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Old 09-29-2019, 07:12 PM
 
975 posts, read 267,812 times
Reputation: 2585

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Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux View Post
Germaine

Thanks so much for the detailed answer. You seem to understand what I am going through. I just had another talk with my wife and she agrees with me for the most part.
We are going to have a serious talk with her and see what happens (I will be included in the talk this time as usually I have my wife do it).

Thanks so much

Pat

I think the best if your daughter moves out into her own place vs you starting charging her- it is awkward and won’t improve your relationship- it could make it petty between the 3 of you and will lead to more aggravation and resentment.

You can sit her down one day and say, surprise!
We decided to help you out honey- found a few cute little apartments for you to move in.
It is time for you to try to be on your own- at your age your Mom was already married and started a family!
Let’s schedule to go and look at the apartments on the day off- go all 3 as a family- even invite a boyfriend.

Tell her that she can take whatever furniture she needs from the house and all household necessities- pans, dishes, etc. Even offer to pay her security deposit, etc.
Look for an attractive place for her-in a good area, safe, let it be very small if it is an expensive part of town - you need her to get excited about moving out!
( she could go for coffee nearby or a bar without driving, grocery, shopping, movies, etc)

It may bring all of you closer together, add some excitement ( new adventures) in finding the right safe place.
Dad may need to help to move, fix something, Mom will help with curtains, decoration, etc
You even can assure her that if something unforeseen happens she always welcome back to your home.

At 26 it is a bit late for you to give her lectures about turning the lights off.
In her place when her bills are high- you may suggest for her the way to cut it by turning the lights off.
So instead of annoying lecture now in your home - it will look like a valuable advice from her dearest Dad.
Mom could cook something and drop it off for her child at her place every now and then to help her and to have an outlet for her feelings towards her baby! ( Occasional extra groceries drop off, etc could be welcome too, especially at the beginning)

It will be interesting to check the boyfriend’s reaction as well regarding your daughter getting her own place: if he is serious- he could suggest to her to move in with him and save some money? Or even marriage?
It is better I think, than to start charging her.
Then you can let go- she has a dirty apartment- she has to clean it, at least you won’t have to nag her with chores - and let her be, figure it all out by herself- with possibly your gentle recommendation..
Say that once a month- she have to prepare dinner - and you both come for a visit- it should keep her on her toes as far as cleaning.
Then, once a month- she would come to dinner with her boyfriend to your house..
It could be very nice

Last edited by Nik4me; 09-29-2019 at 07:41 PM..
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Old 09-29-2019, 07:35 PM
 
68 posts, read 149,260 times
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Hi Pat,
I would echo the opinion that your wife is causing more harm than your daughter. It sounds that you're coming from a place of love and concern. The reality is, your daughter cannot live with you forever. Whether she gets married to her current boyfriend, marries somebody else, or lives as a single woman throughout life, she's gonna have to live without you guys at some point.

Your wife is doing your daughter a disservice by allowing her to live as though she's a teenager still. I lived at home until I got married at 26. When I was living at home, I cooked for both my mom and I, I did most of the cleaning and all laundry for both of us. My dad passed away when I was 18 and my mom kind of relied on me to help.

Despite that, I still felt that it was a big adjustment to jump into managing finances for a household, being in charge of cooking and grocery shopping for both myself and my husband, etc. My husband had owned his home for several years before we got married and I moved in. There were several times where I was embarrassed to admit that I didn't know how to do something, or that my mom had always done something for me. I can't imagine that your daughter will feel successful or even happy if she's put into a situation where she is in charge of 'adult' tasks without any preparation. For her sake, you and your wife absolutely should start requiring more of her. I would lay out very specific tasks that you want her to do to minimize excuses. Maybe make a rotating schedule, like she cooks one week, then she does laundry the next, and you guys do whatever she isn't doing that week?
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Old 09-29-2019, 09:26 PM
 
11,427 posts, read 8,696,601 times
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Is there another culture involved here, perhaps Asian? Just wondering.

It's hard to gage the dynamics from one side. I don't know if taking money from her will alleviate the frustration of her being a bit of a slob.

Maybe take the money and let her earn it back by housekeeping or preparing meals. She needs those skills.
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Old 09-30-2019, 03:43 AM
 
137 posts, read 455,138 times
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Thanks so much for all the answers, I m reading it all and taking notes.

To hunterseat “ No we are not Asian but Caucasians”

Thxs again to all

Pat
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Old 09-30-2019, 08:53 AM
 
192 posts, read 78,698 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
Is there another culture involved here, perhaps Asian? Just wondering.

It's hard to gage the dynamics from one side. I don't know if taking money from her will alleviate the frustration of her being a bit of a slob.

Maybe take the money and let her earn it back by housekeeping or preparing meals. She needs those skills.
Most definitely, yes, but the culture involved is probably not Asian. I sense almost a literal translation from another language, and this mention of turning off the lights when leaving the room just sealed it.
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Old 09-30-2019, 08:54 AM
 
192 posts, read 78,698 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux View Post
Thanks so much for all the answers, I m reading it all and taking notes.

