My mom really dislikes me. (parent, wife, boy, child)

[SXMGirl]

Arguments are wasted energy. At 21, it is time to possibly: get a new job; take college courses; move out on your own; develop a life plan.

[lilamx]

Originally Posted by nitokenshi

Why is any of this even an issue? Your grown go buy yourself a car and move somewhere if you're unhappy.

That's so easy to say right?

Trust me, I've been dying to move out. Unfortunately right now I can't, I'm studying and don't have the money to live by myself. It's going to be a while before I move out.

[LilyLaLa]

Well, I'm glad you're 21....because at first I thought you might be MY teenage daughter!!

Mine is very sensitive too, and we don't have real fights, but she's extremely difficult to live with and I admit I lose patience with her at least a few times a week--and it's very often over how she relates to her brother...and I DO take his side often, mainly because I see he's just teasing (running off with her things, or standing there staring at her, trying for attention -- yes it's irritating, and I send him off), but she comes back with vicious personal attacks to hurt him; way over the top. I know she thinks her brother's my favourite, but the truth is, each one of my children is my "favourite"...just in a different way. I love them all and they're all so different, they can't be compared.

One of the big things that stresses our relationship is that she's 18, and if she does ANY housework, I've had to ask for it (and then it's only done half-baked). At that age, I was paying room and board to my mother; meanwhile, my daughter has dozens of excuses for not having money or a job...one being that she has no car, which she can't buy because she has no job...etc... My side of things is, that I'm middle-aged and weary for many reasons, I've been an over-fatigued parent for 18 years, I have bills and medical problems and stress, and I just want a little help...without asking, dammit. I've told her that: just as she wants some understanding, I'd like a little too. It's hard to still be doing housework at 10:30 at night after a full day's work, while you're vacuuming past a couchful of able-bodied tv-watchers. IDEALLY, you'd just politely-but-firmly tell one to dust, one to unload the dishwasher and the other to fold clothes. REALISTICALLY, you just want to clobber them all with the vacuum. (My solution was selling the tv at the local flea market, problem solved. )

I'm really impressed at your response to others' advice here, which really DOES show a lot of maturity, and just wanted to say that it's probably feeling worse than it really is: your mother surely loves you but humans being what we are, she isn't perfect. I love my daughter desperately even when I feel like choking her....well that's parents and kids for you. Even if things are rough now, mothers and daughters very often grow closer as they get older, so think of it this way: it really can get better, day by day. Don't worry about the past, and look forward.

Remember this, too: does your mother own (or rent) the house, pay the bills, buy groceries etc.? For all that, give her plenty of respect: she's putting a roof over your head, and SHE might be feeling pretty sensitive about being talked back to, in that situation. Try thanking her sometimes for little things, and surprise her with doing an extra chore or two---make YOU her favourite!

Ok, final thing: just something to think about. Parents often hide things from their kids...whether it's bill collectors or suspected illness (like cancer or MS I mean) or trouble at work, or their own aging parents, or whatever. If you think your life is stressed at 21 (and I have no doubt it is!) wait until you're twice 21....
oh....

...that's MY age.
(how did THAT happen?!?)
Anyhow, that's a trick I use myself when someone's getting on my nerves; I think to myself "What if this person just got bad news....what IF he just learned he has a brain tumour, or what IF he's worried about making the mortgage this month?" Then at least I find a bit of pretend-sympathy and a bit of perspective, and I stop taking things so personally.

Take good care of yourself! and find something away from home to distract yourself with meantime, a class to take or new hobby to be excited about, and friends: then 'home life' might not seem so distressing.

Good luck! You seem like a great 'kid' to me; I'm sure you can work it out.
(sorry that was so long!)

[lilamx]

Originally Posted by LilyLaLa

Well, I'm glad you're 21....because at first I thought you might be MY teenage daughter!!

Mine is very sensitive too, and we don't have real fights, but she's extremely difficult to live with and I admit I lose patience with her at least a few times a week--and it's very often over how she relates to her brother...and I DO take his side often, mainly because I see he's just teasing (running off with her things, or standing there staring at her, trying for attention -- yes it's irritating, and I send him off), but she comes back with vicious personal attacks to hurt him; way over the top. I know she thinks her brother's my favourite, but the truth is, each one of my children is my "favourite"...just in a different way. I love them all and they're all so different, they can't be compared.

One of the big things that stresses our relationship is that she's 18, and if she does ANY housework, I've had to ask for it (and then it's only done half-baked). At that age, I was paying room and board to my mother; meanwhile, my daughter has dozens of excuses for not having money or a job...one being that she has no car, which she can't buy because she has no job...etc... My side of things is, that I'm middle-aged and weary for many reasons, I've been an over-fatigued parent for 18 years, I have bills and medical problems and stress, and I just want a little help...without asking, dammit. I've told her that: just as she wants some understanding, I'd like a little too. It's hard to still be doing housework at 10:30 at night after a full day's work, while you're vacuuming past a couchful of able-bodied tv-watchers. IDEALLY, you'd just politely-but-firmly tell one to dust, one to unload the dishwasher and the other to fold clothes. REALISTICALLY, you just want to clobber them all with the vacuum. (My solution was selling the tv at the local flea market, problem solved. )

I'm really impressed at your response to others' advice here, which really DOES show a lot of maturity, and just wanted to say that it's probably feeling worse than it really is: your mother surely loves you but humans being what we are, she isn't perfect. I love my daughter desperately even when I feel like choking her....well that's parents and kids for you. Even if things are rough now, mothers and daughters very often grow closer as they get older, so think of it this way: it really can get better, day by day. Don't worry about the past, and look forward.

