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Old 10-02-2019, 08:16 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,900 posts, read 72,741,614 times
Reputation: 78690

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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Maybe if she is stuck with four room mates because of her low salary, she will decide to get a better job.

I know someone who was so "comfy at moms and dads" house that she is now 72 years old and still living in her childhood bedroom (obviously because she never moved away from home).
I know a guy who did that; the father of a friend of mine, when I was in HS. He's' lived in his mother's home all his life, and now that she's passed away, he's there alone. It's an elegant home, but his taste is anything but elegant; my friend said his dad.was covering the walls with fake-wood panelling, and gradually going about wrecking the house in that way. Meanwhile, my friend got himself a legit profession, and has been self-supporting in his adult life, living in a different state from his father. I think his father scarred him by negative example.
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Old 10-02-2019, 08:35 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale
1,227 posts, read 617,351 times
Reputation: 2230
Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux View Post
Hi

Me and my wife are in our early 50's, very happily married for 26 years. We own a cozy little house in Georgia which is paid for, have had great jobs for the last 20 years and have 2 dogs.
We have a 26 Y.O. daughter which I would like to have opinions from you.
My daughter when graduated from high school refused to go to college and wanted to start working. We tried everything to have her go to college to no avail.
She got hired in a grocery store ever since. She is a good employee and never miss a day at work. She does not do drugs, drinks moderately and has never been arrested as she is a law abiding citizen. She is not a bad person.
My daughter has been in a serious relationship for the last 2 years with a very serious young man. We really like that guy. He is kind, hard working and very good with money.
Our daughter at 26 still lives with us, in fact she lives half and half at our place and his. We don't charge her anything for rent, food and utilities.
Here is what gets to my nerves. She doesn't do anything around the house. We have to tell her everything just like when she was 8 Y.O.
"Please set up the dinner table", "Please take the garbage out", "Please feed the dogs" and so on...
Most of the time it's me saying it not my wife.
I find my wife very weak with her and she will do everything for her, I am not as easy going.
My wife had double knee replacement surgery a month ago and is in pain most of the time and she will get up and cook dinner and serve it to her while she sits on the couch on her phone non stop.
She will not turn the lights off or her TV when she gets out of rooms for an extended period of time. She will often forget to rinse the bathtub after a bath and so on...
One day with her old boyfriend she had a fight with him she told us. We asked what append?
She said he got to her about not turning TV's and lights off when she is in another room. So apparently it's not just me. She is on a cloud it seems, not taking responsibilities beside at her job.
She told us she does not pay anything with her boyfriend either.
Worse for me, she has a sharp mouth and I bite my tongue quite often. I have had a medical condition which creates quite a bit of pain and still work 50-60 hours a week to provide for my family. She would never tell me "How are you feeling dad?", "Feel better dad" and so on.
We don't fight at all her and me but we are not close at all. She is closer to my wife which will listen to her for hours just replying "Yes I agree", "oh yes indeed".
I tell my wife often that she should help wake her up to the real world, that even if she is our kid and we love her, she has to start pulling her weight more.
Every so often I tell my wife to talk to her about all these things. So for 2 days my daughter helps then she stops.
I know well that my wife is afraid of loosing her baby for good. That she slams the door and say good-bye for good. I do not see that happening at all as there are really no big problems between us.
Just yesterday my wife told me she would talk to her. I replied no that I will talk to her myself this time.
I will tell her everything I wrote above and that from now on she is going to have to pay $100/week for rent/food and utilities.
What do you all think? Am I being too hard with her? Is my wife too weak? I am going to wait for feedback here prior to talk to her.

Thanks for your time

Pat
You and your wife are lucky to have a long-marriage and your daughter should appreciate you are more than owning up to your parental responsibilities. Many young girls grow up in the south with single moms and an absent dad. I am from rural AZ but also worked in the FL Panhandle near GA and AL (SEC country).

On the positive side, be thankful there wasn't a teen pregnancy (or pregnancies). In the rural south and southwest, I know that is very common. It could be worse - abuse of meth, cocaine, binge drinking, promiscuity, HIV, etc. It's bad for your daughter but not really bad. There are horror stories at the Department of Children and Families over in FL about children with absent dads who fall into a world of juvenile delinquency. You seem to have prevented a lot of that by being present in her life and providing a stable home.

Also be thankful that she works (albeit a blue-collar job but still a job).

But there are issues...

The hard part appears to be (1) she still lives at home, (2) doesn't do chores and (3) appears to take the parents' help for granted. The "talking back to still-paying parents" is a hard one.

