Parenting help: find babysitter, surrogate family, children, daycare, education.

I_wonder · 01-22-2008, 11:43 AM

Hi,

I wonder did anyone of you went through parenting experience (with spouse or without) alone without any help from families or relatives. Why did it happen to you, and how did you go through that? What would you do differently during that time by what you have known now? Any experience sharing is really appreciated by me.

I feel like need to get some emotional supports from somewhere to prepare myself to go through this.

Me and my husband has no families nor relatives around us, if we have children, all the helps that we have are from either myself or my husband (if he is willing to learn and help, I hope he will).

Please kindly share your experience and any advise. Thanks.

RoaminRed · 01-22-2008, 12:25 PM

You can do it if you want to, it's not that difficult! The worst part will be not having a "free" babysitter. Other than that, I didn't miss not having family support at all. I had my kids at 19 and 21, and neither my (ex)husband's family nor my family were there for us or helped us in any way. His because they couldn't, mine because they wouldn't.

I can't say I really missed them, and I found alternative grandparents for my children so it was no big deal. You can do it!

regarese · 01-22-2008, 01:50 PM

We have a very limited amount of family involvement and sometimes it feels like they are not there at all. RoaminRed is right about the free babysitting being the big letdown. LOL. My family was 10 minutes from us when my daughter was born, and my MIL does not work, and she came by 2 times in the 4 months I was home-never offered any help or anything. Same with my mom. You find surrogate grandparents-my elderly neighbors adore my daughter as do the grandparents of my friend's daughter, and hopefully you'll find people in your community you can trust for when you and your husband might want to go out alone. It's not impossible, and truth be told, I wouldn't have liked all that "help" anyway. I'm a do it myself kinda gal

Lillietta · 01-22-2008, 01:54 PM

I had no relatives involved at all. Just my husband and I and for quite a while he worked long hours - 18 hours a day and I had no car. He happily ran the errands. I was young enough not to think about it - but just do it, though I could get a babysitter if I needed one. I would take the kids to a nearby park every day and our routine was pretty much the same until the weekend when my husband was home.

My daughter is a single mother and the only other person she has to care for my granddaughter is me. It takes up a good amount of time, and we are very close. But it's well-paced time and I am glad to help, though I wish she would have just one other person to help out.

okaydorothy · 01-22-2008, 04:05 PM

We have two boys ; 7 & 9. We have no family here in this country at all so its just dh, me and the boys. Sometimes its hard ; it was hard at my sons communion last year ; all his friends had their grannies, grandpas, uncles, aunts ; it was just the four of us. The boys do comment sometimes that it is lonely without any cousins here to see often.

But on the other hand, its a lot of give and take with my dh and I. Because there is nobody to fall back on, we have to make it work for us and the boys. We try to get home at least once a year ; they are coming here this year so it will be nice to share out home with family.

I am self employed so it was easier when they were younger as I didnt have to bother with daycare a lot. Now they are in school and its also ok. We found a friend of mine to babysit the boys during the day two days a week. Shopping ; the kids came with me. If I had to go to the doctor, they came also.

Its amazing what you can do when you have no choice. I flew home once with the boys when they were under 2. My sister said ; oh , rather you than me. Well actually i love taking them anywhere.

Their teacher summed it up ; she said, yes, they dont have family here, but they get to go to Europe or anywhere you travel to and thats an education in itself and you cannot replace that.

dorothy

I_wonder · 01-23-2008, 06:36 AM

Hi all,

I am in my 33 age, but I haven't felt that I am ready (or my husband) for this parenthood-roles yet. I do worry about being older and not capable to have my own children if I waited too long, but I force myself to think that I want to enjoy my parenthood and I want my children to be happy for being my children, so my priority now is to help myself to save some money and prepare/educate myself to be able to handle this role my own. I would like to learn from those of you, who have gone through parenthood without families helps.

