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So, I only have one son, he's 34 now. He's always rebelled against forced family get togethers. He's been a very stubborn person from the time he was a toddler. I'm okay with his rebelling, personally. There was nothing I hated more as a kid than to be forced to talk to grandma A, grandma B, bonus grandma, bio dad, his wife and anyone else the family decided they needed to call on holidays. It was uncomfortable and unenjoyable to me. I'm an introvert (as is my son) and forced chit chat pretty much is a waste of time as far as I am concerned. It didn't matter if it was family or strangers.
My husband and his family guilt each other into doing things with the family, even though my husband is 61. It's ridiculous. His mom threatens to cut him off all the time because we live down south and she lives in NY and he doesn't visit all the time (we own a business and can't just get up and leave when we want to). The rest of the family competes to see who can plan the best birthday, mother's day, easter, etc for his mother. So my husband gets very upset when my son doesn't call me on mother's day or my birthday (he texts and I am fine with that).
My point is, too many people put too much pressure on the other members of the family to fulfill whatever they want family life to be. My son loves me, I love him. But I allow him the space he wants/needs and I am there when he needs me to be there (if I need him, he's there for me, too). He's a good kid (adult, but to me a kid).
My goodness all of that sounds absolutely EXHAUSTING! Can't imagine why you live hundreds of miles away.
My goodness all of that sounds absolutely EXHAUSTING! Can't imagine why you live hundreds of miles away.
Exactly! I have not visited my MIL in over 25 years. She and my FIL are divorced, I do visit my FIL. MIL is a demanding person and the more the family does for her, the more she demands from them.
Jon sounds like a normal 20 something to me. When you factor in holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, 4th of July) and special occasions like Mother's Day, Father's Day, graduations, etc. and then proceed to add in 6 special birthday dinners each year...that is an awful lot to obligate an adult child to attend.
I think it's good that you are relaxing your expectations and giving Jon a pass to skip your birthday celebration this year. He shouldn't have to explain why he can't make it and no one should be giving him grief over missing the dinner. He could have a class that he's attending or a dinner with a client or even a birthday celebration in his friend group that he doesn't want to miss. Maybe he doesn't want to have to leave work early to attend his Mom's bday dinner.
Family birthday dinner attendance shouldn't be mandatory and it's good that you understand that, Op. In fact, there are going to be times in the future when Jon or one or more of the other kids won't be able to come home for Christmas.
Your husband needs to adjust his expectations and the other kids need to cut their brother some slack. Whether they realize it now or not, Jon is smoothing the path for them going forward. One day they'll be grateful that Jon did away with forced attendance at these events.
Limit the tradition to people who live in the same house as you for now. Someone is going to relocate or get married and the whole thing is going to fall apart eventually so best to start winding it down now. We've gone through similar things over the decades with both my family and with my in laws. Things like Holiday traditions and Sunday dinners can't be expected to last forever.
I love family traditions, but have found that as people get other and families expand, move away, etc., etc., they change. It's sad they can't stay the same, but life goes on.
I don't see any problem. As an adult, he doesn't need to explain why he can't attend. "Other plans" should be sufficient, particularly as he appears to be a very responsible and attentive son.
This doesn't seem like his problem, but rather the rest of your family's that they need to manage.
In a nutshell: my husband planned a surprise (I'm not supposed to know about this) birthday dinner/experience for me and one of my adult son's (Jon) is not coming. My husband and the other adult kids are now upset with Jon.
(snip)
Any opinions or advice? I was thinking I will talk to Jon and just ask if there's a bigger issue (for example, is he angry with me for something?) The dinner doesn't matter nearly so much to me as my relationship with him. I'm working really hard to have a respectful adult relationship with my son.
Is this that a big deal?
This is thoughtful. Some families are tighter than others. Mine was not for various reasons, but my parents were good people and I'm grateful. Both saints and sinners day-to-day, welcome to humanity. Like me as well. As an 'only' I always blazed my own trail, from both nature and nurture. But I never missed a meal, they weren't addicts, dad always had a job, I had a roof over my head. Only beaten when I really needed it, back in the day when kids were raised "By hand" as my mom phrased it.
You're proud oldest is on his own, that's clear enough and any parent would be. Many boys and a few girls do this and for the most part parents are quite pleased. I split 5 min after receiving my undergrad degree, w/ job offer 2,250 miles away. My mom cried when I pulled out of the driveway in my POS Mustang. Odd because we didn't get along too well, but blood's blood and I felt the same though with jolly bon homie unique to 22 y.o. young guys. So I wasn't "that" young, recently 22 with sheepskin in hand and excellent STEM prospects. Boys went to war at 18 since time immemorial after all. Spartans had young men training for battle by 15.
The young man's spreading his wings, clipping the apron strings, pick your metaphor. Traditions notwithstanding for birthdays. Friend of mine's middle son just did-same at 19 and she freaked too (just a little), realizing boys grow up and need to do their own thing and mom might come in second place from time to time.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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Update
So....
Oldest son stopped by the morning of the planned event and dropped off some treats for me. How thoughtful, right? Totally unnecessary and much appreciated.
The excursion was a walking history tour. I cannot believe the others showed up for this. I loved history, but I'm in the minority in my family. It was hot, the tour guide was pretty boring, and we had to wait for some latecomers. The tour guide was not local and mis-pronounced some street names and completely left out some of the local lore. To be clear, I absolutely loved that my family did this for me. Oh yeah, and she got lost.
This is pretty typical of things my family plans for me. I love it!
The other kids were heard mumbling that my oldest had the right idea and they wanted to do a group gift for me next year.
Personally, I think to expect adult kids to attend every single birthday dinner, year after year, is unreasonable and even... well... stupid. Sounds harsh, I know, but the OP has been VERY lucky that her family has been this consistent for this long. Her son obviously had other plans that he wasn't willing to change, but he stopped by to her see that morning, so it wasn't like he dissed her.
I'd walk on shard glass to have a birthday dinner with my mom. Her passing ten years ago brought back all the positives that ' traditions' Instill.
No one spends there reflective days saying gee I'm sooo glad I didn't spend time with those that meant alot to me.
I'm sure each of the siblings love one another and can disagree . Your eldest love isn't in question ...that's unconditional. The matter in question is the free pass given when this event is nothing short of taking time to appreciate.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3
I'd walk on shard glass to have a birthday dinner with my mom. Her passing ten years ago brought back all the positives that ' traditions' Instill.
No one spends there reflective days saying gee I'm sooo glad I didn't spend time with those that meant alot to me.
I'm sure each of the siblings love one another and can disagree . Your eldest love isn't in question ...that's unconditional. The matter in question is the free pass given when this event is nothing short of taking time to appreciate.
Oh . Here it is. There is always one poster on any thread involving parents that brings up the fact that parents are mortal as a justification for unrealistic expectations or behavior that goes well over reasonable boundaries.
The son here gave what he could in terms of time to his mother. The reality is a lot of kids have to move away from their parents for employment right out of college or in the military. So expectations of how much time adult kids can give to their parents have to be realistic with the fact the kids have to build a whole life outside the relationships with their parents.
The dad in this case will be in for a very rude awakening if the siblings have to move away for work and they aren’t able to make every damn birthday. The mother in this case showed her son a lot of grace and that grace was returned to her by the son who gave what he could in effort.
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Update
. Here it is. There is always one poster on any thread involving parents that brings up the fact that parents are mortal as a justification for unrealistic expectations or behavior that goes well over reasonable boundaries. 
