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First, sorry for the long story but I’m second guessing myself with how I handled an issue with my 16 year old daughter.
She unfortunately inherited one of my less desirable genes, in that she was a bed wetter until 13. From when she was 6, we tried the moisture alarm, medications, drinking less, going before bed, scheduling etc. None of it worked and by about 8, we had decided she would continue to wear protection to bed. She wore youth size diapers to manage up until her first year in high school, three years ago, when it abruptly stopped. She’s been okay since.
A few months ago, I went to her room in the morning to wake her up as she had been out with her friends late the night before and I didn’t hear her come home. I always knock of course, just in case, but she didn’t respond so I entered. She was there sleeping, and decent thankfully, but her covers were off to the side. Her panties looked pretty different, and my heart sank a little bit as I got closer and realized she was wearing a diaper, and it was visible that she hadn’t made it through the night.
I felt terrible for her, being 16 and still having these issues and what’s worse is she didn’t tell me. I didn’t know how she got the diapers, and she obviously was using her own money and worrying about hiding them from me or her siblings. I gave it the day and approached her about it that night. She was very embarrassed, but it really was nothing new so I reassured her and told her it was fine. If that’s what she needed we will deal with it, and I’d get her what she needed and we’d figure it out. A week went by and I made an appointment with our family doctor. When I told her that, I wasn’t ready for her response.
She began crying and told me there was nothing wrong with her, and that she had lied to me. She told me she stopped wetting her bed before her 12th birthday, but was scared I would stop getting her diapers when I found out, so she would pee in them in the morning after she woke up instead of going in the toilet. She was of course changing herself at the time, so I was none the wiser, only taking out the garbage. She kept that up for over a year until she stopped because she said she was afraid her new friend group would find out.
I asked her what it all meant now. Why she wore them, if she always used them. She was beet red and didn’t really have an answer, so I laid off the pressure. She just kept saying she doesn’t know, and she just wanted to wear them. She said she felt stupid and she was sorry. She’s a darling, and I support her as much as I can, so I just told her it was perfectly fine, I thanked her for being honest with me, cancelled the doctors apt, and told her that I would help in whatever way she wanted. She knows I’m not judgmental and will support her, and that she can approach me with anything. She finally opened up to me a bit, and told me she just liked the way they felt.
We came to a deal. She keeps a small supply in one of her drawers, just like underwear. When it gets low, I get her a pack and top it up. She uses her allowance to pay for them, and she gets rid of them herself. The problem is, sure enough, one of her friends did find out. Luckily, they’ve been friends since elementary school and I don’t think there will be any issue. However, I feel like something might happen in the future which could affect her socially, and I blame myself for allowing it.
I don’t get it. She’s very fit and plays competitive soccer, she’s attractive, has lots of friends, is social, gets good grades, all that. Am I being too nice? Should I step in and stop it? I feel if I do, I will just lose her trust and she will find a way to do it anyways.
Sorry for the long story, and thank you for any help.
First, sorry for the long story but I’m second guessing myself with how I handled an issue with my 16 year old daughter.
She unfortunately inherited one of my less desirable genes, in that she was a bed wetter until 13. From when she was 6, we tried the moisture alarm, medications, drinking less, going before bed, scheduling etc. None of it worked and by about 8, we had decided she would continue to wear protection to bed. She wore youth size diapers to manage up until her first year in high school, three years ago, when it abruptly stopped. She’s been okay since.
A few months ago, I went to her room in the morning to wake her up as she had been out with her friends late the night before and I didn’t hear her come home. I always knock of course, just in case, but she didn’t respond so I entered. She was there sleeping, and decent thankfully, but her covers were off to the side. Her panties looked pretty different, and my heart sank a little bit as I got closer and realized she was wearing a diaper, and it was visible that she hadn’t made it through the night.
I felt terrible for her, being 16 and still having these issues and what’s worse is she didn’t tell me. I didn’t know how she got the diapers, and she obviously was using her own money and worrying about hiding them from me or her siblings. I gave it the day and approached her about it that night. She was very embarrassed, but it really was nothing new so I reassured her and told her it was fine. If that’s what she needed we will deal with it, and I’d get her what she needed and we’d figure it out. A week went by and I made an appointment with our family doctor. When I told her that, I wasn’t ready for her response.
