Tough Situation (support, single mom, parents, boy)

[RowingMunkeyCU]

Let me start off with some details:

My future fiancee (picking out the ring/diamond as I type) is a single mom of a 5 year old boy.

He is slightly 'special needs', and if I had to put him under a category (note, I'm not a child psychiatrist) I'd say he has autistic tendencies. For example, he walks on his toes, is terrified of wind (with or without a storm), and water on his face (FF has to wash his hair with a washcloth, and can't get him to take a shower, even with goggles).

FF has been diagnosed by her doctor as having General Anxiety Disorder, and has been on Lexapro for the past couple of months. Sometimes it seems to help, but she still gets overwhelmed at times. She's graduating tomorrow from Cosmetology school, and will soon be looking for a job at a salon once she takes her boards. She also has an Associates in Business Marketing.

Currently, they both live at her parent's house, for a couple of reasons. One, is that she just doesn't have the financial means to support herself and her son. The other is that her mom is in poor health, going through kidney failure and on hemo-dialysis, obese, has major arterial blockages that are going to require stents at the least. Her mom also has 'situational depression' and has on occasion commented on 'leaving this earth'. Her mom stays home all the time and does some sort of scheduling-type job over the phone as an on-call person of sorts (not exactly sure what). During the time that FF is in school, or working, her mom watches her son.

The general idea has been that her parents have let her stay, and watched her son in order to help her get on her feet.

The problem:

FF's mom is creating problems and making it difficult for FF to properly raise her son. Her mom is becoming less and less independent, even though she is still capable of doing routine things. FF has had to take significant amounts of time off from school to take care of her mom because of this (she would've graduated months ago otherwise). FF's mom constantly berates her and tells her she's a bad mother (in those words) because she's not able to spend every waking minute with her son. Her mom also berates her regarding her looks, even though she is stunningly beautiful (she's done modeling in the past), thin and athletic; she's rather sensitive about her looks because she was a late bloomer. FF's mom also undermines her authority when dealing with her son; FF will tell her son that it's not ok to have sugary cereal before bed, and FF's mom will say the exact opposite. (I've witnessed it all, it's not just hearsay.)

If I had to characterize the relationship, for those of you familiar with the show "King of the Hill", it's like a female version of Hank and his father (Cotton).

Their relationship is very dysfunctional and is a significant contributing factor to FF's anxiety. We're planning on getting married next year and moving in together at that point, but until then, it's making life difficult for all of us. We've discussed moving in together before that before, but it might be more difficult for her son, and stress the already volatile relationship between FF and her son's father (he's quite vengeful, and also still lives with his parents with similar natures).

So a little advice out there from anyone would be appreciated.

[pirate girl]

She needs to get out of that house now and start living for herself. Since the two of you are making the commitment of engagement there is nothing the child's father can do about cohabitation- and even if you weren't engaged, I don't think he could stop her from living with you.

The boy is going to have to deal with a change eventually if she plans to live with you- better now, during the summer rather than later during the school year.

And she needs to look into having a neuropsychological evaluation done on the child so he can get the help he needs.

[Elmonellie]

Are you absolutely sure you want to get married?

If so, forgo the traditional wedding and all that stuff and just go to a justice of the peace and get married. Get those two out of that house and begin your life. That situation is only going to get worse.

If you are married, the bio dad of the boy will have nothing to say. If there are court ordered visitations make sure they are accomplished perfectly. If there is nothing in writing, figure out a fair visitation shedule and mail him a copy. Don't either of you talk to him except in regards to dropping off or picking up the kid. If he has been a pain in the butt before END that now. Keep all communications other than drop off/pick up in writing.

Don't just move in together...when things get rough (which they will considering how much baggage she has) one of you will want to leave. It's harder if you are married. Make sure you are ready to sign onto all this, if not end it, don't just live together. Bad for the kid in general.

Re: the soon to be Mother in Law. She is going to get really nasty when she hears that daughter is moving out. Your gf has got to set up rules about just how much she is going to help out after she moves out. I would keep it to a minimum. If she becomes abusive while visiting, your gf should explain that she will not be treated that way and walk out of the house immediately. Then wait for an appology and try the visit again. Walk out THE MINUTE she becomes abusive, wait for an appology then try again. This is how you train dogs and it works on people too. I'm not kidding.

Good luck. Sounds like a difficult situation, but if you are really ready to comit and make a family with this woman and her child marry her and start right away. And put a lot of distance between your family and hers.

[RecovringKrspyKremeAddict]

Originally Posted by Elmonellie

Are you absolutely sure you want to get married?

If so, forgo the traditional wedding and all that stuff and just go to a justice of the peace and get married. Get those two out of that house and begin your life. That situation is only going to get worse.

If you are married, the bio dad of the boy will have nothing to say. If there are court ordered visitations make sure they are accomplished perfectly. If there is nothing in writing, figure out a fair visitation shedule and mail him a copy. Don't either of you talk to him except in regards to dropping off or picking up the kid. If he has been a pain in the butt before END that now. Keep all communications other than drop off/pick up in writing.

Don't just move in together...when things get rough (which they will considering how much baggage she has) one of you will want to leave. It's harder if you are married. Make sure you are ready to sign onto all this, if not end it, don't just live together. Bad for the kid in general.

Re: the soon to be Mother in Law. She is going to get really nasty when she hears that daughter is moving out. Your gf has got to set up rules about just how much she is going to help out after she moves out. I would keep it to a minimum. If she becomes abusive while visiting, your gf should explain that she will not be treated that way and walk out of the house immediately. Then wait for an appology and try the visit again. Walk out THE MINUTE she becomes abusive, wait for an appology then try again. This is how you train dogs and it works on people too. I'm not kidding.

Good luck. Sounds like a difficult situation, but if you are really ready to comit and make a family with this woman and her child marry her and start right away. And put a lot of distance between your family and hers.

Couldn't agree more...and well said. Have lived a milder version of this same story myself, in that my own mother, very dependent on me...only child.....but I could never do anything right, including raise my children, two of which are special needs. I read something once that said something like....(paraphrasing here)...if you want to keep your sanity you have to remove the toxic elements from you life....even if that means toxic people, and yes, that includes family members. Yes, I suppose it does sound a bit like training dogs, but as Dr. Phil says (forgive me for this...) "You treat people how to treat youl." and your FF will soon find, that if she puts the above mentioned routine of leaving the MINUTE Mom gets abusive, MOM will soon learn to behave.

Kuddos to YOU, by the way.....it's not easy to make such a commitment to a single mother who is already saddled with one or more kids, especially w/ special needs!

I am one of those single moms w/ special needs kids who was lucky enough to find a wonderful, WONDERFUL man who loves me/us very much and we are happy as ever!

[suzie02]

Is your FF in some type of counseling? Does she have a plan on how to deal with her family? If she is not strong enough you will be banging your head against the wall.
Is she is not strong enough but wants your help to get away then I would suggest you move far away and start fresh. Otherwise they will constantly guilt her into something or another. Remember it isn't just you who will be affected by the situation, you have to consider your future children.

[treeg26]

I agree 100% with Elmonellie. If you are sure this is what you want, get married and get them out of that TOXIC house. No wonder the little boy has issues!! You may be suprised how many of them will slowly start to go away when he is in a healthy enviornment! Your girlfriends anxiety, too!

Good luck to all of you!