Teaching adult son to drive (ADHD, method, legal, teens)
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My son is 32 years old and he just got his learner's permit. The reason he just got it is due to the fact that he has epilepsy. Four years ago he received an implant which controls his seizures, and he has been seizure free with fewer meds for 2 years now. In NY he could apply for his license after being seizure free for a year, but he was reluctant to do so. My wife finally convinced him to take the written test for his permit. He passed. Now come the driving lessons. His Neurologist suggested that he should take driving lessons. My wife asked me to give him a few driving lessons before he pays for them. I agreed. Day one I told him to listen to what I tell him to the letter. No arguments. I always give him a chance to explain his actions if he messes up. So far teaching him is proving to be much more difficult than I remember teaching my daughter when she was 16. I told him that learning to drive at such an advanced age is difficult. He wanted to know when I learned to drive. I was 12 and it was the late 70's, and early 80's when my Dad decided once we could control the vehicle safely he taught us how to drive. I took him to the High School parking lot, rolled down all the windows, and told him to listen to what I say. If he fails to he will drive off the side of the parking lot into the wooded area. I told him since I added him to my insurance all I have to do is pay my deductible, and get the car fixed but I'm not getting injured if you choose not to listen to me. I have had numerous lessons with him behind the wheel and me on a walkie talkie telling him what to do. The only time I'm in the car with him is when I have him drive in traffic usually later at night after 9pm. The problem is my wife does not like my technique with him in the parking lot. I told her that she could always let him pay for his own lessons, and that so far he is much better relaxed behind the wheel, or she is more than welcome to take over the driving lessons. Why mess with what works?
My son is 32 years old and he just got his learner's permit. The reason he just got it is due to the fact that he has epilepsy. Four years ago he received an implant which controls his seizures, and he has been seizure free with fewer meds for 2 years now. In NY he could apply for his license after being seizure free for a year, but he was reluctant to do so. My wife finally convinced him to take the written test for his permit. He passed. Now come the driving lessons. His Neurologist suggested that he should take driving lessons. My wife asked me to give him a few driving lessons before he pays for them. I agreed. Day one I told him to listen to what I tell him to the letter. No arguments. I always give him a chance to explain his actions if he messes up. So far teaching him is proving to be much more difficult than I remember teaching my daughter when she was 16. I told him that learning to drive at such an advanced age is difficult. He wanted to know when I learned to drive. I was 12 and it was the late 70's, and early 80's when my Dad decided once we could control the vehicle safely he taught us how to drive. I took him to the High School parking lot, rolled down all the windows, and told him to listen to what I say. If he fails to he will drive off the side of the parking lot into the wooded area. I told him since I added him to my insurance all I have to do is pay my deductible, and get the car fixed but I'm not getting injured if you choose not to listen to me. I have had numerous lessons with him behind the wheel and me on a walkie talkie telling him what to do. The only time I'm in the car with him is when I have him drive in traffic usually later at night after 9pm. The problem is my wife does not like my technique with him in the parking lot. I told her that she could always let him pay for his own lessons, and that so far he is much better relaxed behind the wheel, or she is more than welcome to take over the driving lessons. Why mess with what works?
Not everyone learns in the same way OP. What might have worked for your daughter may not for your son. The relationship you have with your son is probably somewhat different than your daughter's too, and that will certainly affect how successful your approach is.
IMHO you seem to be very negative about the whole affair: how difficult it will be for someone "at such an advanced age" to learn. Why do you assume that's the case? Why set him up to fail? You also expect him to never question anything you say. Why? Despite his physical challenges, he is a legal adult who has formed opinions and points of view of his own. Such an authoritarian approach seems insulting. Then regaling him with the diatribe about insurance coverage for yourself was also rather insulting. Seems as though you want to talk him out of driving, not into it. Is that really the case here?
FWIW, my father took it upon himself to coach me as I learned to drive. He was a very aggressive, demanding, authoritarian my-way-or-the-highway person too. I hated our driving sessions and avoided them like the plague. OTOH, my mother was a great teacher, patient, encouraging, and positive. Our drives were pleasant. Guess who I learned the most from?
IMHO, it may be better for your son to learn this necessary life skill from someone who's more impartial and who has less emotional baggage...like a professional instructor from a credible school.
Last edited by Parnassia; 07-01-2022 at 03:47 PM..
Not everyone learns in the same way OP. What might have worked for your daughter may not for your son. The relationship you have with your son is probably somewhat different than your daughter's too, and that will certainly affect how successful your approach is.
