Arguing with daughter over clothes. (meal, teens, weight, girls)

[Aggrappia]

I have a 15 year old daughter that for the past year has really been giving me trouble with clothing choices. The times I have given her money to go shopping she ends up getting way to short/low cut clothes. I am not a prude but I know she gets this from school, friends, TV, etc. Certainly not from me!

I now pre-approve what she gets but she always argues with me and I don't know how she gets them but there have been times I have done laundry or cleaned her room only to find inappropriate clothing. When she was younger she was all about covering up and modest this really came out of nowhere. I know, I know she is a teen but I was really hoping I would not have to deal with this.

Just last week I found some very short shorts and a pair of thongs I most certainly didn't approve of and threw them away. Of course she got really upset and yells at me to "stop dictating her life".

Like I said I am not a prude but I will not let her wear hooker attire, apart from just being trashy there are perverts out there.

Is there anything I can do or must I just wait it out and hope this is just a phase?

[stan4]

Yup.

Don't give her money. Ever.

[Mattie]

Compromise. She wants to dress like her friends. All the shorts I see in stores these days look tiny to me, but they look fine on teens. And arguing over a thong seems silly. I personally think they're uncomfortable, and maybe your daughter will eventually come to the same conclusion, but what difference does her underwear make?

I would let her wear what she wants during the day while hanging with her friends. Once school starts, if her clothing is truly too revealing, it won't meet the dress code. Problem solved (mostly).

I don't think you should have thrown out clothing she purchased herself.

[Aggrappia]

Originally Posted by Mattie

Compromise. She wants to dress like her friends. All the shorts I see in stores these days look tiny to me, but they look fine on teens. And arguing over a thong seems silly. I personally think they're uncomfortable, and maybe your daughter will eventually come to the same conclusion, but what difference does her underwear make?

I would let her wear what she wants during the day while hanging with her friends. Once school starts, if her clothing is truly too revealing, it won't meet the dress code. Problem solved (mostly).

I don't think you should have thrown out clothing she purchased herself.

I just feel that if I give in she'll just become more emboldened. And just because other mothers let their daughters dress scantily I don't see why I should. As for the thong, I know it may seem silly to not approve of but I have three reasons:

1. They are meant to be sexy and at my daughter's age that shouldn't be a priority, should I let her wear a lace push up bra as well?
2. Thongs can cause issues such as a UTI.
3. I don't want her showing off a "whale tail" as they call it like others do.

My daughter has plenty of time to grow up and "be sexy" when she's an adult. I don't view it as a crime that I want her to stick with higher cut tops, less revealing shorts and cotton brief underwear.

[Hedgehog_Mom]

My daughter is 14. She has push up bras, she has thongs, she has lace nightgowns and she has dresses that look way too old for her. I don't care what underwear she wears as long as it's not visible when she's dressed. She likes to wear the grown-up dresses in her bedroom...she and her little sister will play dress up with hair and makeup and high heels.

My rule for shorts is that there can't be any butt cheek hanging out when she bends over. I don't mind if she wears cutoffs or shorts that are shorter than bermudas, but no butt cheek. My husband was insisting on shorts down to or past the knee and she just wore jeans all summer and then she was too hot whenever we went outside, so I told him to look at what other girls were wearing and to get over the shorts thing.

And thongs...I bought the thongs without my daughter asking for them. Why? Because I like to wear them in the summer because they feel cooler and more comfortable, so I thought she might want to wear them too. The ones she has are not a sexy style, just sports thongs from Hanes with the moisture-wicking fabric. I never see her underwear and she does her own laundry, so I have no idea if she wears them or not. Thongs aren't sexy to me, they're just something to wear when it's a million degrees outside and you don't want to go without underwear but it's too hot for cotton briefs.

I know when my daughter has friends over, some girls are really surprised by the clothes that she has in her dresser or closet. But I feel like if I don't make a big deal about any of it (except for the shorts with cheek sticking out) then she won't have a big urge to wear revealing clothes and we won't have to fight any huge battles over clothing. She doesn't have a boyfriend, doesn't really even know any boys. She just likes pretty clothes because they make her feel pretty, and pretty undergarments have the same effect. When you think about it, most of the changes that puberty brings to girls are pretty miserable...body hair, periods, wider hips, the need to wear a bra. Giving your daughter pretty undergarments that make her happy that she's becoming a woman and make her feel good about her changing body isn't a bad thing. What I remember most about puberty was the shame my mother made me feel about the changes in my body, and how she made me feel like my body was something to be embarrassed about. I've tried to make sure my girls never feel that way.

[MaryleeII]

Here's my story to add to the conversation:


When my dd was starting middle school, she wanted to look "sexy". Naturally, we disagreed. When we went shopping she refused to let me in the fitting room, and wouldn't come out for me to see the clothes on her. I noticed she had switched some tags. Ok, I smiled to myself, I remembered doing the same thing---switching tags---when I was about her age as my mother and I disagreed on what was the correct size for me. I just let her buy them.