She began crying and told me there was nothing wrong with her, and that she had lied to me. She told me she stopped wetting her bed before her 12th birthday, but was scared I would stop getting her diapers when I found out, so she would pee in them in the morning after she woke up instead of going in the toilet. She was of course changing herself at the time, so I was none the wiser, only taking out the garbage. She kept that up for over a year until she stopped because she said she was afraid her new friend group would find out.
I asked her what it all meant now. Why she wore them, if she always used them. She was beet red and didn’t really have an answer, so I laid off the pressure. She just kept saying she doesn’t know, and she just wanted to wear them. She said she felt stupid and she was sorry. She’s a darling, and I support her as much as I can, so I just told her it was perfectly fine, I thanked her for being honest with me, cancelled the doctors apt, and told her that I would help in whatever way she wanted. She knows I’m not judgmental and will support her, and that she can approach me with anything. She finally opened up to me a bit, and told me she just liked the way they felt.
We came to a deal. She keeps a small supply in one of her drawers, just like underwear. When it gets low, I get her a pack and top it up. She uses her allowance to pay for them, and she gets rid of them herself. The problem is, sure enough, one of her friends did find out. Luckily, they’ve been friends since elementary school and I don’t think there will be any issue. However, I feel like something might happen in the future which could affect her socially, and I blame myself for allowing it.
I don’t get it. She’s very fit and plays competitive soccer, she’s attractive, has lots of friends, is social, gets good grades, all that. Am I being too nice? Should I step in and stop it? I feel if I do, I will just lose her trust and she will find a way to do it anyways.
Sorry for the long story, and thank you for any help.
Kayla.
Are you saying she is just relying on them like a child uses a pacifier when they're no longer an infant, or are you suggesting something else?
Im not even sure how to answer this as there are a couple different answers. It may be a comfort thing for her, but if it is i personally found it a little odd that she would wet them. But it might just be her security blanket kind of. Coping mechanism.
That being said, and im not saying this is what it is or that its perverse or anything, there is a whole subculture of people who like to wear diapers for either a comfort or a sexual gratification. It becomes a part of their regular life, they interact with other people who are they way they are and even date people who understand this need. It doesnt have to be a bad thing if it helps her function.
However, if she were my child, i would try and encourage her to attend therapy to discuss this need with a professional. You can be involved or not, depending on her desires but she may need to talk to someone. It may be "normal" for her to do this. Or it may be that she insecure about something and needs to talk to someone about building her own confidence in herself or work through this issue. Ultimately she has to decide how to deal with this as she is almost an adult. the best thing you can do is support her and her mental health, whichever way that goes.
I really don't have much advice. If it were me, I would consider therapy to understand. I say consider because that is rife with issues to. But I do want to say one thing.
Good On You for not losing your cool, flipping out, being blamey. Good On You.
16 is almost an adult. I think at this point she needs to think about what direction she would like to take this. I doubt someone pressuring her will make her stop doing this and it could possibly hurt the relationship you have with her now. As the behavior is not hurting anyone else, I don't see this as a major issue.
She might grow out of this or she may not, but I would think when she looks back in 10-15 years from now, she saw you as someone who was supportive and loving, and didn't make her feel weird or embarrassed about it.
At this point my guess is that this will continue until she is on her own. Her own embarrassment when she gets a roommate in college might pressure her to quit or she might realize that what she is doing is out of the norm and seek outside help. At 16, I think your time of pressuring her to quit has passed and, if anything, she might become more determined to continue with the diapers.
I wouldn't feed the obsession, kudos to you for making her use her allowance, but I wouldn't fight it. Just make it a nonissue, realize it's not hurting anyone, and enjoy the remaining time you have left with your daughter before she's an adult and on her own.
All this is my personal opinion, I'm sure there are others who might disagree.
This is a tough one. I agree with the previous poster that said you sound like a great mom.
I don't want to be that person who just suggests therapy, but honestly, I think that makes sense here. There is some sort of comfort that she is getting from this behavior, and, I don't know, maybe a professional would say that it's perfectly fine! And you know what? You can go to a therapist even if there's nothing "wrong." It's a chance to talk about yourself, vent to someone who won't judge, etc. I think that maybe if you frame it in that way, she might be more open to the idea.