Perhaps counseling could help in her case. I think there are pros and cons but the "cons" can likely be addressed with family counseling for her.

I am also a Generation X guy like you. I knew that parenthood was going to be hard, so I never got married early (and still am not). I'll take the plunge soon (but not so soon - lol). I move around too much for engineering consulting to settle down right now. But that should stabilize later.

Best wishes.
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Old 10-02-2019, 08:54 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
45,035 posts, read 43,501,942 times
Reputation: 87235
Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux View Post
I am going to grab a notepad one evening when my daughter is not home and have a chat with my wife. We are going to plan correctly so we don't go in opposite ways when we talk to our daughter.
I think it's a great idea for you and your wife to talk together. I would caution you, though, about taking an authoritarian tone with her and your daughter.

You were right there with your wife along the way, while raising her, and you had plenty of chances to step in over the years to guide a course correction.

Working together to help everyone involved achieve some sort of independence is the better path.
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Old 10-02-2019, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Out West
23,454 posts, read 17,315,853 times
Reputation: 27207
Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux View Post
Hi

Me and my wife are in our early 50's, very happily married for 26 years. We own a cozy little house in Georgia which is paid for, have had great jobs for the last 20 years and have 2 dogs.
We have a 26 Y.O. daughter which I would like to have opinions from you.
My daughter when graduated from high school refused to go to college and wanted to start working. We tried everything to have her go to college to no avail.
She got hired in a grocery store ever since. She is a good employee and never miss a day at work. She does not do drugs, drinks moderately and has never been arrested as she is a law abiding citizen. She is not a bad person.
My daughter has been in a serious relationship for the last 2 years with a very serious young man. We really like that guy. He is kind, hard working and very good with money.
Our daughter at 26 still lives with us, in fact she lives half and half at our place and his. We don't charge her anything for rent, food and utilities.
Here is what gets to my nerves. She doesn't do anything around the house. We have to tell her everything just like when she was 8 Y.O.
"Please set up the dinner table", "Please take the garbage out", "Please feed the dogs" and so on...
Most of the time it's me saying it not my wife.
I find my wife very weak with her and she will do everything for her, I am not as easy going.
My wife had double knee replacement surgery a month ago and is in pain most of the time and she will get up and cook dinner and serve it to her while she sits on the couch on her phone non stop.
She will not turn the lights off or her TV when she gets out of rooms for an extended period of time. She will often forget to rinse the bathtub after a bath and so on...
One day with her old boyfriend she had a fight with him she told us. We asked what append?
She said he got to her about not turning TV's and lights off when she is in another room. So apparently it's not just me. She is on a cloud it seems, not taking responsibilities beside at her job.
She told us she does not pay anything with her boyfriend either.
Worse for me, she has a sharp mouth and I bite my tongue quite often. I have had a medical condition which creates quite a bit of pain and still work 50-60 hours a week to provide for my family. She would never tell me "How are you feeling dad?", "Feel better dad" and so on.
We don't fight at all her and me but we are not close at all. She is closer to my wife which will listen to her for hours just replying "Yes I agree", "oh yes indeed".
I tell my wife often that she should help wake her up to the real world, that even if she is our kid and we love her, she has to start pulling her weight more.
Every so often I tell my wife to talk to her about all these things. So for 2 days my daughter helps then she stops.
I know well that my wife is afraid of loosing her baby for good. That she slams the door and say good-bye for good. I do not see that happening at all as there are really no big problems between us.
Just yesterday my wife told me she would talk to her. I replied no that I will talk to her myself this time.
I will tell her everything I wrote above and that from now on she is going to have to pay $100/week for rent/food and utilities.
What do you all think? Am I being too hard with her? Is my wife too weak? I am going to wait for feedback here prior to talk to her.

Thanks for your time

Pat
I stayed with my sister for a little while, and she was the same with her own. She has 2 boys who were perfectly capable of helping out around the house. She has MS. Her husband works 2 jobs. The house is a fricken pig sty. She does everything around there, but she is limited to what she can do because of her MS. It was frustrating watching the boys sit on the couch, every single night, watching tv or playing video games, sitting in that pig sty.

They care about her, but apparently not enough to get up off of their butts and clean the place, or even clean up after themselves.

And I blame my sister for that. She doesn't tell them to do anything, she asks. 'When you have time, can you unload the dishwasher?" And guess what didn't get done? She would do this over and over until she got frustrated and mad, and then all hell would break loose.

