Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We all try to do our best with what we have at the time. No experience is wasted - even a trashy clingy girlfriend.
I would say continue emphasizing the good aspects, and introduce positive statements where you can.
I have been helped with affirmations morning and evening, and even self-hypnosis confidence tapes, but that might not be suitable in these circumstances. Generally, I think we forget how we are all connected and folks pick up on subtle signs from others. If you are worried about him and his future, try to think positive thoughts and see positive outcomes for him and things will work out OK.
The work may end up being really good for his self esteem and be of help to him if he does go back to college. College isn't for everyone. Not that anyone can have too much education, but he may thrive in a different environment. We can't all be the same.
Re: the bolded, what is your problem with that? Confident girls have been the savior of shy boys forever. From what you've written, these girls don't measure up to your standards, but you haven't said why.
I would understand if your son was unhappy, but that doesn't seem to be the case. These are very young adults, finding their way. I think you need to back off and let it happen.
This is not happy: “if I can make her happy, it doesn’t really matter how I feel.”
This is unhealthy.
I think I can tell the difference between girls he feels excited about and girls he is going out with because he is desperate. Desperation is unhealthy.
I wish it were different, honestly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist
The work may end up being really good for his self esteem and be of help to him if he does go back to college. College isn't for everyone. Not that anyone can have too much education, but he may thrive in a different environment. We can't all be the same.
That’s what I hope too. . Thank you for the kind comment.
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 05-01-2021 at 10:22 PM..
Allow me to present the opposite side's view: I (male, straight) was someone who once dated the first girl who showed interest.
I didn't date in high school. Why? My high school had a very strong car culture, and I didn't have one, which meant I was SOL dating-wise. Plus, I probably fell short of the looks the girls wanted, although that's less likely. I ended up buying a crappy used car for a few grand after graduation, with the money I earned at jobs and the graduation windfall I got.
Then college started. A few weeks later, a girl showed interest in me, and liked the fact that I had car. I didn't find her attractive, and as I later learned, had little in common with her. She vetoed nearly every date idea I tried to plan, even museums, which I thought were fun date ideas. We had a shared interest in the city zoo, on-campus sports games, and sushi, but that's about it. And she wasn't big on hugs, holdings hands, and other affections. Not a good first dating/relationship experience!
But since I never went on a real date before, let alone had a girlfriend, I jumped at the chance like a starving seal on a school of fish. (I went on mixed-company outings in high school, but not a one-on-one date.) From the get-go, the relationship felt lacking. First off, there was the elephant in the room that I wasn't physically attracted to her. Second, she insisted on being driven everywhere, even in the gridlocked downtown where a reasonable Chicagoan would ride the CTA. (In her defense, she was from Nebraska, a region with awful public transit, and just couldn't be convinced.) I also felt like I had to pay for her restaurant meals. At least she pitched in for the $20+ parking, a big ding in the budget for a college student, and started agreeing to walk for under 30 minutes. But since I felt so happy to have a date for on-campus events, as well as get my first kiss, that I viewed the tedious parts as sacrifices I was required to make.
What was the lesson learned? Desperation leads to unpleasant relationships. (Well, duh! ) At the same time, as a song lyric goes, "It has to start somewhere! / It has to start sometime! / What better place than here? / What better time than now?" Sometimes, for someone who's inexperienced, a mildly unpleasant b ut otherwise non-abusive relationship can be a good learning experience. More so for men, who derive a bigger part of their self-esteem from attracting the opposite sex, than for women.
He told me today that she is the only other person he knows not going to college next year.
I told him, when he was not eager to apply to 4 year schools, and again when he decided on the “gap year”/work, that it was going to be very hard at the end of the year when all the other seniors were discussing college and where they were off to, etc. So that is it, he feels not intimidated by her and they are like “losers” together. (Not my words).
The terrible part is he is not a loser, not even close. When you are 18 and your boss trusts you to put together a creative project for one of the world’s biggest tech companies, you are very much not a loser.
The problem is of course that he is currently in a very academic environment when he is not only not academic, but also pursuing a very creative arts centered field.
I reminded him again that he can see how work goes, and he can still go to college if he wants to, next January or the following fall, but he can take some time to assess and see how things go. Lots of kids take gap years, and in many cases it makes them better applicants and better students when they do eventually go. Or maybe he will thrive in the creative work environment and that will be OK too.
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 05-02-2021 at 10:04 PM..
The girl wrote us a letter. She loves him and wants to marry him. They have never actually had a real date. I honestly am concerned about her mental well being. He does not return her affection to the same degree.
I am not responding to the letter. My son feels trapped. He does not want to be in this position and also doesn’t want to hurt her.
Wrote "us" a letter. As in it was addressed to you? Does she have a relationship with you? Why would it be addressed to you? Or it was addressed to your son.
Wrote "us" a letter. As in it was addressed to you? Does she have a relationship with you? Why would it be addressed to you? Or it was addressed to your son.
“Dear Mr. and Mrs. So and So...”
It was written to my husband and myself, about how much she loves him. No, we have no relationship with her.
Not sure why you would doubt what I’m saying.
ETA: yes I know this is kinda odd; that’s why I’m posting
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 05-05-2021 at 06:30 PM..
I just was asking, trying to understand why someone would address a love note to the boy's parents rather than the boy himself. It definitely seemed odd which was why I wondered if maybe you somehow knew her (from church, from school.)
If your son feels uncomfortable, perhaps he should take a copy of the note to the school counselors/admin and ask them to do a mutual stay away agreement. Usually both parties sign off agreeing to no further contact. Do they have classes together?
I just was asking, trying to understand why someone would address a love note to the boy's parents rather than the boy himself. It definitely seemed odd which was why I wondered if maybe you somehow knew her (from church, from school.)
If your son feels uncomfortable, perhaps he should take a copy of the note to the school counselors/admin and ask them to do a mutual stay away agreement. Usually both parties sign off agreeing to no further contact. Do they have classes together?
It is super odd.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. Thank you for the kind comment.
