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Old 09-02-2019, 06:47 AM
 
1 posts, read 374 times
Reputation: 10

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Several months ago, our son was sexually assaulted at a party. Raped, actually. Male peers used their fists. He was 16 at the time, 17 now. His father and I would never have known if it hadn't been for his sister telling us. At the time, he didn't know that she knew. When we finally attempted to talk with him about, he said that it was not something he wanted to talk with his parents about. He definitely did not want to file charges. Eventually, we were able to talk him into counseling with a one-on-one therapist. He was seeing her every couple weeks for a few months. She finally released him because he started missing appointments and no longer wanted to go. He said it was unnecessary and felt silly. Honestly, our son didn't seem too bothered by the whole thing. We are concerned by the fact that he had been drinking at the party, something we recognized as a factor in the assault. However, other than that, he seemed his usual self. It's horrible to imagine, but I've wondered if it wasn't like a rites of passage type thing, or something?? He is not gay, but he told his sister that he felt like he was so "hot" that people can't help themselves... Idk...

So, Thursday night, he went out "road-tripping" (drinking and driving with some friends and girls) and we caught him when he came home. We told him he was grounded and were taking away his truck. Things got heated. He was upset, pointing out his good grades and success in other areas. We told him we didn't care, and it wasn't negotiable. That is when he threatened to kill himself. Our discussion ended at that point and we all went to bed. Friday morning, I took him to school. When I picked him up, he said he'd rather be dead. He didn't say it, but I assumed he meant than to have his mother picking him up from school and being grounded.

His father didn't seem too concerned about it, but I stayed up all Friday night researching suicidal ideation and threats, depression, risk factors, and possible actions to take. Saturday morning, I told my husband I wanted to have our son evaluated. He finally agreed. We told our son that his sister had been in an accident and that we needed to go to the emergency room. We told registration the real reason we were there, and shortly thereafter a nurse and two security guards took our son back.

I went back to his room to help with information. He was upset. The staff had to "assist" with the removal of his clothes and possessions. Then, later, a nurse came for a urine sample. He didn't have to go right then, so she brought him a cup of water. Five minutes later, she came back, he still couldn't go. 10 minutes after that, he still couldn't. At that point, they did a catheter on him. Staff had to assist with that also.

Once the doctor evaluated him, he told his father and I that he didn't have any issues with sending him back home with the recommendation of outpatient therapy, unless his father or I didn't feel that he would be safe. Then, he would recommend inpatient hospitalization. It was our call. I remembered the threats and how he blew off counseling before. I just wanted something done about it all. I wanted to feel like we had taken action, and not just kicked the can further down the road, so to speak. I expressed my concerns to my husband, and eventually he agreed with me. We said we did not feel he would be safe at home. It was that simple.

One thing I did not realize is that there is a wait for beds at all of the adolescent facilities. Until there is an opening, he has to stay at the hospital emergency room. It could be days, or weeks even. They moved him back to a locked part of the emergency room, and into a room that is bare except for a mattress. That is where he's been since Saturday. A nurse checks on him every 15 minutes, food is brought to him, he's escorted to the bathroom whenever he has to go, he has a paper gown and that's all. No underwear or socks, no phone or any other personal items. I can go and stay with him. He said it feels like prison, and that we are punishing him for his behavior.

Once he gets to the facility, from my understanding, his stay there will be anywhere from 5 to 10 days. Also, transfer to a more long-term residential treatment is an option if they, or we, feel that would be of benefit at the end of his inpatient hospitalization. I just don't know if we did the right thing?

Last edited by Chrissy1975; 09-02-2019 at 06:58 AM..

 
Old 09-02-2019, 08:09 AM
 
13,229 posts, read 20,997,023 times
Reputation: 35772
I don't think any of us can answer that question. Hindsight is 20/20, but hindsight when it involves suicide threats is often too late.

Just based on your post, I certainly understand your son feeling like he is being punished, that hospital room sounds like a jail cell. He is paying a very high price for your peace of mind that he is currently safe. Is he even seeing a therapist at the hospital? Days or weeks of confinement won't make him more willing to live.

Also, I would override his decision not to press charges on the rape case.
 
Old 09-02-2019, 09:24 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,221 posts, read 42,757,083 times
Reputation: 85531
Sexual assault isn't a "rite of passage" for anyone. Settling for that mindset was your first mistake.

What he went through in the hospital probably felt like another rape.

It may be too late, now that he is in the system, but I would look for a teen crisis center/sex assault counseling center in your area that can counsel you as a family on navigating this situation and taking steps to help him recover.
 
Old 09-02-2019, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Bay View, Milwaukee
2,235 posts, read 4,243,487 times
Reputation: 2883
Yeah, this is a very high-level and delicate situation with a lot of possible outcomes. Seek the advice and guidance of a professional social worker or other counselor in your area. And please do it soon.
 
Old 09-02-2019, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
22,528 posts, read 14,793,685 times
Reputation: 32106
Well, the treatment of your son is barbaric, and you need to be hassling those with power to get him better treatment. This is the kind of treatment suicidal prison inmates receive! There is no excuse for this!

Call people, be an advocate. Do not let up. How your son is being housed would cause someone to become suicidal! Yes he needs treatment. Perhaps you could get him released and you could find a private place for him to be treated.

I think you had no idea that he would be treated this way. So, yes I think you had his best interests at heart. But, now that you know what you know, you need to act.

You might call a local TV station and tell them your story. THAT would probably get the attention of the powers that be.
 
