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Old Yesterday, 08:48 AM
 
30,556 posts, read 47,806,564 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
Lots of kids save up "their" money to buy special toys, clothes (girls anyway), stuff like that. That doesn't mean they understand money.

The summer after she graduated from high school, I paid my daughter to basically be a housekeeper. She did the shopping (with my money). When she got to college, she said lots of the other kids had no idea how much even a tube of toothpaste cost!
No—they talk about the value of work that goes into buying things
He knows they budget==his mom is teacher and he seems how hard she works
Right now SIL is not employed—and grandson knows that has made difference in their budget

He has chores around the house not tied to an allowance because he is a member of the family and everyone contributes to maintaining their home—
He feeds the dog, brings in the mail, helps with the pool, cleans his room, helps cook at times and puts up groceries, helps his dad with chores

Sometimes they won’t let him spend his money on something they think is a whim or say right before his birthday when he will get presents
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Old Yesterday, 09:10 AM
 
9,811 posts, read 13,651,118 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by loves2read View Post
My grandson is 7 (July 31) and understands money
He used his own birthday/gift money to buy a big LEGO Ninjago kit that cost $70 because his mom said was too expensive—
And he put it together himself...showed it to us last night on Skype

IMO
That boy has left the starting gate
You will have a difficult time getting him to understand money because he is playing his dad like a drum
The dad obviously lets the boy do what he wants and won’t change
They both (IMO) need therapy—
There are power dynamics in place that a step-mom would get crushed trying to revise

you must have seen this before you married if you had any contact with the boy and his father...
Didn’t you discuss with your new spouse?
I did not discuss this with my husband bc we didnt know we were getting him. Stepson called my husband crying back in Jan & asked my husband to go get him. Happened literally overnight. I never had plans to become a full-time parent. Life happened.
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Old Yesterday, 10:12 AM
 
12,040 posts, read 20,587,219 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
I did not discuss this with my husband bc we didnt know we were getting him. Stepson called my husband crying back in Jan & asked my husband to go get him. Happened literally overnight. I never had plans to become a full-time parent. Life happened.
I don’t often do this, but I recommend family therapy. I think there is a lot more to this story than the simple facts here. And it is absolutely your right not to spill it all here.

You and your husband need to be a united front for son so he can’t play one against the other, and he is at that age where he’s naturally pushing back against the boundaries you have set.
__________________
Solly says — Be nice!
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Old Yesterday, 10:22 AM
 
1,871 posts, read 834,422 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
I'm a new stepparent to a 16year old boy. He believes we have unlimited money and tries to take advantage of us b/c of it … but I don't know if he is purposely taking advantage or does he really not understand that money doesn't just appear out of the sky & that we have to work hard to earn it?


My husband took him shopping over the weekend to get stuff for school for him and ended up spending $400. My stepson claimed these were all things he "needed" so whatever my husband ponied up. After the shopping trip, we got some cashback to use @ a later date b/c we spent so much (like a Kohl's Cash concept). My stepson was aware how much my husband spent yet when we got the cashback insisted on using it to buy more stuff. He didn't even ask my husband if he could have it, he just assumed he could.


My husband said he needed to ask & not just assume he could have it … b/c he works hard for the $$ & he already spent $400.


I feel @ 16 one should know enough is enough and that when your parent spends that kind off $ on you, be grateful and don't insist on getting more. I'm not sure if @ 16 does he just not realize that he or is he purposely playing games and trying to see how much he can get?


When do kids/teens start to become of aware of prices and know when it's time to lay low and not ask for more?
He knows the value of money but I assume his mom is still in the picture and he doesn't live full time with you. (I realize now he is living full time but the rest still applies) He is playing his Dad with a guilt trip. It is up to his Dad to set limits on how much he spends for certain things. That includes Christmas. Kids and even adults will push the limit on generosity, parents and other adults need to set limits. Next time, before going out, he needs to have an exact list of what is needed and if that can be obtained at Amazon for less then get it there. It is not the amount but getting the items needed. I realize most kids like to try on clothing so Kohl's or other discount stores and sales should be utilized. Your husband should now be aware of how Kohl's works and buy some of the stuff at that time then go back using the Kohl's cash. Again, it isn't the amount but being sure his son gets what is required off his list.
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Old Yesterday, 10:43 AM
 
7,176 posts, read 2,591,816 times
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I'm a little curious OP...when your husband spends $400 on his kid, for whatever he needs...does it set you all back? Sincerely asking.


