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Old 04-21-2008, 06:42 AM
 
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I am in the middle of a divorce and have a 10 year old son. He would like to live with me. At what age can my son choose to live with?
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Old 04-21-2008, 06:59 AM
 
Location: Maryland's 6th District.
8,358 posts, read 25,146,515 times
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To my knowledge, a ten year old child has no say in the matter and would go with the parent that a judge deems the most fit to raise a child.

I am willing to bet some serious money that your ten year old son would like to live with both parents.

Ask this in the Parenting forum.
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Old 04-21-2008, 08:35 AM
 
Location: Sunrise County ~Maine
1,698 posts, read 3,319,413 times
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I believe it's 12 for the child has the say, but "normal" judges do the best for the child. Children are honest and say what is in their hearts and it shows through.

When my oldest was 7 her father and I got divorced. We were granted to be together. I was her mom and judge did what he thought was good for her.

I'm thinking of you, divorces can be so scary when there are children involved. (all the best for the best decision)



Now... this is my story for later on after the divorce ( please remember this is a rare happening so only take this as that. It was something that happened with us and I hope you don't mind I share)

My new husband and I got married almost 2 years later. Sarah seemed to enjoy a figure in her life that was happy, helpful and there. During that time prior to the marriage my ex strayed from visits or calls and they all ended shortly after my new marriage.

Her dad never came for visits or called anymore. Holidays came and went and nothing. She even went to have her tonsils out and he never called or saw her. I gave up all the extra things I did to keep him up to date about her. I was tired of doing my part and was doing what he use to do when we were married. He's a very him him him kind of man.

He's a grown man... he could call to find out her report card and things so I stopped requesting them to be sent to him from schools.
Contact was broken from a man who lived only 14 miles away.

I spent the next 3 years telling her it's not her it's him, and he's missing out on a great little girl.

One evening she came to me when she was almost 14 and asked if she could take her step fathers name. Steve was so proud, he didn't expect it, and we supported her and was happy to do what we could.

I told her if that's what she wanted, I would help her in any way I could.

So when the court date arrived..( by that time she was 14.5 years old) The judge was the meanest person in that position I had EVER met!!

My lawyer (he had to do the speaking for me since I can not handle speaking to my ex, he's a very over powering person and I am "meek".)

Sarah got to speak on why she wanted this. She wanted to feel like she belonged and she wanted to share her sisters last name too. She also finished by saying,
"I think it would be really cool to have their last name as mine."

So the judge was belittling the lawyer on the matter and her too. He said Sarah's reasonings of "it would be really cool to have our last name", was to0 childish.

Even thou we went over the fact that the last visit was Sept 2002, but the judge said that the child needs her father in her life.
I thought he had drifted off to the fact we had "pointed out abandonment on his part for 4 yrs."

My daughter was so upset she said, I hate him. He's not in my life and he has this power. How dare he have say. He doesn't know me. He doesn't no my favorite things, my friends, my fears.
I started to cry. I felt so bad, like I had let her down. We were very sure that the law was going to be there for her. I had checked into all the resources so I knew that what was being done was correct. So we could say we went into this with our eyes opened.

Sad thing is ,she was not a "kid" like the judge said, she was a young lady looking for belonging and the judge and my ex walked in and crumbled that... and my ex walked out with his smug face on.

Thanks for letting me share.

Tami~peachie
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Old 04-24-2008, 09:44 AM
 
Location: beautiful NC mountains!
904 posts, read 2,863,494 times
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Peachie, Your story broke my heart. I have been divorced since my daughter was 5. Her father had nothing to do with her for the first two years and then wanted to be super dad for the next three or so. At about age 10, the visits became rare. He paid his child support but rarely called and saw her and her older brother for a couple of weeks over the summer and one week at Christmas. Very rarely a long weekend.

