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Old 04-29-2008, 09:24 AM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,420 posts, read 25,546,978 times
Reputation: 4161

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Leave it up to her once again! It drives me up the wall! We have family and friends coming into town for my daughter's graduation tomorrow. I've told her repeadily over the past week that she needs to have her room cleaned by Sunday. It didn't get cleaned. So last night, Monday, I told her I was going in her room. I know she hates that b/c she says it's invading her privacy. Anyhow, I took all of her stuff and clothes and piled it ever so high on her bed. She came home and saw it and said she f-in hates me. (she never cursed in front of me before) Now she refuses to clean it. I told her if she doesn't clean it I'll put it out to the trash or better yet I'll put it in her car. It's really embarrasing with this mess and company coming. My sister said don't break your back taking the stuff out, just lock her door. Any suggestions?
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Old 04-29-2008, 09:34 AM
 
3,367 posts, read 9,835,728 times
Reputation: 4147
My one and only 'trick' in this situation is to tell her to do it, and keep on stating and repeating the reasons - but stay completely calm and DO NOT rise to her arguments, no matter what she says.

The trick is to just stay calm.

Discuss only the subject in hand and keep repeating yourself, calmly and logically stating facts and reasons. If she argues, you say "As I said before...." and " I have given you my reasons and this is what is going to happen", " I understand you don't feel like it but there is no choice" etc

Staying calm asserts your authority and gravitas far more than getting angry or raising your voice. It makes you sound as if you have made an absolute decision and there is NO discussion. It also means she can back down and do as she is told without losing too much face. So keep saying 'please' BUT DON'T BEG.

You could try a tiny compromise at the end "Now if you make a good start on it I'll come and help you finish later on"...maybe.

One simple punishment should be calmly declared and stuck to (if she refuses to co-operate) - locking the door sounds cool.

Good luck!!
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Old 04-29-2008, 09:38 AM
 
1,363 posts, read 5,326,501 times
Reputation: 847
I say close her door and leave her mess for her, and if she's not going to clean her own room then make sure she helps you clean the rest of the house in preparation for the guests. I get that you want her to clean her room, I really do, but I never understood why moms make a big deal about this if it's just clutter in there. LOL. If she's got dirty dishes and things growing where they shouldn't be in there, then yeah take a hard line, but if it's her clothes and "stuff" laying around, then just close the door. I wouldn't be doing her laundry if she's just letting it lay on the floor-let her do her own, but if her mess isn't making it's way to the rest of the house-I agree with your sister. If anybody asks why her room is a mess, tell them to ask your daughter, it's her room. Maybe other people insinuating that it should be clean will embarass her a little and get her to do it on her own.
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Old 04-29-2008, 09:43 AM
 
Location: ARK-KIN-SAW
3,434 posts, read 8,769,979 times
Reputation: 1574
yea i got a suggestion..take the door off the hinges while she isnt there, and dont say a word. Let everyone see how she keeps her room. (worked for me)
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Old 04-29-2008, 10:17 AM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 8,178,658 times
Reputation: 2770
I have never gotten that invading their privacy thing. WHO pays the rent/makes the payments on that house? As a parent and home owner, you have every right to know what is in that room that is in YOUR house and to set the standard as to what is in there and how it is kept.

I would tell mine to clean their room. The next day I would go in there with a garbage bag and bag up everything I found on the floor and it would go out in the trash. I assure you, it don't take but once or twice for them to learn! They never use that invasion of privacy thing on me bacause they knew if they did, there would be no door for them to shut just to prove my point.

In todays world, just look how many lives would have been saved if parents had investigated what was in their teens room. Lives were spared recently when a parent found what was in their childs room and called the police. Those were real PARENTS!

I realize that is an extreme situation that does not apply to this situation but that invasion of privacy thing and parents that buy it to me, are people that are failing to do their job as a parent.
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Old 04-29-2008, 10:26 AM
 
28,906 posts, read 44,985,113 times
Reputation: 45768
First thing's first. It's not HER room. It's YOUR room, because you pay the mortgage on the house. She just happens to dwell in that room. When she has her own place that she pays for, then it becomes her room. And not one second before.

Second, law down the law. You're having company to YOUR house, and you expect all rooms in the house to be tidy. If she does not have the room clean by tonight, tell her that you're going through the room the next day and you'll start throwing out anything that isn't nailed down. And then do it.