To hunterseat “ No we are not Asian but Caucasians”

Thxs again to all

Pat
I knew it. Eastern European?
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Old 09-30-2019, 10:19 AM
 
7,477 posts, read 2,710,363 times
Reputation: 17070
Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux View Post
Hi

Me and my wife are in our early 50's, very happily married for 26 years. We own a cozy little house in Georgia which is paid for, have had great jobs for the last 20 years and have 2 dogs.
We have a 26 Y.O. daughter which I would like to have opinions from you.
My daughter when graduated from high school refused to go to college and wanted to start working. We tried everything to have her go to college to no avail.
She got hired in a grocery store ever since. She is a good employee and never miss a day at work. She does not do drugs, drinks moderately and has never been arrested as she is a law abiding citizen. She is not a bad person.
My daughter has been in a serious relationship for the last 2 years with a very serious young man. We really like that guy. He is kind, hard working and very good with money.
Our daughter at 26 still lives with us, in fact she lives half and half at our place and his. We don't charge her anything for rent, food and utilities.
Here is what gets to my nerves. She doesn't do anything around the house. We have to tell her everything just like when she was 8 Y.O.
"Please set up the dinner table", "Please take the garbage out", "Please feed the dogs" and so on...
Most of the time it's me saying it not my wife.
I find my wife very weak with her and she will do everything for her, I am not as easy going.
My wife had double knee replacement surgery a month ago and is in pain most of the time and she will get up and cook dinner and serve it to her while she sits on the couch on her phone non stop.
She will not turn the lights off or her TV when she gets out of rooms for an extended period of time. She will often forget to rinse the bathtub after a bath and so on...
One day with her old boyfriend she had a fight with him she told us. We asked what append?
She said he got to her about not turning TV's and lights off when she is in another room. So apparently it's not just me. She is on a cloud it seems, not taking responsibilities beside at her job.
She told us she does not pay anything with her boyfriend either.
Worse for me, she has a sharp mouth and I bite my tongue quite often. I have had a medical condition which creates quite a bit of pain and still work 50-60 hours a week to provide for my family. She would never tell me "How are you feeling dad?", "Feel better dad" and so on.
We don't fight at all her and me but we are not close at all. She is closer to my wife which will listen to her for hours just replying "Yes I agree", "oh yes indeed".
I tell my wife often that she should help wake her up to the real world, that even if she is our kid and we love her, she has to start pulling her weight more.
Every so often I tell my wife to talk to her about all these things. So for 2 days my daughter helps then she stops.
I know well that my wife is afraid of loosing her baby for good. That she slams the door and say good-bye for good. I do not see that happening at all as there are really no big problems between us.
Just yesterday my wife told me she would talk to her. I replied no that I will talk to her myself this time.
I will tell her everything I wrote above and that from now on she is going to have to pay $100/week for rent/food and utilities.
What do you all think? Am I being too hard with her? Is my wife too weak? I am going to wait for feedback here prior to talk to her.

Thanks for your time

Pat

Maybe it's time that YOU talk to your wife, and then your daughter. Don't ask. Tell.


"Wife, it's high time daughter starts pulling her weight around here. I'm laying down some rules...(and then lay down the rules with daughter. )


YOU see the issue. Your wife does not. Be the authoritarian and lay down the law. I'm betting your wife will not fight you on this.
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Old 09-30-2019, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Washington state
5,590 posts, read 2,893,697 times
Reputation: 17089
On the other hand, if the daughter has such a hard time with turning out the lights after leaving a room, maybe turning over the electric bill to her name will help. And if the parents don't mind, letting the electric get turned off when she doesn't pay could be a positive learning experience for her, too. Bet it only happens once.
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Old 09-30-2019, 11:33 AM
 
975 posts, read 267,812 times
Reputation: 2585
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty_nina1 View Post
I knew it. Eastern European?
What a rude question. Why does it even matter to you?
What do you know about Eastern Europeans that explains the OP’s situation? Or helps it?
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Old 09-30-2019, 11:38 AM
 
39,358 posts, read 15,576,458 times
Reputation: 25725
Sounds as if you have done a terrific job of raising a responsible, hard working young woman. Congratulations.

However, it appears there is one more step to your parenting -- supporting her in becoming self sufficient.

As long as she continues to live at home with you, she will be unable to learn self-sufficiency skills.

Charging her $100/month, signing a contract in which she will turn off the lights, do so much house cleaning, etc. is not even a step in the right direction. It is delaying when she will learn to balance a budget, cook her own meals, deal with life as an adult.

What if something should happen to the two of you? Would she be able to support herself, pay bills, maintain a home?

After a year or so of supporting herself, she may realize that she needs a career other than working in a grocery store. Now is the time to come to that realization, not years down the road when she might have a couple kids, and an ex-husband.

Sounds like you are good parents, but even you recognize that something isn't right here. You are parenting her like she's a little girl instead of a grown woman.

Good luck!
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