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Old 09-29-2019, 08:34 AM
 
136 posts, read 454,689 times
Reputation: 71

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Hi

Me and my wife are in our early 50's, very happily married for 26 years. We own a cozy little house in Georgia which is paid for, have had great jobs for the last 20 years and have 2 dogs.
We have a 26 Y.O. daughter which I would like to have opinions from you.
My daughter when graduated from high school refused to go to college and wanted to start working. We tried everything to have her go to college to no avail.
She got hired in a grocery store ever since. She is a good employee and never miss a day at work. She does not do drugs, drinks moderately and has never been arrested as she is a law abiding citizen. She is not a bad person.
My daughter has been in a serious relationship for the last 2 years with a very serious young man. We really like that guy. He is kind, hard working and very good with money.
Our daughter at 26 still lives with us, in fact she lives half and half at our place and his. We don't charge her anything for rent, food and utilities.
Here is what gets to my nerves. She doesn't do anything around the house. We have to tell her everything just like when she was 8 Y.O.
"Please set up the dinner table", "Please take the garbage out", "Please feed the dogs" and so on...
Most of the time it's me saying it not my wife.
I find my wife very weak with her and she will do everything for her, I am not as easy going.
My wife had double knee replacement surgery a month ago and is in pain most of the time and she will get up and cook dinner and serve it to her while she sits on the couch on her phone non stop.
She will not turn the lights off or her TV when she gets out of rooms for an extended period of time. She will often forget to rinse the bathtub after a bath and so on...
One day with her old boyfriend she had a fight with him she told us. We asked what append?
She said he got to her about not turning TV's and lights off when she is in another room. So apparently it's not just me. She is on a cloud it seems, not taking responsibilities beside at her job.
She told us she does not pay anything with her boyfriend either.
Worse for me, she has a sharp mouth and I bite my tongue quite often. I have had a medical condition which creates quite a bit of pain and still work 50-60 hours a week to provide for my family. She would never tell me "How are you feeling dad?", "Feel better dad" and so on.
We don't fight at all her and me but we are not close at all. She is closer to my wife which will listen to her for hours just replying "Yes I agree", "oh yes indeed".
I tell my wife often that she should help wake her up to the real world, that even if she is our kid and we love her, she has to start pulling her weight more.
Every so often I tell my wife to talk to her about all these things. So for 2 days my daughter helps then she stops.
I know well that my wife is afraid of loosing her baby for good. That she slams the door and say good-bye for good. I do not see that happening at all as there are really no big problems between us.
Just yesterday my wife told me she would talk to her. I replied no that I will talk to her myself this time.
I will tell her everything I wrote above and that from now on she is going to have to pay $100/week for rent/food and utilities.
What do you all think? Am I being too hard with her? Is my wife too weak? I am going to wait for feedback here prior to talk to her.

Thanks for your time

Pat
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Old 09-29-2019, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,782 posts, read 43,240,136 times
Reputation: 86721
Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux View Post
Hi

Me and my wife are in our early 50's, very happily married for 26 years. We own a cozy little house in Georgia which is paid for, have had great jobs for the last 20 years and have 2 dogs.
We have a 26 Y.O. daughter which I would like to have opinions from you.
My daughter when graduated from high school refused to go to college and wanted to start working. We tried everything to have her go to college to no avail.
She got hired in a grocery store ever since. She is a good employee and never miss a day at work. She does not do drugs, drinks moderately and has never been arrested as she is a law abiding citizen. She is not a bad person.
My daughter has been in a serious relationship for the last 2 years with a very serious young man. We really like that guy. He is kind, hard working and very good with money.
Our daughter at 26 still lives with us, in fact she lives half and half at our place and his. We don't charge her anything for rent, food and utilities.
Here is what gets to my nerves. She doesn't do anything around the house. We have to tell her everything just like when she was 8 Y.O.
"Please set up the dinner table", "Please take the garbage out", "Please feed the dogs" and so on...
Most of the time it's me saying it not my wife.
I find my wife very weak with her and she will do everything for her, I am not as easy going.
My wife had double knee replacement surgery a month ago and is in pain most of the time and she will get up and cook dinner and serve it to her while she sits on the couch on her phone non stop.
She will not turn the lights off or her TV when she gets out of rooms for an extended period of time. She will often forget to rinse the bathtub after a bath and so on...
One day with her old boyfriend she had a fight with him she told us. We asked what append?
She said he got to her about not turning TV's and lights off when she is in another room. So apparently it's not just me. She is on a cloud it seems, not taking responsibilities beside at her job.
She told us she does not pay anything with her boyfriend either.
Worse for me, she has a sharp mouth and I bite my tongue quite often. I have had a medical condition which creates quite a bit of pain and still work 50-60 hours a week to provide for my family. She would never tell me "How are you feeling dad?", "Feel better dad" and so on.
We don't fight at all her and me but we are not close at all. She is closer to my wife which will listen to her for hours just replying "Yes I agree", "oh yes indeed".
I tell my wife often that she should help wake her up to the real world, that even if she is our kid and we love her, she has to start pulling her weight more.
Every so often I tell my wife to talk to her about all these things. So for 2 days my daughter helps then she stops.
I know well that my wife is afraid of loosing her baby for good. That she slams the door and say good-bye for good. I do not see that happening at all as there are really no big problems between us.
Just yesterday my wife told me she would talk to her. I replied no that I will talk to her myself this time.
I will tell her everything I wrote above and that from now on she is going to have to pay $100/week for rent/food and utilities.
What do you all think? Am I being too hard with her? Is my wife too weak? I am going to wait for feedback here prior to talk to her.

