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Old Yesterday, 09:59 AM
 
Location: DFW
766 posts, read 210,785 times
Reputation: 1236

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My daughter started playing volleyball in 5th grade. I did not know much about the sport, and ended up falling in love with it. My daughter was very good, and made the highest team in 7th, 8th, and 9th grade. We started club ball to improve her skills and get her noticed by colleges, etc- you know the drill.

It was the best few years of my life- especially the year where she played for her high school team and for club. We are huge UT Volleyball fans and so we went to games together all the time too.

Suddenly, with hardly any warning signs at all, she quit volleyball. Said she "had no more passion for it and also did not want to play in college anyway so there was no point."

At first, we thought she was having burn out and would go back. Then we thought she might become interested in beach/sand instead (she still might actually)

Then we started asking her about bullying or depression or anything outside of the actual sport we should be concerned about. None of that seemed to be present. It seemed that exactly what she said was the truth.

When volleyball season came around last year, she would block her eyes from the TV if I was watching (I still love the sport)- like she really hated it all of a sudden!

This year, she barely began to come around a tiny bit- talking about beach vb, talking about her old team mates, and she even attended the first high school game this year. At this point- her being more open and all- we said maybe she could play in a rec league for fun at least, but alas, nope.

It has been well over a year since she touched the ball. You'd think I would have gotten over it by now, but truthfully I haven't. I still meditate, pray, cry, dream, and cannot get over the heartbreak of her not playing. I understand the psychology of it is MY issue, without a doubt! No need to tell me that- this is the parenting forum!

Who has had something like this happen, and what did you do? Were there things that made you retrospectively think you contributed to it? Did you ever figure out why your kid quit? Was there anything you did to spark the interest again?
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Old Yesterday, 10:12 AM
 
10,752 posts, read 4,347,255 times
Reputation: 27155
Marsha, this is kind of a classic case of "living through your children".

I do know parents like this, whose children are very successful at a sport, they get addicted to the "highs" of watching their children succeed.

It sounds like she's still in high school, and will go off to college in a few years - I would suggest you develop hobbies of your own. EVEN, maybe an adult volleyball league that you, not your daughter, plays in?

Best wishes.
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Old Yesterday, 10:22 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,975 posts, read 42,565,198 times
Reputation: 84993
I had two out of three sons quit in high school, and one's situation was very similar to your daughter's. He had been playing football since 3rd grade and just didn't want to do it anymore.

At any rate, it completely opened up his calendar and his mind, and he found so many other things that he enjoyed. I had to sit back and let him choose his own path. It was scary, and it did affect my life, but I had to trust that he understood his own motivations better than I did.

I have to admit that I never came close to this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post

I still meditate, pray, cry, dream, and cannot get over the heartbreak of her not playing.
Ö and frankly I find it truly concerning.

I know you don't want to hear it, but you should do some research on enmeshment.
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Old Yesterday, 10:42 AM
 
251 posts, read 89,053 times
Reputation: 679
Parents can’t live through their children. What happens when they leave home? We raise them to be independent, able to make good life choices. That’s what your daughter did.

Our younger son was a really good baseball player—all-star little league, high school varsity starter, etc. His own son tried baseball and didn’t like it, his daughter didn’t like softball. He was so disappointed. However he’s enthusiastically supporting their swim team, son’s golf and daughter’s volleyball. He’ll be in their corner as long as they want to play. But he has his own life.

I fell in love with baseball after going to about 500 of our boys’ games. I knew the time would come when they were done with it. Accept where your daughter is now.
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Old Yesterday, 10:44 AM
 
Location: Atlanta
5,748 posts, read 4,282,547 times
Reputation: 4733
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
My daughter started playing volleyball in 5th grade. I did not know much about the sport, and ended up falling in love with it. My daughter was very good, and made the highest team in 7th, 8th, and 9th grade. We started club ball to improve her skills and get her noticed by colleges, etc- you know the drill.

It was the best few years of my life- especially the year where she played for her high school team and for club. We are huge UT Volleyball fans and so we went to games together all the time too.

Suddenly, with hardly any warning signs at all, she quit volleyball. Said she "had no more passion for it and also did not want to play in college anyway so there was no point."

At first, we thought she was having burn out and would go back. Then we thought she might become interested in beach/sand instead (she still might actually)

Then we started asking her about bullying or depression or anything outside of the actual sport we should be concerned about. None of that seemed to be present. It seemed that exactly what she said was the truth.

When volleyball season came around last year, she would block her eyes from the TV if I was watching (I still love the sport)- like she really hated it all of a sudden!

This year, she barely began to come around a tiny bit- talking about beach vb, talking about her old team mates, and she even attended the first high school game this year. At this point- her being more open and all- we said maybe she could play in a rec league for fun at least, but alas, nope.

It has been well over a year since she touched the ball. You'd think I would have gotten over it by now, but truthfully I haven't. I still meditate, pray, cry, dream, and cannot get over the heartbreak of her not playing. I understand the psychology of it is MY issue, without a doubt! No need to tell me that- this is the parenting forum!