But you can't tell her anything because she takes it as a personal attack.

Kids, regardless of age, who live at home, need structure. And they need to be held accountable. There needs to be consequences for not doing their part. Your daughter is getting a pass, every single time. She doesn't pay to be there, when she doesn't do something, what happens? Nothing.

I think it's wise to start charging her rent. If she doesn't want to help out around the place, doing simple things like turning off a light when leaving a room, then up the rent. You may be her parents, but you are not her maids. She is a grown person. It's not like she doesn't know what to do, she just doesn't care what to do because there's no consequence when she doesn't do them.
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Old 10-02-2019, 10:28 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
9,318 posts, read 3,194,733 times
Reputation: 14178
People have been saying this about members of the younger generation, since civilization began. When the older people were young themselves, their parents were saying it about them. Check out this collection of observations on the folly of youth, from much earlier times:

https://historyhustle.com/2500-years...er-generation/
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Old 10-02-2019, 10:51 PM
 
13,472 posts, read 13,939,155 times
Reputation: 9459
since she is 26 years old and has stable employment, you can congratulate yourself on raising an independent capable young woman.

here are your choices:
1. ask her to move out, and give her a date, such as 30 days or 60 days.
or
2. ask her to start paying rent, starting immediately, for instance $600 a month. Look at craig's list, that is what a room goes for in a house.

and if she refuses to pay rent, or says she will and then doesn't, then your only choice is to have her move out. would you tolerate that from a tenant? no you would not.

she has options. she can get a roommate. she can rent her own place. she can move in with her boyfriend. that is up to her to decide. tell her you trust her to make good choices because she is a capable intelligent competent woman. and you are proud of her turning out so well and being able to manage her life so well. she is grown up, and that's what grown ups do, they move out or they pay rent.

good luck and best wishes.
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Old 10-03-2019, 05:11 AM
 
4,444 posts, read 1,935,905 times
Reputation: 9009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel View Post
since she is 26 years old and has stable employment, you can congratulate yourself on raising an independent capable young woman.

here are your choices:
1. ask her to move out, and give her a date, such as 30 days or 60 days.
or
2. ask her to start paying rent, starting immediately, for instance $600 a month. Look at craig's list, that is what a room goes for in a house.

and if she refuses to pay rent, or says she will and then doesn't, then your only choice is to have her move out. would you tolerate that from a tenant? no you would not.

she has options. she can get a roommate. she can rent her own place. she can move in with her boyfriend. that is up to her to decide. tell her you trust her to make good choices because she is a capable intelligent competent woman. and you are proud of her turning out so well and being able to manage her life so well. she is grown up, and that's what grown ups do, they move out or they pay rent.

good luck and best wishes.
From what the OP is saying, it doesn’t sound like getting a roommate or renting her own place is a possibility if she would need four roommates. It sounds like he must live in a high COL area where renting rooms is quite expensive. It is not uncommon for kids to stay at home when the area has a very high COL and moving out is not feasible. In places like the SF Bay Area, even singles in the tech sector have roommates. It is unrealistic to expect someone on a grocery store salary to be able to pay market rent for a room.

That said, she should contribute a reasonable amount to the household expenses. Perhaps if that happens, she’d consider trying to move up in her career or looking for a higher paying job. It is easy enough to be complacent when everything is free.
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Old 10-03-2019, 05:29 AM
 
145 posts, read 461,174 times
Reputation: 86
Hi

Yes she has plans to get married with her boyfriend and they want to buy a house soon too. I would say within a year.

Pat
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Old 10-03-2019, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,737 posts, read 18,044,986 times
Reputation: 43591
Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux View Post
Hi

Yes she has plans to get married with her boyfriend and they want to buy a house soon too. I would say within a year.

Pat
If her income is so low that she can't afford an apartment unless it is in a bad area of town with four room mates how in the world is she going to come up with her share of the down payment for a house and be able to contribute to paying a mortgage every month? Will she know how to handle all the cooking, cleaning, household chores, paying utilities, handyman fixes & house & lawn maintenance, budgeting that is needed when you own a house?

Frankly, she sounds pretty naïve about money and household responsibilities (unless there is more to the story).

Last edited by germaine2626; 10-03-2019 at 08:02 AM..
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Old 10-03-2019, 08:15 AM
 
12,495 posts, read 6,969,918 times
Reputation: 13569
Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux View Post
Hi

Yes she has plans to get married with her boyfriend and they want to buy a house soon too. I would say within a year.

Pat
Then this problem will resolve itself.
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