Thanks for your time

Pat
This thread really should be about your relationship with your wife. She's enabling this situation in order to placate her own emotional needs.

This "failure to launch" situation didn't happen overnight, and it won't be resolved to your liking overnight. You need serious family counseling because if you decide to set down rules and force your adult daughter to comply by paying rent, helping out or moving out, your wife AND your daughter will revolt against you, and it will be ugly and painful.

What would you ideally like to see happen here?
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Old 09-29-2019, 08:57 AM
 
136 posts, read 454,689 times
Reputation: 71
I would like for my daughter to help us as she does not pay for anything.

Thanks for your time

Pat
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Old 09-29-2019, 09:00 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,782 posts, read 43,240,136 times
Reputation: 86721
Quote:
Originally Posted by vaindioux View Post
I would like for my daughter to help us as she does not pay for anything.

Thanks for your time

Pat
I think you would benefit from reading this article:

https://www.empoweringparents.com/ar...ing-agreement/

And this one has a sample contract you can get her to sign:

https://www.heraldtribune.com/news/2...-this-contract
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Old 09-29-2019, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,676 posts, read 17,944,612 times
Reputation: 43364
I'll share what a mature, responsible daughter does while they live at home. Our daughter moved home (partly because she couldn't find a professional job in her HCOL city and partly to help with her disabled father). Typically, she did her own laundry, did her own grocery shopping (paid for it out of her own money), did her own cooking and did more than half of the household chores and cleaning (without being asked). She also helped with various caregiving activities with her dad. This was in addition to her full time job. I was also working full time.

After her dad had a traumatic brain injury and was in and out of the hospital, Daughter really amped up her help. While continuing to work full time she took over all of the family laundry, all the cleaning & household chores, all the grocery shopping, all of her cooking and most of my cooking and helped from 10 to 20 hours a week with caregiving (when her dad was out of the hospital). BTW, I didn't have to ask her to do those things she did them on her own as her contribution to the family (she was not paying rent).

How did we raise such a responsible daughter? She had chores and responsibilities, as a family member, since she was a child. Also, she had lived on her own in apartments and ran her own life for several years before she moved home. She understood everything that needed to be done to keep a household running smoothly.

IMHO, your daughter needs to start "pulling her own weight" as a contributing member of the family and stop acting like a lazy tween. I would give her an ultimatum and a deadline and if she doesn't follow through ask her to leave (insist that she leave). You are enabling her and keeping her as a child by not expecting her to share in the household responsibilities.

Even if she starts paying $100 a week (which is quite low) she still should be responsible for her share of cleaning. If she lived in an apartment (or with her BF) would she just expect them to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry? A roommate would kick her out very quickly if she didn't do her share of the joint housework.
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Old 09-29-2019, 12:46 PM
 
136 posts, read 454,689 times
Reputation: 71
Germaine

Thanks so much for the detailed answer. You seem to understand what I am going through. I just had another talk with my wife and she agrees with me for the most part.
We are going to have a serious talk with her and see what happens (I will be included in the talk this time as usually I have my wife do it).

Thanks so much

Pat
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Old 09-29-2019, 02:47 PM
 
1,183 posts, read 324,056 times
Reputation: 2099
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I'll share what a mature, responsible daughter does while they live at home. Our daughter moved home (partly because she couldn't find a professional job in her HCOL city and partly to help with her disabled father). Typically, she did her own laundry, did her own grocery shopping (paid for it out of her own money), did her own cooking and did more than half of the household chores and cleaning (without being asked). She also helped with various caregiving activities with her dad. This was in addition to her full time job. I was also working full time.

