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So I never imagined I’d be in this place in my life and would appreciate any advice. My daughter has never wanted a relationship until now and this boy is emotionally abusive. He’s beaten her down so much that she begs and pleads when he says he’s “done with her”. But he never really does break up with her. It’s such a sick cycle and she always has an excuse for him. Things got so bad she had to be hospitalized and so did he. But now they are talking again . She want listen to me or her best friend. I’ve told him to stay away but he has no respect for me and insists he has every right to see her. He’s 17, she’s 16. I called the police, they called him and told him to have no contact with my daughter or me. But I know the day will come where he will. I’m actually a bit afraid, he has anger issues and hates mothers. There’s no dad in the picture or family member and he knows that. I’m thinking of filing a restraining order. Thoughts? Thank you
Buy a Mossberg 500 or a Remington 870!
Okay, joking aside, dude has gotta GO. If she was my daughter i would honestly do **whatever** it took to keep him away. He's a punk... punks don't get the easy treatment. When she's 18 it's her life, but right now she belongs to you.
Take away everything. Her ipod, her car, her computer, everything. Wake her ass up.
This is seriously misguided. All of those steps will make the parent the enemy and the useless boyfriend the rescuer.
I would get her in touch with your local domestic violence agency. Even if he has not physically abused her yet, these are all signs of abuse that are leading to physical abuse. You can't make her see that by force.
So I never imagined I’d be in this place in my life and would appreciate any advice. My daughter has never wanted a relationship until now and this boy is emotionally abusive. He’s beaten her down so much that she begs and pleads when he says he’s “done with her”. But he never really does break up with her. It’s such a sick cycle and she always has an excuse for him. Things got so bad she had to be hospitalized and so did he. But now they are talking again . She want listen to me or her best friend. I’ve told him to stay away but he has no respect for me and insists he has every right to see her. He’s 17, she’s 16. I called the police, they called him and told him to have no contact with my daughter or me. But I know the day will come where he will. I’m actually a bit afraid, he has anger issues and hates mothers. There’s no dad in the picture or family member and he knows that. I’m thinking of filing a restraining order. Thoughts? Thank you
Well yeah, the girl is dating a violent misogynist bc she doesn't have the respect for herself to date a guy who respects her, or her mother. He's not intimidated by you bc you're female, so if you want to get this guy to back off your daughter you gotta pose a threat to him.
Sorry, there's no other way of dealing w/ people like this. Esp males. If there were a strong male figure in her life, the guy would deal w/ him the way guys do. W/ power. That means if he doesn't respect the girl, he gets beaten to a pulp and threatened w/ violence or a restraining order if he doesn't listen. Idk how things work in your fam, but you gotta get someone to help defend the girl if you can't do it yourself.
She's so young and has a bright future ahead, but she's clinging to this guy like he's all she has to keep her feeling safe and secure. Nope, she needs her family and friends to do that. Get her some protection and preferably mental help if you can.
Sorry if I come off harsh, I just think when it comes to these type of topics you need the cold hard truth and nothing but.
You mentioned she was in counseling. Does she still go? Perhaps it's time to find a counselor that will help her understand healthy relationships or both of you need to go to a few sessions together so you can both express your concerns.
This is really serious stuff, very bad. I think you should have joint counseling sessions with your daughter so that you and the (hopefully female) therapist can help daughter to see what a loser this boy is, how controlling he is, and how dangerous he is. You need her to recognize this pattern when it happens, and to RUN from it the second it starts. This ruins women's lives, and often ENDS their lives. It sounds as if he threatened suicide over your daughter - a huge red flag signaling that she should stay far away from him.
Honestly, if you can get the restraining order, do so. Have her change the password on all her accounts, and block him from them, and block his phone number. Get her to realize how dangerous this is, and then keep her busy and happy. This is a perfect time to get her into something else that will happily engage her - if she always wanted to start horseback riding, or wanted to raise a puppy, or whatever, this is the time to start her in it.
Ask her to spend time with you, doing something you love to do, with the phone turned off. Get her seeing her friends. Ask her to take a little break from "dating", to focus on herself and her friends. Talk with her about what she wants after high school - does she want to go to college? Trade school? Work? Talk about her future, optimistically, and help her to see that the drama with this boy doesn't help her move forward, only keeps her stuck.
