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Lately I'm not sure what to do with my 12 (almost 13) year old. Honestly, I don't have any real problems, she does not have behavioral issues, performs well at school, etc.
She is not shy per se, she is actually very popular at her small private school, her phone rings off the hook every night, and she often has an invitation every weekend. She sings and dances around the house and is quite animated, much of the time, but thats when she is at home.
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The difference is, when we are out in public, particularly around adults, she speaks so softly no one can hear her. She is so bashful around strangers or adults that she speaks softly(that they can not hear) and she uses a baby voice. Lately, she can not decide anything on her own, and most decisions she needs to make, she says, I don't know, what should I do? She has become very passive. Extremely passive.
Its very odd because it seems like she has not matured, almost regressed and I'm not sure why. She is almost 13 and it seems her friends are much more mature than her, though I suspect they also have bigger behavioral problems as well. She looks like she is 16 (she is very tall) so am I wrong to feel like she should be more assertive, more adult like by now? She has chores, takes care of her dog, etc, so she does have responsibilities.
Am I overreacting? We are moving and she will be going to a large public school instead of the small private one that she is accustomed to. Its making me worry...
Its a no wonder we got 13 year olds pregnant every where we look now, parents think they should be just like adults.
I think the other assertive 13 year olds are out of line and should go by the principle "children should be seen, not heard."
Thats like when my step sister (who I hardly at all know) tried playing tough adult with me when I visited my dad once, well I put her in her place quick, I figure that was probably the first time anyone has ever actually said anything to her in the harsh, disciplined tone that I used.
And my dad and his wife wonder why she is the way she is now.
Its a no wonder we got 13 year olds pregnant every where we look now, parents think they should be just like adults.
I think the other assertive 13 year olds are out of line and should go by the principle "children should be seen, not heard."
Thats like when my step sister (who I hardly at all know) tried playing tough adult with me when I visited my dad once, well I put her in her place quick, I figure that was probably the first time anyone has ever actually said anything to her in the harsh, disciplined tone that I used.
And my dad and his wife wonder why she is the way she is now.
I don't believe in the whole, children should be seen not heard thing.
When I was her age, I was watching my infant brother at night while my parents were out taking care of their business. My daughter is not comfortable staying home alone, much less taking care of an infant at night.I do not expect her to be just like me at that age, however I wonder if she is immature for her age, why that is, and what can be done.
I don't believe in the whole, children should be seen not heard thing.
When I was her age, I was watching my infant brother at night while my parents were out taking care of their business. My daughter is not comfortable staying home alone, much less taking care of an infant at night.I do not expect her to be just like me at that age, however I wonder if she is immature for her age, why that is, and what can be done.
Since when does not wanting to stay home alone and not wanting to watch a child make you a nut job?
Leave the kid alone the way you described she seems more then normal her only crime is being too good and I do not see how that is a crime.
The difference is, when we are out in public, particularly around adults, she speaks so softly no one can hear her. She is so bashful around strangers or adults that she speaks softly(that they can not hear) and she uses a baby voice. Lately, she can not decide anything on her own, and most decisions she needs to make, she says, I don't know, what should I do? She has become very passive. Extremely passive.
Its very odd because it seems like she has not matured, almost regressed and I'm not sure why. She is almost 13 and it seems her friends are much more mature than her, though I suspect they also have bigger behavioral problems as well. She looks like she is 16 (she is very tall) so am I wrong to feel like she should be more assertive, more adult like by now? She has chores, takes care of her dog, etc, so she does have responsibilities.
Am I overreacting? We are moving and she will be going to a large public school instead of the small private one that she is accustomed to. Its making me worry...
Gosh, I'm almost 35 & I am very quiet & reserved around strangers. As for my own family who I am comfortable & secure around, I can chat for hours. I still call my mom to ask for her help in making some decisions.
She's almost 13. Plain & simple.
She is not a grownup. Please do not pressure her to be one. She will get there on her own accord & time.
She needs your love & security, not judgement.
That being said, please make sure you drill into her that she needs to be assertive as hell if she is ever approached by a stranger who puts her in fear. In today's world, this is a reality.
Not really sure what you are worrying about....she's sounds like a teenager.