Third, you need to realize that it's not all her fault. If she's gotten to this point in life, it has been with your acquiescence. It's going to be really hard to break her of being a slob at this point, especially since you've enabled her all these years.
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Old 04-29-2008, 10:29 AM
 
Location: Kansas
3,855 posts, read 11,418,687 times
Reputation: 1705
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
Leave it up to her once again! It drives me up the wall! We have family and friends coming into town for my daughter's graduation tomorrow. I've told her repeadily over the past week that she needs to have her room cleaned by Sunday. It didn't get cleaned. So last night, Monday, I told her I was going in her room. I know she hates that b/c she says it's invading her privacy. Anyhow, I took all of her stuff and clothes and piled it ever so high on her bed. She came home and saw it and said she f-in hates me. (she never cursed in front of me before) Now she refuses to clean it. I told her if she doesn't clean it I'll put it out to the trash or better yet I'll put it in her car. It's really embarrasing with this mess and company coming. My sister said don't break your back taking the stuff out, just lock her door. Any suggestions?
Our oldest child (10) has always had issues with keeping her area tidy. We tell her to clean it. She'll go in there and just pick up her clothes or go in there and watch TV. She never does it the first time around. And it's particularly hard when we've got people coming and have to put a date on when it needs to be clean. It's a problem of motivation. What's in it for her? She's doesn't get anything out of it accept for a cleaner room. For some people that's enough but if she can live in the mess then it's all the same to her.

There is no trick. You have to just go in there and work on it with her. Privacy or no it's still YOUR house. It's like when I walk through the front gate at work. My employer has the right to search my person or my desk for whatever reason. Your house is not a democracy. You are the dictator and what you say goes.

And you smack that mouth if you hear f_ come out of it. I would have gotten the beating of my lifetime if I would have said that to my parents when I was living under their roof.
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Old 04-29-2008, 10:29 AM
 
3,698 posts, read 9,947,039 times
Reputation: 2592
A friend of mine kept his room spotless - if his room wasn't clean, his dad would dump EVERYTHING into a big pile in the floor, even the stuff that was put away in drawers. And the pile would be topped off with the mattress from his bed.

It only had to happen once. I've never known another 13 year old with a spotless room like his.

My dad worked under the assumption that I had too many distractions keeping me from cleaning my room, so to help me out he made sure I wouldn't be tempted by the TV set or by talking to my friends on the phone or even leaving the house to do stuff. You know, just so I could focus on getting my work done. He watched out for me that way.

Shut down her TV access, her computer access, and take her cell phone away until she cleans it. Just to keep her from getting too distracted.
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Old 04-29-2008, 10:34 AM
 
28,906 posts, read 44,985,113 times
Reputation: 45768
Quote:
Originally Posted by sean98125 View Post
A friend of mine kept his room spotless - if his room wasn't clean, his dad would dump EVERYTHING into a big pile in the floor, even the stuff that was put away in drawers. And the pile would be topped off with the mattress from his bed.

It only had to happen once. I've never known another 13 year old with a spotless room like his.

My dad worked under the assumption that I had too many distractions keeping me from cleaning my room, so to help me out he made sure I wouldn't be tempted by the TV set or by talking to my friends on the phone or even leaving the house to do stuff. You know, just so I could focus on getting my work done. He watched out for me that way.

Shut down her TV access, her computer access, and take her cell phone away until she cleans it. Just to keep her from getting too distracted.
Well, that's an extreme example. But you're on target by noting that one cannot enable a child's slovenly ways her entire life and then, suddenly, expect her to be Felix Unger overnight.

It really starts when the child is very young. All children, regardless of age, should be expected to contribute to the housekeeping. Rooms should be picked up, laundry should be in hampers, and common areas should be cleaned and vacuumed.

I think another contributing factor to a lot of these problems stems from allowing children to think of their rooms as their own personal refuges from the family. Privacy is something that gets earned through trust. It is not an inalienable right for children under the age of 18.
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Old 04-29-2008, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Richardson, TX
10,004 posts, read 16,607,811 times
Reputation: 24222
I saw this thread title and was ready to say "Hi, mom!"


I'd take away her car until she does it. That should work, after a little more screaming, followed by the silent treatment.
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