Like...does it put you all behind in bills, or you have to buy less groceries, or less entertainment money...something like that? Because otherwise, if everything is paid, no one is going without one way or another, and money is getting saved...why can't dad spend his money on his kid?


My husband is very responsible money wise. We do alright. He's also pretty generous. So, if he decides to give his granddaughter $300 I don't give him grief. (This actually happened. Granddaughter asked us for a $300 loan. We have yet to be paid back. I say "we". It came out of my husband's account.


Now, lest you think "easy for you to say, you're not paying for anything" that's not the case. Our grandson (my step grandson) has recently come to live with us. He JUST turned 14, so I'm in a similar situation as you. It's been a challenge in a lot of different ways. When he first came to live with us, he had 2 pair of jeans, 3 or 4 tshirts, and 3 pair of socks.


I went out and bought 2 pair of jeans, and then bought another pair online. Also bought him a six pack of socks 2 new tshirts, and then went to Goodwill and bought him 3 or 4 more tshirts and another pair of jeans. I saw the need, and I took care of it out of MY account. I'm sure if I'd said something to my husband about it, he would've given me the money to get the grandson stocked up...but I'm taking care of it.
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Old Yesterday, 12:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
I'm a little curious OP...when your husband spends $400 on his kid, for whatever he needs...does it set you all back? Sincerely asking.


Like...does it put you all behind in bills, or you have to buy less groceries, or less entertainment money...something like that? Because otherwise, if everything is paid, no one is going without one way or another, and money is getting saved...why can't dad spend his money on his kid?


My husband is very responsible money wise. We do alright. He's also pretty generous. So, if he decides to give his granddaughter $300 I don't give him grief. (This actually happened. Granddaughter asked us for a $300 loan. We have yet to be paid back. I say "we". It came out of my husband's account.


Now, lest you think "easy for you to say, you're not paying for anything" that's not the case. Our grandson (my step grandson) has recently come to live with us. He JUST turned 14, so I'm in a similar situation as you. It's been a challenge in a lot of different ways. When he first came to live with us, he had 2 pair of jeans, 3 or 4 tshirts, and 3 pair of socks.


I went out and bought 2 pair of jeans, and then bought another pair online. Also bought him a six pack of socks 2 new tshirts, and then went to Goodwill and bought him 3 or 4 more tshirts and another pair of jeans. I saw the need, and I took care of it out of MY account. I'm sure if I'd said something to my husband about it, he would've given me the money to get the grandson stocked up...but I'm taking care of it.
It doesn't set us back and the $400 is fine. My issue is mainly like is it normal for teens of this age to ask for more and more, after knowing how much was just spent on them? Like the $400 wasn't good enough for my stepson he has to have the bonus cash too?



I don't really know … is he testing us to see how much we'll get him or does he honestly just genuinely not know $400 is a lot of money?


Full disclosure: we live well. My husband just got a very large raise, which my stepson is aware of. We are not rich by any means, but he knows we travel and go out and do things and we are much better off than his mother. In my stepson's eyes, I don't know if he realizes we're middle class or does he think we are rich? Compared to his mother, we are very rich.


Like I said, @ the end of the day, $400 doesn't really break us. I just wonder is he testing us b/c he knows we can afford it.
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Old Yesterday, 12:59 PM
 
7,176 posts, read 2,591,816 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
It doesn't set us back and the $400 is fine. My issue is mainly like is it normal for teens of this age to ask for more and more, after knowing how much was just spent on them? Like the $400 wasn't good enough for my stepson he has to have the bonus cash too?


But maybe he really doesn't think $400 is a lot of money.


I don't really know … is he testing us to see how much we'll get him or does he honestly just genuinely not know $400 is a lot of money.

Ah. Really, probably a combination of both.


Personally, I feel like he's testing his boundaries, and kids can be very self-centric.


Since you state that he's recently come to live with you all full time, can I assume it's been an emotional adjustment for him? New school? New friends, stuff like that? He might feel sorry for himself, and fully believe he DOES need what he wants. Maybe.