Who has had something like this happen, and what did you do? Were there things that made you retrospectively think you contributed to it? Did you ever figure out why your kid quit? Was there anything you did to spark the interest again?

Maybe You should start playing Volleyball and let your daughter do her own thing..
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Old Yesterday, 11:18 AM
 
Location: DFW
766 posts, read 210,785 times
Reputation: 1236
Quote:
Originally Posted by CLfan1977 View Post
Parents canít live through their children. What happens when they leave home? We raise them to be independent, able to make good life choices. Thatís what your daughter did.

Our younger son was a really good baseball playeróall-star little league, high school varsity starter, etc. His own son tried baseball and didnít like it, his daughter didnít like softball. He was so disappointed. However heís enthusiastically supporting their swim team, sonís golf and daughterís volleyball. Heíll be in their corner as long as they want to play. But he has his own life.

I fell in love with baseball after going to about 500 of our boysí games. I knew the time would come when they were done with it. Accept where your daughter is now.
I admittedly did not think about the "living without them" part back when I first saw the little plus sign on the pregnancy test. It is much harder for me than for my friends while we all let go. Nonetheless, I put this in parenting because had I put it in psychology for my own crazy, I already know what everyone would say. I am very aware of my own crazy

I edited my post several times to make it not so long. One part that got edited is that she is now doing nothing. Well, I mean, she works, and she loves the gym and goes everyday. Also her grades are good. Logically, I realize I have nothing to worry about.

But my mom heart does not know of "logic". She is in a school of 3000 people, just bouncing around without much of a "group". Friends are nice, but let's be honest, it is better at that age to feel like you "really belong" somewhere.

Dad and I have told her that she can do whatever she wants! We don't care if it is volleyball (well, I might, but I am a good pretender- LOL). But she has taken no major interest in anything else. She did try out for one of the dance teams (didn't make it), and is now in theatre class, so fingers crossed that one sticks!

She is an absolutely precious person and daughter. I really have no complaints, except that I was one who was "so done" with high school by my junior year, went into the work program like she is, and have lived to regret it.

The volleyball-specific psychosis is about ME, but the having no interest in anything else is about HER.
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Old Yesterday, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,975 posts, read 42,565,198 times
Reputation: 84993
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post

...so fingers crossed that one sticks!

...

The volleyball-specific psychosis is about ME, but the having no interest in anything else is about HER.
It does sound like it's still about you, though, and your anxiety being relieved by her belonging to a group. But trust me, being on a team of any kind isn't protection against everything.

We all want the best for our kids, but in the end we HAVE to trust that they will figure it out. Some kids merely float through high school and hit their stride in college. As you noted, she is keeping up her grades and she's still trying stuff. Those are still positives.

Being busy is meaningless. Really really TRY to back off and let her find her own way.
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Old Yesterday, 03:25 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,341 posts, read 17,654,337 times
Reputation: 42433
Quote:
Originally Posted by mco65 View Post
Maybe You should start playing Volleyball and let your daughter do her own thing..
That may not be a bad idea. I knew a mom whose daughter was active in beauty pageants as a tween and a young teen. It got to be a social activity for the whole family and quite a bonding experience between mom and daughter. But, daughter decided to stop pageants at about age 15. Mom was disappointed but accepted that.

A few years later, Mom started doing adult beauty pageants (the ones that focused on "inner beauty"/public speaking/interview skills/community service more than being a size zero or two or four in expensive clothes). Guess what? In her early 50s to her early 60s, Mom entered one or two low cost adult beauty pageant a year and met wonderful women, made good friends and had great fun. She ever won a number of titles and beautiful crowns. It was a great activity for an empty nester.
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Old Yesterday, 03:53 PM
 
Location: DFW
766 posts, read 210,785 times
Reputation: 1236
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
That may not be a bad idea. I knew a mom whose daughter was active in beauty pageants as a tween and a young teen. It got to be a social activity for the whole family and quite a bonding experience between mom and daughter. But, daughter decided to stop pageants at about age 15. Mom was disappointed but accepted that.

A few years later, Mom started doing adult beauty pageants (the ones that focused on "inner beauty"/public speaking/interview skills/community service more than being a size zero or two or four in expensive clothes). Guess what? In her early 50s to her early 60s, Mom entered one or two low cost adult beauty pageant a year and met wonderful women, made good friends and had great fun. She ever won a number of titles and beautiful crowns. It was a great activity for an empty nester.
Great story!
And yes, I thought of coaching and/or playing. I work two jobs and not sure quite how to fit it in! I found one league that plays on Friday nights- my one night off- but it is over an hour from my day job, so I'd never make it in time
(If you've never been to DFW it is huge!)
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Old Yesterday, 07:06 PM
Status: "Life is good." (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: Colorado
80 posts, read 18,196 times
Reputation: 406
My one rule was that my girls could not quit in the middle of a season if it was a team sport. You don't abandon your team mates in the middle of the season. However, If they wanted to quit at the end of the season, that was fine. They go on and find other interests.
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