Why do some fathers feel like it is okay... (stepdad, parents, wife)

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

I agree with you - as a mother I cannot imagine doing this to my child.

But maybe since he doesn't know her and therefore never really fell in love with her, he could more easily distance himself from her? You know, kind of the theory that you can't miss what you never had?

What I don't get are dads who were married for years to their childrens mother and THEN decide to suddenly not support their child because of a divorce.

He knew her, he came back around once she was born. I have pictures of them with her sitting on his knee, they were singing together and they look EXACTLY alike. I did everything I could to involve him in her care because I knew this was the way to pull him into her life. It didn't work.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren

He knew her, he came back around once she was born. I have pictures of them with her sitting on his knee, they were singing together and they look EXACTLY alike. I did everything I could to involve him in her care because I knew this was the way to pull him into her life. It didn't work.

Wow, I'm so sorry. This is exactly the kind of thing that puzzles me. Very rarely would a mother have this reaction to a child, but men seem to walk away so easily! WHY?

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Wow, I'm so sorry. This is exactly the kind of thing that puzzles me. Very rarely would a mother have this reaction to a child, but men seem to walk away so easily! WHY?

I can't speak about others but he was incredibly self absorbed. His parents reaction was similar so I can say for sure the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren

I can't speak about others but he was incredibly self absorbed. His parents reaction was similar so I can say for sure the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet by not being married to this guy. Your daughter is very luck to have YOU in her corner

[Elmonellie]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

WHOA, who said it is "such a bad idea to teach kids responsibility"? Certainly not me. And, as far as I'm concerned it's time some of these so-called "dads" took some responsiblity themselves.

You are getting off track, I already stated it is not good parenting to give your child every single material thing they desire - this is not what my thread is about. My thread is about the fact that an 18 year old still needs some support in today's world if he is going to go to college - yet once a kid turns 18 many dads drop all financial support because the law allows them to. I am trying to figure out how a man sleeps at night knowing he did this to his child and allowing his ex to find a way to help the kid all on her own.

I guess I think it depends on the situation.

I don't think it makes a father "bad" to stop paying child support after the child graduates HS or turns 18. If the mother chooses to keep suporting the now adult child, well that is her choice.

If a HS graduate is going to college and working part time and summers to help pay for expenses I would assist them if I were a mom or a dad. If a kid turns 18 and is lazy, unmotivated, wants to keep a minimum wage part time gig at the local video store and live with his mommy who pays all the bills and mommy expects the father to help support this behavior....then I think mommy is going to be bitter because 99% of men won't be interested or feel any guilt.

Oh, and another thing I just thought of, because I saw this happen with my BIL....He was divorced since his son was 2. He was an involved parent and was generous with child support. His ex-wife always tried to manipulate the son to try to control my BIL. She always was telling my BIL what the son HAD to do even when staying with BIL. Do this, that, the other thing. When the kid graduated from high school at 18 1/2 he stopped paying child support and the mother flipped out. She got a lawyer involved. It came to no good in the end legally for her. And the day the kid graduated from HS my brother in law replied to one of her many e-mails regarding what she was demanding for tuition, support, etc. for college...he sent her an e-mail with one line: I will discuss any monetary concerns with my adult son. He never responded to her again and he did not agree to pay for his son, who was a poor, unmotivated student to go to the $20,000 film school. The mother did pay for it and he ran through a couple of years tuition/board with a lot of dropped classes and poor grades and finally dropped out. He then moved back in with his mom and is still living there,unemployed 8months later. Son and Mom resent my BIL and blame him for son's bad choices. I think my BIL was right cutting off the $$$ at 18 in this case.

[itlchick]

While I agree that kids are too spoiled and dependent today - I still think the father should pay for an 18 yo (if possible). A safe but cr---y car. College fees. A computer. NOT an ipod, leather seats and diamond studs.

Yeah, most people work while in school. But think of the benefit of doing internships, research, etc; these experiences will help you land a better job or graduate school. Not that students shouldn't work at all but having to support yourself and get As in school?? With the maturity of a teenager?? Not so easy.

And keep in mind, these kids are competing with other kids who aren't waiting tables every night. Whose grades do you think will be better?

An 18 yo is not what it used to be. These days you need an education and living is so expensive (h--l, half of us here are probably struggling with gas and food prices!). And the fact of the matter is that someone WILL be supporting that kid - the mother.

