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Old 09-27-2019, 02:38 PM
1,005 posts, read 683,026 times
Reputation: 1693


Originally Posted by CaliDreaming01 View Post
Some more details about the girl that may or may not be relevant: The girl's mother is a native of France and they have lived overseas for a good part of the child's life. The child is bilingual. The family is very well off financially. She is allowed to take her phone to school. They apparently don't monitor her phone use at all. I'm wondering if cultural/socioeconomic differences are at play.

Yes, my daughter likes the girl very much and didn't feel manipulated. I think at this age they really don't grasp phone etiquette and don't self censor yet. All of my daughter's friends (and my daughter too!) tend to get upset when they can't reach their friends and will call several times in a row and beg and plead in texts. This girl just got way more upset by not being able to reach my daughter than other girls her age and was way more persistent.

You've hit on the head the reason why I am kind of reluctant to bring it up with her parents. I don't know if there's something going on at home that would make her say that. If there is and I raise issues with her parents, I fear making things worse for her. I'm waffling a bit and wondering if I should just speak with our school's counselor for advice without naming the child.

A few people have asked what I would want in this situation, and I think this is an impossible question for me to answer because I am not in this situation. For me, it would depend on what the parent is telling me, my relationship with that parent, and how well that parent knows my child. If it were a teacher and a counselor raising an issue with me, I would definitely take that seriously
At the risk of appearing flippant.... is it possible she is being.... French?

On a serious note-bilingual individuals have a habit of directly translating text and sometimes our exclamations can sound very alarming in English.

Not saying thats what this is- but giving you another nudge to please discuss this with her parents. It may be translation gone wrong. Or a real concern. Either way, they will have more context and need to know either way.
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Old 09-27-2019, 02:41 PM
Location: planet earth
5,490 posts, read 2,145,330 times
Reputation: 12230
I would contact the parents and disclose exactly what you wrote here.

I am not sure how you should handle it with you daughter, other than to say: "Your friend is calling/texting with some very inappropriate messages," and then leave it at that. I would not encourage a relationship with the child (sounds cruel, but she obviously has issues/drama and I would not want my child exposed to that).
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Old 09-27-2019, 03:01 PM
Status: "Fall is Here!" (set 23 days ago)
Location: Foot of the Rockies
87,792 posts, read 103,976,561 times
Reputation: 33542
Originally Posted by CaliDreaming01 View Post
Yes, I could definitely see it as a kid just being dramatic. She is very social and has other friends and really isn't displaying any signs of depression in what I can see. I would feel awful both ways. If I raise it with the counselor and it ends up she's just being dramatic, I would feel terribly and if she really does need help, I would of course feel badly too.

I'm thinking I might just show my school counselor the texts and not name the child until I get more of a feel of how to proceed. I wonder if they could just keep an eye on her and not tell her parents unless it's something serious. Also, I would think the school might have much more info on this girl than I'd be privvy to.
Wouldn't you want to know if it were your kid?
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Old 09-27-2019, 03:16 PM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
45,017 posts, read 43,485,503 times
Reputation: 87211
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
Wouldn't you want to know if it were your kid?
Seriously, how is this even a question, OP?

You appear to be more worried about avoiding awkwardness than addressing the actual problem.

Your replies show you trying to take the path of least resistance and pretending you can't put yourself in this other mom's shoes, making all kinds of rationalizations and assumptions about them merely to avoid a conversation.

Wake up and focus on the actual point. Your daughter's cell phone experience is not exactly off to a satisfying start.
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Old 09-27-2019, 07:38 PM
3,570 posts, read 1,510,343 times
Reputation: 7320
I'm with vicky3vicky. Contact the counselor first. Make an appointment and go in and tell them your hesitations and concerns. Let them talk to the girl and they should have the qualifications to determine if she's being dramatic or is abused. Please, oh please, don't talk to an abused child's parents directly. I know in this case you have no clue, but that's a good reason to go through a third party like a school counselor.

Ask your daughter if she might not consider blocking calls and text and talking to her friend in person because she calls too late.
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Old 10-03-2019, 06:52 AM
Location: Texas
43,886 posts, read 53,645,079 times
Reputation: 71919
Originally Posted by xxEHxx View Post
PS: I hope this doesn't turn into a debate over kids having phones. I used to be very opposed to my child having a phone at this age. My husband disagreed and I obviously lost that battle. I'm making the best of it.

Hard to avoid this argument when phones are known to cause depression in kids

No kidding!!!

8 year olds are texting each other?! What??!!
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Old 10-03-2019, 11:03 AM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
45,017 posts, read 43,485,503 times
Reputation: 87211
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
No kidding!!!

8 year olds are texting each other?! What??!!
It's a BAD idea.

Anyone I know whose kid under 12 has a phone uses it only to contact parents.
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Old 10-03-2019, 11:39 AM
4,226 posts, read 2,921,605 times
Reputation: 8139
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It's a BAD idea.

Anyone I know whose kid under 12 has a phone uses it only to contact parents.
I've been holding my tongue, but I agree 1000%.
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Old 10-09-2019, 01:21 PM
4,312 posts, read 3,473,273 times
Reputation: 5831
We were in a similar situation last year, except the two girls involved were in 6th grade and no one wrote "I want to die." My daughter was 12 and the other girl 13 (same grade), and the other girl harassed my daughter with text messages and phone calls similar to what you describe. Since they were 6th graders, I gave my daughter a chance to handle it. Things improved a bit, but soon became worse than ever.

I had some social contact with the other girl's mother and realized she was not going to be a help.
I took screen shots of everything, sent it to my daughter's teachers, who got the counselors involved, and that very next day, this girl was separated from my daughter.

I'm sharing our situation to tell you:

--8 is way too young for phones and texting. My daughter is now 13 and about once a month I still read her texts.
--do not hesitate to go to the school. This is cyber bullying and against the school code of conduct. Most schools have anonymous tip lines if you cannot be up front.
--if you cannot bring yourself to call the mother, you must at least contact the school.
--your daughter is way too young to know how to handle this kind of thing. You are the adult and you have to take responsibility.
--the 8 year old sounds like she is crying out for help. It has nothing to do with her being French. Find someone at the school you can tell.
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Old 10-14-2019, 05:49 PM
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
3,894 posts, read 9,438,737 times
Reputation: 7716
I would definitely tell the parents. Depending on their response, I might report it to child protective services.

I would take the phone away from my 8 year old and this is simply because I'd want to see what else this other child texts. I would not want my daughter involved. I'd tell my daughter this is an adult matter and adults are handling it. If the other child was still texting and I felt a greater sense of urgency, I'd contact the local police to check the situation out.

Also, there is a suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) that you could contact for further guidance.

The bottom line is that you don't have the training or education to figure this out. You have a responsibility to get people involved who do.
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