a parent and you would like to feel that same joy...
 
Old 04-15-2008, 02:19 PM
 
1,628 posts, read 4,345,629 times
Reputation: 1145
Well I don't think either of you is being selfish--you've both been honest about what you want. In your case, it just changed.

That said, 52 is quite old to have another child, especially when he did say he didn't want more. I really am quite sure I would not want a baby at 52!

I don't think you should pressure him--he has been honest the whole time and it could drive a wedge between you. I think you need to accept that he does not want another child and not put him in a position to have one, or you need to find someone who can give you a child. It comes down to which is more important, and I'm sure that's heart wrenching, but at a certain point, the man knows what he wants. Especially by 52.
 
Old 04-15-2008, 02:30 PM
 
Location: Lake Forest, CA
268 posts, read 511,472 times
Reputation: 176
I'm so sorry. I can only imagine half of what you are feeling. I too have a boyfriend who does not want any more children. I'm not exactly in the same place as you as I already have two myself, but want more. We each have 2 children from prior marriages... So he doesn't want any more, but I do. Yes, it is heartbreaking to be in your situation. You yearn for that motherhood that a lot of women feel and you've got a husband who is dead set against it. I can't imagine how you would be feeling. I'm sorry.

So are those the reasons he had stated for not wanting children? (The many heartaches he endured with the children he has) Or do you think maybe it has to do with his age and him not wanting to "start all over"...? I think it's heartbreaking when people have children from prior marriages, get into a new relationship later in life, then have one wanting children but the other opposes. It's well... a pretty messed up situation all around. As I'm sure you know it's very common for one person to want children, and one not. You knew that as you stated in your post that you didn't want any in the beginning of your relationship then changed your mind... Unfortunately (and this happened to you) sometimes people change their mind, and it's usually years into a relationship too late.

I'm not saying leave him or anything... But if you stayed, do you think you could be happy without children of your own? (Aside from the step children I mean) I'm just asking because I think you already know that if this feeling never goes away, and he never changes his mind, that you will just be unhappy. You'll resent him for not giving you children, and he'll resent you for "bugging" him to have children. It's just not a healthy situation all around. And if he does happen to "cave in" and have a child with you, (this may or may not happen) but he might resent that and be one of those people that act as if he only had a child to please you. That can't be good any way you look at it...

No, I don't think your selfish! I really don't think he is either. I think he's just at a stage in his life where he feels he's had his share of "child rearing"... (the diaper changes, tantrums, teen years...) It's just unfortunate you guys differ in your stages in life. (I too am quite a bit younger than my bf... I'm 26, he's 39... I guess he thinks he's too old to start again)

Anyway, I'm sorry for your situation. I'm sorry I couldn't offer any real advice... just my sympathy.
 
Old 04-15-2008, 03:37 PM
 
Location: NoVa
1,192 posts, read 1,580,135 times
Reputation: 1245
I totally understand your feeling and your desire to have kids. But it is utterly selfish to force something on another just because you wish it. You have agreed to not have children when you married him, so you certainly can't accuse him of being selfish when it's you who tried to re-neg on this agreement while he's simply keeping his words. At 52, most men will start looking forward to retirement and not worry about childcare, or deal with a teenager in his old age, or worry about a child's tuition, and all the responsibilities that come with caring a child. I know I won't have it at 52. Even if he relents and agrees to have a child out of love for you, how can you be sure that your husband won't resent this child for the rest of his life? Is that the kind of life you want to bring your child into? If you insist on having a child, you may have to part ways with him and find another man who has similar wishes and goals with you.
 
Old 04-15-2008, 04:27 PM
 
Location: Oxygen Ln. AZ
8,626 posts, read 10,896,817 times
Reputation: 4780
I asked my 55 year old husband what he would do if he found himself raising another baby. He still has not answered me, just gives me this cold stare. I feel strongly that you should try to stick to your agreement. He probably would like a little peace of mind soon. Best of luck
 
Old 04-15-2008, 05:43 PM
 
583 posts, read 818,799 times
Reputation: 315
You are in a very difficult situation, you are also at that very difficult age for women when your biological clock is ticking and you have to really make up your mind. It's a very powerful force, physiologically and emotionally and you are going to have a hard time overcoming this. This won't be easy for both of you, but you may have to realize that this marriage may not work for you any longer. To have kids or not to have kids is a MAJOR problem people can disagree about in a marriage and often it can end the marriage.

Sorry to be harsh, but you've got some serious thinking to do. Granted, your husband will not want to have kids what are you going to feel if forever denied the opportunity to have a child of your own?

Think about what options you have in the future:
1) live with your husband and give up on the thought of having your own kids, potentially becoming more and more unhappy, maybe depressed, which may ruin your marriage anyway at the end. If your marriage is ruined and you find someone else you may also find it impossible to conceive depending on how old you will be at that point.
2) end the marriage now while you are still young to have kids and find someone who will be on the same page with you when it concerns family life.

Marriage is important, nobody will deny this. But it seems to me that you both made a mistake and didn't think clearly about your family future together. You have both agreed at first to not have kids but now as you got older the things have changed for you and you deserve the right to have your own kids, there is no reason why you have to sacrifice this fundamental right just because you made a mistake saying you didn't want kids when you were in your 20s. You are not alone. Many women don't want anything to do with kids in their 20s and come their mid 30s they completely change. Your husband being so old and wise should have known that, it's his mistake too, don't just blame yourself.
 
Old 04-15-2008, 06:21 PM
 
583 posts, read 818,799 times
Reputation: 315
Quote:
Originally Posted by pugluv View Post

Sometimes I think he is being very selfish, OR is it me being Selfish?

Scientifically speaking (leaving all emotions behind) we are acting out of selfish interests when deciding to reproduce. This is 'programmed' in our genes. Your husband had a chance to leave his genetic material in this world (he has kids already and the grandkids!). Whether he is happy with them or not fundamentally he has redeemed his right to reproduce. You have not. You are now feeling what most women at this age feel. It's normal. You are asked to give up the most fundamental right of every specie - to reproduce. IMO, it's too much to give up. On the other hand, what does your husband have to give up to raise a child? People say a lot, of course it is, but still it's not comparable.

There were people subjected to forced sterilization during the wars (a part of ethnic cleansing), we all look upon this as one of the most appalling things against humanity - a crime (to deny someone a right to have a child).
 
Old 04-15-2008, 06:32 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 17,016,507 times
Reputation: 7254
Oh, this is a sticky one.

Neither of you is selfish but having children has to be something you both want and you will have to come to some sort of common ground.

Have you talked to a counselor together? This might be something to think about.

BTW, I never thought I wanted to get married, have children, you know, the "dream". Now I have 6 children, 2 dogs, 1 cat, 4 hamsters and an amazing husband.

Sometimes people think they have it all figured out and then are pleasantly surprised when things are not as planned.
 
Old 04-15-2008, 06:39 PM
 
7,675 posts, read 9,555,042 times
Reputation: 7063
It is just sad....I went through the same change. Luckily my husband was agreeable; and we had children. That said, you can't force it on your husband. Neither of you are being selfish, it is just a choice.

When I had my first baby, he cried a lot. I felt so guilty causing this crazed stranger in our marriage who cried. I wouldn't let my husband help, because I felt it was my burden to bare. My husband was wonderful, figured this out, and made me 'let go' of the guilt.

Bringing children into a marriage chages it, completely. You have to think about what you want more; a baby or your husband.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $84,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top