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Plenty of good advice here. I suggest you let your wife read this thread. Pretty much nobody said "Let your daughter continue to use you so she can act like a teenager for a few more years at the expense of your retirement savings".
I would set her a budget of rent/utilities/food/gas money for 60 days. Tell her she has 60 days to get a job and start supporting herself, then she will be cut-off. In reality, you may need to partially subsidize her for a bit longer if her first job doesn't pay that well, but don't tell her that now or she'll just get a apart-time job and then backslide to where she is now. If she has an extra bedroom, she could also get a roommate to share expenses. She needs motivation, and your wife should realize that she is acting as an "anti-motivator" right now, giving her zero reasons to change her ways.
I wouldn't micromanage her job search, but I would ask how many jobs she'd applied to every time you speak to her. Make it uncomfortable for her to have to admit that she didn't apply, and tick-tock, the deadline is approaching.
I have a relative who is 45 years old. He is a college grad from a good university, but only works periodically. His mom pays his apartment rent and gives him money each month for food, etc. She is in her 70s and still working full time.
The son, her only child, is not anti-social, stupid, unemployable, nor uneducated....just very spoiled by his mother. What will he do for money when mom dies?
Our daughter is 26 and has been unemployed since March of 2020. She was working in graphic design, but got fired right at the start of the pandemic. She was pretty scared and upset about it and so what we agreed on is that we would financially support her, from rent to cable bills, everything. We did this assuming that she would try and find a new job and be back on her feet soon.
What I soon started realizing is that she began to see this as a vacation that just fell from the sky. I'd call her at 10, 11 in the morning and she either wouldn't pick up, or she'd pick up, sounding groggy, as if she'd been startled awake. More and more, I started seeing debit card expenses spent on shopping and dinner out.
When I would ask her about job searches, it was always vague, rarely did I get a position title or a company name.
After this last round of expenses, which included several hundred dollars on clothes, several hundred on nights out, I called her and told her I am about ready to pull this plug. I explained that she does not get to just call it quits at 26 and live off of my money. I promised her I'd be hawking her and checking in on everything. When she sends job applications, I want company names, position titles, and who she reached out to in order to set up a phone screening. I told her I'd be setting her up on a much tighter budget, which, up until now, she hasn't had.
My daughter isn't my youngest, she's the second youngest, I have 1 son who's younger, 2 are older. They're all self-sufficient and she should be as well.
After she and I finished our call wherein I laid down the law, she called my wife and complained that my new rules were going to be very stressful on her. Her going to her mom, hoping for a good cop-bad cop dynamic is nothing new.
My wife believes that we shouldn't put her on a tight budget, nor should we pull funding completely. My wife seems to believe that any day now, or daughter will be hired, but, I'm not sure how she's going to be hired when she's out shopping on a Tuesday afternoon and grabbing drinks with friends on Wednesday night.
How harsh should I be?
You've been overly generous and she needs to realize what a fine motivator the stress of worrying about making rent and paying for the other basic needs and life can be. The stress of "OMG, my Dad gave me RUUULES" is a cop out and your wife should know that her daughter is using that cop out as a tool of manipulation. Your daughter should be embarrassed to be going into her second year of being supported by mom and dad--especially when jobs are plentiful (even if those jobs aren't the ones that she wants).
Assuming that your daughter was collecting any form of unemployment (and even if she weren't), why on earth were you and your wife as parents paying for any more than the basics for a child who's well into adulthood? Keeping her from becoming starving and homeless was one thing; allowing her to maintain her previous lifestyle was a huge mistake. Adults must learn to tighten their belts in times of trouble. Better that she learn this lesson now and not later when she has other people who are dependent upon her.
Cover rent and utilities for say, ninety more days. Shut off the cable; keep only the internet. Shut off her access to your accounts (assuming that her debit and/or credit cards are attached to yours. If they are, they never should have been in the first place as there was zero need for it.) Give her X amount of cash for groceries and basics such as toilet paper per each thirty day period. If she runs short, she can learn to use the food bank and/or budget more wisely next time 'round. Don't ask about her job search, but be clear with her from the get-go that when her ninety days are up there will be no more funding coming from the bank of mom and dad.
The longer she is unemployed, the more difficult it will be to get meaningful employment. How will she explain her lack of employment for close to two years without sounding entitled and/or lazy?
Yes I do think you should cut her discretionary spending but I would put the money toward a job coach. After all this time, I think she may need someone to help her structure a productive job search and keep her motivated. When I lost a job, I was provided these resources and it was very helpful. I received good ideas on companies to target, how to network, etc. as well as on how to make looking for a job my full time job until I found one.
She needs to be on a tight leash. She doesn't need to be eating out and partying when she doesn't have a job. She is definitely taking advantage of you.
Virtually every bar & restaurant in my area has a Help Wanted sign out - some even have to close temporarily due to staffing issues. She can be a waitress until she can find employment in her field, or maybe she'll find that she likes the hospitality industry and finds a career there.
Either way, you'll fail in your job as a parent if you continue enabling her laziness.