Whether you like it or not, the fact is that our society has a prolonged childhood and requires a degree to get a good job. Fathers need to adjust. Just like mothers are forced to do.

[VBmom]

For those of you who think it's okay to kick JR to the curb after high school let me ask you this...
My 19 yr old just finished his first year in college. 100 percent paid for by me. He is now home for the summer and has developed some serious health issues. We have been to the ER twice this week. He will spend his entire summer visiting Dr.'s and trying to get healthy again. He is unable to hold down a full time job. The medical bills are enormous. Again, because he is over 18 his father contributes nothing to these expenses. Am I to say..."to bad son, you are over 18"? No, I continue to cover his insurance, his deductables, his medicines, his food, everything. Dad covers....zippo.
How is this okay? How is this going to make him grow up? Going into the military is not an option, he would never qualify medically. Being a nurse? As someone pointed out earlier...Do we want everyone to be a nurse? It's not a job everyone can do.
He will die without medical coverage and help. His father told me that it is my problem. He can't help me. My husband and I make too much to qualify for any help and not enough to pay for all of the expenses but my ex and his wife live in a 700K home, have airplanes, multiple cars, ranches, condos etc. Her two kids went to college for free (my ex helped them). How my ex sleeps at night is beyond me.
For those who think everyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps let me tell you. It is not always that easy. And for those who will tell me to hire a lawyer, I have been to several. They all say the courts will do nothing because he has reached the age of majority.

[MICoastieMom]

Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948

we cannot bear to deny our children the things that we never had, of course that is what made us strong.
IMHO i dont think god wants us to sleep in the car (see prior post rcm58), i think he wants our kids to grow up. too many parents are willing to sleep in the car, i think this is a big part of the problem.

I think He wants our kids to grow, too,....... with us a positive role models of what caring, supportive adults do in order to foster those behaviors in them. That is the problem today, not enough young people have those role models, and then we complain about the cycle continuing.

My ex- walked out before DS was born, didn't want it to "cramp" his style. Then he got re-married and fought me tooth and nail for custody. Then he moved his new family to Hawaii and never had any contact with his son again. He had money to send his daughter to gymnastics lessons, and a horsebacking club, and only God knows what else, but when he died, he owed me nearly $20,000 in back child support.

My son grew up to be a caring, supportive adult who proudly serves his country. His step-father, the man he calls Dad, made sure he had what he needed. That in no way negated my ex's responsibilty.

[2mares]

18 is legal age. Parents are not longer obligated to support their adult children. If you wish to, that is your choice. College and other financial support should have been taken care of either in the divorce agreement or setting up of funds prior to the child turning 18.
My parents were never divorced they loved me and supported me emotionally, but they didnt give me a dime for college or otherwise because they didnt have it to give.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by VBmom

For those of you who think it's okay to kick JR to the curb after high school let me ask you this...
My 19 yr old just finished his first year in college. 100 percent paid for by me. He is now home for the summer and has developed some serious health issues. We have been to the ER twice this week. He will spend his entire summer visiting Dr.'s and trying to get healthy again. He is unable to hold down a full time job. The medical bills are enormous. Again, because he is over 18 his father contributes nothing to these expenses. Am I to say..."to bad son, you are over 18"? No, I continue to cover his insurance, his deductables, his medicines, his food, everything. Dad covers....zippo.
How is this okay? How is this going to make him grow up? Going into the military is not an option, he would never qualify medically. Being a nurse? As someone pointed out earlier...Do we want everyone to be a nurse? It's not a job everyone can do.
He will die without medical coverage and help. His father told me that it is my problem. He can't help me. My husband and I make too much to qualify for any help and not enough to pay for all of the expenses but my ex and his wife live in a 700K home, have airplanes, multiple cars, ranches, condos etc. Her two kids went to college for free (my ex helped them). How my ex sleeps at night is beyond me.
For those who think everyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps let me tell you. It is not always that easy. And for those who will tell me to hire a lawyer, I have been to several. They all say the courts will do nothing because he has reached the age of majority.

VBmom, I am so sorry about your son's illness! Your situation is a classic example of what I am talking about. How in the hell does his father sleep at night? It just doesn't make any sense that he would turn his back on his son financially at a time like this. I know it may not be much comfort now, but I truly believe what goes around comes around - your ex will "pay" for this one way or the other.

Kudos to your current husband for stepping up to the plate and being a real man.