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Old 01-28-2023, 12:00 PM
 
Location: North Idaho
32,517 posts, read 47,553,130 times
Reputation: 77885

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That's all fairly typical teenage boy behavior, although he is a bit on the young side to be starting it.

You like her but don't like the kid, so do not move in together, not ever. Tell her that starting next month, you are not going to be able to watch the kid at night any more so she will need to make different arrangements for a sitter.

Just about the worst situation for a kid is to be caught between an organized parent and an indulgent one who refuses to discipline. So no matter what you do, you won't be doing the kid any favors. Remove yourself from the situation and be aware that it will never get any better. She will indulge this spoiled child until the day she dies. He will not be out of her life when he reaches adulthood.

I suspect that most children diagnosed with ADHD are actually normal kids who are not getting enough exercise to burn off their excess energy. Parents expect them to act like reasonable quiet adults and they are not. They are children who need to be tired before they can settle down and to have something to occupy their brains and they are not getting it sitting on their butts and playing video games..
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Old 01-28-2023, 05:10 PM
 
21,613 posts, read 12,665,258 times
Reputation: 36427
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfenstein View Post
Thanks for the advice everyone.

The main things I would love to focus on are:

1. His phone addiction. If you didn't know any better you would think it was just another one of his appendages. It's dangerous and there is absolutely no need for it. I would take away the smartphone and he would be given the most basic phone on the market where he could only make calls. No texting.
Even at night she allows him to have a phone in bed. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night for a snack and I can hear him playing on his phone between 12-2am.
I told her about the roblox girl. I've noticed the past few days she has made him stay downstairs all night with it but what good is that if you're going to continue letting him have it in bed? Even if she actually is a 12 year old girl(could be a 45 year old man for all she knows), from my experience girls mature faster and with a name like "darkness", yeah that would be a hard no.

2. Responsibility and accountability. When I was growing up at his age my mom gave me small chores every day. Pick up my room, unload the dishwasher, gave me my laundry to fold and put away, take out garbage etc. You didn't get to do anything else until those chores were complete. Every year I was given more responsibilities. I think he should be given a chore chart and shouldn't be allowed to play games until both his homework and chores are complete. Those chores plus my parents making me get a job at 15 was a couple of the best things they could have done for me. I haven't been without a job since.

3. Respect and listening. There are so many times she has to tell him multiple times to do something even using please. Including me. He should be told nicely once and if it takes a second or third time, no games for the rest of the day and night. If there are no consequences to your actions, there is no learning. He is capable of learning regardless of his ADHD, stop treating him like he's mentally handicapped. He's not.

4. Going outside to play with friends. He use to do this every once in a while but there have been multiple times I have caught him bullying other players on games. I don't tolerate bullying AT ALL and I think the reason his friends don't come knocking on the door to get him to come outside anymore is because he is probably bullying them. I see them outside playing yet they never knock on the door anymore. Another thing I have mentioned to her before.

I think I'm going to write up how I want to bring all this up to her. I just really feel like she is going to again, bring up the fact I'm not a parent and if that happens again, I know I probably should just move on. She is a good mother and the boy has never been without. The time is now to stop treating him like a baby.
Don't bring it up with her... It will be like talking to a brick wall and/or hitting your head against one. Also, once you do, you won't be able to stop doing it. Yet trying to keep your mouth shut won't work for the two of you in the long run, either. In a word: dealbreaker.

I mean, you can TRY, but...

Do keep us posted!
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Old 01-29-2023, 07:34 AM
 
2,884 posts, read 1,588,462 times
Reputation: 7063
Your gf wants you to be a babysitter to her son, not a stepparent. You're not married so you're just his mother's boyfriend. Who are you to tell me what to do? is probably the kid's attitude.

Your girlfriend telling you your opinions aren't valid because you're not a parent is just avoidance and disrespect for you. You're an adult and are capable of evaluating proper parenting and children's behavior, whether you actually have a child or not.

Bottom line: this is your girlfriend's situation, this is the package. Do you like it, the whole package? Yes, you like her but she's not alone, there's another guy in the picture, her son. Who will be her son for the rest of his life.

There's no fixing this, it is what it is. Take it or leave it.

Taking it means accepting it. Disengage completely from him, regard him as you would an annoying roommate. Don't try to parent him, he's not your responsibility. He probably dislikes you as much as you dislike him. And he's not even a teenager yet.