My husband and I have been married for many years, the earlier years, I focused on my graduate studies and he focused on his work. Now, I just begin to build my career, and he trying to pay some of his debts, we try to accumulate our weath to set up a stable life for ourself in the coming years. I started to put one to two hundreds dollars aside to save for my future pregnancy costs and motherhood costs.

My husband and I don't have any relatives or families live near by in this country. Since the beginning of our marriage, we went through a lot of struggles on our own. None of our families gave us any supports but sometimes verbally expressing their discourage-opinion on our marriage union, and the choices that we made (further study, building career in the US ). I wish they choosed to give us blessings and encouragements to warm our heart with family supports/love. Anyway, we depend on our own to go through all our journeys here.

My big concern is how to prepare myself to be capable enough to be a mother without any help from families (I think being a woman required extra abilities [multi-tasking, independent, self-encouragement and self-motivation, sometimes need to help self to be able to educate the spouse to help/support]. The 9-months pregnancy along is a challenge that I need to go through myself. I am not sure how to self-support through that yet).

Any experience sharing and advise is really appreciated by me.

Thanks.

RoaminRed · 01-23-2008, 06:55 AM

I_wonder, just the fact that you are concerned with being prepared means that you are! As far as being pregnant goes, don't think of it as a problem, it's an experience. If you worry about it, then you're not doing yourself or your kid any good. So sit back, relax, and enjoy. Look at it this way -- people have been doing this for tens of thousands of years, it's nothing new or unusual. You'll be fine!

collected_eve · 01-23-2008, 10:46 AM

It is a letdown when you have no family to be there for you during good & hard times while parenting. And not just for the 'free babysitting.'

I lived in Illinois, 5 min. from my dad. Never saw him during my pregnancy or the first 6 months of my son's life. My sister also lived very close, never saw her either. My family is a bit bitter over lots of hardships that we have faced, which all families have hardships.

We moved to Missouri then to Arizona to be closer to my husbands parents. After knowing his mother for about a week, she made it very clear that she was not a babysitter & if we needed a sitter for whatever reason we would have to give her at least a month's notice. It was upsetting & not b'c of free babysitting, but b'c it made me feel like she didn't want to just spend time with her grandson on her own. And the truth is....she doesn't.

So, my husband & I have done all on our own for almost 5 years now. Don't get me wrong, when there is an emergency (kid sick at school, working late, etc.) it would be nice to have someone to lean on. Good friends are always a benefit, but as in our case, we haven't made any here in AZ.

There is always a way in every situation. No matter what pops up.

5FLgirls · 01-23-2008, 12:48 PM

You just deal with the hand you're dealt. Lots of people have family support and love or it annoys them. Others of us don't have any assistance but find a way to make it work. I have four small children and no family or friends where we've moved to. My husband is not around very much so I always have to find different ways to juggle everything. As long as you're focused, it will be fine. The biggest hiccup I've found is when I was recently very ill. I didn't have a way to pick my children up from school (scary, actually) and I freaked out for almost two hours before my husband came through for me. That kind of stuff is stressful but it's a lot of what okaydorothy mentioned -- you have to juggle with your spouse and find a way to make it work. And finding a good group of friends (especially when your baby is young because you're all in the same boat trying to figure parenthood out) is very helpful as well as a babysitter.

Sampaguita · 01-23-2008, 01:28 PM

I answered you on the other thread but wanted to reiterate that you need to think of you & your husband AS your family and not linger on your relatives' lack of support.

When you become parents, you are building your family and you really can't rely on anyone else - a lot of people raise their children without family help.

The fact that neither of DH or I have family close by did not stop us from trying to have children. My family lives clear across the country and they will not be moving near us when our twins arrive - they have their own life there. It will be difficult but it's just the way it is.

If you REALLY want to have children, I would not let not having family around stop or scare you. I know that in many cultures, raising children is done with the help of extended family but in the US, that's not necessarily so and people find a way to make it work.

Good luck to you!