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Time for them to GO. Not even kidding. Certainly you've heard the expression 'what you subsidize, you get more of.'
Or, if you just can't bear to kick them out, at a minimum they should be pulling their weight by paying for rent, food, utilities, etc.
You are enabling them.
You can not control them but that does not mean that you have to be trapped in the cycle of enabling your kids to be so self destructive.
If they are living in your house, tell them that drinking and smoking is not allowed in your house or on your property. If they are driving your cars, take their keys away. If they need to get to school they can take the bus. If they need to go to work, you can offer to drive them to/from. But no way are you going to do anything that helps them buy cigarettes, vape supplies or alcohol. They can forget that. Stop giving them money. Period.
I highly doubt that these kids are anywhere near self supporting. They are dependent on you and, as such, need to understand that you will help them to lead healthy and productive lives but you will not help them do self destructive things.
That’s ridiculous, every working adult aside from the few I know who practice intentional sobriety have time to drink and smoke, etc.
Please don’t act like adulthood means every single minute is spent working.
I support myself and have money for going to dinner for Mexican and margs and buying cannabis.
You are confusing responsible recreation with literally sitting around on the couch all day long smoking/drinking with lack of ambition to do anything.
I drank heavily throughout college. Never drugs, but alcohol binge drinking at least 4 days a week. Looking back, not exactly my proudest years.
That being said, I don't really regret any of it. I got all the partying out of my system at a young age and now have a beautiful family and do pretty well for myself as an entrepreneur. And now, I hardly drink at all.
As a parent, I wouldn't be enabling the behavior financially. But if they are still doing well in school I also wouldn't fret too much.
OP can't determine if they're using outside the house? She can't stop them from using but she can stop supporting them while they are. I'm not saying she should, necessarily but you sound like a bit of a @(#*$@ss. It's fine for you but THEY aren't working, etc. etc. so their situation sounds a bit different than yours.
I mean sure she can logically deduce that her kids are using when they aren’t at home under her roof but what I’m saying is when they venture out into the public they’re held to the laws of their state and country not their rules at home. My mom hasn’t ever really liked the fact that I smoke and in the beginning she told me no smoking and it was a definite no-no at or around the house. I was 21, I was old enough. I smoked at my ex’s place, his parents, the disc golf course in the trees because I wasn’t at home my moms rule of no smoking didn’t extend to those places.
Quote:
Originally Posted by G-fused
Yeah, that’s true.
Yes, it is definitely a personal choice and if the use isn’t interfering with their life or hurting anyone (including themselves) then hey…God bless. I just naturally assumed that the use is excessive, or headed that way. The other thing is the family history of addiction. That is absolutely a concern and I totally get why a parent would not want their kid drinking too much and taking marijuana while their lives are headed in the wrong direction. That’s parenting.
Almost everything is a personal choice, doesn’t mean it’s a good choice or that it should be allowed to continue without trying to intervene when someone sees a problem.
I don’t think having a drink with dinner is what we are talking about here.
Excessive is subjective and in the eye of the beholder. My mom still thinks my usage is “excessive” and she doesn’t care that I work 65 hours a week, she doesn’t care that my place is clean, she doesn’t care about anything at all because I’m her opinion it’s “too much”, even though she’s not a user herself and has nothing to compare it against.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BostonMike7
You are confusing responsible recreation with literally sitting around on the couch all day long smoking/drinking with lack of ambition to do anything.
Well seeing as they’re both in college and have jobs that pay for their fun as the OP stated it doesn’t sound like they’re just sitting around doing nothing.
In fact, at 18 and 20 to be in school, working and paying for all their extras that’s pretty on track for where they should be, after all full time jobs will come AFTER they get degrees that enable them to get full time careers and not just crap jobs.
In fact, at 18 and 20 to be in school, working and paying for all their extras that’s pretty on track for where they should be, after all full time jobs will come AFTER they get degrees that enable them to get full time careers and not just crap jobs.
Totally agree here. How much dunking is too much? Surprising lack of detail here unless I missed something.
They are working and going to school. Are they failing at school? Are they in danger of losing their jobs? You said it's ruining your relationship. How? Are they getting drunk and fighting with you? Breaking stuff?
Or is your relationship being ruined because you give them a hard time and this creates the fighting?