Old 09-02-2019, 03:36 PM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,827 posts, read 9,192,799 times
Reputation: 11334
Moderator cut: delete
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrissy1975 View Post
Several months ago, our son was sexually assaulted at a party. Raped, actually. Male peers used their fists. He was 16 at the time, 17 now. His father and I would never have known if it hadn't been for his sister telling us. At the time, he didn't know that she knew. When we finally attempted to talk with him about, he said that it was not something he wanted to talk with his parents about. He definitely did not want to file charges. Eventually, we were able to talk him into counseling with a one-on-one therapist. He was seeing her every couple weeks for a few months. She finally released him because he started missing appointments and no longer wanted to go. He said it was unnecessary and felt silly. Honestly, our son didn't seem too bothered by the whole thing. We are concerned by the fact that he had been drinking at the party, something we recognized as a factor in the assault. However, other than that, he seemed his usual self. It's horrible to imagine, but I've wondered if it wasn't like a rites of passage type thing, or something?? He is not gay, but he told his sister that he felt like he was so "hot" that people can't help themselves... Idk...

So, Thursday night, he went out "road-tripping" (drinking and driving with some friends and girls) and we caught him when he came home. We told him he was grounded and were taking away his truck. Things got heated. He was upset, pointing out his good grades and success in other areas. We told him we didn't care, and it wasn't negotiable. That is when he threatened to kill himself. Our discussion ended at that point and we all went to bed. Friday morning, I took him to school. When I picked him up, he said he'd rather be dead. He didn't say it, but I assumed he meant than to have his mother picking him up from school and being grounded.

His father didn't seem too concerned about it, but I stayed up all Friday night researching suicidal ideation and threats, depression, risk factors, and possible actions to take. Saturday morning, I told my husband I wanted to have our son evaluated. He finally agreed. We told our son that his sister had been in an accident and that we needed to go to the emergency room. We told registration the real reason we were there, and shortly thereafter a nurse and two security guards took our son back.

I went back to his room to help with information. He was upset. The staff had to "assist" with the removal of his clothes and possessions. Then, later, a nurse came for a urine sample. He didn't have to go right then, so she brought him a cup of water. Five minutes later, she came back, he still couldn't go. 10 minutes after that, he still couldn't. At that point, they did a catheter on him. Staff had to assist with that also.

Once the doctor evaluated him, he told his father and I that he didn't have any issues with sending him back home with the recommendation of outpatient therapy, unless his father or I didn't feel that he would be safe. Then, he would recommend inpatient hospitalization. It was our call. I remembered the threats and how he blew off counseling before. I just wanted something done about it all. I wanted to feel like we had taken action, and not just kicked the can further down the road, so to speak. I expressed my concerns to my husband, and eventually he agreed with me. We said we did not feel he would be safe at home. It was that simple.

One thing I did not realize is that there is a wait for beds at all of the adolescent facilities. Until there is an opening, he has to stay at the hospital emergency room. It could be days, or weeks even. They moved him back to a locked part of the emergency room, and into a room that is bare except for a mattress. That is where he's been since Saturday. A nurse checks on him every 15 minutes, food is brought to him, he's escorted to the bathroom whenever he has to go, he has a paper gown and that's all. No underwear or socks, no phone or any other personal items. I can go and stay with him. He said it feels like prison, and that we are punishing him for his behavior.

Once he gets to the facility, from my understanding, his stay there will be anywhere from 5 to 10 days. Also, transfer to a more long-term residential treatment is an option if they, or we, feel that would be of benefit at the end of his inpatient hospitalization. I just don't know if we did the right thing?
I think you've done what you can and may very well have saved his life. Sorry you're going through all this.

Last edited by Miss Blue; Today at 06:09 AM.. Reason: off topic and rude response to quoted post
 
Old 09-02-2019, 09:40 PM
 
Location: Texas from Maryland
59 posts, read 6,530 times
Reputation: 96
He should press charges. No you didn't do anything wrong. You want him safe. He's safe now. He refused to continue seeing a therapist at home. He's being difficult so now he has to pay the price.
Don't let him guilt you into letting him come home. He needs Help. Keep him there at hospital and wait for a bed. He's deeply hurt by the situation.

And no what the heck makes you think that's a right of passage? Seriously?!
 
Old 09-02-2019, 10:51 PM
Status: "Time for 25" (set 13 days ago)
 
Location: Cone of Uncertainty
7,686 posts, read 4,588,476 times
Reputation: 9141
Chrissy,

From what you posted in your OP, I think you handled his suicide comments correctly. He was either thinking about suicide or he was trying to manipulate y'all into letting him off suspension. So he'll either get help now or he'll realize not to play the suicide card again. With all he has gone through, he may very well be suicidal.

By the way, your description of how they are keeping him until they can put him in an actual facility is not uncommon. I went through the same thing as an adult two years ago when I was suicidal. It did not make things better for me while I stayed in that room. They did not even give me a walker or let me keep my prosthetic leg, so I literally hopped to the bathroom on my one leg. I don't get it
 
Old 09-02-2019, 11:09 PM
 
7,085 posts, read 4,000,088 times
Reputation: 16177
I'm not sure how to feel about it. I have a 65 yo male relative who told me 20 years ago that he was raped at 14 by another older boy. He never told a sole and just went on living. He said he just wanted things to be normal. He didn't want anyone to make a big deal out of it and make it worse. He didn't want teachers, other kids, family, nobody to know and treat him differently. He's had a good life, is a good family man. The only reason he told me is because as an RN I had a rape victim patient.
 
Old 09-02-2019, 11:54 PM
 
2,871 posts, read 4,216,491 times
Reputation: 7074
I am so sorry to hear about your sons rape. I hope he will change his mind and press charges. The boys that did that to him will likely do it again.

I hope your son gets the help he needs.
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