Divorced parents are maddeningly indulgent to their children. I don't know what people think they're doing, they're certainly not doing their kids any favors.

You're in a classic scenario, it's why some people refuse to date single parents.

Whatever you decide, know that it will not end at 18. The kid's a permanent part of her life. As it should be. He's her son.

Where you fit in the picture is something you have to decide.
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Old 01-30-2023, 02:42 PM
 
Location: Ruston, Louisiana
1,981 posts, read 983,952 times
Reputation: 4564
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfenstein View Post
Ive been trying to debate rather or not I'm going to be able to live with the way my girlfriend disciplines her 10 year old son or rather doesn't discipline him. We've been together for 3 years now. She got a new job and is on call 3 days out of the week and 1 or 2 of those nights she may have to stay overnight so I stay at her place to look after him and make sure he gets on the school bus the next morning.

Supposedly he was diagnosed with adhd a year ago and is now taking riddilin(sp?). I'm not an advocate of giving kids drugs since I feel like every other child is diagnosed with it these days but the night and day difference between him taking it and not is astounding to say the least. He's genuinely a good kid but he has his mom fooled and sometimes idk if she is legitimately fooled or she just pretends to be. Sometimes she treats him as if he is mentally handicapped and sometimes he acts like he's dumb but he isn't at all.

First he's 10 and has a smart phone with no parental block. I noticed last night he had been in his room a while so at dinner I asked him what he had been doing and supposedly he has been talking to a 12 year old girl nicknamed darkness on roblox. My girlfriend got him a phone in case of emergencies. I told her he didn't need a smartphone because of all the crap he could get into. Why not a flip phone with no internet access? Well of course me not being a parent I have no idea what I'm talking about. I told her about the girl on roblox so we'll see where that goes.

He has absolutely no responsibilities around the house. He takes a shower, leaves the floor wet and leaves his towel on the floor. Leaves empty bottles around the house. Comes in from school throws his jacket and backpack on the floor when the hanger is right there for it. She has told him quite a few times to stop this but if there are no consequences of course it isn't going to sink in. Her discipline is taking away his phone while still being able to play switch. Sometimes he gets an attitude and talks back and sometimes she'll say something and sometimes she won't. She isn't consistent with any kind of discipline. Just a few nights ago I told him to get a shower and I know for a fact he just went in there, turned the shower on and made it seem like he was. I know he didn't because as soon as I heard the shower turn off he walked out the door with his clothes on. Hair dry.

If you try to play a game with him snd he loses he gets upset and literally will cry if he loses too much.

There is more but feel this is enough you can catch the drift. I can't discipline him so I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. It's probably a good thing I can't discipline him because he wouldn't have any electronics for the rest of the year after what I've witnessed.

If I brought this up to her I know for a fact it would turn into a fight so what am I supposed to do?
First of all, this is bothering you quite a bit if you're online asking for advice. It's making you unhappy to a certain extent, and over a period of time you may grow resentful. With that being said, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, fight or no fight. This is your life too and if you are going to be helping out like this, the child is going to have to learn to mind and be respectful of both his mother and you.

If you talk to her and she does nothing, then you have to figure out what the end result of all this is going to be and how it will affect "you". It could be that you may not want to live your life like this and you should call it quits. That's really sad though because I'm assuming this is the only problem that has really been an issue for you. Good luck.
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Old 01-30-2023, 03:39 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,687 posts, read 19,833,013 times
Reputation: 42955
Quote:
Originally Posted by Txdac16 View Post
My gut is saying run, but my heart is saying have a very serious talk with her first. Let her know you will not continue to pursue a relationship as you don’t want to live like that nor raise your own kids that way. See what she says. If she’s willing to listen to your areas then go from there. You sound like you will be a great parent one day.
I like this answer.

And I would use birth control if I were you. You don't want any oooopsies with that one right now.
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Old 01-30-2023, 03:55 PM
 
5,608 posts, read 3,040,647 times
Reputation: 14158
Why do you say you can't discipline him? How do you define discipline? Is discipline just the equivalent of punishment and you feel like you can't punish him?
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Old 01-30-2023, 05:16 PM
 
Location: Kansas
25,675 posts, read 21,838,722 times
Reputation: 26276
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl View Post
Your gf wants you to be a babysitter to her son, not a stepparent. You're not married so you're just his mother's boyfriend. Who are you to tell me what to do? is probably the kid's attitude.