Two years ago he moved out of state and now calls maybe once a month and sees them for one week at Christmas. He came to see them last summer for three days when my oldest graduated from High School but no trip to see him over the summer. No plans to this summer either.
My daughter has just turned 16 and last night her step father and I caught her downstairs with her boyfriend. She was fully clothed but he was in his underwear. I am devastated. I feel like her step father and I have done everything to make her feel that we love her. Obviously, it isn't enough. I feel like this is all because her father is not a part of her life. I am at a loss on how to punish her. I know if I tell her Dad he will just blame me and make all our lives hell. Any advise?
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Old 04-26-2008, 07:40 AM
 
1,832 posts, read 5,073,365 times
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It depends on what state you're in. We are in FL and our lawyers have told us there is NO age where the child gets to choose.
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Old 04-26-2008, 08:12 AM
Status: "Mistress of finance and foods." (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
49,960 posts, read 63,265,686 times
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It was 12 in Ohio when my husband's son chose us to live with.
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Old 04-27-2008, 03:28 AM
 
335 posts, read 1,026,503 times
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I got a divorce when my son was 8. I looked into all the state laws of CALIFORNIA and basically found out that while the judge has the last word the child who is over the age of 4 has a say in whom They would like to live with and the judge takes this into consideration when making a decision.
It also has to do with the relationship the child has with both parents and any underlying issues, i.e. ( Domestic abuse, emotional abuse, chemical dependancy, jobs and so forth) and ultimately the decision is based on what is in the best interest of the child. I ended up with sole physical custody with moderate visitation and joint legal custody!
Good luck a divorce is a hard time for anyone and especially difficult when there is a lil one involved!
If you ever need an ear or some advice, feel free to pm me,
DD70
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Old 04-27-2008, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Sunrise County ~Maine
1,698 posts, read 3,319,413 times
Reputation: 1131
Quote:
Originally Posted by DD70 View Post
I got a divorce when my son was 8. I looked into all the state laws of CALIFORNIA and basically found out that while the judge has the last word the child who is over the age of 4 has a say in whom They would like to live with and the judge takes this into consideration when making a decision.DD70
It's always about the child. But, if the man or the woman has nothing to do with a child doesn't be basically become a stranger.. ?
That's my end. I believe if both parents are good parents, mom & dad can't get along at all.. then they have got to put there differences aside and be the best they can. That's always important. But, when you have someone that never is involved ( the STATE of maine takes the money from his check for child support, which is 55.00 a wk.~ that most moms I know say they get lots more. I shrug.. and say I feel guilty for taken 55.00 from a man who doesn't even know his child. When Steve and I do fine adjusting things for her to feel loved and not "abandoned".


Quote:
Originally Posted by VBmom View Post
Peachie, Your story broke my heart. I have been divorced since my daughter was 5. Her father had nothing to do with her for the first two years and then wanted to be super dad for the next three or so. At about age 10, the visits became rare. He paid his child support but rarely called and saw her and her older brother for a couple of weeks over the summer and one week at Christmas. Very rarely a long weekend.

Two years ago he moved out of state and now calls maybe once a month and sees them for one week at Christmas. He came to see them last summer for three days when my oldest graduated from High School but no trip to see him over the summer. No plans to this summer either.
My daughter has just turned 16 and last night her step father and I caught her downstairs with her boyfriend. She was fully clothed but he was in his underwear. I am devastated. I feel like her step father and I have done everything to make her feel that we love her. Obviously, it isn't enough. I feel like this is all because her father is not a part of her life. I am at a loss on how to punish her. I know if I tell her Dad he will just blame me and make all our lives hell. Any advise?
It's not your fault that she's having a this relationship with this boy. Teens are very curious. I told my daughter that sex is more then physical it's extreme emotional power.

Once you have (luvvv) you are going to be over whelmed with this person. My daughter has been seeing a boy for almost 3 yrs and he lives 1.5 hrs away ( they met at camp) when he got his license and she got hers. We talked and discussed the BCP.
I told her I'm not giving permission, but I'm trusting her to make good discusions for herself.
The best thing for her to do is to hold off as long as she can, to build a good relationship with him, making sure hes' the one. Cause once you "give up" that.. you will never get it back.

Talked about babies, and how babies for babies doesn't pull them closer, but drives them far part, because it's stress and kids don't want stress of any kind.

