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Old 01-30-2020, 10:20 AM
 
1,299 posts, read 814,557 times
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What is the response of the adults in the room when your daughter said "No!" to the hitting? Did that parent just watch your kid having to defend herself? Did the teacher intervene on the spot? How did they help your daughter in the moment to show her they had her back, so to speak?

First of all, kids need to know that the adults in their life will protect them. They're 3, they're just babies, they are learning. So I'm not suggesting the hitter is a horrible little human, but they need direction in the moment as well. Not waiting until the adults decide to set up a peace offering situation. That's too long after the "crime" to be useful at that age. 3 is not the age of reason!

Montessori is an awesome concept, but the schools vary widely in their application.
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Old 01-30-2020, 01:27 PM
 
Location: The Carolinas
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This could have long-term implications for your daughter if it isn't stopped. Though some "street-learning" SOME, is OK.
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Old 01-30-2020, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,558,485 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bridge781 View Post
Eh I feel like at age 3 kids should know not to hit. My kids are 3 and 5 and we haven’t had to deal with hitting in school on either side. So the mom here has reason to be mad.
I agree.

Hitting was not a regular part of preschool for my 3 kids, and if anything did happen it was handled by the teachers.
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Old 01-30-2020, 05:33 PM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,192,675 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by musicfamly5 View Post
Don't settle for it, as much as your daughter might view this playmate as a "friend" this could be another lesson for her that not everyone deserves to be our friend. The teachers need to understand that this is unacceptable and if the behavior isn't worked on (with the parents help) then maybe see about changing classes or schools. I really wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child there if she's constantly having to defend herself or be in an environment were hitting/violence is so passively addressed by the guardians.
I agree that it might be helpful to explain to your daughter that just because someone says they are your "friend" doesn't mean it is true or that you put up with such behavior.

You daughter has learned to say "no" which is great - are you also telling her to remove herself from the situation and perhaps to avoid this girl completely? Even to the point of walking the other direction if the girl approaches?

You should also explain to the teachers that this is what you're trying to have your daughter do in case they are constantly shoving the girls together as a way to MAKE them be friends - that is very unhealthy given the current hitting behavior.
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Old 01-30-2020, 06:13 PM
 
Location: Southern MN
11,907 posts, read 8,227,609 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bridge781 View Post
I would rather go through the school than through a kids parents who I don’t know. If it were really bad I could see going to the parent...but for 3 yr olds hitting it seems like something the teacher should handle. They should be the one to tell the hitters parents. Some parents get very defensive of their kids and it could get ugly.
Tell me about it. I lost a friend when my three-year-old bit her three-year-old on the arm. It was a one-time experiment on my daughter's part. We talked at length about biting people that evening and I even apologized for her behavior (which I'd never do now as I'm experienced enough to know I can't control other peoples' behavior.)

One typical three-year-old behavior and it went unforgiven. Sad. But maybe never getting to play with her friend again helped reinforce that nothing good comes from biting your playmates.

I called my mom for advice. She laughed and said I'd bitten her friend's son on the nose. Naw. Couldn't be true.
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Old 01-30-2020, 06:48 PM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,729 posts, read 6,090,199 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GingerElla View Post
I picked this school because of their approach to learning - giving the child time and the atmosphere to focus and go deeper into activities. And I do like the peace token idea of resolving conflict. I’m just wondering, what the limits are, and if I pull her out, am I giving her the wrong message that I don’t think she can stand up for herself? I want her to be strong and resilient. When is it too much, though?
If your adult friend was being hit by someone, how many times would you tell her was enough?

Both children wanting to play with the same toy is a conflict. Both children wanting to sit next to the same child at snack is a conflict. One child hitting another isn't a conflict that one needs to buy their way out of. Getting hit isn't anything a 3 year old needs to work out for themselves.

Just to be clear - I'm not saying this other child is a monster, or should be shunned. It's a fairly common behavioral problem. It's just not a problem that another child has to solve or suffer through. That's on the adults.
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Old 01-30-2020, 06:53 PM
 
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An adult, preferably parent or teacher, needs to get down to this child's face and say firmly and authoritatively "NO! We do not hit each other."

Immediately after the incident, in front of your daughter.

What kind of silly adults are running this school?

I would not allow this child to be near my daughter.

Peace offering? Please.
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Old 01-30-2020, 07:57 PM
 
35,512 posts, read 17,684,673 times
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This is complicated.

I do agree that kids can be rough and tumble, and one kid pushing another is kind of to be expected, when they're preschoolers.

But this has gone on too long. This one girl made your daughter not want to go to school, and then you invited her over to forge a friendship and now this girl has bruised your daughter by hitting her with an object.

If none of the other kids are being pushed around and bullied, it's likely the other parents don't care enough to raise a stink, so that's not happening, because your daughter is absorbing all the violence this child is dishing out.

I think it's time for a heart to heart with the school admin. This is the sort of thing, OP, that I regret not acting on when my now adult sons were little. This is too much for her to endure, without adults stopping the problem.
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Old 02-01-2020, 06:50 AM
 
7,568 posts, read 4,111,256 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GingerElla View Post
I don’t think so, no. It’s to let the child know how you feel when you are hit. It’s to help the other child develop empathy and encourage dialog instead of retaliation. The school says the other child is still developing her empathy ( they’re 3), but I’m just concerned that my child keeps getting hurt. And yet I want her to learn to stand up for herself. Another parent told me she saw my child stand up strongly and say “no!” when she was hit. So that’s good. I want her to know that she’ll encounter people like this all her life but that she can handle it. But how much is too much?
That's great and all but do the children understand these concepts? Those are big messages to be figured out by the children. They learn through modeling by watching every detail.
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Old 02-01-2020, 08:23 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
15,947 posts, read 20,906,769 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GingerElla View Post
My daughter started a new preschool this past September and loved it in the beginning. But she started coming home complaining about being pushed and hit by another little girl. She started resisting going to school. I tried to bolster her confidence letting her know that this should not be happening and telling her to confront the girl and tell her “No!” At the same time I let the school know this was happening. The school tries to encourage the children to work out things by sharing how they feel with the other child and offering a peace token. This helped and I think gave my daughter a sense of confidence and control. We initiated a play date with the other little girl - it turned out she had liked my daughter all along and calls her “her best friend” and apparently that was how she expressed this feeling. However last week, she hit my daughter with an object causing bruising. I’m just wondering, how long do I let this go on? They are 3 going on 4. What is age appropriate? How much do I keep expecting and encouraging my daughter to handle it with the other child?
So everyone is saying to let the school handle it in the moment. My question is this only happening at school or did it also occur during the play date? Where was your daughter when she was hit with the object?
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