Give her a plan and a deadline, after which the gravy-train ends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie104
When I lost a job, I was provided these resources and it was very helpful. I received good ideas on companies to target, how to network, etc. as well as on how to make looking for a job my full time job until I found one.
This good advice seems to have been overlooked, so quoting for truth:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3
Treat her like an adult. Thats the first step.
Stop this silly - I am the dictator and you will submit to my demands of turning over all job applications , contacts , yada yada.
What has been suggested is to get a pre paid card. Have 50$ on it. Thats her budget. Pay for her rent til the lease is up. Would cost more to have her break the lease at this point. Then tell her - Its on you to find a room mate or find a job. The bank of Dad will be closing its doors. With job availability running rampant, she can find a warehouse jobs or scrub pots and pans. Nothing is beneath a person when they have bills to pay.
Correct that your Wife is a bit lenient with this young adult. Her heart is in the right place. Its the Mind that needs to get on the same supportive page of yours in the financial department. Limit the budget. Encourage her self sufficiency.
Beyond that- She is family and sometimes that means letting the person sink or swim with a life boat docked at shore ..
Also...
Quote:
The vast majority (up to 75%) of 18 to 28-year-olds receive some sort of financial support from their parents
Vague "I'm about to pull the plug" and "I'm gonna watch you like a hawk" threats mean and accomplish NOTHING. Did your arrangement include any obligations on her part?
Clearly outline what you will and what you will not pay for. High speed internet for job-searches? Yes. 5 different tv/movie streaming services? No. Cell phone for contacts? Yes. Unlimited data plan? Maybe not. Health insurance? Yes.
Set up a repayment plan to begin immediately. Even if it's just 15% of what you spent on her for the month, it will make her reevaluate her resources. The goal would not be to repay all that you have expended since March 2020 (though she may not need to know that at this point), but it will 1) emphasize how much you help her and 2) give her some skin in the game to improve her financial situation.
Then, set targets. When her lease ends, you will contribute HALF the current amount towards rent for 3 months, then 25% for 3 months, then... ? What about car payments, insurance, etc.? Can that car be sold? Does your daughter have any savings?
Tell me how Christmas, birthdays, etc. look like. Surely there is an understanding that financial limits extend even to gifts and celebrations, right?
Just set clear guidelines and adjust as needed going forward. The ambiguity is doing neither of you any favors.
My nephew went to school for graphic design and ended up working for a bank and later an insurance company. We don't always get to do what we want, particularly in fields with a lot of competition. She should find a job to do while she looks for something she wants.
Twice in my life I had to take jobs for short periods of time while waiting for jobs in my field to open up. Both times I worked crappy jobs while looking for and applying for jobs using my degrees. Luckily, I didn't have to wait long either time. But if I had, I had income coming in.
She needs to get *a* job. It doesn't have to be in graphic design. Employers need workers right now and I even saw a sign offering $16 an hour for fast food workers when walking in my town a few days ago. That wouldn't be a living wage where I live, but it would go a long way toward paying expenses.
It may sound like ancient, outdated advice to young people, but I still believe it's easier to get hired if you are currently working than if you can't account for your time since your last job besides spending mom and dad's money on clothes and dining out.
My nephew went to school for graphic design and ended up working for a bank and later an insurance company. We don't always get to do what we want, particularly in fields with a lot of competition. She should find a job to do while she looks for something she wants.
This. I thought employers were dying for employees right now. Why can't she find a job? Sure, it's not a job in her field (seriously, does anyone who has graduated in the last 20 years or so expect they're going to initially get a job in their field?), but if she wants to spend money, she'd better start making it. (And yes, I'm well aware that finding "good jobs" isn't easy-- but now is the best time to find jobs. And I don't mean she has to work fast food. Everybody is hiring. My doctor is stressed that she can't get office staff. The "escape room" in town has a sign up that they're hiring. All this girl has to do is look around; it's not like she's going to have to wait tables. I'm not sure it's still true that it's a black mark on your resume to take a job you're overqualified for vs just being unemployed.)
And yes, I agree that having to curb spending a bit isn't "stressful." Well, it can be, but it's what you do when you don't have much money. Plenty of people do it every day, and they're people who are working. If she doesn't like it? Maybe that'll be motivation to try to find a good job, and also to have compassion for other people who live that way all the time and not just temporarily.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts
I think you have been more than fair and you are now enabling her. She will not be motivated until there is no safety net.
Letting her move home sounds risky to me unless there’s an iron clad end game. If you can support her apartment for a few months, do that. Stop paying credit cards, car payments, insurance, phone. This will give her a month or two to get her **** together before she starts feeling the consequences of her actions, like having things shut off and having her car repossessed.
Not sure I agree with cutting off the car or its insurance. Don't pay insurance? She'll likely drive without it... until she gets into an accident without it (I've known a few people this girl reminds me of). Car gets repossessed? She'll expect the parents to drive her everywhere, or always need gas money for her friends, plus will have been handed, on a silver platter, ammo for why she can't get a job.
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