IMHO you seem to be very negative about the whole affair: how difficult it will be for someone "at such an advanced age" to learn. Why do you assume that's the case? Why set him up to fail? You also expect him to never question anything you say. Why? Despite his physical challenges, he is a legal adult who has formed opinions and points of view of his own. Such an authoritarian approach seems insulting. Then regaling him with the diatribe about insurance coverage for yourself was also rather insulting. Seems as though you want to talk him out of driving, not into it. Is that really the case here?
FWIW, my father took it upon himself to coach me as I learned to drive. He was a very aggressive, demanding, authoritarian my-way-or-the-highway person too. I hated our driving sessions and avoided them like the plague. OTOH, my mother was a great teacher, patient, encouraging, and positive. Our drives were pleasant. Guess who I learned the most from?
IMHO, it may be better for your son to learn this necessary life skill from someone who's more impartial and who has less emotional baggage...like a professional instructor from a credible school.
I have to say I agree. My style of teaching doesn't work well for adults. In spite of it he has made quite a few improvements. I asked my wife a sort of lesson plan I could use that would be more palatable to her, but she has yet to supply me with one.
I've found that while it's a bit easier to teach teen drivers (the ones who aren't overly confident, that it), the same techniques work with adults. The biggest thing is keeping new drivers from being on edge as overly nervous newbies make more mistakes than someone who's riding with a calm co-pilot/instructor.
Starting them in the parking lot is good, but barking at him from the sidelines (so to speak) seems like it would be more of a hinderance and distraction than it would be helpful. It's not as if you're likely to get injured while riding shotgun in a parking lot, after all. Also, a walkie talkie? *That* has to be distracting as all get out in the same manner as your son having a cell phone in hand or even hands-free as he's a new driver. My advice is to get in that car with your son, stay calm in demeanor and voice, and keep him to places where he can do no damage to himself, you, or the vehicle until he's ready to graduate to hitting the streets. Your method, while it worked with your daughter, just isn't working with your son. Different people sometimes need lessons that are more tailored to their learning style.
My rules when teaching are: no radio on in the early stages, talking only to give gentle instruction, cell phones on silent (my own included). After my driving student has learned how the car handles in the relative safety of a parking lot, we switch up, drive to a local cemetery, switch up again, and I let the student maneuver their way through the cemetery; practicing making turns, backing up (without the camera because I am teaching them to use their eyes and the mirrors and not to rely solely upon the camera), three-point turns, etc. Wide local roads with minimal traffic and a slow speed limit are next, then two lane highways, a bit of late night city driving (little traffic), then finally we hit the interstate. Parking (backing into spots, pulling into spots, and parallel parking) are taught and continually practiced along the way. Once they've learned to handle the vehicle to my satisfaction, casual conversation is added into the mix, then later the radio (playing in the background a bit).
Save the city driving (I grew up in a somewhat rural area), this is how I was taught to drive by the adults in my world when I was a young woman. Thirty plus years later, those techniques still work well, although it was a bit easier to see in the cars of the 80s and 90s. (Those cars were like driving around in a fishbowl--excellent visibility.)
Perhaps your wife teaching your son to drive might be the way to go (or be the one who practices with him when he's taking professional driving instruction).
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 07-01-2022 at 06:06 PM..
I've found that while it's a bit easier to teach teen drivers (the ones who aren't overly confident, that it), the same techniques work with adults. The biggest thing is keeping new drivers from being on edge as overly nervous newbies make more mistakes than someone who's riding with a calm co-pilot/instructor.
Starting them in the parking lot is good, but barking at him from the sidelines (so to speak) seems like it would be more of a hinderance and distraction than it would be helpful. It's not as if you're likely to get injured while riding shotgun in a parking lot, after all. Also, a walkie talkie? *That* has to be distracting as all get out in the same manner as your son having a cell phone in hand or even hands-free as he's a new driver. My advice is to get in that car with your son, stay calm in demeanor and voice, and keep him to places where he can do no damage to himself, you, or the vehicle until he's ready to graduate to hitting the streets. Your method, while it worked with your daughter, just isn't working with your son. Different people sometimes need lessons that are more tailored to their learning style.
My rules when teaching are: no radio on in the early stages, talking only to give gentle instruction, cell phones on silent (my own included). After my driving student has learned how the car handles in the relative safety of a parking lot, we switch up, drive to a local cemetery, switch up again, and I let the student maneuver their way through the cemetery; practicing making turns, backing up (without the camera because I am teaching them to use their eyes and the mirrors and not to rely solely upon the camera), three-point turns, etc. Wide local roads with minimal traffic and a slow speed limit are next, then two lane highways, a bit of late night city driving (little traffic), then finally we hit the interstate. Parking (backing into spots, pulling into spots, and parallel parking) are taught and continually practiced along the way. Once they've learned to handle the vehicle to my satisfaction, casual conversation is added into the mix, then later the radio (playing in the background a bit).
