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Old 05-28-2008, 07:34 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 85,182,716 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares View Post
18 is legal age. Parents are not longer obligated to support their adult children. If you wish to, that is your choice. College and other financial support should have been taken care of either in the divorce agreement or setting up of funds prior to the child turning 18.
My parents were never divorced they loved me and supported me emotionally, but they didnt give me a dime for college or otherwise because they didnt have it to give.
If 18 is a real "adult" why don't we let that "adult" buy and drink alcohol?

I'll tell you why we don't - because research shows the 18-year-old brain is still growing and developing - it is not fully mature and alcohol is bad for its continued development. Not to mention, brains at this stage of incomplete development do not always make the best choices because they sometimes lack the ability to understand the potential long term consequences. It is truly the rare 18-year-old who is ready to go out into today's high tech, expensive world and fully support himself. If you did it, my hat is off to you!

But your situation is not the kind I am talking about - your parents could not give you what they did not have, but you knew they loved you and supported you emotionally - that is huge. We are talking about fathers who CAN financially continue to help their kids but don't simply because the law won't make them - that is unexplainable to me.
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Old 05-28-2008, 07:44 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,716 posts, read 30,759,657 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Sounds like you dodged a bullet by not being married to this guy. Your daughter is very luck to have YOU in her corner
A friend we had in common contacted me not that long ago and showed me a picture of him NOW, oh wow did I ever dodge bullet. His wife has a myspace page and how horrible life would be if we were with him.
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Old 05-28-2008, 07:47 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 85,182,716 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elmonellie View Post
I guess I think it depends on the situation.

I don't think it makes a father "bad" to stop paying child support after the child graduates HS or turns 18. If the mother chooses to keep suporting the now adult child, well that is her choice.

If a HS graduate is going to college and working part time and summers to help pay for expenses I would assist them if I were a mom or a dad. If a kid turns 18 and is lazy, unmotivated, wants to keep a minimum wage part time gig at the local video store and live with his mommy who pays all the bills and mommy expects the father to help support this behavior....then I think mommy is going to be bitter because 99% of men won't be interested or feel any guilt.

Oh, and another thing I just thought of, because I saw this happen with my BIL....He was divorced since his son was 2. He was an involved parent and was generous with child support. His ex-wife always tried to manipulate the son to try to control my BIL. She always was telling my BIL what the son HAD to do even when staying with BIL. Do this, that, the other thing. When the kid graduated from high school at 18 1/2 he stopped paying child support and the mother flipped out. She got a lawyer involved. It came to no good in the end legally for her. And the day the kid graduated from HS my brother in law replied to one of her many e-mails regarding what she was demanding for tuition, support, etc. for college...he sent her an e-mail with one line: I will discuss any monetary concerns with my adult son. He never responded to her again and he did not agree to pay for his son, who was a poor, unmotivated student to go to the $20,000 film school. The mother did pay for it and he ran through a couple of years tuition/board with a lot of dropped classes and poor grades and finally dropped out. He then moved back in with his mom and is still living there,unemployed 8months later. Son and Mom resent my BIL and blame him for son's bad choices. I think my BIL was right cutting off the $$$ at 18 in this case.

Your point is well taken about the lazy, unmotivated 18-year-old - I don't think either parent does a kid like that any favors if he/she financially supports that laziness.

I also LOVE what your brother said to his ex the day your nephew graduated from high school - "I will discuss any monetary concerns with my adult son" - THAT was brilliant, and as it should be.

So as your story points out, there can be reasons to not offer financial support for college, as in the case of a kid who just won't take any responsibility for himself. But again I say, the kids needs don't change or go away the day he turns 18 - he still has to eat, he still needs a roof over his head, he still needs insurance benefits - yet many dad's don't seem to care and are perfectly happy to let mom and/or mom and new stepdad foot the bill. I'm not saying it should go on indefinitely - but an 18 year old needs time to get his feet planted solidly on the ground - THAT WILL TAKE TIME. Where is a man's pride when he is purposely letting another man take care of feeding and housing his child?
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Old 05-28-2008, 08:44 AM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,178,523 times
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Sorry, I got interrupted with my last post and did not address the father's child support after 18 issue...divorce & child support are for the most part hard on all parties. Unfortunately, when a monthly monetary payment is imposed on a father to support the child, I could see that he would see his "payment terms" to be up when the child turns 18. Nonetheless, as a responsible parent if the child goes to college, YES, the father and mother should both pay as much as they can afford. On the other hand, at 18, my parents were not divorced but they were poor so they could not afford to have health insurance nor pay a cent toward my college. I left a job I had since I was 16, started working at the university so I'd get medical insurance & I would go to school part-time during lunch & after 5 pm. When that job was not enough to pay rent, utilities, & tuition for me, I picked up an additional part time job on the weekends. This taught me to be responsible & self-sufficient. Now that we are parents (unlike our parents), we have started college funds which will help our kids as long as they are in school.
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Old 05-28-2008, 08:55 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 85,182,716 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by therewego View Post
Sorry, I got interrupted with my last post and did not address the father's child support after 18 issue...divorce & child support are for the most part hard on all parties. Unfortunately, when a monthly monetary payment is imposed on a father to support the child, I could see that he would see his "payment terms" to be up when the child turns 18. Nonetheless, as a responsible parent if the child goes to college, YES, the father and mother should both pay as much as they can afford. On the other hand, at 18, my parents were not divorced but they were poor so they could not afford to have health insurance nor pay a cent toward my college. I left a job I had since I was 16, started working at the university so I'd get medical insurance & I would go to school part-time during lunch & after 5 pm. When that job was not enough to pay rent, utilities, & tuition for me, I picked up an additional part time job on the weekends. This taught me to be responsible & self-sufficient. Now that we are parents (unlike our parents), we have started college funds which will help our kids as long as they are in school.
You are my kind of guy/gal Good for you for making such good choices and for doing so well for yourself. I'm sure your parents love and support had a lot to do with that.
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Old 05-28-2008, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
19,630 posts, read 20,145,897 times
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Lovesmountains

