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Old 09-24-2019, 05:40 AM
 
7,401 posts, read 4,333,692 times
Reputation: 5081

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I have a son that will be 9 in a few weeks. His father left me when he was 4. We went through the family court system to get visitation and child support set up. We have had some issues with my ex physically abusing (as well as stalking, domestic violence, etc) my son and visitation suspended for 18 months. Social services wanted it to be permanent but a judge (old man, divorced that hates women) decided son should see his father.

It has been a bumpy road. Despite my attempts to talk up the trips to see his dad, he hates going. He likes his dads new wife, which is our only saving grace. But he hates his father for valid reasons. He has never taken a interest in son. My son plays sports and father says mean things, tells him they are a waste of time, and has a general bad attitude when son asks his dad to take him during his time. The father calls everyone in my family bad names to son. My son is extremely close to my parents. He couldnít pick out his fathers parents in a crowd if you asked him to, so I think the father is jealous of the relationship. They are bad people so I am fine with father not taking child around them. I have never even met the mother. (Drugs)

Son is scared to death to talk to his father because he is a very angry person with a temper. Last year I tried having a chat with son and his father, to help son tell his father the changes he could make to make visits more comfortable. He makes him share a room with an 18 year old step son. He told son that nothing was going to change and to suck it up. My fiancť once again tried earlier this year, which was also a failure. My son carries his phone every where but his dads. I think something happened. He wonít let son call anyone in our family while he has him. He says because I donít let son call him. Which is not the truth. I donít manage who son calls. He calls my parent and his friends all the time. He texted his father last in april, but certainly not because I wonít allow him. It is hard to be forced to talk to
Someone you just donít like.

Last time son was with father, they made him play paint ball. Father played on opposite team, so he could shoot son. He came home with bruises on his legs. Paintball bruises donít count as abuse in the state the father lives, or I would have tried to use that to get visitation stopped again.

I have an appointment with my attorney this week. I am just at a loss what to do. It angers me that the court system is so adamant about children seeing both parents. Father has me in court yet again to try to have his child support lowered but the case may be dropped because he wonít produce any documents to prove his income. He owns a trucking company and told them he only makes $42k a year. He wonít show anything to prove that though. I have offered for him to stop paying support of stops taking son for scheduled visits, and just takes him when son calls for a visit. He had me draw up papers a few years ago but then backed out of signing them. My lawyer is going to attempt this deal Again but my luck is just not that good...

Son came home the other day and said the only reason his dad gets him is to aggravate me. I believe that to be a true statement.

I just donít know what to do. I hate that he is always hurting son. Any suggestions?
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Old 09-24-2019, 06:33 AM
 
Location: Virginia
4,141 posts, read 2,167,840 times
Reputation: 11512
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I have a son that will be 9 in a few weeks. His father left me when he was 4. We went through the family court system to get visitation and child support set up. We have had some issues with my ex physically abusing (as well as stalking, domestic violence, etc) my son and visitation suspended for 18 months. Social services wanted it to be permanent but a judge (old man, divorced that hates women) decided son should see his father.

It has been a bumpy road. Despite my attempts to talk up the trips to see his dad, he hates going. He likes his dads new wife, which is our only saving grace. But he hates his father for valid reasons. He has never taken a interest in son. My son plays sports and father says mean things, tells him they are a waste of time, and has a general bad attitude when son asks his dad to take him during his time. The father calls everyone in my family bad names to son. My son is extremely close to my parents. He couldnít pick out his fathers parents in a crowd if you asked him to, so I think the father is jealous of the relationship. They are bad people so I am fine with father not taking child around them. I have never even met the mother. (Drugs)

Son is scared to death to talk to his father because he is a very angry person with a temper. Last year I tried having a chat with son and his father, to help son tell his father the changes he could make to make visits more comfortable. He makes him share a room with an 18 year old step son. He told son that nothing was going to change and to suck it up. My fiancť once again tried earlier this year, which was also a failure. My son carries his phone every where but his dads. I think something happened. He wonít let son call anyone in our family while he has him. He says because I donít let son call him. Which is not the truth. I donít manage who son calls. He calls my parent and his friends all the time. He texted his father last in april, but certainly not because I wonít allow him. It is hard to be forced to talk to
Someone you just donít like.

Last time son was with father, they made him play paint ball. Father played on opposite team, so he could shoot son. He came home with bruises on his legs. Paintball bruises donít count as abuse in the state the father lives, or I would have tried to use that to get visitation stopped again.