Save the city driving (I grew up in a somewhat rural area), this is how I was taught to drive by the adults in my world when I was a young woman. Thirty plus years later, those techniques still work well, although it was a bit easier to see in the cars of the 80s and 90s. (Those cars were like driving around in a fishbowl--excellent visibility.)
Perhaps your wife teaching your son to drive might be the way to go (or be the one who practices with him when he's taking professional driving instruction).
You're welcome. I taught my former renter to drive when he was a touch younger than your son as well as several co-workers over the years and a few teens here and there. Good times!
I don't know what sort of vehicle you drive, but I do know that most of the people who I have taught have had an easier time with my smaller sedans/hatch than with larger cars. (One of the cars that I learned on was a Lincoln Town Car, so I learned how to drive a "boat" early on. Can drive just about anything at this point in time save a big rig, lol.)
You're welcome. I taught my former renter to drive when he was a touch younger than your son as well as several co-workers over the years and a few teens here and there. Good times!
I don't know what sort of vehicle you drive, but I do know that most of the people who I have taught have had an easier time with my smaller sedans/hatch than with larger cars. (One of the cars that I learned on was a Lincoln Town Car, so I learned how to drive a "boat" early on. Can drive just about anything at this point in time save a big rig, lol.)
I wish you both the best of luck.
MY Current car is a 2021 Honda Pilot. I learned to drive with a 1968 Chrysler Newport 4 Dr Sedan. My Dad used to make me drive on the narrowest roads. The back seat was wider than the Couch I had in my apartment. It only took $25 to fill it up.
My son is 32 years old and he just got his learner's permit. The reason he just got it is due to the fact that he has epilepsy. Four years ago he received an implant which controls his seizures, and he has been seizure free with fewer meds for 2 years now. In NY he could apply for his license after being seizure free for a year, but he was reluctant to do so. My wife finally convinced him to take the written test for his permit. He passed. Now come the driving lessons. His Neurologist suggested that he should take driving lessons. My wife asked me to give him a few driving lessons before he pays for them. I agreed. Day one I told him to listen to what I tell him to the letter. No arguments. I always give him a chance to explain his actions if he messes up. So far teaching him is proving to be much more difficult than I remember teaching my daughter when she was 16. I told him that learning to drive at such an advanced age is difficult. He wanted to know when I learned to drive. I was 12 and it was the late 70's, and early 80's when my Dad decided once we could control the vehicle safely he taught us how to drive. I took him to the High School parking lot, rolled down all the windows, and told him to listen to what I say. If he fails to he will drive off the side of the parking lot into the wooded area. I told him since I added him to my insurance all I have to do is pay my deductible, and get the car fixed but I'm not getting injured if you choose not to listen to me. I have had numerous lessons with him behind the wheel and me on a walkie talkie telling him what to do. The only time I'm in the car with him is when I have him drive in traffic usually later at night after 9pm. The problem is my wife does not like my technique with him in the parking lot. I told her that she could always let him pay for his own lessons, and that so far he is much better relaxed behind the wheel, or she is more than welcome to take over the driving lessons. Why mess with what works?
That sounds incredibly condescending and insufferable. Why don’t you treat him like a 32 year old?
That sounds incredibly condescending and insufferable. Why don’t you treat him like a 32 year old?
Most 32 year olds know how to drive. I was discussing the difficulties in teaching my adult son to drive being made more difficult by my wife (who asked me to teach him) who disagrees with my teaching technique. It has been proven successful as my Daughter has been driving for 8 years now. As with the previous advice given I have to remember people have different learning curves, so I will remember that moving forward.
OP, I was a late(ish) learner. While I took 5 days of group driver's training for two hours after school at age 16, I never drove again until I was 20. No one in my family wanted to spend the time giving me any additional practice, so thank you for your willingness to teach your son. We tend to take family instruction as a given, but it's not. Not all families are very giving.
When I was 20, I was in the military and they wanted me to have a driver's license so they had an instructor and he took us out as a group to practice. So, I've had experience with two driving teachers.
Neither of them ever said follow what I'm saying to the letter. It was assumed that you were there to be taught, and so you would follow the instructions. Is there an issue with your son that he doesn't pay attention? Is he ADHD as well as epileptic? Overtime, does epilepsy degrade a person's reasoning, or spatial skills?
As you've described your teaching technique it does feel like it's being done as a high stakes enterprise which can raise the tension level. I understand that when he gets out on the road it will be high stakes, but maybe a little bit of relaxed fun is appropriate at the very beginning, especially when you're in a large, empty parking lot. Let him make his mistakes. Maybe even encourage him to get his mistakes out of his system. That can be a useful teaching technique.
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Can drive just about anything at this point in time save a big rig, lol.) 
