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I am also a stepmother although the youngest was 5 when we got together. They (4 stepkids) are all grown now with kids of their own. I give holiday and birthday presents to the under-18 GKs. I have visited them too (they live at some distance). However I realize they are more a part of my life, then I am a part of theirs. Case in point, during Covid, they knew I lived alone but no one called to see how I was doing. One sent a couple of texts.
My condolences on your loss, OP. I hope you can work things out and have a good family relationship.
I met my ex husband when my stepson was 8. We divorced almost 2 years ago when he was 30. He has stayed in my life which I am happy about even though I have my own kids. His mom died 2 years ago. He was married a few weeks ago and asked me to take the place of his mom at the wedding. I was honored. I am on good terms with my ex. They want to have kids and I look forward to being a grandma. I am really sorry for your loss.
The bolded (above) is code for "We should get the items and money that belonged to our father." You should be prepared for that, especially if your late husband didn't have a will. As you say, they still have some anger issues.
I met my ex husband when my stepson was 8. We divorced almost 2 years ago when he was 30. He has stayed in my life which I am happy about even though I have my own kids. His mom died 2 years ago. He was married a few weeks ago and asked me to take the place of his mom at the wedding. I was honored. I am on good terms with my ex. They want to have kids and I look forward to being a grandma. I am really sorry for your loss.
It is nice to hear that “step” relationships dont all turn out badly—
Kudos to you for building that bridge before it was needed
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments.
The graveside service was Monday. It was lovely and exactly what I hoped it would be.
I think the son will be helpful in getting Dad's affairs in order because he is an attorney. His wife is an accountant. She offered to do my taxes. She does that for other family members. We both have/had wills and our affairs are simple and in order, I think. No secrets that need to continue to be hidden. The son and daughter will inherit everything when I die.
They will be back on Monday to hang blackout curtains in the bedroom and will help me put other things to rest, like his phone. My husband did all the technology stuff, so any help now is appreciated. They will also help me decide what to do with cars.
I sense very strongly that they continue to consider me family. I will still probably opt out of major holiday celebrations and will spend them with my brother. That will probably work for them, too. The daughter's husband and I had a brief chat, saying we want to have a conversation about how our relationship will unfold. He and I, especially, have always thought a lot of each other.
Oh, I have a date with the oldest grandson to help me use an expensive restaurant gift card.
So there we are. Thank you, again for your help. An unbelievably difficult time is getting a bit easier.
I too am sorry for your loss. It does appear the next chapter is beginning on a hopeful note, good luck.
Well, the son and his wife stopped by yesterday and stayed about three hours. The big job was hanging blackout curtains in my bedroom. She had purchased everything so I didn't have to go out and do that. I had the best night's sleep last night that I have had in a long time. They also hung a large picture and walked me through a technology issue. He said he had begun looking for a newer car for me. On an earlier visit they had helped out in other areas as well.
While they were here his sister texted me and asked how I was doing. They were out of town but said they would be returning that night if I needed anything.
So far so good. I am also doing my part by handling many administrative things, as you can imagine.
But I am encouraged. We are all feeling our way and processing and grieving, but everyone's heart seems to be in the right place.
Well, the son and his wife stopped by yesterday and stayed about three hours. The big job was hanging blackout curtains in my bedroom. She had purchased everything so I didn't have to go out and do that. I had the best night's sleep last night that I have had in a long time. They also hung a large picture and walked me through a technology issue. He said he had begun looking for a newer car for me. On an earlier visit they had helped out in other areas as well.
While they were here his sister texted me and asked how I was doing. They were out of town but said they would be returning that night if I needed anything.
So far so good. I am also doing my part by handling many administrative things, as you can imagine.
But I am encouraged. We are all feeling our way and processing and grieving, but everyone's heart seems to be in the right place.
Thank you again for your insights.
Love all of this. And so sorry for your loss.
I could be in this same boat someday. I understand my place as a step mom to my grown step kids, their mom is in their lives. But I am just Grandma to the grandkids, lots of love and no differentiation between biological grandparents and steps. I would try to keep the number of visits the same. I would hate to be out of their lives.
My favorite grandparent was my mom's step dad. Never thought any less of him because we weren't blood related.
My take:
I loved the boys' father, and since the boys are an extension of him, my love extended to them as well.
It wasn't always easy, but despite our better efforts (from time to time, I suspect), we became friends as well as having the "step" relationship. Our relationships are a treasure to me, and as the family grows (my older step has kids of his own), we enjoy our time together. Bio mom is included in the holiday dinner, and we are on friendly terms.
All of this because of the love of a great man that we all shared, and that was our focus that allowed the relationships to form and remain.
OP, I am so sorry for your sudden loss. Give yourself the time you need to grieve. Sometimes, that means pulling back as your steps walk their grief path as well. Trust that the love you share will lead those paths to intersect, and that your relationships will grow deeper as the years go by.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
What compassionate advice! How wonderful for all of you that you are able to "treasure" your relationships with your stepsons and to see them as "extensions" of a man who you love! This is how it should be.
My stepmother saw us as competition. When my father died, she sold all of his property, and money, including our inheritance She had my father cremated the day after he died.
Plus 1 to you.
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