Was he placed on an involuntary hold when he was taken to hospital by the police, or was he released after assessment? Either way, was there followup from a social worker or someone in the crisis intervention team? If so, I'm pretty sure they would want to know what's been happening subsequently.
Do they go to the same school? Has any of this happened at school? If so, you can also involve them.
Have you talked to his grandparents at all about this situation?
I agree that it would be a bad idea to take away all her stuff, that's just making you the enemy and pushing her closer to him. I also agree that you need to work with her to change all the passwords, etc.
Have you talked to your daughter about the idea of a restraining order, and if so, what was her response? Does he actually come to your house or is her contact with him always elsewhere? Until you come to a decision about the restraining order, put up No Trespassing signs. That way, if he does come around without your permission and won't leave, the police can at least go ahead and arrest him for trespass. It's a misdemeanor, but becomes a felony if he knowingly won't leave.
Get security cameras and consider signing up for a security service, you'll get a much faster response than with the police. I would not get a gun unless you are prepared to get extensive instruction and practice in how to use it, and you can keep it away from your children. Having a gun in the house triples the likelihood of dying at home from gun violence either by a family member or intimate acquaintance, or by suicide. You are probably better off looking at mace, pepper spray, etc. You both should sign up for self-defence and/or martial arts classes.
To everyone that has responded, I want to say thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart! It’s feels great to know that I’m on point about this, despite the the irrational and abusive comments from this boy. Regardless I can’t really reason with my D. She sees what I’m explaining but excuses it because of his childhood an now he’s saying he’s a changed man. So far I haven’t seen that and know that it takes time to undo what’s set in a lot of ways by 17, and I surely don’t want my D to be the guinea pig. She still wants to see him, she had all these plans for the fall, being to her, her first real Relationship. She put all her happiness eggs in one basket, so she’s depressed. It pains me to see this but they brought it on themselves.
Not sure the OOP Will go through and he was kept in the hospital for 12 days. No social worker of his will talk to me. And the kids say what they know is the right thing. I don’t have a family male, period.
I have you be careful or my D could run off and get married at 17 somewhere. It was a plan, but she’s not talking like that now. Hopefully therapy will help because this time I’m definitely getting someone who is experienced in trauma and can speak to these relationship issues. I will keep posted let me know if you think of anything else thank you
Let me say this when it comes to things like this I am what they call hardcore . I cant say on this forum what i would do to him LOL . But as a person who has a story in my background about my late sister's bf and what he did to us . aka almost killed me and did kill her in her apt. I laid in that apt over several hours begging God to take me to Heaven . Then I got mad and a neighbor heard me banging on the floor with my foot while i was sure I was bleeding to death . Thank God for the neighbor being nosy and looking through the window . She and God saved me that night / morning . If you dont want your daughter to end up like my sister did she had better go to therapy and get right in her head . He is emotionally abusive to her . Do you have a man that can tell him straight out where to stop and get off the crazy train or else you are going to be the conductor ? If not then i suggest you grow a backbone and do it . Second thing arm yourself either with a stun gun or a real one up to you . Dont depend on the law or the police to protect you , will not happen . I thank God every day the man who almost killed me had the good sense to commit suicide .
Good morning, I appreciate your response and am not shy. The police talked to him
but he still talked to her. He doesn’t care. So I am working on a few things. My D is ok and wants therapy so this is good. Every day I have to be on full alert because this boy’s family is gang related so the law means nothing to him. I know I need to move from here. Thanks so much
Your only real option may be to move to a new city, at least for a while. She probably won't want to, but she has no choice.
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. She want listen to me or her best friend. I’ve told him to stay away but he has no respect for me and insists he has every right to see her. He’s 17, she’s 16. I called the police, they called him and told him to have no contact with my daughter or me. But I know the day will come where he will. I’m actually a bit afraid, he has anger issues and hates mothers. There’s no dad in the picture or family member and he knows that. I’m thinking of filing a restraining order. Thoughts? Thank you 