After her dad had a traumatic brain injury and was in and out of the hospital, Daughter really amped up her help. While continuing to work full time she took over all of the family laundry, all the cleaning & household chores, all the grocery shopping, all of her cooking and most of my cooking and helped from 10 to 20 hours a week with caregiving (when her dad was out of the hospital). BTW, I didn't have to ask her to do those things she did them on her own as her contribution to the family (she was not paying rent).

How did we raise such a responsible daughter? She had chores and responsibilities, as a family member, since she was a child. Also, she had lived on her own in apartments and ran her own life for several years before she moved home. She understood everything that needed to be done to keep a household running smoothly.

IMHO, your daughter needs to start "pulling her own weight" as a contributing member of the family and stop acting like a lazy tween. I would give her an ultimatum and a deadline and if she doesn't follow through ask her to leave (insist that she leave). You are enabling her and keeping her as a child by not expecting her to share in the household responsibilities.

Even if she starts paying $100 a week (which is quite low) she still should be responsible for her share of cleaning. If she lived in an apartment (or with her BF) would she just expect them to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry? A roommate would kick her out very quickly if she didn't do her share of the joint housework.
I think this is key. I don't think the OP's daughter has made the mental transition from childhood/family home to adult cohabitating in her parent's home. I had this issue with my daughter and I had to remind her that we enjoyed having her in our home but it was our home and we are entitled to make changes that work for us.

OP, I think you should explain that since she is now a mature adult, you expect her to contribute as she would sharing space with roommates. She shouldn't expect the same privileges from parents that are given to a child living at home. What you propose sounds reasonable.
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Old 09-29-2019, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Washington state
5,589 posts, read 2,892,304 times
Reputation: 17089
When I was growing up, my mom was a stay-at-home mom and did all the housework because she preferred it that way. It was something I never questioned.

When I went home on vacation I again never questioned doing anything. My mom still would have told me she'd prefer to do things herself, but I could have at least offered. I also could have offered some payment in return for the extra food my parents had to buy, but I didn't because it never occurred to me. It amazes and embarrasses me today that I could have been so obtuse about that.

What I'm trying to point out is that for kids, living at home is a very familiar thing and what you grow up with is what you expect it to always be based on the past. Sometimes you have to really shake up a person to make them see their comfortable living situation through new eyes. And when you do, it may still take a lot to make them accept their living situation is now different from what it was 10 or 15 years ago.

I think that in this case you may come across some strong resistance to anything changing, so be prepared for that. This sounds like it's going to be like breaking a decades old habit for your daughter and it's one she probably doesn't want to break. You might even want to talk to a therapist about how to set up the rules, what constitutes breaking them, the penalties, and the ultimate goal. Because if your wife starts backing off on what you want to do (and it sounds like she might), you're going to need someone in your corner to back you up.

But to start with, I'd have a plan. List everything you want to say and what you think will be her responses and what you will say in return. List the things you think will happen and have a plan for what you'll do when that happens. Think the whole thing through as much as you can and at least you'll have somewhat of a guide to follow. That can help a lot. You're planning a campaign to change your daughter's attitude about living at home. Think of it like that.
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Old 09-29-2019, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,676 posts, read 17,944,612 times
Reputation: 43364
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie104 View Post
I think this is key. I don't think the OP's daughter has made the mental transition from childhood/family home to adult cohabitating in her parent's home. I had this issue with my daughter and I had to remind her that we enjoyed having her in our home but it was our home and we are entitled to make changes that work for us.

OP, I think you should explain that since she is now a mature adult, you expect her to contribute as she would sharing space with roommates. She shouldn't expect the same privileges from parents that are given to a child living at home. What you propose sounds reasonable.
That is an excellent point. A friend of mine and her 28 year old son live together in the condo that she owns. They live together as "room mates" and they treat it like a friend/friend or room mate/room mate situation and not as a mother/son living together situation.

He pays rent and half the utilities. They each do their own laundry, they each do their own grocery shopping and own cooking. Occasionally he will make enough food for both of them and they eat together and occasionally she does that, too. They share the cleaning. A couple times a month they go out to dinner together or play board games or go to a movie or do something social together (just like room mates might do).

She describes it as a win/win situation for both of them. They enjoy each others company and living expenses are cheaper for them. She says that for now it is working out well but, if either of them started seriously dating it could get awkward.
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Old 09-29-2019, 05:44 PM
 
869 posts, read 280,176 times
Reputation: 2356
I would give her a time line to move out so she can be a responsible adult.
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