Then, the first day of school, I heard what can best be described as a primal shriek coming from her room. I ran in there, and couldn't contain my laughter. Her new clothes scattered all about the room, and she was literally stuck in an outfit she couldn't get on or off. She had broken the zipper on another pair of shorts there was no way would fit her. She looked soooooo ridiculous! She said nothing fits, she had nothing to wear. Indeed, she did not. We had gone through her old clothes and donated most to Goodwill a few weeks prior, and she just lived in a few ratty old pieces, waiting for the big day and her new clothes.


I pointed out she had tried them on, didn't they fit? She said no, they didn't fit when she bought them, they were 1-2 sizes smaller than she took, but she thought she could drink diet coke and fit into them by the start of the school year---geez!


I ran out to a 24/7 Walmart and bought the last outfit in her size in the city! A pair of beige shorts, and a pink, short sleeve tee shirt. Hey, I was lucky to find even that. She insisted she wouldn't go out the door in that, but I said suit yourself. Either wear your old, ratty stuff, this "geek" outfit, or, I report you as truant. Besides, the first day is the most important, that's when seats are assigned, clicks form, etc. You don't want to go in the second day of school wearing the geek getup. She saw my point, and we drove to school, crying all the way, until she saw others dressed about the same as she was, basic short, basic tee shirts, etc. She stopped crying like a fountain shut down and ran off to join her friends.


I managed to salvage what I could of the wardrobe mishap. I still had the receipts, tags, etc, and managed to get most of our money back. Problem was, they were bought on sale, and I couldn't replace the returned items for similar at the same price. We managed! BTW, DD was not overweight, not at all. She was and still is tall, slender, "leggy" track and volleyball "star"


She thought she could squeeze into something more "sexy" if she drank diet coke for a month

[Mattie]

Originally Posted by Aggrappia

I just feel that if I give in she'll just become more emboldened. And just because other mothers let their daughters dress scantily I don't see why I should. As for the thong, I know it may seem silly to not approve of but I have three reasons:

1. They are meant to be sexy and at my daughter's age that shouldn't be a priority, should I let her wear a lace push up bra as well?
2. Thongs can cause issues such as a UTI.
3. I don't want her showing off a "whale tail" as they call it like others do.

My daughter has plenty of time to grow up and "be sexy" when she's an adult. I don't view it as a crime that I want her to stick with higher cut tops, less revealing shorts and cotton brief underwear.

No, not a crime, but not a fight worth fighting IMO. I'm curious as to just what the clothing she wants to wear really looks like, because, frankly, I don't know anybody who willingly wears cotton briefs. A lacy bra? Why not? Again, not visible to anybody, but if it makes your daughter feel good, and gives her body image confidence, harmless and possibly even helpful.

You might be desiring a degree of conservatism beyond the norm OP.

[randomparent]

I wish I had some great advice to give because this has never been a problem in our family. I don't think my daughter has ever asked for a thong, and she wears denim shorts that hit well below butt cheeks with nice t-shirts as casual wear in the summer from the same stores where everyone else is shopping. She wears her own wardrobe for her job, where she must meet the shop's dress code, which is casual but must not be revealing. Usually that means capris with a peasant blouse and ballet flats. Sometimes jeans with a t-shirt and long necklace or scarf. Her friends wear the same types of clothing. So sorry that you're going through this, but I do think it's temporary. Focus on who she is as a person, remind her of her intrinsic value apart from her physical appearance, and tell her, "You make that look good!" when you approve of what she's wearing. (Note: this will be especially effective coming from her father if they have a good relationship.)

[HighFlyingBird]

We really had trouble with my foster daughter and clothes. She came to us with some of the most inappropriate and ill fitting clothes. She just didn't understand how bad they looked. But since we let her eat, she gained a few pounds and they couldn't fit any more at all.

What I did was I tried to make our shopping trips fun. A meal with just me and her (I had 4 other kids so that was a treat), smoothies, picked up some makeup too. But I wouldn't buy anything that broke school dress code rules. I just told her I couldn't afford to buy things that couldn't also be worn to school. If she didn't let me check it, I didn't buy it. She was mad at first, but being it was a fun outing, she would get over it.

I let her wear what she wanted under them, but I wouldn't take her to victoria secret because...its expensive. When she started working, she went and dumped $200 on a couple bras and thongs.

There was one issue we never solved. Seeing that whale tail when she got in and out of the car. It made my husband so uncomfortable so I talked to her about it several times. Man, when I was a teen if my underwear were showing, I would have been super embarrassed. Sigh. She said she would fix it but never did...

[gentlearts]

When my daughter was a teen, we arrived at détente. If I was paying for it, I had to approve of it, but I never forced her to get anything she didn't like. Unfortunately, this means you always have to shop together.

Thank goodness the rest were boys. I just gave them the credit card and dropped them off at the jeans store, where the smart owner had cutie pie girls waiting on them and telling them which tee shirt or pair of Levi's looked good on them.