Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Just wondering. I have seen other people's relationships and everything seems great -but that is from the outside. After splitting from my husband I was in a relationship with a man with 2 of his own children (full time as their Mum died). His 2 oldest were the same age as my 2 oldest -around 6 and 4. I also have an under 2. Although we dated for over a year it seemed he never developed genuine affection for the 2 oldest ones, although he said the youngest was like his own. My ex-husband wants to give things another try, I don't think I can ever go back to him although he has matured a great deal in the past 2 years, and shown that he loves his children and has paid his child support on time every week and always makes time for them and has them on his days that we agreed on. He left me when I was pregnant and it was an extremely painful baptism by fire for me. Now I look at him with the children and see a genuine love and affection for them, not forced. The boyfriend I was dating told me that of course his children would always come first with him, it was a biological thing. I was deeply annoyed and upset at the time as I loved his children and placed them in the same esteem as my own. Is it possible to meet a man that will love my children as much as his own or am I living in fairy-land?
WOuld you go back to your ex for the sake of the children?
Yes you could meet a man that will be a wonderful dad to your children. My daughter has a father, but she also has a 'step' dad, and bless his heart he has done more for her in so many ways than her own father has ever done. And she will tell you that.
Personally I could have never gone back to my ex. Sometimes people can be better parents when they aren't together. If there is better chance to have stable mental, physical and emotional health for YOURSELVES separately, that is better for your children to have that than a a relationship with tension. Does that make sense?
I would suggest some couple counseling if you think it might be possible....could you love each other for who you are and not just 'for the children'?
I love the way you describe your ex's behavior. Wish I had an ex like that. All I can think is that I wouldn't want to be a little kid living with a step-parent who doesn't seem to love me or just tolerates me and favors his own kids. As an adult I can see a lot of problems arising from this over time and a lot of resentment and anger. I wouldn't bet on this guy. Maybe, you and your ex can date again and you can see if he's really changed and if you could ever love and trust him again. If not, don't pick either guy. But congrats on having an ex who does right by his children.
I personally would NOT go back to my ex. Let him have a good relationship with his kids, thats fantastic but I wouldn't give him another chance to desimate my life like that. NOR would I accept the crumbs this current guy is willing to give you. BUT thats just me.
Maybe I am waiting for a fairy tale but I feel I owe my daughter 100%, if the guy I'm with can't love her like his own then I won't be giving him my time.
Location: Jonquil City (aka Smyrna) Georgia- by Atlanta
16,259 posts, read 24,761,129 times
Reputation: 3587
No it is not. Your kids will always be more special to you than somebody else's kids. And the converse is true too. The kids might like you but you will never be "dad" or "mom" to them even if their real dad or mom ran off and abandoned them and has not called them in years. You will never be able to take their place. And the kid will remind you of that when they get older and you try to punish them for something. I would never do it.
It really depends on the person, and on the circumstances, like the child's age when you get together.
My partner's daughter was 4 months old when we met. Zero problems loving her like my own. My partner's son, however, was 10. Different story. However, he was a troubled child and who knows what it would have been like had that not been the case.
My ex and I met when my firstborn was 18 months and he has always treated him as his own flesh and blood, even after we had our "own" child five years down the road. He is a lot of awful things but in this regard he was awesome. Now, he ignores both children equally.
On the other hand, my brother's ex wife remarried when my niece was 6 and he had his own daughter, age 5, who lived with her mother. While he's always been technically fair to my niece, he has been unkind in his obvious favoritism to his bio daughter and has always treated my niece like a "stepchild" in a negative way.
But on the other-other hand my brother raised his girlfriend's kids as his own, came into their lives when they were 9 months, 4 years old, and 7 years old... and loved those kids with a fierceness I've never seen, and was the only Daddy they ever knew. Ironically the whole time he was not caring for his flesh and blood kids... but that's another story. Maybe it was guilt that made him a good stepdad?
My mom had a long term boyfriend who loved me like a daughter. We have lost touch, but he was an awesome guy and I miss him still.
I could keep throwing out examples but the point is, it depends! Some people have the ability to be open hearted and love ANY child. Not all though.... it's easier said than done.
Thank you for your posts. I am really interested in what you think, and I guess it really does depend on the person. I have lots of kids around here, through my children's friends and a local Playcentre where we often share kids and childminding. I love children, although am not blind that some are harder work than others. But I do feel that as part pof a community of like-minded people that it is easier perhaps for me to take other people's kids and love them too. Whereas the person i was dating was very much a nuclear family type, not much support outside his immediate family and although his kids would go and play at other people's houses he rarely had others kids at his.
I guess I will keep looking, although at times feel like there isn't much point. I am quite happy on my own too.
The problem I ran into with my ex is that he grew to resent the time, money and attention that I gave my daughter. I would THINK that would be less likely if it had been his child.
I simply can't put someone before my daughter, for me that is wrong.
It just depends on the person I suppose. My daughter's father was... yes i said it correctly, WAS a great father when we were together. He spent time with her, went to all of her hospital appointments, fathered her when i had to work late, the whole nine. But when we seperated i can hardly get him to come see her more the less spend time with her.
The signs were there though. He never spent time with his two boys when we were together although he lied and said he did so i guess the cycle will continue. his loss.
Now I have a new man in my life, he doesn't have any kids of his own, so his fathering skills are a little shaky, but i work with him. He is not as close with her as much as i would want him to be. But with a daughter i am not sure i want him to be too close to her anyway. Then i remember him telling me he had a son that died a few weeks after birth, so there might be some hidden sadness there that may reflect when he sees me with my daughter so i don't know. Over all she likes him when he is around and he has done more for us than her bio father so we are making it. Oh my daughter is five now.
I agree with Sincere that it it depends on the person. I'm sure you realize that and that the statement is in no way an epiphony for you. I married a woman who already had a 3 year old son (1 week from 4 really). As we grew as a family, I eventually adopted him as my own, and she and I had two more of our own (a boy and a girl).
That little boy is now 22 and working in another state. Even though things didn't work out for his mom and I (we divorced 5 years ago), he still calls me about one a month, still calls me "Dad" and we still talk with the relationship we developed as father and son. My other son and daughter live with me, and I am remarried now and have a step daughter who's 11. Although she and I have known each other for about 4 years now, and her mom and I have been married for two, she still calls me by my first name instead of "Dad." It doesn't really bother me because I just want her to be comfortable, but she introduces me to everyone as her "dad" and refers to me as "my dad" when she's talking on the phone to her friends.
Is there a difference in the love? I would honestly have to say "yes." But only a small amount. I think the difference comes from the bonding between parents and babies. As they are born, a natural bonding takes place (or should if you have competent feeling parents ). So there's a slight closeness, but I work my tail off to make sure it doesn't show in the way their treated.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
my brother raised his girlfriend's kids as his own, came into their lives when they were 9 months, 4 years old, and 7 years old... and loved those kids with a fierceness I've never seen, and was the only Daddy they ever knew. Ironically the whole time he was not caring for his flesh and blood kids... but that's another story. Maybe it was guilt that made him a good stepdad? 
I guess it depens.
He spent time with her, went to all of her hospital appointments, fathered her when i had to work late, the whole nine. But when we seperated i can hardly get him to come see her more the less spend time with her. 
his loss. 
