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Old 05-24-2022, 06:37 PM
 
Location: in my mind
5,327 posts, read 8,504,863 times
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My father is very passive and he found a controlling woman after my mother left him. He let her take over his life, and never stood up to her. He is a very intelligent person, ran a successful business, highly educated, and yet, on the home front, totally weak. My own mother was a controlling witch too. My dad definitely had a type.

In his own small ways, he kept contact with my sibs and I over the years, but we were not in the inner circle, no holidays with him, not welcomed to their home because she didn't want us there, etc. He admitted to me at a few points over the years that he knew he had made a terrible mistake, as she showed these signs very early on, but he was too weak and just thought the problem would go away.

Over the decades of this, he tried to blame it all on her, or on us, at times. I firmly rejected this and always told him the blame falls 100% on him because he is the one who chose to stay with someone like that. And each time I did this, he admitted I was right. He wasn't stupid and he knew what he was doing. The only good thing was that she died (cancer) before he did, so we finally got some time alone with him before he died. If she had out-lived him, I know for certain she would have kept us from him while he was sick and dying, and might not have even told us that he died.
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Old 05-24-2022, 07:05 PM
 
4,001 posts, read 4,080,877 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimberly1969 View Post
But our kids are 18 and 21, they are basically adults, however, he literally turned his back on them and they aren't even allowed over their child hood home because she doesn't like me and in turn the kids get it as well. She even had him take down their photos from the walls.

Thoughts? Does it matter that they are adults now? My kids are very hurt by all of this and of course it hurts me as well.

There is no love loss between any of them and I have suggested that he sit down with them and the new wife and try and get things worked out, but neither he nor her will because they are both selfish. My heart is breaking for my kids, it's rough.
Your ex will do what the new wife wants, because he wants to make his life livable/happier by appeasing her. If he digs in his heels, all he will do is making every day that he’s married to her a nightmare.
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Old 05-25-2022, 06:12 AM
 
29,956 posts, read 11,523,659 times
Reputation: 18480
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimberly1969 View Post
But our kids are 18 and 21, they are basically adults, however, he literally turned his back on them and they aren't even allowed over their child hood home because she doesn't like me and in turn the kids get it as well. She even had him take down their photos from the walls.

Thoughts? Does it matter that they are adults now? My kids are very hurt by all of this and of course it hurts me as well.

There is no love loss between any of them and I have suggested that he sit down with them and the new wife and try and get things worked out, but neither he nor her will because they are both selfish. My heart is breaking for my kids, it's rough.

Nothing you can do. Sounds like the new wife wants to erase anything to do with his previous marriage. Probably more her than him. Its selfish and cruel to do that to your kids but life is not fair.
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Old 05-25-2022, 06:40 AM
 
51,584 posts, read 25,582,790 times
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Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
I wouldn't count on him walking back into their lives. Many times they don't.

If he shows up sick and now wants a relationship then it's up to the kids if they want him then.
I have no idea what the stats are, but over the years I've observed quite a number fathers who abandoned their children show back up years later.

Sometimes it seems to be just a lull in their lives, other times things are heading downhill and they are looking for support.
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Old 05-25-2022, 12:09 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,631,463 times
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Originally Posted by metamorphosis View Post
Your ex will do what the new wife wants, because he wants to make his life livable/happier by appeasing her. If he digs in his heels, all he will do is making every day that he’s married to her a nightmare.
Yes, this is the reason many men do this.
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Old 05-25-2022, 12:13 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,631,463 times
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Originally Posted by Ted Bear View Post
Based on the facts as presented in this thread, this is NOT the case, but before we throw every Dad overboard, there can many times be more than one side to these stories.

I dealt with a narcisstic lawyer wife through divorce. She pulled every nasty trick in the books, including doing everything possible to prevent me from seeing my children.

A first i jumped through hoops: rented a big house to allow for visits and overnights; stayed in the area; did everything possible to stay in the children's lives--school, extra curricular activities, friends, etc.

Little by little she shut me out of their lives and yes, i threw in the towel. Said i would see the children when they were 18 and could make their own decisions.

Turns out they had their mother figured out and were just waiting, as was i, for the time when they were out from under her control.
This makes no sense. Custody laws allow children to choose to spend time with the other parent (provided there is no court order saying otherwise), even if the custodial parent tries to prevent them. But you "threw in the towel"? What did your attorney think of that?
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Old 05-25-2022, 01:02 PM
 
36,076 posts, read 30,581,630 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ted Bear View Post
Based on the facts as presented in this thread, this is NOT the case, but before we throw every Dad overboard, there can many times be more than one side to these stories.

I dealt with a narcisstic lawyer wife through divorce. She pulled every nasty trick in the books, including doing everything possible to prevent me from seeing my children.

A first i jumped through hoops: rented a big house to allow for visits and overnights; stayed in the area; did everything possible to stay in the children's lives--school, extra curricular activities, friends, etc.

Little by little she shut me out of their lives and yes, i threw in the towel. Said i would see the children when they were 18 and could make their own decisions.

Turns out they had their mother figured out and were just waiting, as was i, for the time when they were out from under her control.

Like every relationship with children who have been through such a mess, it isn't the best, but it is good and we work hard to make it better on both sides.

They despise the mother.
And I'm sure no one here believes all Dads are like this. I know lots of wonderful fathers that would try to move heaven and earth for their children. My fist post related how my grandchildren's MOTHER abandoned them for her soulmate nine years ago. Although he is back in prison and they are probably divorced now, IDK, she has made little to no effort to contact them in any positive way. She always put herself and men before her children, but she thinks she deserves mother of the decade award.
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Old 05-25-2022, 01:04 PM
 
36,076 posts, read 30,581,630 times
Reputation: 32344
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
This makes no sense. Custody laws allow children to choose to spend time with the other parent (provided there is no court order saying otherwise), even if the custodial parent tries to prevent them. But you "threw in the towel"? What did your attorney think of that?
Attorneys cost a lot of money and letting children decide is totally up to the judge. Not everyone has thousands of dollars for nothing.
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Old 05-25-2022, 03:02 PM
 
6,746 posts, read 4,727,460 times
Reputation: 25834
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimberly1969 View Post
But our kids are 18 and 21, they are basically adults, however, he literally turned his back on them and they aren't even allowed over their child hood home because she doesn't like me and in turn the kids get it as well. She even had him take down their photos from the walls.

Thoughts? Does it matter that they are adults now? My kids are very hurt by all of this and of course it hurts me as well.

There is no love loss between any of them and I have suggested that he sit down with them and the new wife and try and get things worked out, but neither he nor her will because they are both selfish. My heart is breaking for my kids, it's rough.
What kind of relationship did he have with them before the new wife? Were they close - did they spend a lot of time together? Or is this just an additional distancing?
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Old 05-25-2022, 04:03 PM
 
Location: Austin
15,583 posts, read 10,310,046 times
Reputation: 19366
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimberly1969 View Post
But our kids are 18 and 21, they are basically adults, however, he literally turned his back on them and they aren't even allowed over their child hood home because she doesn't like me and in turn the kids get it as well. She even had him take down their photos from the walls.

Does it matter that they are adults now? My kids are very hurt by all of this and of course it hurts me as well.
i had a relative who disowned his entire family because his new wife didn't like us. his new wife eventually divorced him.

I heard, from his new wife's daughter, he ended up living alone for the rest of his life and died alone. no one from his family spoke to him for years or attended his funeral.
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