Remember this, too: does your mother own (or rent) the house, pay the bills, buy groceries etc.? For all that, give her plenty of respect: she's putting a roof over your head, and SHE might be feeling pretty sensitive about being talked back to, in that situation. Try thanking her sometimes for little things, and surprise her with doing an extra chore or two---make YOU her favourite!

Ok, final thing: just something to think about. Parents often hide things from their kids...whether it's bill collectors or suspected illness (like cancer or MS I mean) or trouble at work, or their own aging parents, or whatever. If you think your life is stressed at 21 (and I have no doubt it is!) wait until you're twice 21....
oh....

...that's MY age.
(how did THAT happen?!?)
Anyhow, that's a trick I use myself when someone's getting on my nerves; I think to myself "What if this person just got bad news....what IF he just learned he has a brain tumour, or what IF he's worried about making the mortgage this month?" Then at least I find a bit of pretend-sympathy and a bit of perspective, and I stop taking things so personally.

Take good care of yourself! and find something away from home to distract yourself with meantime, a class to take or new hobby to be excited about, and friends: then 'home life' might not seem so distressing.

Good luck! You seem like a great 'kid' to me; I'm sure you can work it out.
(sorry that was so long!)

Not long at all, thank you! I appreciate your words. I can relate to your daughter a bit. I hate to admit, I don't do any work around the house unless I'm asked. I know there's a ton of work to be done with 6 kids around the house, but I'm an extremely organized and clean person and I hate having to clean up after things everyone else did. It's unfair. I clean up after myself, and I do my share of things, but I don't want to clean up after my brothers when they don't bother to pick up after themselves.

You're right about finding something to do away from home, I know right now everything's super stressful and tense because it's summer and I have no job and school's over, so I spend most of my time at home. I'm trying to find a summer job but with no previous experience it's almost impossible! I'm still looking though, I know I can eventually find something. Hobbies cost money, I had been thinking about taking some language courses, but I don't want to ask my mom for one more dime, it's about time I start making my own money. So first things first, I have to get a job.

[LilyLaLa]

Originally Posted by lilamx

I'm an extremely organized and clean person and I hate having to clean up after things everyone else did. It's unfair.

YES IT IS!! We're kindred spirits on that. I so hate cleaning up after others; I'm the only tidy person in my family and it IS unfair; I'm already cleaning up for myself and the little kids, so I wish my husband and darling daughter would...help??! Or at least stop being slobs!

Originally Posted by lilamx

I'm trying to find a summer job but with no previous experience it's almost impossible! I'm still looking though, I know I can eventually find something.

I love your upbeat attitude, especially when job-hunting is a huge pain. If nothing turns up however, would you consider volunteering, particularly somewhere that might contribute to your resume (I don't know what field you're studying)...for instance, volunteering in a long-term care home if you're studying to be a nurse; or in a library, etc. I know a lot of employers don't like hiring summer help because it's temporary, but perhaps a temporary agency might be just the thing?

Hobbies don't need to cost money (believe me, I'm cheap!) If you check at the local library or local notice boards around town you might see something going on that sounds fun....like a writer's group or book club or walking club, etc. If it gets you away from your brothers, bonus!

I remember moving out when I was 22...my mother and I had a lot of tension for months, so I worked hard at moving out...and it hurt her feelings! I really thought she couldn't stand me, so it was a surprise to learn I broke her heart leaving.

Oh well. Long time ago. Good luck!

[slcmo]

Originally Posted by lilamx

That's so easy to say right?

Trust me, I've been dying to move out. Unfortunately right now I can't, I'm studying and don't have the money to live by myself. It's going to be a while before I move out.

just hang in there. I know it's hard to ignore the unfairness, but focus on your studies, complete that, then the time of getting a job will come around. Just remind yourself, nothing is forever. I realize this as a child when being abused by my father and when felt like dying. Now, my dad past away and I have a very loving husband and son. The hardest part right now for me is, I still could never forgive my mother for letting me go with a drunken dad who beat me....she would tell me that she doesn't owe me anything...so I just drop the topic now and focus on my family. Because the pain for making her mad and us agruing is so not worth the communication....although everyone tells me that I should communicate with my mother, I think that's bull.....if communication really works, you think there would still be war in this world? sometimes it's best to just to hold your thoughts and let go, and focus on something else...that's my life experience. I still love my parents dearly, it's a love and hate situation and wish that they were move loving instead of abusing, but now I know that that's the way they are and try to accept that that's what they only knew, they didn't know any better, what are you going to do, right? I wish I were that type of person that would just not miss them, but I do, I still do, I'm very emotional.

oh..you want to know another positive thing out of a bad childhood? well, first make sure you find a loving supportive husband when you're done with your studies and job, well, for me, I'm in the happiest moment in my life comparing to my childhood. everyone tells me how happy it was to be a child (no bills to pay, no worries...etc.), I'm the total opposite, I love being where I am today and so happy that I didn't die when I felt like to when being beaten by dad....now...this is a total positive thing, cause my life with my immeidate family now will be so much longer than my childhood....do u know what I mean? you can never tell a girl's true happiness till she gets married as an adult. so just make sure you don't find the wrong guy, or else that's another new kind of myserable life....it'll be worse than staying with your 6 siblings and mom under the same roof.