I didnt say 18 was a true adult. 18 is legal age and a parents legal obligation stops. Perhaps the legal age should be raised back up to 21. I think it is just an individual decision wheather one wants to continue to finanically support their children after they turn 18. There could be many reasons a parent would chose not to. I guess the same could hold true for children who choose not to support their aging parents
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Old 05-28-2008, 09:34 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 85,182,716 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares View Post
Lovesmountains

I didnt say 18 was a true adult. 18 is legal age and a parents legal obligation stops. Perhaps the legal age should be raised back up to 21. I think it is just an individual decision wheather one wants to continue to finanically support their children after they turn 18. There could be many reasons a parent would chose not to. I guess the same could hold true for children who choose not to support their aging parents
I hate the idea of legislating everything just to make people do the right thing! Why can't fathers just do the right thing? So, no I wouldn't support raising the legal age to 21. And frankly by 19 or 20 many young people are on the right track and have figured things out enough to be making it on their own. I just think some fathers use this law to their advantage to get out of doing the right thing - luckily for kids with those kinds of fathers they still have their moms
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Old 05-28-2008, 09:58 AM
 
Location: Kansas
3,855 posts, read 11,362,373 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
WHOA, who said it is "such a bad idea to teach kids responsibility"? Certainly not me. And, as far as I'm concerned it's time some of these so-called "dads" took some responsiblity themselves.

You are getting off track, I already stated it is not good parenting to give your child every single material thing they desire - this is not what my thread is about. My thread is about the fact that an 18 year old still needs some support in today's world if he is going to go to college - yet once a kid turns 18 many dads drop all financial support because the law allows them to. I am trying to figure out how a man sleeps at night knowing he did this to his child and allowing his ex to find a way to help the kid all on her own.
Sorry if you think I'm off track. I was giving you some perspective from someone who was 18 and wanted to be off the payroll. I was done taking orders and done with not being able to live under my own terms. I was thankful when I was able to cover my own medical and car insurance. That mean't that I had finally, finally made it completely independently. I just didn't want my parents hovering over me my entire life. I didn't need their help. I didn't want their help. I had been a finanical burden to them from the time I was born and I would not do it anymore.

Is college expensive?....absolutely. But if you pick a good in-state institution it shouldn't be anything that couldn't be afforded through a combination of a part time job, scholorships, grants, and the ever popular student loans.

Where did you send him and what does your child's yearly tuition cost? Sorry if I missed it. The current in-state tuition at my alma mater is roughly $6000/yr. And it costs another $5000 for room and board in the dorms. That's generally what it is for Missouri and Kansas. In Texas, where I just came from, tuition is nearly double that for in-staters likely because there is no state income tax to help fund it.

But for some folks State Universities aren't good enough.
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Old 05-28-2008, 10:15 AM
 
Location: Norwood, MN
1,828 posts, read 3,251,797 times
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The cost of college has gotten to the point where it absolutely has to be thought of BEFORE penis and vagina meet to make baby. I realize it is easy for me to say, since I never had any children, but that doesn't make it any less true!
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Old 05-28-2008, 10:54 AM
 
Location: beautiful NC mountains!
904 posts, read 2,513,087 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
VBmom, I am so sorry about your son's illness! Your situation is a classic example of what I am talking about. How in the hell does his father sleep at night? It just doesn't make any sense that he would turn his back on his son financially at a time like this. I know it may not be much comfort now, but I truly believe what goes around comes around - your ex will "pay" for this one way or the other.

Kudos to your current husband for stepping up to the plate and being a real man.
Thank you for your kind words. If I knew my ex really didn't have the money I wouldn't be so angry. If I knew my son could handle things on his own, I would let him. Without health insurance he would be financially in ruins for many, many years. Even with insurance our bills are mounting. All of this after we moved for a better job and better life with a house still for sale in Fla. We are paying rent and a mortgage and now thousands in medical expenses with no end in sight.
When I went through my divorce over 11 years ago, I asked for college money. I was told it was out of the question unless my ex agreed to it. He would not. I have no legal recourse since he is over 18. If I let him drop out, he loses his insurance. So while my ex lives in his big, fancy house with all of his toys, my husband and I dig a deeper whole for ourselves every day. We will continue to help my son through this time. I know in my heart God is watching and will make things right some day.
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