Your girlfriend telling you your opinions aren't valid because you're not a parent is just avoidance and disrespect for you. You're an adult and are capable of evaluating proper parenting and children's behavior, whether you actually have a child or not.

Bottom line: this is your girlfriend's situation, this is the package. Do you like it, the whole package? Yes, you like her but she's not alone, there's another guy in the picture, her son. Who will be her son for the rest of his life.

There's no fixing this, it is what it is. Take it or leave it.

Taking it means accepting it. Disengage completely from him, regard him as you would an annoying roommate. Don't try to parent him, he's not your responsibility. He probably dislikes you as much as you dislike him. And he's not even a teenager yet.

Divorced parents are maddeningly indulgent to their children. I don't know what people think they're doing, they're certainly not doing their kids any favors.

You're in a classic scenario, it's why some people refuse to date single parents.

Whatever you decide, know that it will not end at 18. The kid's a permanent part of her life. As it should be. He's her son.

Where you fit in the picture is something you have to decide.
OP: Read the above quoted post at least 3 times in a row, and then "THINK" very hard about your life and what you want. I was a single mom, and my son was disciplined. When I married for the 2nd time, I continued to handle the discipline of my son, and my husband had no issues with my son, as my son knew right from wrong, even at a very young age. I did not indulge my son.

Isn't it also possible that the child's father and grandmother had an equally bad time with him, thus they are cutting ties, probably blaming it on the mother, and mother trying to blame it on the father, the "behavior".

My prediction is that you will have a miserable life, a constant tough-of-war over the son. It is most likely too late to change this behavior, and expect since it has went on so long that it will get much, much worse as the teen years approach, and the son will get much more clever about making YOU the bad guy.

Someone suggested birth control on your part, and I would definitely pay attention to that, and not take her word for it. If she gets the idea you might bolt, she might arrange a "surprise" for you. Do you want a child of yours brought up like this? Yes, you would be in the picture, but she could easily undo everything you were trying to do.

You have different values. I think by coming here, and probably as you typed your original message and follow up responses, you must have begin to put it together, as writing something down and reading it really helps you hear it in your own head, what is coming from your heart. Please do not pity the woman or her son, as that is no basis for a relationship.
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Old 02-01-2023, 06:14 AM
 
Location: North Dakota
10,263 posts, read 13,778,817 times
Reputation: 18085
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfenstein View Post
Ive been trying to debate rather or not I'm going to be able to live with the way my girlfriend disciplines her 10 year old son or rather doesn't discipline him. We've been together for 3 years now. She got a new job and is on call 3 days out of the week and 1 or 2 of those nights she may have to stay overnight so I stay at her place to look after him and make sure he gets on the school bus the next morning.

Supposedly he was diagnosed with adhd a year ago and is now taking riddilin(sp?). I'm not an advocate of giving kids drugs since I feel like every other child is diagnosed with it these days but the night and day difference between him taking it and not is astounding to say the least. He's genuinely a good kid but he has his mom fooled and sometimes idk if she is legitimately fooled or she just pretends to be. Sometimes she treats him as if he is mentally handicapped and sometimes he acts like he's dumb but he isn't at all.

First he's 10 and has a smart phone with no parental block. I noticed last night he had been in his room a while so at dinner I asked him what he had been doing and supposedly he has been talking to a 12 year old girl nicknamed darkness on roblox. My girlfriend got him a phone in case of emergencies. I told her he didn't need a smartphone because of all the crap he could get into. Why not a flip phone with no internet access? Well of course me not being a parent I have no idea what I'm talking about. I told her about the girl on roblox so we'll see where that goes.

He has absolutely no responsibilities around the house. He takes a shower, leaves the floor wet and leaves his towel on the floor. Leaves empty bottles around the house. Comes in from school throws his jacket and backpack on the floor when the hanger is right there for it. She has told him quite a few times to stop this but if there are no consequences of course it isn't going to sink in. Her discipline is taking away his phone while still being able to play switch. Sometimes he gets an attitude and talks back and sometimes she'll say something and sometimes she won't. She isn't consistent with any kind of discipline. Just a few nights ago I told him to get a shower and I know for a fact he just went in there, turned the shower on and made it seem like he was. I know he didn't because as soon as I heard the shower turn off he walked out the door with his clothes on. Hair dry.