We talk alot, I'm very very gratful. Sometimes there's things I don't really want to know, but I have to take a deep breath and listen. I asked her one day, if she goes that far, would she really tell me? She said, she said she would. I said, Really?... she paused and said yes with a smile. I was surprised.
So know this, ... we were never provided with handbooks on how to raise children. We only know what we have learned and what we may have read. So as long as your there, give love, and support... it's let go some.. and see what happens. That's all we can do.
As far as punishment. You can tell her how disappointed you both are, and that if she was them, what would she think a good punishment would be. Kind of gives an idea how she might of thought it should be handled.
DM me.. let me know how you make out with it. I always need extra advise on raising.
Thanks, and good luck.

Tami~peachie
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Old 04-28-2008, 04:51 PM
 
335 posts, read 1,026,503 times
Reputation: 146
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachie_in_maine View Post
It's always about the child. But, if the man or the woman has nothing to do with a child doesn't be basically become a stranger.. ?
Quote:
Originally Posted by peachie_in_maine View Post
That's my end. I believe if both parents are good parents, mom & dad can't get along at all.. then they have got to put there differences aside and be the best they can. That's always important. But, when you have someone that never is involved ( the STATE of maine takes the money from his check for child support, which is 55.00 a wk.~ that most moms I know say they get lots more. I shrug.. and say I feel guilty for taken 55.00 from a man who doesn't even know his child. When Steve and I do fine adjusting things for her to feel loved and not "abandoned".




It's not your fault that she's having a this relationship with this boy. Teens are very curious. I told my daughter that sex is more then physical it's extreme emotional power.

Once you have (luvvv) you are going to be over whelmed with this person. My daughter has been seeing a boy for almost 3 yrs and he lives 1.5 hrs away ( they met at camp) when he got his license and she got hers. We talked and discussed the BCP.
I told her I'm not giving permission, but I'm trusting her to make good discusions for herself.
The best thing for her to do is to hold off as long as she can, to build a good relationship with him, making sure hes' the one. Cause once you "give up" that.. you will never get it back.

Talked about babies, and how babies for babies doesn't pull them closer, but drives them far part, because it's stress and kids don't want stress of any kind.

We talk alot, I'm very very gratful. Sometimes there's things I don't really want to know, but I have to take a deep breath and listen. I asked her one day, if she goes that far, would she really tell me? She said, she said she would. I said, Really?... she paused and said yes with a smile. I was surprised.
So know this, ... we were never provided with handbooks on how to raise children. We only know what we have learned and what we may have read. So as long as your there, give love, and support... it's let go some.. and see what happens. That's all we can do.
As far as punishment. You can tell her how disappointed you both are, and that if she was them, what would she think a good punishment would be. Kind of gives an idea how she might of thought it should be handled.
DM me.. let me know how you make out with it. I always need extra advise on raising.
Thanks, and good luck.

Tami~peachie
What you stated is very true. My sister went through a similiar situation with her first son (Dad chose not to be involved and relinquished his parental rights) yet was made to pay child support for about a year. She stated that she does want his money and has not sought to track him down.
My thing is if there are issues with the parents they should take it to mediation and work out a visitation schedule but the child in this thread is far too young imo to be seperated from mom and most judges do not favor 50/50 splts since this is often confusing to the younger child.
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Old 11-30-2008, 10:12 PM
 
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well, I`m a 15 year old girl from Ontario, Canada who is at the moment trying to get the same thing figured out. My parents got divorced when I was 11/12 and Ihave lived with my mom since. My dad left us for a little while and I very quickly discovered why my mother had left him. He was somewhat verbally abusive when he drank. He quit drinking when I stopped seeing him and he`s fine with no alcohol. My mother has gotten very neglectful and has been abusive more and more towards my brother and I. I am trying to move in with my dad because I can`t handle my mother anymore. with my dad being better I have successfully been able to see him with no arguments or anything, he`s doing great. When I know a definite answer I will let u know. I have been doing some research and if a child can give a judge some better reasonning than "I like mommy/daddy better" then he/she will give a grant.... unless u come accross a judge who doesn`t always think clearly and deeply about what a child needs/wants to be happy. Good luck.
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