And sometimes, kids don't really 'get it' so much. Like recently, I let my grandson use my Kindle to order some comic books. I told him he could, and he did. He ordered $50 worth of comic books in one day, and the day before that had ordered $20 worth. I get an email every time something is ordered on my Kindle. So here I was, getting all these emails. LOL


I had to call him and say "Whoah whoah whoah!! Ease up on the ordering for now." LOL $70 dollars of comic books in 2 days was a bit much. I think some of it was obliviousness maybe, but I also think he was taking advantage while he could. LOL Like I said, it's been an adjustment. I'm sure having a teenager in the house has been an adjustment for you too. :-)
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Old Yesterday, 01:06 PM
 
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Kids as well as adults usually want as much as they can get of just about anything. He has just moved in with you, and he is probably trying to figure out what to expect. So in a way you could see it as testing you, but that implies defiance on his part. If he is being defiant, yelling to get his way, showing disrespect beyond what is usual for teenagers, mad as opposed to disappointed about not getting the Kohl's Cash, etc, then that might be testing to see if it works to get his way.
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Old Yesterday, 01:07 PM
 
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Here's another question. You said he recently came from his mother's, where the disparity in income between your households is significant and I would assume there was some level of if not trauma then at least instability in his life at some point between your two households if he had to call your husband crying asking to be picked up, and suddenly you had custody of a child when you never planned on being a stepparent and maybe didn't feel very sure about how to do that.

Has this young man had any counseling to help deal with that adjustment? Instead of greed or not understanding the value of things, might this instead be insecurity and not knowing if/when he will be offered things again?

I am hearing mixed messages. On the one hand, you are saying the $400 is not a problem and doesn't set you back, and you can afford it, but then you seem to feel put out that your stepson "expected" the bonus cash... which to me seems trivial. If $400 isn't a problem, why is bonus cash suddenly a problem? I question if maybe you and your husband need to have some conversations about money. It doesn't sound like you were planning on being a stepparent. Now you are and it seems like rather than working on a plan with your husband and executing it as a team, you're kind of laying it all on this kid.

A lot of your issues could really be solved with a conversation in advance of the outing. Oh, we're going shopping? Super. You have this much to spend. (When I was a teen, my mom let me and my sibling keep our "bonus cash" btw. It was all part of learning to spend that back to school money wisely. If we figured out we could get so many shirts off the sale rack, then come back in a week and get a few more, great!) Oh, we're going to the movies? Super. We'll get the tickets. Here's $5 for snacks. Right now the problem is there's zero communication going on ahead of time. Just money being shelled out (an amount your husband is cool with and you apparently aren't), then lots of passive aggressive feels towards the kid later. Which isn't fair towards the kid, who may have had totally different expectations in his old house, may have zero idea you're feeling resentful, and as a minor, is probably like, duh, of course my dad is going to get me some school clothes or let me get candy at the movies. It's his dad.
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Old Yesterday, 01:07 PM
 
9,811 posts, read 13,651,118 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
Ah. Really, probably a combination of both.


Personally, I feel like he's testing his boundaries, and kids can be very self-centric.


Since you state that he's recently come to live with you all full time, can I assume it's been an emotional adjustment for him? New school? New friends, stuff like that? He might feel sorry for himself, and fully believe he DOES need what he wants. Maybe.


And sometimes, kids don't really 'get it' so much. Like recently, I let my grandson use my Kindle to order some comic books. I told him he could, and he did. He ordered $50 worth of comic books in one day, and the day before that had ordered $20 worth. I get an email every time something is ordered on my Kindle. So here I was, getting all these emails. LOL


I had to call him and say "Whoah whoah whoah!! Ease up on the ordering for now." LOL $70 dollars of comic books in 2 days was a bit much. I think some of it was obliviousness maybe, but I also think he was taking advantage while he could. LOL Like I said, it's been an adjustment. I'm sure having a teenager in the house has been an adjustment for you too. :-)
Yes i'm sure it was hard for him to switch schools and make new friends. He seems to be doing well here and seems happy so that's a good thing.


it's been an adjustment for me for sure. I never wanted kids. I like them, but I'm not mother material and my husband and I talked about it and he was totally fine with it b/c he already has kids anyway. So not only do I have a kid to help raise suddenly out of the blue, I also skipped the baby/kid phase and went right to teen. So it hasn't been easy …


He helps around the house which is great and he does get a small allowance for it. I'm really just curious how teens are supposed to act, what is normal, b/c I really just don't know. The last time I was around teens was when I was one (which was a very very very long time ago )


This has been helpful for me. I really try to do the best I can. I have no idea how to parent really and just am learning as I go.
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