I have an appointment with my attorney this week. I am just at a loss what to do. It angers me that the court system is so adamant about children seeing both parents. Father has me in court yet again to try to have his child support lowered but the case may be dropped because he wonít produce any documents to prove his income. He owns a trucking company and told them he only makes $42k a year. He wonít show anything to prove that though. I have offered for him to stop paying support of stops taking son for scheduled visits, and just takes him when son calls for a visit. He had me draw up papers a few years ago but then backed out of signing them. My lawyer is going to attempt this deal Again but my luck is just not that good...

Son came home the other day and said the only reason his dad gets him is to aggravate me. I believe that to be a true statement.

I just donít know what to do. I hate that he is always hurting son. Any suggestions?
You have primary custody, right? When the paintball incident and resulting bruises occurred, did you take pictures? Do paintball bruises count as abuse in YOUR state? If so, did you do anything about them there?
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Old 09-24-2019, 06:47 AM
 
7,401 posts, read 4,333,692 times
Reputation: 5081
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Originally Posted by Bungalove View Post
You have primary custody, right? When the paintball incident and resulting bruises occurred, did you take pictures? Do paintball bruises count as abuse in YOUR state? If so, did you do anything about them there?
We have joint legal custody. I have him most of the time. Unfortunately the law in my state doesnít count. His father lives over the line in another county. Because the incident happened in that county, it goes by the law in that county. My county social worker would have liked to put him in jail years ago. I live in a very progressive, liberal state.

I do have pictures. I have an appointment with my attorney this week, which we have to be careful and son canít tell him anything that would result in him becoming a witness. I am going to request a child advocate to speak to son and speak for him in court, but it might not be allowed.
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Old 09-24-2019, 06:49 AM
 
7,401 posts, read 4,333,692 times
Reputation: 5081
I am also caught in a tough spot right now. I can’t open a new case while he still has the child support one open, because it looks like I am just retaliating. So I have been trying to wait until that gets dismissed.
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Old 09-24-2019, 06:52 AM
 
Location: Virginia
4,141 posts, read 2,167,840 times
Reputation: 11512
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
We have joint legal custody. I have him most of the time. Unfortunately the law in my state doesnít count. His father lives over the line in another county. Because the incident happened in that county, it goes by the law in that county. My county social worker would have liked to put him in jail years ago. I live in a very progressive, liberal state.

I do have pictures. I have an appointment with my attorney this week, which we have to be careful and son canít tell him anything that would result in him becoming a witness. I am going to request a child advocate to speak to son and speak for him in court, but it might not be allowed.
Why would a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) not be allowed? I would think one would certainly be in the best interests of the child, since they are a neutral party.
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Old 09-24-2019, 07:24 AM
 
7,401 posts, read 4,333,692 times
Reputation: 5081
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bungalove View Post
Why would a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) not be allowed? I would think one would certainly be in the best interests of the child, since they are a neutral party.
We did that a few years ago though. Had the same guy appointed from the state that handled my daughters case. He was adamant that my ex husband have visitation of my daughter. He terminated rights two months after he was given visitation. Four years ago I allowed him to try to enter her life again. He said he would pick her up for Christmas. That was four years ago, he has yet to pick her up.

My sons father is a similar type of jerk. I reminded him of my daughters case and that i have special exes. He bailed out of the case when social services was involved. I donít know that they will put him back in the mix. I think my son experiences emotional abuse from his father, but the courts donít take it seriously.
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Old 09-24-2019, 12:27 PM
 
7,401 posts, read 4,333,692 times
Reputation: 5081
So no one has any suggestions on how to handle this issue with sons father and son not wanting to see his dad?
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Old 09-24-2019, 02:14 PM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,448 posts, read 5,112,501 times
Reputation: 3405
If this man abuses your son, I would stop "talking up the trips to see his dad". It won't stop the abuse, but at least he will know that you take it seriously and that you have absolutely no choice but to let him go. Trying to get him excited about seeing a man who has abused him might confuse him, and make him think you want him to go for these visits.
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Old 09-24-2019, 02:35 PM
 
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
3,842 posts, read 9,386,844 times
Reputation: 7506
I would document and report everything as soon as it happened. I would not engage your ex at all. If he sends a nasty text, save it and ignore it.

I would also create a "what to do if you get scared" plan for your son. Don't mention anyone specifically (like your ex). Just keep it general. Can you get to know neighbors near your ex's?

I would also get counseling to deal with this, especially for your son.

Personally, I could not handle this. I feel like I'd be going into hiding with my son.
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Old 09-24-2019, 02:51 PM
 
11,416 posts, read 8,675,204 times
Reputation: 20828
Get married and see if your ex will allow your husband to adopt your son if he never had to pay child support again. The slime ball will probably go for it.
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