If I were her mom, I'd just keep an eye on her for a bit. At 12 going on 13, she could be adjusting to her new body. She could be feeling awkward about it. You say she looks physically much older than she is. That could be causing a bit of anxiety in and of itself. "Do people expect me to act different because I look so old?" Maybe she feels pressure she doesn't want just yet. Maybe she sometimes feels obligated to act in a way that's not yet comfortable for her.
She may still feel like a child, and at 12-13, that's perfectly ok! She IS still a child. And sort of a teen. Could vary day to day, even minute to minute . She's adjusting and so are you. You can be there to support her in whichever role she happens to be in at the moment.
You say she's animated at home. I'd assume that's because that is her comfort zone. Her phone may ring off the hook, but is she initiating any calls? Does she invite friends over? Or is she the recipient of most of her social interactions? Again, I'd keep an eye on it and perhaps help her reach out a bit if needed.
How does she react to being in crowds? How about going into stores? Do those types of interactions with adults bother her?
I'd definitely help her ease into the new school. Going from a small private school to a huge public school can be quite a culture shock. Is she also changing from elementary to middle school? Is she your only or do you have other children to consider as well?
I know I've asked a lot of questions, but I've had to work through some of these issues myself, so I'm trying to think of things we had to deal with (including the moving and private vs public school issues). I understand your concerns. But from what you've described so far, if I were you, I wouldn't be overly concerned. But do keep an eye on things. Just in case.
Nelly Nomad said it well.........
IMO maybe she is worried about the move...what a scary time... especially when your body is changing too...a lot for a young girl to handle...
spend some extra time with her and maybe with her DAd too.
And not to make you feel panicked, but you have given her the 'birds and bees talk' haven't you?...and about proper and improper touching, etc....is there any chance something off has happened to her?
It doesn't sound like a lack of responsibility to me, but perhaps a lack of self confidence?
I was very shy and not at all assertive. It takes time. For some it takes a lifetime. For me I really didn't get assertive until I had kids of my own... when someone else needed me to be "their voice" I was able to FIND my voice.
Are there any activities that you could encourage that might help her shyness? I'm thinking dance, acting, etc. My former dance teacher was PAINFULLY shy and started dance as a result. Her parents were told it would help... and wow. It's hard to believe she was ever anything but outgoing, assertive, and unbelievably self-confident (she's in her 40's but I've known her for 18 years)... she runs her own studio and has performed all over the world, speaks at conferences, etc. Finding her passion and pursuing it gave her confidence and she was able to overcome shyness.
Just a thought, but yeah, as others have said, I don't think you need to worry too much about it just yet.
i am betting she is starting to regress because of the reason you mentioned: you are moving her from a small private school to a larger public school.
the same thing happened to me at about 12 yrs old. except i was already so shy, that the move made me terrified.
just talk to her, help her to understand that there is nothing to worry about and that she can talk to yu about it. help her to realize that she is speaking too softly and in an innapropriate voice for her age. she may not even realize she is doing it. ask her what is bothering her and if she would maybe like to take a public speaking class or something.
i am still painfully shy sometimes, and it takes all my will power not to just run and hide from a situation. and it has taken me years to come out of my shell around strangers. i probably didnt start feeling comfortable around adults until i was in my 20's!
I have 2 13 year olds and there is such a WIDE range of social behaviors at this age it is amazing. No, it doesn't sound like a problem to me. Our kids have friends that will talk your ear off and some that I don't think I have ever heard them say anything except "thanks for the ride" . It's a tough time in life. Saying that, I do think it is rude for kids to not answer direct questions and I think you do need to point this out to her and that she needs to speak up when someone asks her a question. We have that same problem with our shy 15 year old. He is getting better but we still have to remind him at times to speak up. I wouldn't make an issue out of it but just simply say "if someone asks you a question it is polite to answer them directly and speak loudly enough that they can hear you."
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. She's adjusting and so are you. You can be there to support her in whichever role she happens to be in at the moment.
. It's a tough time in life. Saying that, I do think it is rude for kids to not answer direct questions and I think you do need to point this out to her and that she needs to speak up when someone asks her a question. We have that same problem with our shy 15 year old. He is getting better but we still have to remind him at times to speak up. I wouldn't make an issue out of it but just simply say "if someone asks you a question it is polite to answer them directly and speak loudly enough that they can hear you."