Perhaps she just got used to wearing them as a sleeping aid similar to a security blanket. I used a security blanket as did my daughter for many years but before school aged. Neither of us could sleep without it. There weren't any psychological issues it was a tactile feeling that relaxed us. After thirteen years, I could understand how it could be an ingrained habit.
I think you approached it fine but you might suggest that she will be going to college soon and does she want to try to wean away from using diapers. Maybe some other kinds of soft underwear would be helpful for her to try or a blanket as a substitute.
Having said that I don't know if once she got to college, anyone would think anything of it. College students are generally accepting of each other.
Suggesting a therapist could give the wrong message. You might go to one and ask whether there is any thing to be concerned about but your daughter seems to functioning well in all other aspects of her life.
Last edited by Maddie104; 08-08-2019 at 01:24 PM..
First, sorry for the long story but I’m second guessing myself with how I handled an issue with my 16 year old daughter.
She unfortunately inherited one of my less desirable genes, in that she was a bed wetter until 13. From when she was 6, we tried the moisture alarm, medications, drinking less, going before bed, scheduling etc. None of it worked and by about 8, we had decided she would continue to wear protection to bed. She wore youth size diapers to manage up until her first year in high school, three years ago, when it abruptly stopped. She’s been okay since.
A few months ago, I went to her room in the morning to wake her up as she had been out with her friends late the night before and I didn’t hear her come home. I always knock of course, just in case, but she didn’t respond so I entered. She was there sleeping, and decent thankfully, but her covers were off to the side. Her panties looked pretty different, and my heart sank a little bit as I got closer and realized she was wearing a diaper, and it was visible that she hadn’t made it through the night.
I felt terrible for her, being 16 and still having these issues and what’s worse is she didn’t tell me. I didn’t know how she got the diapers, and she obviously was using her own money and worrying about hiding them from me or her siblings. I gave it the day and approached her about it that night. She was very embarrassed, but it really was nothing new so I reassured her and told her it was fine. If that’s what she needed we will deal with it, and I’d get her what she needed and we’d figure it out. A week went by and I made an appointment with our family doctor. When I told her that, I wasn’t ready for her response.
She began crying and told me there was nothing wrong with her, and that she had lied to me. She told me she stopped wetting her bed before her 12th birthday, but was scared I would stop getting her diapers when I found out, so she would pee in them in the morning after she woke up instead of going in the toilet. She was of course changing herself at the time, so I was none the wiser, only taking out the garbage. She kept that up for over a year until she stopped because she said she was afraid her new friend group would find out.
I asked her what it all meant now. Why she wore them, if she always used them. She was beet red and didn’t really have an answer, so I laid off the pressure. She just kept saying she doesn’t know, and she just wanted to wear them. She said she felt stupid and she was sorry. She’s a darling, and I support her as much as I can, so I just told her it was perfectly fine, I thanked her for being honest with me, cancelled the doctors apt, and told her that I would help in whatever way she wanted. She knows I’m not judgmental and will support her, and that she can approach me with anything. She finally opened up to me a bit, and told me she just liked the way they felt.
We came to a deal. She keeps a small supply in one of her drawers, just like underwear. When it gets low, I get her a pack and top it up. She uses her allowance to pay for them, and she gets rid of them herself. The problem is, sure enough, one of her friends did find out. Luckily, they’ve been friends since elementary school and I don’t think there will be any issue. However, I feel like something might happen in the future which could affect her socially, and I blame myself for allowing it.
I don’t get it. She’s very fit and plays competitive soccer, she’s attractive, has lots of friends, is social, gets good grades, all that. Am I being too nice? Should I step in and stop it? I feel if I do, I will just lose her trust and she will find a way to do it anyways.
Sorry for the long story, and thank you for any help.
Kayla.
Your sweet baby girl! I can understand how this would be concerning for you.
You did the right thing. I think that in the whole scheme of things that a 16 year old *could* be doing wrong, this is not that bad. It must be a coping mechanism and not a necessity (physically) because with competitive soccer, you will be on the road with your team and coaches, so I am sure she doesn't use them then. She didn't even want YOU to know about it.
Now that it is out, and she was appropriately embarrassed by it, she knows it's an issue. She will figure out how to resolve this herself.
And you'll be there if she needs help with that.
The hardest part will be you worrying, and able to not bring it up again unless she does.
Thoughts with you!
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