If you try to play a game with him snd he loses he gets upset and literally will cry if he loses too much.

There is more but feel this is enough you can catch the drift. I can't discipline him so I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. It's probably a good thing I can't discipline him because he wouldn't have any electronics for the rest of the year after what I've witnessed.

If I brought this up to her I know for a fact it would turn into a fight so what am I supposed to do?
Run for the hills!
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Old 02-01-2023, 08:04 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,080 posts, read 107,088,272 times
Reputation: 115875
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfenstein View Post
Thanks for the advice everyone.

The main things I would love to focus on are:

1. His phone addiction. If you didn't know any better you would think it was just another one of his appendages. It's dangerous and there is absolutely no need for it. I would take away the smartphone and he would be given the most basic phone on the market where he could only make calls. No texting.
Even at night she allows him to have a phone in bed. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night for a snack and I can hear him playing on his phone between 12-2am.
I told her about the roblox girl. I've noticed the past few days she has made him stay downstairs all night with it but what good is that if you're going to continue letting him have it in bed? Even if she actually is a 12 year old girl(could be a 45 year old man for all she knows), from my experience girls mature faster and with a name like "darkness", yeah that would be a hard no.

2. Responsibility and accountability. When I was growing up at his age my mom gave me small chores every day. Pick up my room, unload the dishwasher, gave me my laundry to fold and put away, take out garbage etc. You didn't get to do anything else until those chores were complete. Every year I was given more responsibilities. I think he should be given a chore chart and shouldn't be allowed to play games until both his homework and chores are complete. Those chores plus my parents making me get a job at 15 was a couple of the best things they could have done for me. I haven't been without a job since.

3. Respect and listening. There are so many times she has to tell him multiple times to do something even using please. Including me. He should be told nicely once and if it takes a second or third time, no games for the rest of the day and night. If there are no consequences to your actions, there is no learning. He is capable of learning regardless of his ADHD, stop treating him like he's mentally handicapped. He's not.

4. Going outside to play with friends. He use to do this every once in a while but there have been multiple times I have caught him bullying other players on games. I don't tolerate bullying AT ALL and I think the reason his friends don't come knocking on the door to get him to come outside anymore is because he is probably bullying them. I see them outside playing yet they never knock on the door anymore. Another thing I have mentioned to her before.

I think I'm going to write up how I want to bring all this up to her. I just really feel like she is going to again, bring up the fact I'm not a parent and if that happens again, I know I probably should just move on. She is a good mother and the boy has never been without. The time is now to stop treating him like a baby.
Good grief! And people wonder why there are so many adult jerks in the world, why there are so many men who don't relate well to women or are abusive. It's because they had parents like her, who didn't nip abusive behavior (bullying) in the bud when their kids were small. This kid is an adult train wreck in the making.

I wouldn't be able to tolerate a relationship with a parent like that. The parenting "style" speaks too strongly about issues of character and values, even if you two get along otherwise. It points to underlying factors that will affect your compatibility long term, IMO. Have you thought about that?
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Old 02-01-2023, 11:25 AM
 
3,927 posts, read 2,103,328 times
Reputation: 9973
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
At one pt I was a single parent.
My paramour at the time made much sense when he said: I can discipline them without harm dear, watch and see.
Sure enough : he directed them with : pick up your coat, hang it in the closet. He used please and thank you for formal matters. He didn't beg or plead. If they gave him an attitude he maintained a stance . Was respectable and assertive. And yes on occasions ' listened' to and mediated.
So I suggest when the lady expects you to be the adult in attending to this young lad. That it includes discipline such as the style discussed above. It's not too late. I know as I found in my early teens a positive person who showed me how to do better with their guidance.
You have a voice and some positive wisdom... Let your lady faire know you will do what is best ...and that includes being the responsible adult
His problems are not with the kid - in spite of the kid having issues or not.

His problems are with his immature/something else? significant other.

Until the mother and a boyfriend/perhaps future live-in boyfriend are on the same page about parenting in general, including each other expectations towards the norms, the parenting style, the degree of involvement, the discipline and the conflicts resolution between family members - as he would become one - the relationships are doomed.

Tread carefully, OP.

Talk to her - where she thinks this relationship is going and the role the OP in the lives of the mother and her son.

She is not likely to change her ways.
Usually what you see is what you get.
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