[gardener34]

You should have a "sit down over a lunch" talk with your mom about things. And also, at 21, if you are not going to college or training somewhere, you should be thinking of saving up some money and moving out. This goes for your other siblings too if they are out of highschool.
Proving you are adult enough to do this will improve your relationship.

[yankeegirl313]

Your 21...start acting like it. From your post, it sounds like your 16.
I`m sure that your Mom doesn`t hate you. I always thought that too, growing up in a family with 5 others in the household. I was the middle child, and always felt like Mom would side with my two younger sisters, but when I got out on my own, and matured somewhat, I looked back and realized how silly I was being. Mom had her hands full, and just called on the oldest one that knew better!

[zoran]

I also thought you were about 16. I think at 21, living at home rent free, meals cooked and free you should have a different outlook about how your mom treats you. How about you get up one morning and I do mean morning, like 7-8 am with your mom and start helping with breakfast. Have a chat and ask what's on her agenda for the day. If there's laundry to do, offer to do it. Or vacuum the house, bake or ask what you can prepare for supper. I bet your mom would burst into tears with an offer like that. Consider yourself an adult and start taking charge of things to lessen your mom's work. I was wondering if your mom held a job besides taking care of you all? If she is then I can see where she would be bone tired and worried about not havng any savings, not being able to put everyone through college, etc.
As for your bros. forget them. maybe when they notice you pitching in and taking charge to help your mom they might decide to be nicer. In the meatime don't expect anything from them. If you do need a ride try to make it sound like how grateful you would be if it wouldn't be too much trouble for them. At 21 my kids lived at home but held part time jobs during summer and helped arounf the house. They had their chores assigned to them and I didn't harp on it. My house, my rules or move out. All my kids got along and I know I wasn't always fair but sometimes moms get depressed and tired and just want everything to stop. Be your mom's sidekick for the summer. Treat her like you would treat a special friend. When she does do something for you make sure you hug her and thank her. I agree your mom might be keeping a big worry from all of you. She needs support right now and not a battlefield.
I'm not against you at all but I do feel for your mom. Try asking yourself how many special things you asked for while growing up that your mom made possible for you. Don't compare yourself to your brothers, boys are boys and girls are girls. Being your mom's ally will bring you more favours....you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Sorry if I sounded harsh, but just hard to express something in a post. Remember that some 2 yr olds have no mother and would trade places with you.

[fierce_flawless]

I didn't automatically assume you were a teenager. Why? Because I am 36, with a house and kids and cars and bills and all that jazz. I have been out of my mom's house since I was SEVENTEEN, and you know what? Just being in her presence sometimes makes me REGRESS to teenage behavior.

Only my mom can bring this out in me. I don't act like that with anyone else! There are deep, long standing patterns we have with our parents that don't always bring out the best in us. It is HARD and sometimes it takes a real effort to react to Mom the way you would react to any other adult doing or saying the same thing.

I wasn't sure from your post.. but are you the only girl?

My grandma has this weird thing... I would almost describe it as misogynistic. She seems to hate women! I know, it's crazy, but she really places little value on women, their opinions, their ideas, and in our family this translates into blatant favoritism for the "boys". My uncle, my brother, the male cousins all get better treatment from her. My mom is the one who cares for her 24/7 (she has Alzheimer's and is very frail and cannot live alone) and my mom is the one who fought her brother (my uncle) to keep my Grandma OUT of a nursing home. Still, any time they are all together (mom and uncle and grandma) my Grandma is hateful to my mom. Any time there's a decision to be made she would ridicule my mom's suggestion... then my uncle could come along and make the same exact suggestion and she'd think it was a great idea. She's the same way with me.. when my brother's around I am chopped liver. When he's not, well then I'm her "baby". It's bizarre, but I wondered if this might be something like your mom, if you're the only girl and she's this way only towards you?

Just a theory.

Anyway, I feel for you because I have a very difficult relationship with my mother as well. I have heard it all from people who tell me I should be thankful I have her around, and I do agree with that... but it's still not easy when she treats me poorly, and it's toxic to be around her. That's why I moved out when I was seventeen and we only get along well if I keep my distance. Just because two people are related doesn't mean they're going to automatically be compatible.

I do think you should have a good heart to heart with her. I recently had a discussion with my mother about the things she says that are hurtful to me. She denied it... but then later she was questioning my oldest son (16) about this, and asked him if she "really" did those things... and he told her yes, and I think it opened her eyes a bit.