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OP, one thing stands out to me, and that is, that somehow by coincidence (?), both trips you mentioned took place at the wrong time of month for the oldest daughter. Who said she was "PMS-y": her or. you? Is that a line she uses (or that you use), to excuse away her combativeness? Are you sure there was any truth--on both occasions--to the claim she was having PMS symptoms?
If the younger one is on meds, has the older one been evaluated to see if she could benefit from meds? Would she be interested in personal therapy for herself? Is her personality (or moodiness, or whatever it is) getting in the way of her ability to work and support herself? You said she was "successful", so that sounds like she's stable and doing ok. Is it only the presence of her younger sister that triggers her? You said she has trouble making or keeping friends. I would encourage her to get back into therapy, if I were you.
Have you spent time with the older girl, just the two of you? Maybe it's time for a special vacation with just the older one, with some heart-to-heart talks during quiet times. She might open up, and then you could support any "maybe I should get back into therapy" musings she expresses.
Your oldest may believe you have a favorite whether or not you do, subconsciously perhaps, falling into that "I was the youngest too and relate" comment. Even you brought up that she might feel second best.
She feels that there is imbalance. She feels insecure. She tries to balance the imbalance by being imbalanced and throwing everyone else off kilter.
How you deal with that is that you hash it out, just you and her, and find out exactly how she feels, without assuming anything. Sort it out, just the two of you. This will never go away as long as she feels insecure, or second best.
Have separate vacations from now on. Why waste the time, money, and energy consumed when all three of you are together?
You are trying to force a family harmony that does not exist. Give it up. Enjoy each daughter separately.
^^^ This.
I've never understood why so many people assume that just because you're RELATED to someone, you will get along with them all or even most of the time, OR even that you will LIKE them. We romanticize the IDEA of family so much in this country, and some families ARE very close, but a lot of them are not, and I think that's pretty normal. Family members are individuals with their own quirks and habits and likes and dislikes and personalities -- just like non-family members.
I have 2 full sisters and 1 half-sister (I didn't even know about her until I was in my late 40s). I am very close to 1 of them, somewhat close to another, and not close at all to the 3rd. I grew up with the 1st and 3rd, so go figure.
OP, I do wish you luck, but I think your daughters have to work things out between themselves. As Lillie767 wrote, just enjoy each one separately for now. Maybe things will change when they grow up more.
I would like to say that this isn’t familiar, but that would be a lie. My sister and I were like the OP’s daughters until my sister finished college and started working (I am older). One summer she stayed with me when I lived abroad and my friends found both of us to be absolutely insufferable. Apparently all I did was complain about my sister to everyone. She and I joked that we were lucky to make it out alive. FWIW, the place where we were living was big by that country’s standards, but basically the size of a studio apartment in the US. Although it had multiple rooms, there was only one mini split unit in the apartment and all doors had to be kept open for air circulation. We just managed to push each other’s buttons.
We do go on vacations together and as a family. Family vacations tend to be ones where people can do their own thing at least part of the time. When my sister goes on trips with the in laws, she and my nephew enjoy some quiet time away from others there as well. I think she’s just someone who needs quiet space regularly. I think on weekends they have 2 hours of quiet time each day unless they have some big activity they are doing.
Your oldest may believe you have a favorite whether or not you do, subconsciously perhaps, falling into that "I was the youngest too and relate" comment. Even you brought up that she might feel second best.
She feels that there is imbalance. She feels insecure. She tries to balance the imbalance by being imbalanced and throwing everyone else off kilter.
How you deal with that is that you hash it out, just you and her, and find out exactly how she feels, without assuming anything. Sort it out, just the two of you. This will never go away as long as she feels insecure, or second best.
I agree that the oldest probably feels like she favors the youngest because the OP can relate more to the youngest. The OP said they get along when she's not around, so it's sounding like a dynamic between the OP and youngest that's bringing out the bad mood.
I agree that the OP should do a one on one with the oldest. When they do sit down to talk, the OP may have to say she's sorry to her. Nothing will change until the OP takes some sort of responsibility for her actions if the oldest places blame on her. The OP will have to be understanding where the oldest comes from. It sounds like she's hurt, she won't be able to move on if she doesn't feel that her feelings were validated.
Depending on how their talk goes, the oldest could just decide to wash her hands of her mother and younger sister. Been there and done that. Haven't spoken to them in 15 years. I don't miss the dynamics or drama.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict
I would like to say that this isn’t familiar, but that would be a lie. My sister and I were like the OP’s daughters until my sister finished college and started working (I am older). One summer she stayed with me when I lived abroad and my friends found both of us to be absolutely insufferable. Apparently all I did was complain about my sister to everyone. She and I joked that we were lucky to make it out alive. FWIW, the place where we were living was big by that country’s standards, but basically the size of a studio apartment in the US. Although it had multiple rooms, there was only one mini split unit in the apartment and all doors had to be kept open for air circulation. We just managed to push each other’s buttons.
We do go on vacations together and as a family. Family vacations tend to be ones where people can do their own thing at least part of the time. When my sister goes on trips with the in laws, she and my nephew enjoy some quiet time away from others there as well. I think she’s just someone who needs quiet space regularly. I think on weekends they have 2 hours of quiet time each day unless they have some big activity they are doing.
Doing their own thing on vacation sounds like a good idea, especially if the oldest isn't willing or able to do something when the others want to do something.
They can also make a plan ahead of time where they do something each person wants to do, put it on paper, time, day and place so that everyone knows they need to be ready to leave if they want to go.
It sounds like they're sharing a room which also may not be a good idea if they all can't get ready at the same time.
My daughters are 24 and 21, and they are both delightful successful women in their own ways. …
Both girls struggled with emotional issues through the years. … She claims her sister ruined the vacation. I was stuck in the middle and didn't have a very good trip as a result…
What am i supposed to do? Vacation separately with my daughters for the rest of my life? ….
They are both unique and special. Very different people with different personalities and goals and skills. I have never been able to treat them alike because they just aren't. …
Why not have 2 vacations? Plan separately with each regarding where to go and what they want to do?
One with one daughter, then one with another.
Win-win.
The oldest would get the attention she craves.
If you resent paying for vacation that includes a lot of sleep- suggest splitting the costs or go to a beautiful place where you don’t mind sitting by the water, etc- stationary
No need for therapy -save your money.
Let girls establish their own relationships with each other…
You will have “a love triangle”!
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