Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We have a 19 year old barely graduated High School. Got himself involved with the wrong kids and now he is not only smoking pot he is selling it. We have given him more than enough time to get his life started, but the outlook he has on life is absolutely ridiculous. We are filled with so much disappointment, sadness and shame that we don't know what to do anymore.
We took his car away recently because he got in an accident and we are paying for the car. Now we have that mess to deal with on top of everything else. We have given him more than we should have and also gave him many of time restraints, but none of it matters. When we tell him to go out and find an honest paying job he says "What is an honest paying job" We don't blame ourselves for the way he gone in life. Or at least we are not trying to. We keep telling ourselves he picked this path to walk down, we did not choose it for him.
Now our dilemma is getting him out. We just can't see it or do anything for him anymore. We just want him out of the house as long as he is involved in this behavior, but I cannot get into a physical confrontation with him. I have had two back surgery's and cannot afford to be out of work because of a conflict with him.
My wife and I were never into this kind of stuff when we were his age, so we are just lost. I don't want to call the cops on him I don't know if I can live with that, but we already bailed him out once while he was still in high school on a charge that is still pending.
I know most of you will say throw him out, but I just thought I'd ask.
If charges are still pending and he is on bail call the bail bonds person that you posted bail with and pull it. It could be the best thing you could do, it could keep him from getting more charges. Or, threaten him to do this if he won't go into treatment. If he won't go into treatment, give this some thought. You could also consult an attorney, and ask what would happen if you did A or B....
What you have to remember is he is choosing this path. The mixed bag here is that ppl using are not thinking straight, and at 19 they think they are invincible. No choice is easy in this situation.
I didn't bail my son out, he had gotten in trouble before. We just didn't have the large amount needed. It was very hard, we felt very guilty, and he was desperate and tried many manipulations. But later, after he went through his punishment and had been in treatment he told me he would have used right away so it was good that we hadn't bailed him out.
Last edited by JanND; 02-11-2013 at 05:17 PM..
Reason: edit
So, he just has a misdemeanor? Or is it a felony? You could still threaten him w/ treatment...Use it to get him into treatment and off the streets. Most of the time the court will continue the case if a person is in treatment. You could consult an attorney to get guidance to get his date pushed back if he was in treatment and you were afraid he'd miss his court date.
Turn off his cell phone.
Last edited by JanND; 02-11-2013 at 05:26 PM..
Reason: edit text
go to an al anon meeting, see other parents going thru the same struggles,,,,
many churches have drug mentors, kids just like yours than have fallen off the tracks,,,they've been there, and bottomed out, now, sober living, they try to help out others- they know how to talk to kids that age...
at a recent holiday gathering, a young man,,who was doing drugs a year ago, was sober this year,,,,i asked him, what turned him around, he said he started stealing to support his habit, and got thrown in jail,,his mother didnt bail him out,,he said "thats the best thing she ever did for me" at the time i was pissed at her,,,,but I had to bottom out on my own..
I hate to even say this, but I know of a kid addict, that the husband/father secretly always gave him money, always thought "this time he will clean himself up"
he ended up overdosed.....
so dont ever feel bad about the "tough love"
if it were my son, I'd get a recent picture (when he wasnt high) and say, "we lost this son, and we want him back- when you can bring him back, sober, we will be here to help"
but we dont recognize you anymore,,actions have consequences, and you are making wrong choices,,,so, until we get our son back,,the "drug dealer" is no longer welcome at our home, and if anything is stolen, we will call the cops, if we hear noises at 2 am in the morning, we are calling the cops.
you are welcome here for sunday dinner, thats it 1-2pm, and if you seem high,,we will ask you to leave, and no other friends are welcome here.
"if you cry, "you have nowhere to go" you are wrong,,,you put yourself on the road to hell-self-destruction
again, our sober son is welcomed back, and we will insist on counseling
Not much you can do he is 19, I feel your pain I have one child who also took that path and now he is finally trying to get his life on track, he is 29.
Is he paying any rent? Is he doing his share of household chores? Is he buying groceries? Is he paying for his cell phone? Is he paying for his internet? Has he ever paid you back any money that he owes you? Has he offered?
I think the answer to those questions is going to be NO.
Also, he is not living by your house rules. So out he goes. Period. With no money. He can go to the Salvation Army if he hasn't got anyone to crash with.
Tell him you want him out by a specific date. He won't get out, I can almost bet money on it. He will argue with you, get mad and confrontational, etc. If he threatens you, or if you fear him physically, call the police. I mean call them RIGHT AWAY. What you're basically saying is that you're afraid that if you confront him, he will physically attack you. What do you base that fear on? Has he threatened you or actually physically assaulted you in the past? Are you telling me that the only reason he's still in your house is truly because you are genuinely afraid that he will physically assault you? If that's the case, then confront him with someone else there as a witness - perhaps a pastor or a trusted friend - or several friends. But anyway - tell him he must leave within a short time period.
When he doesn't comply, wait for the next time he goes somewhere, and call a locksmith and get the locks changed. Immediately. Meanwhile, get some plastic bags and pack up his stuff and set them outside on the porch.
And do NOT ever bail him out again. My son was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia. I did not bail him out. He spent four days in jail. He said it was the turning point in his life. He has stayed completely out of trouble since then and has led a respectable life, making his own money and his own way ever since ( he was 18 at the time).
You MUST allow an out of control person like this to experience the ramifications of their actions.
We have a 19 year old barely graduated High School. Got himself involved with the wrong kids and now he is not only smoking pot he is selling it. We have given him more than enough time to get his life started, but the outlook he has on life is absolutely ridiculous. We are filled with so much disappointment, sadness and shame that we don't know what to do anymore.
We took his car away recently because he got in an accident and we are paying for the car. Now we have that mess to deal with on top of everything else. We have given him more than we should have and also gave him many of time restraints, but none of it matters. When we tell him to go out and find an honest paying job he says "What is an honest paying job" We don't blame ourselves for the way he gone in life. Or at least we are not trying to. We keep telling ourselves he picked this path to walk down, we did not choose it for him.
Now our dilemma is getting him out. We just can't see it or do anything for him anymore. We just want him out of the house as long as he is involved in this behavior, but I cannot get into a physical confrontation with him. I have had two back surgery's and cannot afford to be out of work because of a conflict with him.
My wife and I were never into this kind of stuff when we were his age, so we are just lost. I don't want to call the cops on him I don't know if I can live with that, but we already bailed him out once while he was still in high school on a charge that is still pending.
I know most of you will say throw him out, but I just thought I'd ask.
I would find out what the process is to evict someone in your state. You do not have to tell anyone that he is dealing drugs to have him evicted as long as you follow the legal process. The authorities will come and evict him from your home. You do not have to do it.
Your son is 19 years old (I also have a 19 year old son). There is nothing you can do to stop his behavior. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your home by having him evicted. If he is dealing drugs he will have enough money to pay rent and buy a car.
I used to be one of the teens who would roll with kids like your son.
I have no advice for you. I just knew a lot of upper middle class boys who sold pot because
a. the smoked a lot of it
b. it was a social tool/way to hang out with girls who smoked
c. they would smoke out girls for free
I don't know what happened to those boys. I think most of them moved to weird small towns, never went to college/finished college, and are still into smoking pot and getting DUIs.
Let the justice system deal with him. Maybe he just needs to be traumatized. He needs social workers on his ass so he doesn't go down this path.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