You haven't made a case yet that they are being completely irresponsible. If that's the case, it may be an issue.
See your quote in bold and understand this, you are a complete and utter enabler of their bad behavior if that is the case. If you want to do something, cut them off financially. Set boundaries such as telling them if you find weed in the house, you'll kick them out. You don't have to support them and their habits.
If your husband does not support this, then you probably have bigger issues at hand.
You might be right, but it seems that ‘tough love’ often makes things even worse - especially if there is full blown addiction at hand. Someone dependent on substances will still choose the drugs so everyone just ends up worse off and farther away.
I believe in incremental positive reinforcement… done with care. Who wins if these kids are cut off, discarded, end up without an education or the experience of being around people eager about life and learning: say goodbye to holidays and grandkids and support when you need it. This is just my opinion - which is as valuable as everyone else’s - zip.
Maybe negotiate a family dinner once a week. A Friday or Saturday - have dinner then they can pick up a check for tuition or expenses… then add one more “obligation/connection” hopefully reeling them in to a healthier view of themselves.
Alcoholism DOES run in families. I’m no expert, but I do NOT believe that this is due to environment, but a dysfunctional family will exacerbate the harm while stifling the good.
Alcoholic parents can do good things, believe it or not, but it takes a lot. I’ve known people who lived their lives from infant to their 30s or 49s having never known their mom had a severe alcohol problem. Her colleagues, friends, relatives never knew either. People with addictions shouldn’t just be stamped with big red letters on their foreheads reading FAIL or LOSER or anything like that.
I don’t know what you should do. I’m just thinking through what I might consider if my kids were not being healthy. They have alcoholism threaded throughout their family tree - but they’re okay so far.
You’ll decide what you think is best for your family. You may find out you’re spot on- you may find out that you goofed. I think (my view means nothing, but I’m sharing it anyway because I care about people) it’s worth trying incremental carrots before trying sticks. I don’t think sticks work. Ever.
I wish you all the best. I empathize with the pain you’re feeling.
Kicking a misbehaving dog will result in a bad bite eventually. Hand feeding the dog, piece by piece shows him he’s family, and you value him. It can take years, but isn’t it worth it, if the alternative is never seeing your dog again, or getting bitten if you ever do?
Life is hard. Life is harder wth strained family relationships. Life is hurts with shattered family relationships. Life is excruciating when people age and there is little time for mending - or no time if someone passes.
Totally agree here. How much dunking is too much? Surprising lack of detail here unless I missed something.
They are working and going to school. Are they failing at school? Are they in danger of losing their jobs? You said it's ruining your relationship. How? Are they getting drunk and fighting with you? Breaking stuff?
Or is your relationship being ruined because you give them a hard time and this creates the fighting?
You haven't made a case yet that they are being completely irresponsible. If that's the case, it may be an issue.
From what we’ve been told, it’s not interfering with anything she just doesn’t approve and it’s merely her opinion it’s “too much”.
It’s all subjective. It sounds like drinking and smoking with their friends is what they do outside of school and work and that doesn’t seem like a problem to me.
OP:
I reviewed the comments. As a viewer of this topic and been on both sides. May I say you are not the enabler in the true sense. Matter of fact a person justifying this poor choice in habit is more likely then not promoting acceptability
It's not.
Example: Ted does fabulous in law school. Great grades. Dates and has a fabulous girlfriend. Pays his own bills. By night he stalks and murders. But hey, let's pat him on the back for making it thru law school. Pay no mind to that evening ' vice' ,he is an adult after all. My point being, covering up or justifying the person's poor choices is more apt to enabling.
What you are doing is being an observant parent. Conscious of what path they are sliding down. It's been my experience that when my parent stopped 'caring' , stopped badgering, stop being there....that I lost something no drug or drink could substitute. Stay attune. Keep nudging them to choose a different path. Not nagging. Nudge.
As my grandma said, when a persons compass is broke or gone haywire...shine a light.
That’s ridiculous, every working adult aside from the few I know who practice intentional sobriety have time to drink and smoke, etc.
Please don’t act like adulthood means every single minute is spent working.
I support myself and have money for going to dinner for Mexican and margs and buying cannabis.
I know, right?
Crunked up Friday night Mexican dinner!
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